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Original poster

PIL Issue. Need some perspective.

999 replies

NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 12:42

NC'd for obvious reasons.

PIL are very well off. Rich enough that MIL doesn't and has never worked. FIL earns a huge amount, and is unbelievably tight with it too (refuses to update 25 year old kitchen, 30 year old bathroom, won't buy MIL a new car even though hers is verging on dangerous, won't spend more than £10 per GC at christmas etc).

They are set to become millionaires with some inheritance that is probably due to come in the next year or two. For now they live on their £200k+ a year income with very little expenditure.

For the past 8 years, they have given us money every month to help with our living expenses. It began when DH was at university, before we met, and was the standard parents helping out a child at uni situation. DH always worked PT to top this up.

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process. This means he is earning low for now as he is studying whilst working so is essentially unskilled. In around 2 years, we hope he will be on a good salary. I am also on a relatively low wage.

We've been married since 2010, and since then they've given us £500 a month to help us out. Obviously, this is very generous and e appreciate this. SIL has had the same.

SIL no longer needs this, as her and her husband have now got high flying careers (lawyer and pilot) and no children, and do FIL has decided to stop all our payments.

We've just moved into a new home, and have a baby due in a few weeks. The timing could not be worse.

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again. I don't know what to do - is he being selfish and awful? Or is it his money and we should be grateful for what we've had up until now?

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 15:14

Oh, and our car insurance is high as we both only learned to drive 2 years ago. Sorry, someone asked that. It will be renewed in November and hopefully a lot lower.

DH is going to look for another job, he reckons he can get £1-2k a year more than we do now somewhere else, he just can't just now or he will forfeit paternity leave. And we need it as we can't get childcare until the baby is 6 weeks old (I am taking 3 weeks, then he is taking two and then my friend is taking a week off).

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 17/02/2014 15:15

How long left has your husband got in his studies? I.e for how much longer do you expect his parents to give you £500 a month?

LaurieFairyCake · 17/02/2014 15:15

I think it's clear that your PIL have been getting more and more pissed off and not told you.

They've now decided theyre in a position they don't want to continue with very suddenly.

Unfortunately you're the recipient of this 'not talking about it'.

Writerwannabe83 · 17/02/2014 15:16

And when is baby due??

Chippednailvarnish · 17/02/2014 15:16

I've already mention this Tattie to no response..

CoffeeTea103 · 17/02/2014 15:16

Tbh I think both of you have to be most entitled people I've heard of. So you basically live your lives based on this generous amount. You brought children into this world based on the money you received from him. And now considering to cut him off because he chooses not to fund your lifestyles? Sorry but you whole heartedly deserve the position you're in. How bloody cheeky and entitled are you bothShock. Well now is a great lesson you will learn, being responsible and grateful adults!

alwaysneedaholiday · 17/02/2014 15:16

How long does your DH have left until he completes his qualifications?

Is it a matter of a few months?

Has he taken longer over it than necessary?

I'm asking as I think Florizel makes a good point about your FIL deciding that you are never going to stand on your own feet if he continues to support you.

MaxsMummy2012 · 17/02/2014 15:16

"I'm just not sure how to maintain the relationship with PIL after this. It's not going to be easy, whatever anyone thinks about them giving us the money, they have just stopped with no warning, putting us in absolutel financial dire straits."

Wow! You really cannot accept responsibility for your situation can you?! The only people who have got themselves in this mess is you and you dh. Regardless of them giving you money you should not have relied upon it to subsidise your lifestyle! You should have saved that money for emergencies or better yet not taken in the first place and you certainly shouldn't have treated it as an income - it was a gift which you should have expected to be stopped at any point! The fact you state that you are not sure how to maintain a relationship now just sums you up - they have been over and above nice to you and your dh and have given you a shed load of cash and you just sound so unbelievably ungrateful (despite your claims to the contrary). I'm truly gobsmacked by some of the things you are saying.

purplebaubles · 17/02/2014 15:16

I would imagine that your FIL isn't aware that you have used his £500 as part of your 'income' and base everything you can afford on that £500. Why would you sign a lease based on money that you can't guarantee? A gift essentially?

Just for comparison, my DH needs to spend £1000 on taking some exams so he can better his financial position and we can make a better future. At the minute, we just don't have that £1000. So he can't. End of. You do what you can do at the time. Right now, your DH needs to just find a job that earns more than £11k (which if he has a degree and some initiative he should easily be able to do) and you need to just pay for now. He can always resume to plan a. once you are back on your feet living within your own means.

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 15:17

Yeah, I actually earned more 10 years ago than I do now as well.

Frustrating.

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 17/02/2014 15:17

I'm sorry but workiing 9-5 office hours, then doing the house bits with a child isn't something amazing as you make out. Its what thousands of parents do! He also cant be that "loving" if he has spat his dummy out and considering cutting his dad from his life after all the support just because he cant use him as a cashpoint anymore.

Perhaps this will be the making of him and he will see that adults need to pay their own expensives and that children come with financial obligations.

ViviPru · 17/02/2014 15:17

obviously we are being really selfish and entitled.

I don't think that, and I also sympathise that it's a bit of a rug being pulled. But I suspect that people are being incredulous because they are shocked you have made such enormous financial commitments (long-term expensive lease, growing your family) given your own income and expenditure without first confirming whether the financial support you've been relying on is set to continue.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 17/02/2014 15:17

Many people don't get financial assistance from their family, but many do - even if it is free childcare

v good point.

Cranky01 · 17/02/2014 15:17

I feel a bit sorry for you, renting is shit, expensive with nothing really to show for it at the end of the day.

Lossing £500 a month is massive particulary without ant warning, and tbh if be pissed off. Of course it's your fil money and he can do what he likes ( and has done) but as a family you are now up shit creek.

Money, particulary lack of it is so stressful, you can only do what you can do.

You can't move or work more.

So the opinions are: beg you fil or
Leave your job and hope tax credits are available or
Dp works more.

Fwiw if my pil offered me £500 pet month, I'd take it! Defo wouldn't call him right though

Bearbehind · 17/02/2014 15:18

Looking for another job that only pays £1-2k more won't help if your husbands employers insist he reimburses the cost of any study/ exams they have paid for (which most employers do).

You haven't explained why he is only on minimum wage as a trainee in a hugely expensive part of the country. Is the job even sufficient to allow him to complete the work place element of the qualification?

nennypops · 17/02/2014 15:18

I agree with the person querying why DH is on a wage of only £11K. On a quick look online for information about trainee accountant's wages, the lowest I can find is £15K and the average seems to be around £20K. Can he talk to his employers about being paid a realistic wage, or look for a traineeship somewhere that pays a decent salary?

purplebaubles · 17/02/2014 15:18

What are you doing for childcare once the baby is 6 weeks old? You still haven't explained that one..

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 15:19

I understand what everyone is saying. We are wrong and we are sorry.

We just accepted the money originally as it was a gift from parents which we felt was a better way of being able to allow DH to study, than taking loans, or the alternative was not to study and work in dead end jobs.

We thought, 2 years ago, that this was the right plan. I guess we were wrong.

We accept this is our fault.

Thanks for the comments.

OP posts:
steff13 · 17/02/2014 15:20

What if you have to have a c-section, are you going to be able to go back to work in three weeks? I don't know, I've never had one, but it was my understanding that you would need to be off longer than that.

georgedawes · 17/02/2014 15:21

Where do you live?

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 15:21

purple my friend will very kindly be helping with childcare two days a week. I will be working condensed hours so have Fridays off.

We were going to put the baby in nursery for the other 2 days a week but I actually don't have any idea now what we will do, as we can't afford this.

OP posts:
georgedawes · 17/02/2014 15:22

(sorry to keep asking but op seems to be ignoring the question)

Bearbehind · 17/02/2014 15:23

Along with the one about why her husbands earnings are so low as a trainee accountant georgedawes!

MostWicked · 17/02/2014 15:23

I wonder if your PIL were expecting their support to have paid off by now, rather than being spent on subsidising a high rent.

The figures just don't add up here. You live in an expensive city, but your DH, a trainee accountant, earns 11k? That makes no sense.

I wish you luck, but you should never have taken so much money for so long and it is time you stood on your own feet. How on earth would you ever have managed if they hadn't been supporting you all this time?

HappyMummyOfOne · 17/02/2014 15:23

"he could have done this 3 months ago when we were at the end of our last lease but he has waited until we are a few weeks away from having a baby and just signed a new lease."

What difference would it have made, didnt you say the new rent was cheaper? Or do you mean you would have rented somewhere less "posh" if you had to pay for it alone.

The pair of you are adults, this situation was caused by you not your FIL. You cant seem to see that through the selfishness.