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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL Issue. Need some perspective.

999 replies

NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 12:42

NC'd for obvious reasons.

PIL are very well off. Rich enough that MIL doesn't and has never worked. FIL earns a huge amount, and is unbelievably tight with it too (refuses to update 25 year old kitchen, 30 year old bathroom, won't buy MIL a new car even though hers is verging on dangerous, won't spend more than £10 per GC at christmas etc).

They are set to become millionaires with some inheritance that is probably due to come in the next year or two. For now they live on their £200k+ a year income with very little expenditure.

For the past 8 years, they have given us money every month to help with our living expenses. It began when DH was at university, before we met, and was the standard parents helping out a child at uni situation. DH always worked PT to top this up.

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process. This means he is earning low for now as he is studying whilst working so is essentially unskilled. In around 2 years, we hope he will be on a good salary. I am also on a relatively low wage.

We've been married since 2010, and since then they've given us £500 a month to help us out. Obviously, this is very generous and e appreciate this. SIL has had the same.

SIL no longer needs this, as her and her husband have now got high flying careers (lawyer and pilot) and no children, and do FIL has decided to stop all our payments.

We've just moved into a new home, and have a baby due in a few weeks. The timing could not be worse.

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again. I don't know what to do - is he being selfish and awful? Or is it his money and we should be grateful for what we've had up until now?

OP posts:
temporarilyjerry · 17/02/2014 15:24

Whether or not UABU, your FIL is BU. Your DH is right - who does that to his own DS. I hope you find a solution to this, OP.

waltermittymissus · 17/02/2014 15:24

OP there has to be somewhere cheaper to rent. There has to be.

Have you even looked??

Look, for now you leave the DH/PIL issue alone. You need to concentrate on the logistics and on feasible ways to keep your head above water.

Florizel · 17/02/2014 15:27

I think you are my ex-SIL!! We had a hideous family holiday once at a time when she and BIL were furious because PIL wouldn't spring for a deposit on a house 'so they could stop wasting money on rent'. Guess who paid the rent?

HappyMummyOfOne · 17/02/2014 15:28

"purple my friend will very kindly be helping with childcare two days a week. I will be working condensed hours so have Fridays off"

Presumably you'll be paying her though? Two days a week every week is an awful lot to expect but given your views you probably dont see anything wrong with that.

I suppose at least you aren't expecting the PILs to do the childcare as well Hmm

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 15:28

walter we just moved last month. We looked, and looked. We don't live in a particularly nice area, but it isn't bad, and we could have moved somewhere less nice.

But we were under the impression PIL were going to continue to help support us whilst DH studied. It is a 2 year course, paid for through his work and done on the job, so over 4 years. It's not a degree but degree equivalent. He's halfway through.

If PIL had just warned us this support might stop, we'd have moved somewhere cheaper or made do with a one bedroom.

OP posts:
Reincarnatedpig · 17/02/2014 15:29

Can your DH ask FIL to carry on with the £500 and perhaps reduce his inheritance from his parents in the future. Or else treat it as a loan? The £500 gift won't reduce entitlement to tax credits by the way.

Poor MIL as well, FIL sounds bloody abusive. Can the sister talk to him or will he listen to no-one?

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 15:30

happy no, we aren't paying her. She is my friend, and will be on maternity leave for a year so is happy to help. I don''t 'expect' it, but she offered and we did a similar thing for her when she had her first child and I only worked nights.

OP posts:
neverthebride · 17/02/2014 15:30

Would that £500 a month have been enough anyway when you have a new baby and go back to work and therefore need more childcare?.

I understand you were 'banking' on that money but don't understand how you'd be surviving even if you continued to get it?.

pumpkinsweetie · 17/02/2014 15:30

I can see why you are upset considering the time in which he has decided to do this, is rather shitty if you ask me. But casting that aside, you and your dh should have never relied on this gift as a regular income so now the only thing you can do is think of ways of getting out of this mess.

Valpollicella · 17/02/2014 15:31

Woah. Condensed week?

OP you're going to be working hideous hours if that's the case, if you will be going back to doing all 3 jobs after the baby is born.

I would really suggest dropping one of them when the new baby come along, you'll wreck yourself with exhaustion trying to fit another 7 hours of work into 4 days, plus your evening job, plus your weekend work

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 15:31

Yeah, we do feel for MIL.

He gives her an allowance every month, and won't let her buy anything without his consent. Even the weekly shopping budget is controlled.

He is a very controlling man. And no, he wouldn't listen to SIL.

OP posts:
Hippymama · 17/02/2014 15:31

You're getting a pasting on this thread op and I feel sorry for you with the situation in which you have found yourself.

The handout from your pil was very generous but has now stopped. There's nothing you can do about that so you're going to have to cope with the circumstances you now find yourself in. No point going on about it as that money is no longer available.

I am struggling slightly to understand that there are no cheaper properties in the area in which you live as if your wages are minimum wage then there must be properties available in which other people who earn minimum wage live?

Taking three weeks maternity leave is unrealistic IMO. What happens if you need a c-section or there are complications with the birth? I am currently pregnant with my second baby and remember with my first that I felt physically unwell for much longer than three weeks after his birth (forceps delivery).

I think that working three jobs in the long term is completely unsustainable, as is living in a two bedroom flat that costs £1350 a month! You simply cannot afford to live where you do on the wages you earn and working the hours you are doing at the moment you will not be able to sustain in later pregnancy, or with a newborn baby. Something has got to give.

You will find that if you worked one of the full time jobs you would actually qualify for tax credits. I think the real issue though is your rent. You cannot afford it :( I really think you need to go the CAB to find out your options for getting out of your rental contract as you will not be able to pay it on your income and will end up getting evicted :(

Bearbehind · 17/02/2014 15:32

What is your husbands course OP? Accountancy qualifications (professional ones) are modules- not 2 year courses?

And please can you explain why he is on minimum wage in an expensive location?

TBH, I can see even more now why your PIL have withdrawn their money- on the face of it your story makes no sense at all.

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 15:33

We were planning to drop the weekend work for a while once the baby came. But DH will have to take this over, and I will take over some of the housework stuff I guess.

OP posts:
Cravey · 17/02/2014 15:33

But op that's the point. You moved because you assumed the handouts were going to continue. Why would you assume that ? You are an adult. Take responsibility for your actions. Sort your finances out yourself. You really are coming across and spoiled and not very nice.

DennyDifferent · 17/02/2014 15:33

I understand why your DH is upset. The point of the money was to help you get to a point where you would be financially independent but now he has just stopped without warning. I understand why that would be so upsetting. If your FIL hadn't been giving you the money DH wouldn't be studying I imagine, you are in the situation because when FIL offered the money you had no reason to believe he would do this. It must be really hard for DH to understand how his dad could do this knowing the strain it will put you both under, especially when its no skin off his nose to keep up the payments. Obviously you are not entitled to this money and it is FIL's to do with as he wishes, but he wished for your DH to be able to study and he showed his approval of that plan by giving you the money. Now he has dropped you in it more than if he's never given you it in the first place. I really feel for you OP, I would feel exactly the same way in your situation. Its so sad that some people on here are so furious with you. I don't understand how they can be so nasty. I hope you can sift through and find the kind, good advice amongst the vitriol.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 17/02/2014 15:34

florzil

how is your story relavant to ops how is her DH not growing up, by the sounds of it he is working really hard...

nennypops · 17/02/2014 15:35

OP, you seem to be avoiding questions about why dh is on such a low wage?

TidyDancer · 17/02/2014 15:35

This really doesn't add up.

I think maybe you're getting your sums massively wrong.

I've asked a couple of times already but could you let us know where you live? And other posters have asked questions about your DH's job that you haven't addressed yet, not sure if you saw those.

HappyMummyOfOne · 17/02/2014 15:35

"Can your DH ask FIL to carry on with the £500 and perhaps reduce his inheritance from his parents in the future."

Given the amount of support given and the lack of appreciation, maybe FIL will leave it all to a cats home Grin or spend it all rather than bankroll his ungrateful adult children anymore. He may, of course, spend it all on decent care in old age as it doesnt sound like his son will be caring for him.

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 15:35

His qualifications are in chartered banking.

I can't explain why he is on a low wage, no Hmm He just is.

My story doesn't make 'no sense at all', I haven't given every single last detail because a) it's irrelevant and b) I don't want to out myself.

OP posts:
nauticant · 17/02/2014 15:36

So roughly where are you OP?

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 15:37

I am so upset that I am coming across spoilt and entitled.

I should just stop.

We are just upset that something PIL promised has now ended, abruptly, without warning and has left us in the shit. But I realise we are wrong and this is just something we should never have even accepted.

I wish we could go back in time.

OP posts:
DennyDifferent · 17/02/2014 15:38

Cravey I don't think the OP is coming across as not very nice. If they could have budgeted without including the £500, they wouldn't have needed the £500, but they did so DH could train. FIL said that they could continue to have the £500 until DH training had finished, why would they assume he didn't mean it, when he had been so generous for so long?

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 15:38

I am purposefully ignoring the questions about our specific location, please stop asking. I am not willing to give specifics like that as it could out me.

This is a sensitive situation and I know people in RL on MN. So please, I won't say so stop asking.

It is a very expensive city, that is all.

OP posts:
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