PIL Issue. Need some perspective.

[NameChangedForPILissue]

NC'd for obvious reasons.

PIL are very well off. Rich enough that MIL doesn't and has never worked. FIL earns a huge amount, and is unbelievably tight with it too (refuses to update 25 year old kitchen, 30 year old bathroom, won't buy MIL a new car even though hers is verging on dangerous, won't spend more than £10 per GC at christmas etc).

They are set to become millionaires with some inheritance that is probably due to come in the next year or two. For now they live on their £200k+ a year income with very little expenditure.

For the past 8 years, they have given us money every month to help with our living expenses. It began when DH was at university, before we met, and was the standard parents helping out a child at uni situation. DH always worked PT to top this up.

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process. This means he is earning low for now as he is studying whilst working so is essentially unskilled. In around 2 years, we hope he will be on a good salary. I am also on a relatively low wage.

We've been married since 2010, and since then they've given us £500 a month to help us out. Obviously, this is very generous and e appreciate this. SIL has had the same.

SIL no longer needs this, as her and her husband have now got high flying careers (lawyer and pilot) and no children, and do FIL has decided to stop all our payments.

We've just moved into a new home, and have a baby due in a few weeks. The timing could not be worse.

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again. I don't know what to do - is he being selfish and awful? Or is it his money and we should be grateful for what we've had up until now?

I wondered that, Hyva. Bit weird.

Vivi, I'm getting riled too! It's all bollocks!

ha. I thought that about the gym membership too! She didn't have time (imo) to sleep and eat, with 3 jobs. How the hell do you have time for a gym membership?!

Plus, if it is David Lloyd etc (guessing from the price) they definitely allow you to put your membership on hold for peanuts a month (done it myself in the past) so it's rubbish to say she can't cancel it.

It's annoying though. There are people who are genuinely managing on low incomes day to day (myself included) who have tried to give good advice. Feel like she's taking the piss out of us all! It's all just can't, can't, can't!

Like I keep saying. The issue seems to me that she doesn't want to change her lifestyle. She just wants someone else to fund it for her.

I think she's probably genuinely in dire straits, but fears that is she is honest and straight with the facts she will put people's backs up with various details. The problem is, in trying to second guess people's reaction and giving bits of 'safe' information then muddling the half-truths she's doing just that anyway.

They're probably led a relatively comfortable life up till now, (yeah she says they shop in lidl and don't go on holiday much, but they've got expensive phones and gym membership and a home in a prestigious postcode) and she fears she will come across grabby and entitled if she admits that. She'd have got a far better response if she had have just been straight though.

I think I agree vivi. She's got in a mess but has lead an affluent life on the back of PILs handouts.
She'd definitely have been more sensible to be straight with everyone.

Whaddafark and Happymummyofone whether you believe her or not there's no need to be so unpleasant

I think she is genuine, might being nieve though, but I reckon she owns the house, has massive mortgage and is really worried, she's probably worried, knowing that mums netters are all from different backgrounds and some in serious poverty, that if she says she's got mortgage and been living it up, then she won't get much sympathy or advice. Course we know that's crap, coz we all support each other coz we are all lovely!

It's just so frustrating that there's someone out there right now who we have all interacted with, understandably feeling wretched, but is making the situation so impossible for themselves

OP, YANBU.

It was generous of FIL to help you out when he did, but not unheard of.

He gave you no notice that he was withdrawing that help.

He knew you were renting a new apartment. Why did he not let you know that he wouldn't support that?

The fact that he was generous before, doesn't make it acceptable that he left you in the lurch without warning.

He won't offer you any form of loan. You are not eligible for a bankloan. What is a person supposed to do?!

I don't think it's "entitled" that you accepted his help. Should no human being ever accept any help from anyone ever? As someone above rightfully pointed out, some PILs offer free childcare.

It's admirable that your husband is training. I agree that the short-term solution of working more jobs is unsustainable.

I think people are nitpicking regarding mortgage/rent. Honestly, it seems that people want to be unpleasant for the sake of it.

(On a side note, I wonder why he won't help your MIL get a new car? Her current situation does not sound safe.)

My sincerest empathies, OP. It really, really doesn't sound like you had a lavish lifestyle to begin with.

This is not an easy situation.

And I don't see why it's so unacceptable that you made plans based on his contribution - he gave no indication that he was withdrawing it.

If she lives in Edinburgh, £200 council tax is Band G, same in Aberdeen and Glasgow.

If you genuinely need help though, I see no point in being dishonest / misleading in earnings, as how can anybody offer useful assistance?

Im cross as well i used to earn less than her, now on JSA so no money, but with my previos £26K income could pay for rent in expensive CT(mind you ours was only £100 in west London), but didn't have gym, car or contact phones, I give up she just wants to moan and not make changes, sometimes you have to lose your 'credit rating' that she wants to keep to feed your kids.

Op I have tried to read all your posts but may have missed this somewhere. Have you or more importantly your dh actually spoken to your fil about this? Not that I think you are 'entitled' to this money, but does he understand the impact it's sudden withdrawal will have on you? If he does and still decides not to help then I think you've realised you will have to suck it up, how I don't know, there has been lots of good advice on this thread but only you and dh know your situation and what you can change.

FWIW I don't think you sound like a generally unreasonable person but your dhs reaction does sound unreasonable and I think you know this. He will probably realise too when the initial shock subsides. However lucky you have been so far I do feel for you, things sound like they are going to be tough. You have had a thorough roasting on here but I think you have taken this on board. Good luck.

I think she's probably genuinely in dire straits

No she is not, being in dire straits is not having 30k come into a household.

Dire straits is not being able to feed your children and not because you have over stretched on none essentials

Bloody bastarding bollocks that'll teach me to only read ops posts.

Titty, on another thread she's got going she's been told the £500 is stopping, not that it has actually been stopped. I do wonder how much is genuine!

Sorry titty our messages got crossed! Tell you what though she's really got things going on MN!

Bagof if I recall, DH called his DF to say the money had not gone in the bank. DF said he had stopped it.

Snookypooky on her other thread she states they are about to loose it, unless I'm really crap at grammar, and I might well be, there is a difference between stopped and stopping, one has been done when is about to be done, I guess either way its pants, but if you have warning at least you can be a bit prepared!

I also wonder if her FIL was actually giving more than £500 per month - perhaps more like £1000? Otherwise, according to what I can work out, they were up against it anyway!

I'm so frustrated by this and the other thread. OP isn't sure how she's going to put food on the table and is fretting about credit ratings? GET REAL!

Bagof I'm sure it's in this thread somewhere, but it's irrelevant really in the grand scheme of things. Pants as you say.

I am the husband of Changed Name For PIL issue (and Need Money Advice which she changed to).

She started a new thread, with a new name, because she had tried to hide my identity and changed a few things here (probably a mistake, I agree) and she was looking for more specific advice.

I have read both her threads. So far the majority of people have been troll hunting, bullying, or just downright nasty. I am so bloody angry at the way my wife has been spoken to. So many of you here should be ashamed of yourselves.

No one we know in 'read life' would ever speak to us like she has been spoken to on here. Maybe we keep better company than the majority of mumsnet users seem to be, or maybe it is easy to be so rude and horrid across an anonymous forum. I don't know.

I hope you can all go to bed happily tonight knowing that you have left a heavily pregnant, heavily stressed woman in floods of tears, feeling really low. I've not seen her this upset in a long time.

We have made mistakes, we did rely on money from my parents which we shouldn't have. It was a long term thing, we just didn't consider them suddenly stopping. It is true, what has been said, that we shouldn't have been relying on it. I do wonder how many of you would turn down a monetary gift from parents, but that is irrelevant, and I don't care anymore.

My wife used to come onto MN for support, advice, and help. She has told me that the help she got here saved her life before when she had post natal depression after our son was born and his father died. But this, this is just disgusting behaviour.

I'm mortified for her. I am embarrassed that other women would treat someone this way. I am disgusted.

I suspect that they've bought a flat, probably in Edinburgh, hence the absolutely can't-get-out-of-it high cost 'rental', but as has been said, she fears bring flamed if she admits to buying a property when they don't make enough money to cover it. That would explain choosing to move to somewhere 5 miles from the DS's school-presumably being nearer to the great school would be out of reach. And people in Scotland don't say mortgage when they mean rent

I also reckon they've been stupidly spendthrift up to now on the assumption that PIL would continue to provide. No savings, luxury outgoings, and no thought that hey, we should just maybe try and live within our means/save/sort out schooling close by etc.

Or it's just a wind up. Going back to work at three jobs within a month of the birth? Joining a gym while this is happening? Astronomical council tax for a 2-bed flat in a city, even a lovely one? Sorry, no.