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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL Issue. Need some perspective.

999 replies

NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 12:42

NC'd for obvious reasons.

PIL are very well off. Rich enough that MIL doesn't and has never worked. FIL earns a huge amount, and is unbelievably tight with it too (refuses to update 25 year old kitchen, 30 year old bathroom, won't buy MIL a new car even though hers is verging on dangerous, won't spend more than £10 per GC at christmas etc).

They are set to become millionaires with some inheritance that is probably due to come in the next year or two. For now they live on their £200k+ a year income with very little expenditure.

For the past 8 years, they have given us money every month to help with our living expenses. It began when DH was at university, before we met, and was the standard parents helping out a child at uni situation. DH always worked PT to top this up.

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process. This means he is earning low for now as he is studying whilst working so is essentially unskilled. In around 2 years, we hope he will be on a good salary. I am also on a relatively low wage.

We've been married since 2010, and since then they've given us £500 a month to help us out. Obviously, this is very generous and e appreciate this. SIL has had the same.

SIL no longer needs this, as her and her husband have now got high flying careers (lawyer and pilot) and no children, and do FIL has decided to stop all our payments.

We've just moved into a new home, and have a baby due in a few weeks. The timing could not be worse.

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again. I don't know what to do - is he being selfish and awful? Or is it his money and we should be grateful for what we've had up until now?

OP posts:
Roussette · 17/02/2014 16:19

Agreed Serenity. Also upthread the OP said he was doing a degree in media or something - now it's Chartered Banking. I know without fail you earn more than that in that sort of field. You'd earn more than £11k working in a pub for goodness sake!

ViviPru · 17/02/2014 16:19

I suspect it is a mortgage and for some reason the OP prefers not to reveal this, which is absolutely her prerogative, but if that is the case, she ought to expect a bit of chinny reckon.

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 16:19

We don't live in London.

I can absolutely promise you that he isn't earning £18k. It's not bollocks.

Vivi I am sorry about the word mortgage. We say it, all my friends say it, PIL say it, maybe it's a colloquialism here but no one really says 'rent'?

I am totally aware this is confusing on MN though and don't nrormally make the mistake.

OP posts:
AlpacaLypse · 17/02/2014 16:20

I can't help thinking you might possibly be better off re tax credits/working family etc if you worked a bit less. I'm worried you're going to end up making yourself ill.

Also is there a reason why you couldn't take out a study loan until DH is qualified?

Sarahschuster · 17/02/2014 16:20

And OP you don't sound grateful because despite saying you are grateful after numerous people have said you are being very unreasonable, you initially said the man who has forked out tens of thousands of pounds to his kids was "unbelievably tight" and seemed to think it might be OK in the circumstances to cut him off from his grandchildren. Pretty clear what you really think.

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 16:21

Rousette DH has a degree in media.

He is now doing chartered banking, whilst working. His salary is low as he is a trainee, and the money for the courses/books/exams and things, I think, has an impact on what they pay him.

OP posts:
IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 17/02/2014 16:22

Bearbehind

No I said to op from the start that she wouldnt do well posting this problem on this board. I also offered and gave her my thoughts on the subject with are empathetic

Then the nasty harridan posts flooded in, as has been said by most reasonably kind posters...that NO its not nice what has happened to her....

I said something along the lines of, so you have three jobs...thats not much and I bet you even sleep at night you entitled leach....most certainly sarcasm, I do belive people should sleep....I do think thats OK...Grin

steff13 · 17/02/2014 16:22

I understand you don't want to "out" yourself by saying your city, but it seems like there are other posters who are familiar with your husband's industry, and there are probably some familiar with your area. They might well be able to offer good advice on where he could look for another job and where you could find cheaper housing. You might well consider giving at least a general area.

Sarahschuster · 17/02/2014 16:22

Oh this really is utter bollocks. You really need to tell s in what area of the country nobody uses the term "rent" for, errr, RENT. You seem to completely misunderstand what a colloquialism is. It isn't the substitution of a word with a completely different meaning. As a poster up thread said, daft or deceptive. Leaning towards the latter.

Roussette · 17/02/2014 16:22

Namedchanged you don't sound at all grateful! You sound peeved, put out, irritated and entitled. If I had received that amount of money every single month for years from my PIL, I would be ringing him every single month thanking him and saying to him that he really doesn't have to do this, and I would be finding ways to stop him doing it. Just because someone is old it doesn't mean they don't need their money. Perhaps they are thinking of the future, nursing homes and cash running out, who knows... I could not bear to be beholden to someone like that.

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 16:22

Well, we do think he is tight and I won't apologise for it.

He earns a load of money and treats himself all the time, brand new things, expensive trips with friends, golf club membership, top of the range bike.. but makes MIL shop in primark for her clothes, never buys anyone anything and won't take her on holiday.

So yeah, we think he is tight. Sorry.

OP posts:
IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 17/02/2014 16:23

sarah are you able to grasp even in the tinest part, why op and her dh are upset here....

Sarahschuster · 17/02/2014 16:24

And are you able to grasp that what she has posted just doesn't add up at all?

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 16:25

sarah I know what a colloquialism is.

Amongst my peer group, we all say mortgage. Only 2 of us are renters, and it just seems to be the common terminology we all use when discussing our monthly property payment. We all use the word mortgage. No one corrects and says 'actually mine is just rent', we just use the word.

I don't know why this is odd, but I appreciate it is and I have apologised.

OP posts:
oidoyoumind · 17/02/2014 16:25

You haven't said what line of work you are in OP for such low pay and how you can be MNetting all afternoon when you should have been working presumably?

ViviPru · 17/02/2014 16:25

Ok fair dues, I'll climb off my mortgage/rent soapbox, but yes, let it be known, that is weird.

Without question you're in a shit situation OP. Whether through your own foolishness or genuine naïvety, that's all as maybe now, but it's time to exercise damage limitation. Please, if you can, fine-comb this thread for some excellent practical advice and fingers crossed you manage to resolve your circumstances.

exhaustedmummymoo · 17/02/2014 16:26

Oh OP if your story in genuine and your not making fools of us all, then bloody hell women good on you for coping as well as you are. Course you hubby is upset, but tell him to not make enemies with his father, coz whatever you guys may think of his dad, his poor mum is going to feel pulled between her son and hubby and that's crap for her. Gawd good luck with birth, and yes you my cope on no sleep, but its not sustainable and chick something will give, honestly you are really are in for a rough road, coz what about BF? Formular is frigging expensive but lord knows how you'll manage to produce enough milk if you are working all the hours godsends. Good luck OP

georgedawes · 17/02/2014 16:26

Indeed Sarah.

HarderToKidnap · 17/02/2014 16:27

Problem is OP if you don't do SOMETHING, you will go bankrupt and your DH won't ever be able to work as an accountant. So far you can't move, you can't claim any TC (why?), your H can't do another job, etc etc. I suspect you could do some of those things but you're stuck in the mindset that you shouldn't have to because FIL should still be giving you your "wage".

You need to sit down tonight or tomorrow, with a spreadsheet and all your latest bills and do the sums. And then figure out whether you're going to move, to start claiming some benefits, or whether you're able to budget to stay in your home until DH has trained. You're sounding a bit wishy washy on this thread (I've noticed people supported by their parents often do, tbh, they become a bit passive and never really take life by the horns). So pack that in and take charge of your own life.

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 16:27

steff honestly, we have had loads of advice, mostly from people who are already qualified, including DH's mentor who have said he is going down the right path.

OP posts:
nauticant · 17/02/2014 16:27

This business about a place where everyone uses the word mortgage to refer to rent must surely narrow down the location a fair bit.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/02/2014 16:27

Well I think the fact he is financially abusing your MIL is a terrible thing actually.

SuperScrimper · 17/02/2014 16:27

Because its like saying 'I live on a house' when you live in a flat. It makes you either seem a little bit pathetic or is a way of covering up your true situation.

SuperScrimper · 17/02/2014 16:28

In a house

Bowlersarm · 17/02/2014 16:28

Not quite the relevance of the thread, but it is odd to call your rent, your mortgage.

A bit like calling your son your daughter say, or your Ford car, your BMW. Very puzzling.