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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL Issue. Need some perspective.

999 replies

NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 12:42

NC'd for obvious reasons.

PIL are very well off. Rich enough that MIL doesn't and has never worked. FIL earns a huge amount, and is unbelievably tight with it too (refuses to update 25 year old kitchen, 30 year old bathroom, won't buy MIL a new car even though hers is verging on dangerous, won't spend more than £10 per GC at christmas etc).

They are set to become millionaires with some inheritance that is probably due to come in the next year or two. For now they live on their £200k+ a year income with very little expenditure.

For the past 8 years, they have given us money every month to help with our living expenses. It began when DH was at university, before we met, and was the standard parents helping out a child at uni situation. DH always worked PT to top this up.

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process. This means he is earning low for now as he is studying whilst working so is essentially unskilled. In around 2 years, we hope he will be on a good salary. I am also on a relatively low wage.

We've been married since 2010, and since then they've given us £500 a month to help us out. Obviously, this is very generous and e appreciate this. SIL has had the same.

SIL no longer needs this, as her and her husband have now got high flying careers (lawyer and pilot) and no children, and do FIL has decided to stop all our payments.

We've just moved into a new home, and have a baby due in a few weeks. The timing could not be worse.

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again. I don't know what to do - is he being selfish and awful? Or is it his money and we should be grateful for what we've had up until now?

OP posts:
MamaLazarou · 17/02/2014 14:39

Shame on your DH for letting his pregnant wife work 80+ hours a week to support his studies.

BeingAGrownupSucks · 17/02/2014 14:40

I think the most sensible advice here has been to get yourself to CAB. They should be able to sort out the most financially viable option whether that is dropping a job or getting you out of your lease.

You don't mention your parents, could they help you at all?

Given that your FIL has been supporting DH for 8 years and therefore doesn't seem to be a horrible man is it possible that outwardly you seem well off? I.e. Moving to a slightly bigger flat in a very expensive area. Does he know how dire the situation is?

purplebaubles · 17/02/2014 14:41

Hmm, I still don't see how you don't have enough money. Sorry, but I don't.

Sarahschuster · 17/02/2014 14:41

Haha at the idea people would be more sympathetic face to face. I think they would come to exactly the same conclusion. And not sure the wrath is about jealousy: if you've got generous family then that's great. It's the suggestion that somebody can be described as "unbelievably tight" when they've clearly been exactly the opposite, or that it's appropriate to threaten a grandparent with cutting contact with kids and grand kids if they don't want to hand over great wads of cash on demand anymore.

GranolaMam · 17/02/2014 14:41

"I'm agog at £1350 pcm on a 2-bed flat. Not questioning the validity of that but it really is eye-watering, particularly for a family on low income…."

first location that popped into my head...plenty more about too

GranolaMam · 17/02/2014 14:43

Really Sarah? You'd react like this to someone clearly in a difficult position, panicking, pregnant and probably exhausted that's been told a massive chunk of their income will stop with no warning?

RafflesWay · 17/02/2014 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

georgedawes · 17/02/2014 14:44

Yes of course there are plenty of 2 bed flats that cost that much, but which city has no cheaper flats than 1350?

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 17/02/2014 14:44

Its not unusual Mama, lots of people struggle short term for long term gain, I get all of that...they are looking to the future they just need to do it without this extra money, and I think they should think why its been withdrawn.

They are not sitting round doing nothing they are both working as much as they can, they are working flat out in poorly paid jobs so that in the future they can enjoy a decent standard of living, there is nothing entitled about this.

Of course her dh is going to get upset that this money has been withdrawn..OP just needs to help her dh get it into perspective and they need to work round their current situation.

TidyDancer · 17/02/2014 14:45

There are plenty of places in Egham for under £1000.

formerbabe · 17/02/2014 14:45

How charming to call your fil tight when he is giving you money every month!

He should never have been giving his grown up kids an allowance in the first place.

Lilly20again · 17/02/2014 14:46

It's entitled because DH wants to cut contact if he can't have his cash!

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 17/02/2014 14:47

I agree with the premise its the way its been done, and the timing not the cash per se.

Very good point - re first GC...

My pils didnt like me op, I dont think they were happy when we announced we were pregant. Maybe yours dont like you?

georgedawes · 17/02/2014 14:48

Granola rightmove search brings up several rental properties cheaper than that, not that the op lives there.

Where do you live op? Hard to offer constructive advice when you don't sound entirely honest about your housing costs. I'll happily admit I'm wrong if you say the rough area you live and flats do indeed cost that much.

Sarahschuster · 17/02/2014 14:48

Would I think that somebody who described her FIL, who has given her 50,000 over the last few years, as "unbelievably tight" was an arse in real life? Yes, I would. Would I be irritated by her insistence that there was nothing she could change when there clearly was? Errr, yes. If she was my friend then obviously I'd try to help, but would also not play along with the "poor me" thing, because this situation is entirely of her own (and her feckless, entitled DP's) making.

exhaustedmummymoo · 17/02/2014 14:49

Granola I don't think people are envious lots of people have offered really good advice, but I think op has made folk a bit cross by saying her FIL is mean, giving your grown up children a monthly allowance is not the act of mean parents...in laws or otherwise.!

GranolaMam · 17/02/2014 14:49

georgedawes… have you ever rented? It's a nightmare and most of the time you have to take what you can get, it moves so fast. When I ended up a single mother with a small DS to fend for I looked to move from our 'expensive' flat to a cheaper one. I was shown one practically on a main railway line (a path and a fence between the house and the rail), one so filled with damp that I couldn't even walk through the door it smelt so awful and another in a block well known for drug dealing. I stuck with the flat I had and struggled on.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 17/02/2014 14:51

Get yourself over to the credit crunch firum as suggested.

You'll find constructive advice rather than the pummelling you'll continue to receive here.

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 14:51

I understand. WABU.

He doesn't want to cut contact because we aren't getting the money. He is angry that he has done this when he knows we just signed a new lease and are about to have a baby. He knows how hard we both work, and that I am only able to take 3 weeks maternity leave for financial reasons.

Yet he did this without warning.

That is why DH is is upset and angry. He says he never wants to see him again, because what kind of man would do that to their son. That is his view. It seems most of MN think he is being U, which is what I wanted to know as I felt like he was a bit too. But couldn't get perspective as it was so personal to me, it's my life.

Thanks for all the constructive stuff. We will go to CAB and see if we can get out of this contract for the lease, and move to a 1 bed.

OP posts:
Cravey · 17/02/2014 14:51

Wow. Self entitled much ? You chose to have a baby and new house so do what most grown ups do and pay for it. I cannot believe that people like you actually have this attitude. It's shocking. Also as someone else said your husband is going to stop his parents seeing the kids. That's bloody horrid. It's like give us the money or don't see the children. What a lovely caring person he is.

formerbabe · 17/02/2014 14:52

No wonder the fil doesn't update the kitchen and bathroom when he is funding his grown up kids...shameful.

2Kids2Cats1Dog · 17/02/2014 14:52

I bet your place is lovely, being worth 1350 a month rent.

Why choose it in the first place?

Even knocking off the 500 a month, that would mean you would be looking at rentals of 850 a month, which is probably 150 a month too dear for you?

Chippednailvarnish · 17/02/2014 14:53

Why is he earning £11k OP? As I've said this isn't a normal trainee wage.

georgedawes · 17/02/2014 14:53

I've rented lots of places. I didn't look at places that cost over 1k as I wouldn't have been able to eat as well as sleep there. I don't see how that is relevant to the op who said that 1350 is the cheapest rent in her city.

Not unreasonable to ask her to back that up given you could find cheaper in London, the country's most expensive city (by a long way).

georgedawes · 17/02/2014 14:54

Where do you live op?