PIL Issue. Need some perspective.

[NameChangedForPILissue]

NC'd for obvious reasons.

PIL are very well off. Rich enough that MIL doesn't and has never worked. FIL earns a huge amount, and is unbelievably tight with it too (refuses to update 25 year old kitchen, 30 year old bathroom, won't buy MIL a new car even though hers is verging on dangerous, won't spend more than £10 per GC at christmas etc).

They are set to become millionaires with some inheritance that is probably due to come in the next year or two. For now they live on their £200k+ a year income with very little expenditure.

For the past 8 years, they have given us money every month to help with our living expenses. It began when DH was at university, before we met, and was the standard parents helping out a child at uni situation. DH always worked PT to top this up.

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process. This means he is earning low for now as he is studying whilst working so is essentially unskilled. In around 2 years, we hope he will be on a good salary. I am also on a relatively low wage.

We've been married since 2010, and since then they've given us £500 a month to help us out. Obviously, this is very generous and e appreciate this. SIL has had the same.

SIL no longer needs this, as her and her husband have now got high flying careers (lawyer and pilot) and no children, and do FIL has decided to stop all our payments.

We've just moved into a new home, and have a baby due in a few weeks. The timing could not be worse.

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again. I don't know what to do - is he being selfish and awful? Or is it his money and we should be grateful for what we've had up until now?

You continue to contradict yourself, OP. You're now saying he doesn't want to cut contact because of the money, but because it didn't turn out to be a non stop bank of mum and dad. However, the upshot of this is, continue giving us money at least till we sayyou can stop, or I don't want to see you any more. Truly a lovely, kind man...

There are plenty of places in Egham for under £1000.

My thoughts too. I suspect a large part the problem is as the OP says "we are tied to the current rent" probably a commitment made on a property at a time when they felt secure in the knowledge of being in receipt of a £500 a month cash injection.

Sticking my neck out, but I suspect there are cheaper alternatives within the area the OP feels tied to, but they are now unable to explore the alternatives due to this binding commitment. Is there really a 20-mile radius anywhere in the UK other than the most salubrious parts of London and small pockets of the home counties or anomalies elsewhere such as Poole or Chester where the absolute cheapest possible 2-bed flat is £1350?

Aside from the fact you have chosen a place too expensive too live in, I do believe FIL was out of order to just stop the money knowing your situation.
Its the sudden stopping it, when he doesnt need to, there is no reason to, and he knows you must have become accustomed to it, thats morally wrong.

he should have given you a warning it would end and drop it slowly by 50 a month or so,for you to you can become accustomed.

I think OP gets the ill feeling towards her.

Are people going to continue to pile on for the sake of it?

Twattishness at mn worst.

OP not sure if you saw the questions, but where do you live?

You can get some decent 2 beds in London for £1000 a month...

That is why DH is is upset and angry. He says he never wants to see him again, because what kind of man would do that to their son.

I think your FIL should have given you some warning. However, to cut off contact over this would be cruel. As to the above, one could also ask what kind of man would live off his father well into adulthood? I don't think your husband is really in a position to be casting aspersions in that regard. It would be better just to accept FIL's decision gracefully, and be grateful for the help you did receive.

At this point, the situation is what it is, you need to figure out what you can do to move forward. The most obvious solution is to move, but if that's truly out of the question, your husband may need to put his studies on hold and get either an additional job or a better-paying first job for the time being.

How can you possibly say hes tight when he has handed out nearly £100,000 to his children in less than 10 years?

Why is your car insurance so high? What do you drive? I can insurance 2 Toyotas and a motorbike for less than £80 pm.

^^ youstayclassy

Another glaring inconsistency in OP's story- she said they only signed their lease last month but gave another 18 months to go.....wtf- who takes out a 19 month lease?

I'd also be surprised if the husband is actually going to attain his accountancy qualifications in a £11k a year job as part of the course includes work place experience.

Your PIL are perfectly entitled to withdraw their funding- you shouldn't have based any decisions on continuing to receive £500 a month 'pocket money' when you are grown ups with your own family.

You need to move, and put DS in a different school, one he can walk to.

Anyway if you don't pay your rent, you'll just get evicted anyway. Isn't this what you want?

Of course you can move. And you should.

Although you have been incredibly lucky to have received the money in the past, I do sympathise that to stop without notice at this time is unfair. Your FIL has undertaken to help support you until your DH has finished his qualifications and has now back-tracked.

I agree with sending a letter to your FIL, laying out all the facts, and be obsequiously grateful. Could you suggest that this payment now becomes a loan, with a proper contract for repayment?

Please, stop calling DH lazy, feckless, etc. He is the most genuine, honest, hardworking, kind, loving man I have ever met. He loves DS as if he were his biological son, and dotes on him and me completely.

He works so bloody hard for us, gets up at 6am every day to walk to work to save money, works 9-5 and then comes home and does all the childcare and housework, before studying all night.

At weekends, he makes me and DS breakfast before taking me to work, then I come home to a cooked meal and a clean house. He studies in the evenings when DS is asleep.

He did two jobs for ages, until he failed an exam and we decided that wasn't working. He does NOT make me work 3 jobs.

I have to defend him, he's had a lot of stick here but everyone is just plain wrong. Sorry, he is wonderful.

I get why the Op is upset.
DH took on his studying, they're having another baby on the understanding that PILs would help support them for the next two years.
No warning and the financial support has gone and they're wondering how they'll manage.
I'd be devastated too.
Presumably DH has talked to his DF. Could he offer him a loan to be paid back with interest when DH qualifies?

Have you applied for council house benefit and council tax benefit, you may entitled to partial help once the baby is born if not now? I live in Surrey and the "average rent" ie what the council accept for 3 bed house is around £1,200n so probably around £1k for a 2 bed property.

Is your dh having to pay back his student loans? Now that his income has decreased perhaps he is elgibile to defer payments for a while? I think it is possible to appeal and get deferment in certain cirumstances?

It's worth trying.

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all your reports, we'll take a look at this thread now, in the meantime can we remind you of our talk guidelines.

Glad to see you will go to CAB OP. They will help where they can.

Alternatively call Shelter. They will be able to advise you on your lease (I think). They don't just deal with homeless situations

I agree with Coola in that FIL thinks you are taking the P by having another child, moving house and studying whilst claiming poverty so that he has to subsidise you for numerous years. There is no way on earth i would have allowed DHs parents to pay for our lives, we have pride and are adults.

There are no accidental pregnancies (how can you have accidental sex!) and contraception methods can be doubled for security. You did choose to have a child as you continued with the pregnancy.

If you cant afford the rent then you need to take advice and try and reduce the rent contract so you can move. Yes the area may not be as nice and your children may have to share a room but thats the reality for many people.

Your DH needs to accept that studying as an adult is a luxury, one he cant afford anymore. He can always return to it if your financial state gets better.

How do you plan to pay for childcare for the baby? If £350 is purely after school care then it will be a whole lot more for a baby.

Stop looking for ways to get your FIL to pay for you and stop making excuses as to why you cant change things. You have no choice, there is no magic wand.

Still not convinced its a wind-up, surely nobody is that spolit and entitled. As for begging by letter and using emotional blackmail, words fail me.

I can't believe people have reported this. Bloody hell.

It's fine, obviously we are being really selfish and entitled. I get it.

I'm just not sure how to maintain the relationship with PIL after this. It's not going to be easy, whatever anyone thinks about them giving us the money, they have just stopped with no warning, putting us in absolutel financial dire straits.

It's a shame. I will take the advice though, and speak to DH and tell him that cutting them off would be the wrong thing to do.

You knew FIL could be weird about money so it is a bit silly not to have built that into you plans. However, he has pulled the (25K) rug out from under your feet quickly.

The fact is that there are only two things you can do with a budget that doesn't balance - more in or less out. You either work more which is impossible, or spend less, which is. I'm sure your LL would rather you went to him, explained the situation and told him that you will end up defaulting on the rent because your income has changed. You don't want to do that so can you mutually end the tenancy? CAB about the income and housing issues and get better paid work rather than more.

Sounds like they are telling you they can't afford it because they are trying to shield you from any potential hurt that might be caused by the real reason.

My guess is they have finally come to the decision that if they keep giving him/you hand-outs, you will never find a way of supporting yourselves. I have a BIL who has been financially supported by PIL all his life (now mid 40s). It has caused huge upset and resentment in his 3 siblings - all of whom have worked extremely hard to make ends meet - because they feel (rationally or irrationally) their parents loved him more. Also now all the family money is gone (partly paying for his unnecessarily vituperative divorce) and there's nothing left to inherit. BIL has always had some 'reason' why he needs the cash but now he's an unemployed divorced alcoholic living in rural isolation with his frail mum and dad.

I'm not saying his story is the same as your situation, clearly it isn't, but I wish my PIL had stopped the flow of money to my poor BIL about 2 decades ago, when he still had a chance to make a decent life for himself. The worst thing about my BIL's story is that he has 2 children who are also suffering because he never had to grow up.

You don't seem to be listening to the very sensible advice on this thread.

And your absolute dire financial straits are all your own making, not you PILs.

Your PIL have been very generous to date. They are well within their rights to stop but I can understand the amount of stress which this will have caused and presumably this post is off the back of a ranty statement by DH.

For what it is worth, I don't think you are being entitled, I just think that you don't sound like you have a good grasp of your finances and that you are naturally upset by the dramatic change in financial circumstances. I doubt I could answer many of these questions myself at work without payslips and supporting docs. Many people don't get financial assistance from their family, but many do - even if it is free childcare so I'm not going to judge. If family were happy to offer financial assistance so I would ultimately be in a more financially secure job then I'd take the money and run.

I am flabbergasted that your DH is in a job providing on the job training to be an accountant which is only paying minimum wage. Perhaps I am living in LaLa land but ultimately he is a part qualified financial professional. That's unbelievably low.

In your position I would suggest that you and DH do the following.

Put together a spreadsheet with your finances so you have a clear view of your commitments
Take the house rental agreement to your PIL and ask for his help in breaking it. It will be clear to him with details of your finances that you cannot survive in your current home.
Beg if you need to - now is not the time to be proud. Agree an end date to the support that your PIL can live with. You two will do far better to demonstrate that you are doing everything in your power to remove your dependency on him.
DH needs to start job hunting to see if he can earn more with another firm while continuing to study. The market is improving, even to have a conversation with his employer about adding a few thousand on or giving him overtime through the tax year end might be worth doing.
Shop around more for car insurance or just go third party and pray. I know that it's extortionate if you pay by the month rather than annually in advance so it is definitely worth shopping around.
Childcare is costing you 350 a month. I think you need to do the maths and establish a) what two children will cost and b) if you give up your day-time job and do the night job /weekend only while DH does childcare, where you net out.
See the benefits office - what would you two receive if you your full maternity allowance and had child benefit on top. Would you get any housing allowance?
You are on minimum wage - what else can you do, particularly with a baby in tow?

Start thinking - difficult when you two are working all the hours that god sends but you need a practical and logical approach. Work through all the options and then, only then beg for support from PIL.

I just don't get why he would think that though?

He knows that DH is studying so hard for these exams, and is progressing through them. He knows there is light at the end of the tunnel for us and we are working towards something, trying to become more financially stable and independent. It's not like he was funding partying and holidays?

But yes, it's his money, his choice. I do think it is sad to do this, he could have done this 3 months ago when we were at the end of our last lease but he has waited until we are a few weeks away from having a baby and just signed a new lease.

I also can't understand how your DH can only be earning £11k pa. What qualification is he studying for? My starting salary in 1996 was £10.5k as a trainee accountant and 2.5 years into my training I was probably earning around £13-£14k. My firm were very low payers at the time but this was 18 years ago and I can't believe a part-qual accountant would be earning such a low wage in such an expensive city.