PIL Issue. Need some perspective.

[NameChangedForPILissue]

NC'd for obvious reasons.

PIL are very well off. Rich enough that MIL doesn't and has never worked. FIL earns a huge amount, and is unbelievably tight with it too (refuses to update 25 year old kitchen, 30 year old bathroom, won't buy MIL a new car even though hers is verging on dangerous, won't spend more than £10 per GC at christmas etc).

They are set to become millionaires with some inheritance that is probably due to come in the next year or two. For now they live on their £200k+ a year income with very little expenditure.

For the past 8 years, they have given us money every month to help with our living expenses. It began when DH was at university, before we met, and was the standard parents helping out a child at uni situation. DH always worked PT to top this up.

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process. This means he is earning low for now as he is studying whilst working so is essentially unskilled. In around 2 years, we hope he will be on a good salary. I am also on a relatively low wage.

We've been married since 2010, and since then they've given us £500 a month to help us out. Obviously, this is very generous and e appreciate this. SIL has had the same.

SIL no longer needs this, as her and her husband have now got high flying careers (lawyer and pilot) and no children, and do FIL has decided to stop all our payments.

We've just moved into a new home, and have a baby due in a few weeks. The timing could not be worse.

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again. I don't know what to do - is he being selfish and awful? Or is it his money and we should be grateful for what we've had up until now?

Im not having a go at you OP but you are living in cloud cuckoo land by planning on going back to work when you're baby is 3 weeks old, it might be manageable if you worked part time but to work all day and then mist of the night and then weekends is madness! You finish at 1am and when do you get home? You will have a new baby to feed and then you're due back at work at 9am, its mad! Your DH also works all day and studies all night, both of you need sleep and that's even without a new baby! If you're going to work condensed hours to get Fridays off what will your new hours be?

I did it before, I am not in cloud cuckoo land, thanks. Needs must, sadly. I know it isn't ideal but it is our life.

walter I couldn't be less jealous or bitter about SIL. We are very close - I love her.

You have to remember though - they gave her money and both she and her DH went on to become self-sustaining and successful.
And I am very proud of them both. They both trained in vocations which sadly, my DH and I did not do. They also have no children.

They gave you money and you got pregnant again and moved to a flat you can't afford. This is horrid.
They gave DH money (and me by association) for the duration of him studying. I didn't 'get pregnant again', FGS. I got pregnant 8 years after the first time. It's hardly like I am dropping babies all over the place.

Your dh can't be on minimum wage while at the same time being put through Uni and professional quals. That makes no sense.

Your story is so full of inconsistencies I am still calling troll.

Something doesn't add up. Ironic as its all about £

I think the point is that even without the £500 you were likely to run into financial difficulties with that rent, especially if you have any childcare costs, difficulty working long hours when pregnant/immediately after baby and so on. It's totally unsustainable on a min wage plus some extras.

I would go online to a benefits calculator and see whether you would be better off giving up work, you are probably at the top of the current limit for any help, so getting nothing, but not earning enough to sustain your rent and car and things like that (although insurance is huge, I had an accident last year and mine is still half of that).

If you took out the £500 off the rent then you would still have had to find £850 a month for rent which is pretty steep given you are both on min wages.

I would aso go to the CAB and get advice on breaking your lease- they cannot force you to go beyond 6 months in the UK even if the face value of the contract is longer, there's always a break clause or should be one at 6 months and if there isn't, it isn't legally valid. My landlord gives me a year contract but knows if I want to break at 6 months, then there's nothing they can do about it.

This is a nasty shock, but I don't think the PIl are being unreasonable, they don't have a new car or a new kitchen and probably are a bit fed up of subsidising you, although I don't think they were morally wrong to do so and wouldn't judge you for taking the money when it was offered, it was a lovely thing to do, but it has stopped now and there's nothing you can do about that.

Yes, but you're the mother.

God forbid, what happens if something happens to your baby whilst in her care? You'd never forgive yourself. Think about it. A 6 week old baby. It's not feasible. None of this is feasible. Getting in at 1am, and then what, having no sleep due to having a newborn, and then you getting up for the school run (I'm presuming) and then to work for 9am.

Can you not move in with your parents? And I said upthread, if you don't pay your rent, you'll just get evicted. Perfect. That's you out of the 18 month contract then.

I have done a bit of number crunching and you should have about £600 left over every month once taking into account all the costs you put earlier up the thread. That needs to cover petrol, bills and food, plus clothes etc for the kids. You'll get another £80 a month when baby is here.

It's not AMAZING. But it's doable. Have you looks on money savings expert to see how to cut your expenses down to the bone? And it's only for 2 years.

I agree you need to look in to giving up some of your jobs. If you quit your day job and keep on the evenings and weekends then you can get rid of your childcare costs. You may then be entitled to HB, WTC etc. Has your H seen if he can get a carer development loan?

I did it before, I am not in cloud cuckoo land, thanks. Needs must, sadly. I know it isn't ideal but it is our life.- ok so the rest of us that struggle with only one full-time job and looking after the children are slackers then are we? I think you would have collapsed with exhaustion keeping up this routine, and if you haven't already, certainly will when you throw a toddler and a tiny baby who isn't sleeping into the mix. This is not sustainable long-term and without being horrible, you would be better served dropping some of these small jobs and claiming tax credits- they are there to top up low wages and you are low waged.

We wouldn't use the children as a weapon. Don't be awful.

Nor would we stop seeing MIL just because we stopped seeing FIL.

DH just doesn't want to see him just now and is angry and upset.

please do see the CAB for housing/rental advice

I can see that you've had a good kicking so am not going to add to that

Something else that doesn't add up at all to me.

You said you married 4 years ago and your PIL supported your husband through uni for 4 years before that yet he, not you, has an adopted son.

How is that even possible?

I can't believe just how unpleasant some of the posters are being after the op has agreed they are being unreasonable.

They are hurt because they were promised something, op has said they won't cut contact etc. etc.

I think people should let this thread die and if op wants practical help perhaps she start a new one.

I can think of expensive cities in this country where wages are low - London is not unique!!!

Good luck OP, hope the birth goes really well.

Have you been on the tax credits website and done projections about income/entitlement if you dropped one or two jobs? Would you still need a car if you dropped/reduced hours?

Ah, unless he adopted your son- sorry

OP, you said a few pages back that you "live in a cheap area" and "can't move anywhere smaller". Also

"There is no cheaper rental available in our city."
Also
" Itis the UK, it is very expensive and no, we couldn't find a cheaper rental".

When repeatedly asked how this could possibly be true, you've directly contradicted yourself by saying "george I have said already, it isn't the cheapest rent in the whole city, of course not. We could have found a cheaper area further out. BUT we didn't as we thought our income included this money"

You said
"we just signed a lease, so can't move for 18 months anyway." Which IS an unusual rental term.
You said you had a mortgage, and then said that was just a "turn of phrase" for rent...

Your salary figure don't add up.

Can you see why this looks like quite a bit of bullshit?

Tallest that's an interesting point about it not being legally valid. OP definintely look into that!

I am completely boggled by the fact you can't find a two bed for less than 1350. I get you live in an expensive city, but there has to be something.

You really are coming across as petulant and stroppy now OP

I think op has done really well in the face of the bitter harridan backlash agaisnt her.

You said almost three hours ago that you were at work and shouldn't be on MN but needed the advice and you've been on ever since.

You can't afford to lose this job!.

I don't have a toddler though? I have an 8 year old.

Please, don't patronise me. I have coped before on little sleep, and I will again. Because I have to.

We aren't entitled to tax credits, stop suggesting it. Please.

purple
God forbid, what happens if something happens to your baby whilst in her care? You'd never forgive yourself.

This is an awful thing to say - basically slating all working mothers? God forbid anything happen to any child. Should mothers just not work then, so they can 'forgive themselves' if something happens to their child?

The baby will be just fine with my friend, who is an excellent person, and parent. She is a teacher and has 2 children of her own. And she will have her and my baby, no different to having twins. Her choice. We accepted. We did a similar thing for her oldest years ago, when she was at uni training to become a teacher.

Random because some posters can't help but be cunts, just like to keep picking away.

OP, You said you wished you had done things differently now. What do you wish you had done differently? This may be a starting point.

How old are you and DP?

I think a lot of the replies on here are incredibly harsh. I suspect you live in London, and the figures you give sound totally realistic. We live in a small 2 bedroomed terrace in an unfashionable and pretty rough part of London. You could squeeze in with 2 kids, but it would be a squeeze. To rent our house would cost £1500 a month, which is crazy, but that's London. None of the areas around us are significantly cheaper and most are much, much more expensive. We used to own a 5 year old small, unfashionable car. It cost over £1,000 to insure it for one experienced driver with maximum no claims, and that was 2 years ago (yes, we did shop around - the first quote we got was closer to £2k). I think everyone making comments about how you must live in a mansion are massively wide of the mark, and cannot possibly live in the south east.

In terms of the OP and her husband being massively 'entitled', well aren't we all to some extent? I rely on a certain amount of free childcare from my mum, freely, willingly and happily given. Life would be significantly harder without it. I wouldn't dream of describing someone who had relied upon receiving a certain amount in benefits as 'entitled', and I would be enormously sympathetic if they were stressed and upset about seeing their income reduced by £500 p.m. arbitrarily just before they were due to have a second child. OP and her husband both work hard, they are trying to build towards a good future from their family. Accepting what is - in the context of PIL's income (which is not far shy of £9k per month before tax, with no major outgoings) - really not a particularly large amount of money, which had been willingly offered and has helped them work towards securing that future doesn't seem particularly 'entitled' to me.

OP, I think you should approach PIL and ask very nicely for the £500 a month to be considered a loan until your DH has qualified. You should then have a higher income and at least one of your children will be receiving a government childcare grant, so you should be able to stop relying on PIL's money and start paying it back. If that's not an option, I think reducing your hours and - I hope - receiving WTC and CTC should hopefully get you through. Good luck.

You actually said there was nowhere cheaper to rent in your city, but have decided to backtrack when faced with how implausible that is.

Your situation is completely untenable, if your figures are correct there is no way you can stay in your flat.

I'm not backtracking.

We couldn't find anything cheaper in the area we live in.

We could have moved to a different part of the city, but we didn't because we didn't realise we wouldn't be getting this money anymore.

Sorry that hasn't been clear. I am trying to type fast and answer everything on this fast moving thread.

Try reading the thread, apple. The OP has said she doesn't live in London. She said it was utterly impossible to find somewhere for less, and then said completely the opposite.

FIL has been incredibly generous, but stopping the financial support so suddenly and without warning seems a strange thing to do. Could he be upset with dh for some reason?

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM

'I think op has done really well in the face of the bitter harridan backlash agaisnt her', hang on you were calling her a leech and a cow on page 1.

You were one of the harridans!