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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL Issue. Need some perspective.

999 replies

NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 12:42

NC'd for obvious reasons.

PIL are very well off. Rich enough that MIL doesn't and has never worked. FIL earns a huge amount, and is unbelievably tight with it too (refuses to update 25 year old kitchen, 30 year old bathroom, won't buy MIL a new car even though hers is verging on dangerous, won't spend more than £10 per GC at christmas etc).

They are set to become millionaires with some inheritance that is probably due to come in the next year or two. For now they live on their £200k+ a year income with very little expenditure.

For the past 8 years, they have given us money every month to help with our living expenses. It began when DH was at university, before we met, and was the standard parents helping out a child at uni situation. DH always worked PT to top this up.

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process. This means he is earning low for now as he is studying whilst working so is essentially unskilled. In around 2 years, we hope he will be on a good salary. I am also on a relatively low wage.

We've been married since 2010, and since then they've given us £500 a month to help us out. Obviously, this is very generous and e appreciate this. SIL has had the same.

SIL no longer needs this, as her and her husband have now got high flying careers (lawyer and pilot) and no children, and do FIL has decided to stop all our payments.

We've just moved into a new home, and have a baby due in a few weeks. The timing could not be worse.

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again. I don't know what to do - is he being selfish and awful? Or is it his money and we should be grateful for what we've had up until now?

OP posts:
VeryStressedMum · 17/02/2014 14:24

Have you talked to tax credits about what help you can get? Even on £30k you should get something even if it's not much. Also if you give up one or more of your jobs which you'll have to as it is unsustainable, you will be entitled to tax credits.
Have you talked to them?

LaurieFairyCake · 17/02/2014 14:24

If there are no places where you are cheaper than 1350 then you move. You get out of the contract - if it's as you say it is then they will have no problem renting it to someone else.

There are lots of 2 bed flats in London cheaper than that.

It's a massive pain to move but you have NO choice now, your single biggest outgoing is your rent.

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 14:25

tidy

Without the car, I would have to get 2 buses to take ds to school. Then another bus to get me to work. Then, the same coming home, and then another bus later for evening job (which I wouldn't make in time, incidentally..) and then an hour night bus home.

It is not feasible, and would actually cost more per month than we spend on insurance and petrol!

OP posts:
sweetmelissa · 17/02/2014 14:25

They've been giving you £500 per month for the past 8 years....£48,000!! You have been given all that and you call your FIL "unbelievably tight".

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 14:28

laurie we can't move. I have explained this. We just can't.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 17/02/2014 14:29

Go to CAB about the rent. You really have to do something about it as you can't afford to live there.

What city are you in? Or general area?

DadDadDad · 17/02/2014 14:29

OP - you seem to have made a lot of strangers very cross, so I'll avoid all that and try to be constructive.

Can you write your FIL a letter setting out your situation? I would take out any emotion from the situation and avoid begging for money, but simply say how you had been planning on receiving the 500 for a couple more years given that you had previously been told it would be paid until DH qualified. Now that circumstances have changed, you are reworking your plans and would appreciate any advice (ie flatter them a bit with their experience with finances, what good ideas they might have). You could then set out what your finances currently look like (take-home pay, main outgoings, any savings) both now and after birth.

Then, is there anything that might generate their sympathy that you could mention, eg we were planning to take DS on his first holiday abroad / get him a new bike / whatever, but obviously we need to put that on hold.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 17/02/2014 14:31

DAD

Thats a good idea but I suspect there is more background here and they have been helping them out and I strongly suspect FIl thinks they are not conforming somehow and is angry with them....

georgedawes · 17/02/2014 14:31

1350 is the cheapest rent for a 2 bed flat in your city, which isn't London?!

Which city?

VeryStressedMum · 17/02/2014 14:32

What about tax credits?

steff13 · 17/02/2014 14:32

laurie we can't move. I have explained this. We just can't.

I'm afraid you may not have a choice. You're either going to have to find someplace cheaper, or you'll eventually be evicted for not paying your rent. Either way, you are going to have to move.

Writerwannabe83 · 17/02/2014 14:32

Then your DH has to put his studies on hold and get a much better paid job. If you are adamant that you can't move then your husband stepping up is your only option- the sooner you accept this, the better.

You keep saying you can't do x, y or z, so how exactly do you think you are going to manage?? What do you see as the answer?

Sarahschuster · 17/02/2014 14:32

OP, can you explain why you described your FIL as"unbelievably tight" when they have been massively subsidising you and your SIL for 8 years?

LaurieFairyCake · 17/02/2014 14:33

I've read your explanation.

You have no choice but to move. Literally no choice.

You need to give notice and move areas. And I know it's not a popular thought but you have to drop a job so that you can get income support/tax credits/housing benefit.

In fact if you drop a job and claim housing benefit you might find they're very keen to let you out your lease.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 17/02/2014 14:33

I think she explained that in the op Sarh with regards to the car and the kitchen, and its sweet that he is tight over things material but wanted to help out his children Sad

ViviPru · 17/02/2014 14:33

I'm agog at £1350 pcm on a 2-bed flat. Not questioning the validity of that but it really is eye-watering, particularly for a family on low income....

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 17/02/2014 14:34

In your current situation I would be looking into short term studio flat with you all sharing one room, until you can sort yourselves out.

CoolaSchmoola · 17/02/2014 14:35

Agree post on credit crunch - amazing women with great advice over there.

I feel for you op - it sounds like you both work very hard. But, that said, if I was subsidising a family member for 50 a month, let alone 500 because they couldn't afford to support themselves, I would be seriously pissed off if they decided to have a baby.

There is no need for accidents, happy or otherwise, to happen. Pregnancy is always based on a choice, even if that choice is to rely on a single method of birth control - because it is well documented that no single method is 100%.

Can you appreciate that choosing to have another child,thus increasing your expenses when you are being subsidised to meet the needs of your existing child might make the person who's money you are taking think that either you have more than you said, or you are taking the piss increasing your costs when you already can't meet them.

Writerwannabe83 · 17/02/2014 14:36

idrather - maybe he was 'tight' about buying new cars and kitchens because he was too busy handing out £1'000 a month to this grown children....

Chippednailvarnish · 17/02/2014 14:36

I have never heard of a part qualified accountant earning £11k a year full time. If you insist this is the case, I suggest that he will have to defer his training and get a job such as a bookkeeper which will generally pay more.

However, there is something very amiss about what you are telling people OP.

As for getting pregnant, whilst relying on a handout from the ILs, working three jobs and before your "D"H has finished his exams, the mind boggles.

You have I'm afraid made your bed...

teenagetantrums · 17/02/2014 14:37

Just stop working if this is all true, you will get housing benefit as you rent your DP with get WTC and CTC you will be no worse off and you wont have to pay for childcare, how are you going to afford nursery for your baby if you cant afford to live now.

GranolaMam · 17/02/2014 14:37

Hide the thread Op…. I think other posters are finding it hard to see clearly through the envy of not being gifted £500 per month.

I would think a lot of people had they heard this problem face to face would be sympathetic.

Hide the thread and talk to a friend over a cuppa.

TidyDancer · 17/02/2014 14:38

I'm struggling to understand the rent cost as well, which is why I asked the OP whereabouts she lives. You can live in Central London for that cost. There really isn't a city I can come up with that you couldn't get somewhere cheaper.

Lilly20again · 17/02/2014 14:38

Oh my.
I think that it's time to stand on your own feet. You can not expect your pil to fund your lifestyle or take responsibility for your children.

I think you have taken enough. I would think that your taking the piss having another baby, happy accident or not.

My sil has been leeching of her parents for decades, so I may be biased. She very much has the sense of entitlement that your husband has.

On a practicle note you need to pull your finances apart and save every penny you can.

Valpollicella · 17/02/2014 14:38

Absolutely keep the car, I can see why you'd need it.

But like I posted waaaaaay up there, you need to move.

Seriously get down the CAB, get them to have a look into your contarct - I can't believe for one moment you will be liable for the rest of the rent, there will be a get out clause in there somewhere....especially if you were to be claiming some kind of housing benefit.

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