PIL Issue. Need some perspective.

[NameChangedForPILissue]

NC'd for obvious reasons.

PIL are very well off. Rich enough that MIL doesn't and has never worked. FIL earns a huge amount, and is unbelievably tight with it too (refuses to update 25 year old kitchen, 30 year old bathroom, won't buy MIL a new car even though hers is verging on dangerous, won't spend more than £10 per GC at christmas etc).

They are set to become millionaires with some inheritance that is probably due to come in the next year or two. For now they live on their £200k+ a year income with very little expenditure.

For the past 8 years, they have given us money every month to help with our living expenses. It began when DH was at university, before we met, and was the standard parents helping out a child at uni situation. DH always worked PT to top this up.

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process. This means he is earning low for now as he is studying whilst working so is essentially unskilled. In around 2 years, we hope he will be on a good salary. I am also on a relatively low wage.

We've been married since 2010, and since then they've given us £500 a month to help us out. Obviously, this is very generous and e appreciate this. SIL has had the same.

SIL no longer needs this, as her and her husband have now got high flying careers (lawyer and pilot) and no children, and do FIL has decided to stop all our payments.

We've just moved into a new home, and have a baby due in a few weeks. The timing could not be worse.

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again. I don't know what to do - is he being selfish and awful? Or is it his money and we should be grateful for what we've had up until now?

namechangehusband can't you see that pertinent facts such as 'do you actually earn £11k or £20k' are fundamental to this situation.

Your wife hasn't been bullied, she has been hugely inconsistent with her facts, to the extent that no one can offer any sensible advice.

OPs DH can you not see at all the fact that it is her inconsistencies in her account of your circumstances that have been the catalyst for the difficult time she has had here?

There IS some truly excellent advice on both threads. Perhaps you could clarify a true reflection of your SOA and benefit from extremely knowledgeable members?

Hmm. Tis all very confusing..... Just one load of confusion from beginning to end.

And OPs DH - didn't this all start on here because you wanted to cut your parents off. After helping you out so much? Nice behaviour.

NeedMoneyAdvice's DH... that is extremely unfair. We / me / others really really tried to help in all sorts of ways. Go and look at my last post on your wife's other thread and you will see that. A lot of people have invested a lot of time in trying to help... it's just hard to help when you don't know the facts or the facts keep changing.

I wish you both well, but please don't take it out on the helpful posters.

You're disgusted? Me too. Disgusted that you make your 8 months pregnant wife work 3 jobs.

Op's DH, you can be all those things and I really hope op is able to calm down and keep safe.

But actually, whilst there was some troll hunting, the most of what I got was the deep frustration at the changing story and the complete inability to engage with any suggestions made to her on either thread.

Perhaps you could take a step back, read both threads again (especially the second) and see what I mean.

Really hope you get this mess sorted. (And no, I have never lived outside of my personal means regardless of money gifts made to me, which I have had)

I am so bloody angry at the way my wife has been spoken to. So many of you here should be ashamed of yourselves

A partner who allows his pregnant wife to work three jobs is the one who should be feeling ashamed, not a bunch of strangers who have been trying to get to the bottom of an ever lenghting tale of inconsistency.

NeedMoneyAdvice
I'm sorry you feel this way, but the problem is, posters here base their advice on the info they are given, which in this case was contradictory, did not make sense (£1350 for rent for 2 bed flat in a cheaper part of an expensive city, based on the income of a heavily pregnant woman, being stuck in a rental lease for 18 months, not knowing the minimum wage whilst apparently being paid it, not being able to get by on £30,000 a year etc).

I don't think anyone is saying they would turn down help if they needed it, I think everyone is saying that they would see it as help, NOT income, and that by even questoning whether or not the money 'belongs' to her FIL comes across as being very 'entitled'.

"I hope you can all go to bed happily tonight knowing that you have left a heavily pregnant, heavily stressed woman in floods of tears, feeling really low. I've not seen her this upset in a long time."

Perhaps then, she should not have posted on the AIBU board? This is the place for direct answers, and she did not ask for advice, she asked if she was being unreasonable, called FIL stingy and asked if it was in fact his money to do with as he pleased(!).

I hope you resolve whatever situation you are in, may I, again, suggest a trip to the Citizens Advice Bureau to see what can be done about your outgoings?

hyva

Quite!!

It's hard to be supportive to someone who tells a lot of mistruths.

X posts with hyva

Oh for God's sake, OP's husbaband, MNetters here and on the other thread have tried HARD to give good advice to your wife. But it's always a case of 'Yes, BUT ..' and, sorry I have to point this out, her story changes all the time. So obviously people start to think 'well, what's actually going on???'

I am going to be honest now - I came to a point when I thought the whole thing was a silly hoax because there was so many glaring inconsistancies in the whole thread (now threads). Sorry if I'm wrong and it's all genuine. I don't think your wife has been bullied - if some posters were a bit sharp, it's through sheer frustration at her obdurate refusal to contemplate any of the suggestions offered to alleviate your financial problems. The MNetters who offered the suggestions did so in good faith, were trying to be positive and helpful, only to see their ideas batted away. What more can we do?

Okay Then Boy-Wonder....lets prove your ability to do the Accounting./Banking change of career - stop leaving your 8 months pg wife to sort it out and YOU sort it out....

OP's DH, I think you might also find that the fact people don't say things like this to you in real life is perhaps part of your problems.

You are living beyond your means however you and your wife's income is made up. You talk about having a 'mortgage' to your friends when it is in fact rent which sound like you are trying to 'keep up with the joneses'

Instead of getting indignant on here, go and help your wife work out how you can get through this situation.

ooh now MN has been told off, by the husband....

maybe MrNeedMOneyAdvice you could give out a few actual facts. And fgs cancel the bloody gym membership.

And the £80 mobile phone bills

Perhaps if you had friends in real like who did speak to you like this then perhaps you would not be in this situation.

You have greated this situation by relying on your parent to support you rather then getting a job and paying your own way in life.

I don't think theres any city in Scotland where you cannot rent a two bed flat for £650 or so, possibly less, with £100 or so CT a month. It means living on the outskirts or in a decent standard new build in a rehabilitated area, but probably reasonably pleasant, and taking the schools choices given. £1350 rent is astronomical rent for anything but the most luxurious flats, and even then the going rate is around £500 a month per bedroom, top whack. £1350 would be a very special, historically significant property in the best part of the best street in the most expensive part of town.

I'm wondering if the rent figures includes CT, service charges and parking as well.

Why not check with the PIL before entering into such a premium lease? In fact, surely any letting agent would have asked for a rent guarantor on such a rent where the income doesn't match up to the rent?

Bathsheba Tue 18-Feb-14 19:16:07

Okay Then Boy-Wonder....lets prove your ability to do the Accounting./Banking change of career - stop leaving your 8 months pg wife to sort it out and YOU sort it out....

I can't see this being anymore successful the his Media degree.

His wife is always going to be working 3 jobs to make ends meet while he sits on his arse complaining it's everyone elses fault.

Ops husband...I think part of the trouble is that the op didn't seem to want to hear any advice other then for someone to magically offer to give you 500 a month to make up for what you are 'losing'.
It is hard, really hard, but the facts are that if you change your sons school to the local one and she cycles to work then you could lose the costs of running a car. If you postpone your studies and get a better paid job now that would help. I realise these are unappealing options but you are not in a position to be picky.

Oh dear. We've all been repri- man -ded. Why is it that no-one's DH/DP ever comes onto a thread and says 'actually, you all have a point'? Why is it all chest-beating and 'Me man! Me angry! You mean to woman!"

Mr OP - if that is indeed who you are - you are doing your wife a great disservice by patting her on the head and telling her you'll sort out those nasty women on MN. Because many of those nasty women have devoted large amounts of time to trying to help with your situation, in the face of blatant misinformation, complete unwillingness to engage with any suggestions, and a fair bit of foot-stamping.

Your situation is what it is, and you can both bury your heads in the sand and keep saying 'can't can't can't won't' or you can actually take control of your situation and engage in some damage limitation.

There are some very knowledgable people on here, where money is concerned - I don't pretend to be one of them, but I have some relevant legal knowledge - and they would be more than happy to talk through options if your wife would just be clear about the facts and figures. Otherwise she's just wasting everyone's time.

Maybe she's stressed because she's working her arse of in two/three who can be sure jobs while her man-child of a husband sits on his arse studying and threatening to cut off daddy because he stopped bankrolling him.

If you're so concerned about it, how about you step up and help look after your family.

course the above is irrelevant because this is obviously horse shit