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AIBU?

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Original poster

PIL Issue. Need some perspective.

999 replies

NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 12:42

NC'd for obvious reasons.

PIL are very well off. Rich enough that MIL doesn't and has never worked. FIL earns a huge amount, and is unbelievably tight with it too (refuses to update 25 year old kitchen, 30 year old bathroom, won't buy MIL a new car even though hers is verging on dangerous, won't spend more than £10 per GC at christmas etc).

They are set to become millionaires with some inheritance that is probably due to come in the next year or two. For now they live on their £200k+ a year income with very little expenditure.

For the past 8 years, they have given us money every month to help with our living expenses. It began when DH was at university, before we met, and was the standard parents helping out a child at uni situation. DH always worked PT to top this up.

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process. This means he is earning low for now as he is studying whilst working so is essentially unskilled. In around 2 years, we hope he will be on a good salary. I am also on a relatively low wage.

We've been married since 2010, and since then they've given us £500 a month to help us out. Obviously, this is very generous and e appreciate this. SIL has had the same.

SIL no longer needs this, as her and her husband have now got high flying careers (lawyer and pilot) and no children, and do FIL has decided to stop all our payments.

We've just moved into a new home, and have a baby due in a few weeks. The timing could not be worse.

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again. I don't know what to do - is he being selfish and awful? Or is it his money and we should be grateful for what we've had up until now?

OP posts:
foreverondiet · 17/02/2014 21:47

Ok, I actually sympathise with the OP. They were given money each month by well off parents. They made decisions based on this extra income. For the PIL it wasn't that much money. And it was stopped at no notice. Not fair at all.

If that happened to me, I would sit down with my parents and explain a strategy for becoming self sufficient, and also explain why we had made decisions (eg having a child) based on us having the income. And then plead for them to continue the payments for x about more time. Even as a loan if necessary.

If you can't do that, then probably not worth asking further.... I think that's the only option if you want them to keep on paying.

Bearbehind · 17/02/2014 21:53

I agree with the sentiment of your post forever but if they can't even explain what the studying is going to lead to, they don't have much of a case.

Bathsheba · 17/02/2014 21:57

OP said earlier on that, categorically, her FIL DOS NOT do loans - I'm wondering if her DH is from a strict Muslim background and, as part of that there is a culture clash between OP/DH and his parents...

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 17/02/2014 21:59

Cravey, wow, not sure which comment your referring to but mine was to being a grown up? As said...

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 17/02/2014 22:00

Bath good point.

tiredlady · 17/02/2014 22:08

Sorry OP haven't read all the thread, but I do feel you've been given a really hard time.
I think what your FIL is doing is a bit shit really. Yeah yeah, it's his money and everything, but if I were loaded and my kids were struggling I wouldn't hesitate in helping them out, especially if the amounts of money concerned were peanuts to me but meant a lot to them.
Your FIL would have known you had come to rely on that income and the very least he could have done would have been to give you advanced warning that it would stop.
Good luck

daisychain01 · 17/02/2014 22:11

Wow how crazy that someone that has given thousands of his money away be described in such crazy terms. He has not just talked of giving money away, he has actually given them his money

Um takingthemickey nobody has held a gun to FILs head and told him he had to give them money! Whether it was hundreds, thousands or a tenner, it is irrelevant. In principle, and for whatever reason, he gave them money, the fact he then decided "i've got bored of this game, I'll turn off the tap" with no conscience as to the impact it will have on his son's life, makes him a pretty unpleasant character in my book.

What would it have taken for him to sit and have a father to son chat and agree a graceful end date? If nothing else, it would have given the clear message that he gives a damn about them.

mumminio · 17/02/2014 22:13

Ummm you are having a child, but are relying on others to keep afloat. Anyway...you need to either increase your income (2nd job? fast-track DH's training so he can work earlier?) or decrease your expenditure (move to smaller home, cut out ALL unnecessary spending) or both. Welcome to parenthood!

Rinoachicken · 17/02/2014 22:16

Er mumminio have you even RTFT?? The OP is already working 3 jobs and her partner working one plus studying???

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 17/02/2014 22:16

I think all your posts have summed it up really well daisy.

Its reckless and callous behaviour.

mum she already has a son and is a widow.

eveylikesv · 17/02/2014 22:21

Op, could your sil give you a loan? Sounds like her and bil are well off and you are getting on well, so could be a temporary solution.
Yanbu for being annoyed but yabu for relying on pil's money.

CrapBag · 17/02/2014 22:26

Sounds to me like your FIL enjoy controllingcontrolling people with money.

In don't get MN at times. OP, you or your DH don't sound entitled. your Film has done a shitty thing and I'm not surprise d your DH is angry. It was agreed that ryou would getthis money until your DH had finished his training, yet he stops it for no reason and with no warning and refuses to discuss it. This smacks of him wanting total co trolif you ask me.

And you certainly do not deserve the horrendous time you have had o. Here.

MonsterMunchMe · 17/02/2014 22:39

None of what you've said makes sense. None of it. I would copy and paste and highlight your posts but you won't answer them so there's not point.

You are either incredibly exhausted and confused and being lied to by your DH

Or

You are on the prowl for cash

Either one. This can not be true. To many inconsistencies and stonewalling every helpful suggestion.

Why aren't you entitled to tax credits? Is it because of visa restrictions or because you were fraudulently claiming them before? I can't think of any other reason why you wouldn't be entilted.

What kind of childcare costs £350 per month for a 8 year old???

What about housing benefit and council tax benefit? To help towards your rent?

And why on earth did you move from a cheaper 2 bed to a more expensive two bed so your older DS can have his own room and not share with baby. That makes no sense

None of these questi

MonsterMunchMe · 17/02/2014 22:40

None of what you've said makes sense. None of it. I would copy and paste and highlight your posts but you won't answer them so there's not point.

You are either incredibly exhausted and confused and being lied to by your DH

Or

You are on the prowl for cash

Either one. This can not be true. To many inconsistencies and stonewalling every helpful suggestion.

Why aren't you entitled to tax credits? Is it because of visa restrictions or because you were fraudulently claiming them before? I can't think of any other reason why you wouldn't be entilted.

What kind of childcare costs £350 per month for a 8 year old???

What about housing benefit and council tax benefit? To help towards your rent?

And why on earth did you move from a cheaper 2 bed to a more expensive two bed so your older DS can have his own room and not share with baby. That makes no sense

None of these questions will be answered obviously but I needed to get it off my chest.

foreverondiet · 17/02/2014 22:53

Which is it:

"Just says he 'can't afford to bail us out anymore"

or

"He talks about money ALL the time. We know how much he has."

Can see that in some cities in the UK, including outer London a 2 bed flat would be £1,500 a month, although surprised no break clause, we always negotiated one so wouldn't be tied.

Its obviously imperative your DH continues with his training as thats the key to you being able to improve your situation, and just on his income you should be entitled to benefits to cover much of your rent. Hiow much worse of would you be if you gave up the jobs that won't pay maternity pay?

TBH I am an surprised that someone doing accountancy training in an expensive city would only get £11k. I did accountancy training in 1997 and earned £18k. Could he move jobs mid training and increase the amount he earns?

BettyBotter · 17/02/2014 23:01

Bloody hell, people have given you a hard time on here. Sad However much money any of us have or don't have, if we have planned and made commitments to spend what we expect, suddenly having it withdrawn is a frightening shock. It sounds like FIL has done a really shitty thing to you. Your dh must feel hurt. But ultimately you'll be better not relying on his manipulative 'largesse' in the future. Have a Brew and Cake

BettyBotter · 17/02/2014 23:02

Oh god MN. Can't we get rid of some of these troll hunters?

VoyageDeVerity · 17/02/2014 23:03

There are some real cunts on here

FetchezLaVache · 17/02/2014 23:05

OP, you say you invoice the bar your hours @ £6.19 and they pay you as self-employed. Were you aware the minimum wage went up to £6.31 on 1 October 2013? Perhaps talk to SIL about your chances of getting paid at least some of the extra you should have had, in arrears.

YANBU to be pissed off at the suddenness with which FIL's financial support has been withdrawn and the timing of it, with a baby due next month, is pretty crap, really. However, you say you're not in London, you're paying £1350 a month on rent and that you moved to your current place from somewhere even more expensive. I think you've been pretty irresponsible to fritter so much on rent for so many years when you COULD have rented somewhere much cheaper and built up a buffer...

Takingthemickey · 17/02/2014 23:06

daisychain I guess we have to differ. I go on the fact that someone has willingly given out tens of thousands of his money, money he could burn if he so choose as he earned it, to adult children. You say no one has put a gun to his head to give the money, well surely that means he also has the choice to stop giving the money - by your analogy.

I am sympathetic to OP, I also come from a background where parents help adult children but there is an expectation that you eventually become independent. It can't go on forever and nor should it. Only the giver has the right to decide when they can no longer give. Part of our role as parents is for our children to stand on their feet.

The timing may be unfortunate but you also do not know the other side of the story. We should never count other people's money and presume what they should be doing for us based on their earnings - that is a basic rule.

ViviPru · 17/02/2014 23:15

No, Monster, their previous place was smaller, yet more expensive. Which is mind boggling. A flat so small you can't fit a cot in the double bedroom for more than £1350 pcm or whatever it was? Man alive.

That's the crux of the issue right there. Where the OP lives is simply way too expensive for people on such modest incomes. Parental contributions or not.

Just idly musing now but surely the DH has had a privileged, comfortable upbringing, seems very at odds with the circumstances he now finds himself in.

Also, I just re-read the post detailing the OPs working hours. Shitting hell, that is some wretched existence. No wonder she doesn't know her arse from her elbow. (Or her rent from her mortgage) I'd be rocking in a corner somewhere, dribbling and chuntering to myself doing those hours week in week out.

OP I implore you. Please. Get out of that contract and move somewhere where you can find a suitable home within your means. Uprooting DS from school or being further from friends and family are unwelcome prospects, but might be the sacrifice you have to make to afford a roof over your heads. You just CAN'T AFFORD TO LIVE IN THAT EXPENSIVE POSTCODE. Simple as that.

Cravey · 17/02/2014 23:16

I'd rather play here. Apologies. Got the wrong end of the post. Blame the fizz.

Cravey · 17/02/2014 23:19

Op have you thought that maybe he can't afford you anymore ? You may not know everything about his finances as you seem to think. Either way. I stand by what I said. He doesn't have to give you money. You have over stretched yourselves and should not have counted on his money forever. It's sad yes and I should imagine very hard. But I'm afraid you're going to have to learn to live within your means. Take some advice on the letting contract and also some benefit advice.

LittleBearPad · 17/02/2014 23:27

OP do you live in the UK?

This is pretty important because if not any advice people are trying to give isn't going to help re Shelter etc.

Would also explain why your rent is high but you don't live in London and why you don't don't seem to know the minimum wage plus why you'd DH seems to be on such a shitty contract at work. £11k really isn't sounding right for a UK

LittleBearPad · 17/02/2014 23:28

Sorry a UK professional qualification training salary.