PIL Issue. Need some perspective.

[NameChangedForPILissue]

NC'd for obvious reasons.

PIL are very well off. Rich enough that MIL doesn't and has never worked. FIL earns a huge amount, and is unbelievably tight with it too (refuses to update 25 year old kitchen, 30 year old bathroom, won't buy MIL a new car even though hers is verging on dangerous, won't spend more than £10 per GC at christmas etc).

They are set to become millionaires with some inheritance that is probably due to come in the next year or two. For now they live on their £200k+ a year income with very little expenditure.

For the past 8 years, they have given us money every month to help with our living expenses. It began when DH was at university, before we met, and was the standard parents helping out a child at uni situation. DH always worked PT to top this up.

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process. This means he is earning low for now as he is studying whilst working so is essentially unskilled. In around 2 years, we hope he will be on a good salary. I am also on a relatively low wage.

We've been married since 2010, and since then they've given us £500 a month to help us out. Obviously, this is very generous and e appreciate this. SIL has had the same.

SIL no longer needs this, as her and her husband have now got high flying careers (lawyer and pilot) and no children, and do FIL has decided to stop all our payments.

We've just moved into a new home, and have a baby due in a few weeks. The timing could not be worse.

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again. I don't know what to do - is he being selfish and awful? Or is it his money and we should be grateful for what we've had up until now?

My BIL was 'working really hard' too, trying for 20 years to make a success of his own venture run from the house his parents rented for him in London. Unfortunately it was totally financially unviable. There was no business plan and he and my SIL both unable to grasp basics of running a business so each month it made a loss. Success was always just around the corner though.

and I did say that the situations were not the same. The relevance is in the idea that it is easy not to make ends meet oneself if you don't have to.

So why not answer about where you live? You said several times that your flat was the cheapest you could find, but now seem to be backtracking.

Hmmm I can see why you're a bit upset as G
FIL reneged on a commitment and you made plans you can't support based on this. I do think your DH was U to expect them to help after he already had a first degree but many other people do get parental help. Fwiw, I'd explain the rental problem to FIL and see if MIL can help you save money on childcare. It does sound like you both work very hard to me, so not the worst case of advantage taking I've seen. You have to be able to find cheaper rent than 1350 in a uk city. you have too high expectations of life if you can't.

Sorry my last comment in answer to I'dRather

OP, the basic details in your posts, don't add up.

I assume (not my field) that if yours husbands exams are in chartered banking and are being paid for by his employer, he must work for a bank.

Banks do not pay trainees minimum wage.

If you disclose the same details to your PIL as you have on here then I can completely see why they think they are wasting their money. Your husband isn't going to walk into a really well paid job from a £11k a year one.

Also, if we didn't need the £500 we wouldn't have taken it, and we would never have taken on this job/training for DH.

We wouldn't have done this.

I wish now that we hadn't. Reading all this, we obviously should never have taken it.

I thought it was okay, because really it's the same as inheritance, it's just money from your parents. My SIL was given her house as a gift from the PIL. I didn't think this was wrong either, but now I am realising that was wrong too.

Not sure how giving a general location could out you. I suspect the reason you won't give it is because there is nowhere in the UK where you can't rent a 2 bed property for less than 1350 other than central London.

Well, I'd imagine you would have already outed yourself given the amount of detail you've posted, not sure naming the city will make much of a difference to be fair. Your not doing yourself any favours here.

Denny, presumably the FIL believed that the money was to assist through studying. The son amd DIL instead chose to use it to have another child and move house to somewhere outside their wage limit. Not hard to say why FIL may be cross or perhaps believe they can stand on their own two feet.

The OP and DH need to figure out how to up their income and ensure it pays the rent, expenses and childcare like other adults do.

If the DH already has a degree then finding a job that pays more than £11k wont be hard, you can earn that much in retail with no qualifications.

X-post with Sarahschuster!

Xpost. If you're going to insist that 1350 is the cheapest rent in your city you must understand why people will ask where on earth you live. It's not an 'irrelevant' detail, it's a colossal figure and yet you want us all to accept you have no choice but to pay it.

The only way you can get by is to reduce your housing costs.

I know you've given your annual gross salaries, but do you know what your monthly take home pay is? Maybe if you posted that and all of your expenses, we could help find places you could cut.

Maybe you are right happy and FIL thinks we are spending his money on the baby instead of studies?

That's a shame if he does, as DH is still studying.

Anyway, thanks for all the comments. I understand we have BU and come across here as spoilt and entitled. I am so sorry for this, as it isn't the case.

I wanted perspective and I have it. We should never have accepted help from parents. It was a mistake.

george I have said already, it isn't the cheapest rent in the whole city, of course not. We could have found a cheaper area further out. BUT we didn't as we thought our income included this money.

We have now signed a lease for 18 months, only last month.

We could have got a one bedroom.
We could have moved further out.

It is too late. We have made a huge mistake.

Well, if you can't afford to lose the £500 now, you're going to be up shit creek once you need to pay out 2 days a week childcare as well...that's a quick £400 up North (and I'm presuming you're down south?)

Your DH has to stop what he's doing and get a better paid job. End of.

You need to pack in most of your jobs and claim tax credits off the one remaining one. I would also suggest just going part time. It will bring you up to a min living wage standard.

You have to move. You have no choice.

Life is crap at times. No, it's not fair. But it's the way that it is. Sorry, but you can't continue with your original plans.

And really? Your friend is going to look after your 6 week old baby? For free? Is she qualified? Does she have first aid knowledge? Pretty sure I wouldn't leave my 6 week old baby with a friend.

This whole situation just doesn't sit right.

Refusal to name general area, fine. But the amount of details that don't add up as well as that....I'm sorry, I just don't feel this is the full story.

You're either being deceptive or daft. I just can't figure out which.

The son amd DIL instead chose to use it to have another child and move house to somewhere outside their wage limit

They didnt choose....she fell pregant

Im not having a go at you OP but you are living in cloud cuckoo land by planning on going back to work when you're baby is 3 weeks old, it might be manageable if you worked part time but to work all day and then mist of the night and then weekends is madness! You finish at 1am and when do you get home? You will have a new baby to feed and then you're due back at work at 9am, its mad! Your DH also works all day and studies all night, both of you need sleep and that's even without a new baby! If you're going to work condensed hours to get Fridays off what will your new hours be?

I could be wrong, you seem a little bitter/jealous about SIL.

You have to remember though - they gave her money and both she and her DH went on to become self-sustaining and successful.

They gave you money and you got pregnant again and moved to a flat you can't afford.

Those are the material facts. Would you blame him for thinking this is something that is never ending?!

You really are coming across as petulant and stroppy now OP. No one has said it was a mistake to have ever accepted any money at all, only that you shouldn't have counted on it continuing when you decided to move/ increase your family.

If you go to your PIL with your 'it was a mistake to have ever accepted anything from you' attitude- don't be surprised if they ask for it all back!

purple no she isn't qualified? Nor am I! She is a mother, which is as qualified to care for a child as I am.

I am surprised that someone so controlling so freely gave £1000 per moth to his offspring. If he controls his wife so stringently I am surprised he didn't want your outgoings in minute detail. Yes it's a crappy situation but OP I am finding your story sound more and more unbelievable and things are not really adding up (no pun intended!) I thought the law meant a women couldn't go back to work for 6 weeks after giving birth? Or are you currently on mat leave? Also you must be knackered to work day and night and have a small child to care for, seriously when do you sleep? And your pregnant and about to drop, wow you must be seriously fit to cope!
As for your poor MIL, does you DH realise if he stops his parents from seeing their grandchild, he is punishing his mother, who is completely innocent in all of this?

What about you up-skilling to do fewer hours for more money? You are doing a lot of work for low pay, can you take admin or IT courses to get something that pays better?

So FIL is punishing them for having another baby and moving house? How does taking away the money and forcing his son to stop training so he can get a different job help in them stand on their own two feet in the long run? Two more years and they would have been able to stand on their own two feet.

I don't understand how it is spoilt to expect your parents to carry on helping you like they said they would. Why would you think your parents would change their mind or not really mean it?

It not wrong to take money off people of it's offered, it's wrong to have a tantrum when it's not there anymore. And it's wrong to use children as weapons.