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AIBU?

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Original poster

PIL Issue. Need some perspective.

999 replies

NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 12:42

NC'd for obvious reasons.

PIL are very well off. Rich enough that MIL doesn't and has never worked. FIL earns a huge amount, and is unbelievably tight with it too (refuses to update 25 year old kitchen, 30 year old bathroom, won't buy MIL a new car even though hers is verging on dangerous, won't spend more than £10 per GC at christmas etc).

They are set to become millionaires with some inheritance that is probably due to come in the next year or two. For now they live on their £200k+ a year income with very little expenditure.

For the past 8 years, they have given us money every month to help with our living expenses. It began when DH was at university, before we met, and was the standard parents helping out a child at uni situation. DH always worked PT to top this up.

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process. This means he is earning low for now as he is studying whilst working so is essentially unskilled. In around 2 years, we hope he will be on a good salary. I am also on a relatively low wage.

We've been married since 2010, and since then they've given us £500 a month to help us out. Obviously, this is very generous and e appreciate this. SIL has had the same.

SIL no longer needs this, as her and her husband have now got high flying careers (lawyer and pilot) and no children, and do FIL has decided to stop all our payments.

We've just moved into a new home, and have a baby due in a few weeks. The timing could not be worse.

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again. I don't know what to do - is he being selfish and awful? Or is it his money and we should be grateful for what we've had up until now?

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 17/02/2014 23:29

Op - are you really really sure that you are not entitled too benefits? Not just pretty sure but really really sure?

Because a lot of your problems are solvable if you are.

Re: paying back exam fees - often your new company will pay this for you - or at least give you an interest free loan.

Roseformeplease · 17/02/2014 23:30

Maybe overseas?

Roseformeplease · 17/02/2014 23:31

Sorry, posted too early. Invoicing for hours worked in a regular job is actually frowned upon. They should PAYE you as you are a worker (bar work) not someon providing a service (like a chimney sweep) and they could get into trouble, as could you.

deakymom · 17/02/2014 23:33

FIL is a bit tight if he wont buy his own wife a car when hers is dangerous and really should get an new kitchen and bathroom but he has not been tight with his children am right?

im pretty sure your PIL has a good case of bad timing you should accept he has been more than generous and try to make it on your own from now on

IneedAsockamnesty · 18/02/2014 00:13

Based on the combined incomes the op has disclosed they do not qualify for any benefits.but if a job was dropped on income alone she would qualify

A previous fraud issue would not prohibit a new claim nor would a previous overpayment

If it was a recourse to public funds thing both members of the couple would have to have no recourse.

I'm guessing she has only been given advice based on her current earnings

SnowBells · 18/02/2014 00:24

OK. I did not read this mammoth thread fully.

However, I do in a way get what the OP says - when a parent commits to something, he/she should uphold it. Regardless of whether other people on this board do not have that luxury.

I always think you should never promise anyone something you can't deliver. And I say that as someone who has parents who always promised things (ever since I was little), only to go back on them - e.g. living in the middle of nowhere and not being given a lift just because SAHM wanted to relax despot promising she would. Still annoys me to this day as my parents are still very much like that. You can't rely on them at all. Planning a holiday is futile as 50% of the time, after much planning, they will opt out. So… anyone on MN: Never promise your children anything you can't deliver. Please. Even if it's just some birthday treat or something.

OP: No matter how great your DH is - he made a horrible mistake studying media. What on Earth did he expect? While he was doing his A-levels, has he never looked at what PROPER media people (journalism or even researchers) have studied??? They often study traditional academic courses at very good unis. Virtually everyone knows that studying media is a dead end unless you are very lucky or have connections. The very successful ones I briefly knew who ended up in media (from self-employed filming to award-wining directors) either (a) did not study in the UK, and (b) continuously spent money to learn more tricks of the trade. One person, for example, worked in Design for a large financial corporation while funding his film studies.

OP - had your DH studied one of the traditional courses, he may not have ended up in media, but would have ended up somewhere that pays well.

Robfordscrack · 18/02/2014 00:37

The thread title says it all. yes, you need some perspective.

falulahthecat · 18/02/2014 00:47

wondering why you've got a baby on the way when you were in financial difficulties

You have been very lucky to get this help, not everyone does.
Before you panic - why not see how it goes, tighten your belts wherever possible, find out what benefits you're entitled to and just ask your rich sister for more handouts if it starts to go tits up

falulahthecat · 18/02/2014 00:48

May I also suggest a trip to the CAB - many fees etc that have to be paid can be postponed, or payments can be made smaller. Take it from someone who knows!

falulahthecat · 18/02/2014 01:04

Ok, reading through the posts I now have zero sympathy. I refuse to believe there is not a 2 bedroomed flat, in the cheap part of an expensive city in the UK, that costs less than £1350 a month.
I live in an posh/expensive city (unfortunately) - and £850 would be pushing it.
The DP and I DREAM of having combined earnings of 30,000 a year, as it is we survive on 16,000 with minimal council tax relief.
I used ctrl+f to go through just your posts one by one and they are filled with contradictions and back tracking, and I got bored. Sorry but this all just seems really odd.

Xenadog · 18/02/2014 02:15

OP I think you and your DH sound entitled. Now is the time to stand on your own two (four?) feet and stop whinging about your FiL no longer supporting your lifestyle.

Whatever you think you are entitled to you just accept that you have no right to your in laws money and get on with living a normal life the same as anyone else. TBH your attitude sickens me.

NadiaWadia · 18/02/2014 06:58

There have been some horrible posters on this thread. Leave the OP alone, FFS! What is wrong with you all?

NadiaWadia · 18/02/2014 07:05

Even though it was generous of the (wealthy) FIL to subsidise them like this, by suddenly withdrawing this with no warning he has left them in a terrrible situation. Maybe it was a power thing, as some posters have suggested. But of course OP and her DP are going to be shocked and upset, as the money was promised while the husband was training.

NadiaWadia · 18/02/2014 07:10

And I'm saying that as someone who could never have hoped to get anything like that from my Dparents! I still think the FIL has behaved badly though (unless there's some reason OP doesn't know about, serious illness of FIL or MIL, maybe?)

You should make promises (especially to family) that you can't keep.

Oriunda · 18/02/2014 07:51

I rent my 2 bed flat out in zone 4 of London (30 mins to oxford street) for £975/month. You are either renting in Mayfair or paying way too much.

QOD · 18/02/2014 08:28

Whys everyone being mean?
I don't understand why you can't claim. Is it a cultural thing?

purplebaubles · 18/02/2014 08:43

I don't think ppl are being deliberately mean.

It's because there are huge discrepancies in the OP's story, and she refuses to answer any of the questions posed to her. None of her financial calculations add up. And for someone who is on minimum wage not to know what that is....bull...shit.

And as you say, why can't she claim tax credits???!

soverylucky · 18/02/2014 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 18/02/2014 08:50

Of course people were mean, they ignored the fact she was working three jobs and pregnant,said she had a gold plated life of entitled luxury and said she was a grabby leech. All because they were lucky enough in the past to receive extra funding in the form of cash.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 18/02/2014 08:54

Its sad when you cannot trust your own parents isn't it!

I really hope I can help my DC out in anyway possible and the generation below me have been studying and qualifying in an un precedented time of hard straights and credit crunch.

Surely its shoulders to the wheel and if you can help,do .

Bearbehind · 18/02/2014 08:59

Something else occurred to me which doesn't add up.

I don't believe any letting agent would allow a 7 month pregnant woman who is contributing two thirds of the household earned income of £33k by working 3 jobs, to take out a non-standard 18 month lease on a property with a monthly rent of £1,350.

The OP and her husband couldn't afford £1,350 a month on their salaries even with the additional £500 without someone acting as guarantor.

It's not in the interest of the letting agent or landlord to let a property to a tenant in such a precarious financial position and I can't believe they were able to move last month without a guarantor, based on the incomes quoted.

soverylucky · 18/02/2014 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Roussette · 18/02/2014 09:10

It is frustrating because posters actually want to help in some way but the OP has told us about 20% of the story and with only that, no one can offer the right advice.
The 80% not known covers why they can't receive tax credits (there's a very good reason but what is it?), where is this hugely expensive city that is more expensive than London and where a tiny flat/house costs £1,350 a month, and why... if her OH is working in this expensive city, aren't his wages comensurate with that... he is on £11K in chartered banking which is a total impossibility. I honestly think that if there was more answers to all the questions, posters would be far more sympathetic and genuinely able to help. MNers just get sooo frustrated with unanswered questions and therefore being unable to help properly, I know I do.

HappyMummyOfOne · 18/02/2014 09:12

"Its sad when you cannot trust your own parents isn't it!"

Mm, i think eight years of support is enough. During that time he gained a degree that he did nothing with and is now studying towards a qualification that nobody seems to know the name of Hmm. Within thise eight years he still earns less than minimum wage.

Add to that FIL said he he would help them whilst studying, i doubt very much he meant them to spend it on a luxury flat and another child! The OP has already admitted she signed the lease on the nice place in a nice area knowing FIL was paying and could have moved much cheaper elsewhere.

I dont think FIL pulled the money as part of control, more like he saw his DS and DIL taking him for a mug. Given she calls him tight and her DH thinks his children are pay per view its little wonder there have been critical posts.

Bear, thats a very good point re the landlord and income not matching.

ViviPru · 18/02/2014 09:28

MNers just get sooo frustrated with unanswered questions and therefore being unable to help properly, I know I do.

Me too. I'm crap at there there I'm glad there are others to do that. I'm pragmatic and practical and genuinely where possible try and use my knowledge and experience to suggest tangible solutions. But I can't do that when I feel there are significant contributory factors being omitted from the account of the problem being posed. And it's frustrating.