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Original poster

PIL Issue. Need some perspective.

999 replies

NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 12:42

NC'd for obvious reasons.

PIL are very well off. Rich enough that MIL doesn't and has never worked. FIL earns a huge amount, and is unbelievably tight with it too (refuses to update 25 year old kitchen, 30 year old bathroom, won't buy MIL a new car even though hers is verging on dangerous, won't spend more than £10 per GC at christmas etc).

They are set to become millionaires with some inheritance that is probably due to come in the next year or two. For now they live on their £200k+ a year income with very little expenditure.

For the past 8 years, they have given us money every month to help with our living expenses. It began when DH was at university, before we met, and was the standard parents helping out a child at uni situation. DH always worked PT to top this up.

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process. This means he is earning low for now as he is studying whilst working so is essentially unskilled. In around 2 years, we hope he will be on a good salary. I am also on a relatively low wage.

We've been married since 2010, and since then they've given us £500 a month to help us out. Obviously, this is very generous and e appreciate this. SIL has had the same.

SIL no longer needs this, as her and her husband have now got high flying careers (lawyer and pilot) and no children, and do FIL has decided to stop all our payments.

We've just moved into a new home, and have a baby due in a few weeks. The timing could not be worse.

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again. I don't know what to do - is he being selfish and awful? Or is it his money and we should be grateful for what we've had up until now?

OP posts:
nauticant · 17/02/2014 16:29

I pay my mortgage on a house = I rent a flat. How could you not understand SuperScrimper?

Valpollicella · 17/02/2014 16:30

I know you won't want to say but wtf about you won't qualify for CTC & WTC? Even if you drop two of your jobs?

Surely you would? Again I'd be speaking to CAB about that as well.

You need a sit down this eve and prep a load of questions to speak to them about, as well as your lease

Roussette · 17/02/2014 16:30

He earns a load of money and treats himself all the time, brand new things, expensive trips with friends, golf club membership, top of the range bike..

Why the hell shouldn't he? He's old and he can do with his money what he wants. I know of NO ONE who has been subsidised like this by their parents. He has given you a good start and in years to come it'll all come to your DH and SIL anyway when he passes away. He can spend what he wants now and I imagine that we are only hearing half the story and there is a very good reason why he isn't shelling out every month any more.

Look.... I do feel for you working so hard but the difference between lots of posters on here and me and your post is the fact I would not have assumed month on month I was getting this money.

nennypops · 17/02/2014 16:31

You say you don't know why DH is on such a low salary. Have you asked? I don't want to be horrible about this, but are you sure he is telling you the truth about what he earns? Have you and he looked into whether he could get a higher salary elsewhere?

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 16:32

Thanks everyone.

I work in a bar. I have sat down in the toilet and office saying I don't feel well for the past few hours MNing on my phone Blush I just needed to talk this through. I don't normally skive Blush

We are SO trying to take control of our lives, and we really feel like we are. We've tried so many times to get to a stage where we didn't need this money, but things kept happening and we just can't keep afloat without it.

We aren't eligible for loans, so we'll just have to find some other way to make/save £500 a month.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 17/02/2014 16:32

First it was a mortgage now it is rent.
Then he was an accountant and now he's a banker.

Fil is unbelievably tight, but he is bankrolling you.

Make your mind up OP.

ViviPru · 17/02/2014 16:32

ALTHOUGH.... I have to say in light of your recent post - This puts me oin mind of my own situation, I have a couple of friends who are massively snobby about renting, and while I am a renting evangelist and not ashamed in the slightest, I simply CBA to justify it to them and I know they will judge me unfairly if they thought we rent. I don't need that shit.

I've never actually lied and said we own our house, I've simpley never corrected them when they've made assumptions. I've just skirted the issue. So based on this, I'm beginning to wonder if a small part of this might be that you've been struggling to keep up appearances? If DH's parents are so minted, I'm guessing he had quite a privileged upbringing and has moved in wealthy circles, are some of your friends that you use this "common terminology" around influencing your choice of rental property/location?

Sure I may be well off the mark, but only inferring based on what you've said....

SuperScrimper · 17/02/2014 16:33

Oh God OP is one of those people like my Aunt who insists on calling the local Sixth Form College, 'university' Hmm it's all a little bit Bucket/Boooooooooooquet for me.

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 16:34

rousette of course he should, I didn't say he shouldn't at all. You've read that out of context. Read the next paragraph.

It's the fact he spends on himself so freely and is so tight with MIL and won't allow her any control or spending power. It is abusive. That's not the issue.

OP posts:
purplebaubles · 17/02/2014 16:34

Not at all! I"m a working mother myself, no choice. But I wouldn't leave a 6 week old baby with a 'friend' . I pay for professional, trained childcare.

And sorry if I sound suspicious, but your friend is a teacher? Well, if she's a teacher, she's going to be at school!!!!! So how is she going to look after your baby?

Bithurt · 17/02/2014 16:34

If this has just recently happened then you're dh is probably worried about how you're going to get by without the £500 to actually mean he's going to cut contact with his dad..

Sorry op, I'm not sure if I've missed it, but is it possible for your dh to take a break and start where he left off? Have no idea of accountancy.

I don't think you sound entitled. My mum provides us with (free) childcare when my husband away (he works away) and I don't know what we'd do if it stopped. I work shifts for 12 hours including nights and weekends so nursery wouldn't work.

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 16:35

No, all our friends know we rent, we just don't correct them when they say mortgage.

Maybe we should, again this is probably our fault. Didn't realise it was ever a big deal TBH.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 17/02/2014 16:35

Mortgage means rent. Okaaaay.

Roussette · 17/02/2014 16:35

Well NameChanged, that's a whole other thread isn't it... and something for your DH and SIL to deal with. The fact is he has been generous to you both in the past, there's no getting away from that.

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 16:36

purple I said before, she will be on maternity leave. Her baby is due 2 weeks before mine.

OP posts:
Sarahschuster · 17/02/2014 16:36

I've done bar work. It is hectic. Can't imagine managing to hide in the loo/office for hours on end. And if i did, pretending to be unwell but actually faffing on the Internet then i would be bang out of order because somebody else would have to do my work for me. Not usually this picky, but literally everything you post sounds either unbelievable, or pretty objectionable OP.

HyvaPaiva · 17/02/2014 16:37

I have sat down in the toilet and office saying I don't feel well for the past few hours MNing on my phone

Confused
SuperScrimper · 17/02/2014 16:37

Yes because people with 2 weeks old babies love looking after other small babies for free Hmm

georgedawes · 17/02/2014 16:37

She's going to be looking after 2 newborns for free?!

Chippednailvarnish · 17/02/2014 16:38

Now I have heard it all, your friend is going to care for a 3 week old and a 5 week old at the same time for nothing.

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 16:38

sarah FGS you obviously just don't want to believe me, so that's fine. I can't prove anything to you, so I will just leave it there.

I am 8 months pregnant so don't work alone. It's pretty quiet downstairs in the bar, and I am in the office with the CCTV on. The manager is covering the bar in my absence, because I said I felt unwell. They are just chatting as there is no one really in.

Yes I feel guilty. But I came here for advice that I felt I needed as this situation is making me really stressed. DH is angry and threatening to not see PIL again, and we are losing this income so I am really stressed.

OP posts:
Chrysanthemum5 · 17/02/2014 16:39

OP I think you've had some useful replies, and some fairly horrible ones.

To be fair I think a lot of people on this forum will receive more than £500 pm from parents in the form of free childcare etc. and no you clearly shouldn't have relied on the money - especially given your FILs controlling behaviour. However you did and now you need to find a way out.

I'd second going to the CAB and getting advice. And actually I think it's reasonable to try to avoid your DCs sharing a room as your DS is 8 and would rather have his own room. But that may be something you have to do.

Can you explain things to your FIL and ask for a loan until your husband qualifies?

SuperScrimper · 17/02/2014 16:40

It's all so funny. I want to live where one word means whatever you want it to mean, where you can do nothing all day at 'work' and some sucker will take your baby every day for free to look after with their own newborn Grin

AuroraRoared · 17/02/2014 16:40

But OP, you haven't actually engaged with anyone giving advice so what are you hoping to get from this thread?

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 16:41

chipped, george, scrimper Yes.

When she had her first child, she was training to be a teacher and couldn't take the time off, so I looked after her baby as I only worked nights at the time. I did this from 2 weeks! With her mother as well, so I didn't do full time or anything. Just a few days a week.

She is now doing the same for me. We were worried it would be too much, but she had at one point 2 babies who were less than a year apart in age, and also as she pointed out, it is no different to having twins.

OP posts: