to think that women like this give the rest of us a bad name in the workplace

[HomeIsWhereTheGinIs]

I'm currently expecting my first child in the early summer. One of my team at work is expecting hers about a week before mine. And I'm really about to really lose my temper with her. She's resident in a different country where she gets two months of fully paid antenatal leave before starting her maternity leave so she's going off in about a month.

However, what's making me really cross is that she's obviously mentally checked out already. We work in a really high-pressure environment (city job) and she's one of the more senior members in my team of 17. She just sent me back her appraisal form (late) in preparation for her review later on this week, along with an email that says she doesn't see why she's been asked to do this review as she's leaving in a month. She's also started arriving late to meetings, delaying delivery of tasks, taking extra long lunch hours etc.

The review covers the whole of the previous year and although yes, she is starting her maternity leave soon, we're still paying her salary and will be obliged to do so for her antenatal lead and for a full year after her baby is born. So it really makes me cross that with all of this fully paid time off ahead of her, she's already trying to get out of doing her normal day-to-day job whilst she's still in the office. Why is it a one-way street with her doing all the taking?

This woman and her behaviour are why other women in our largely male industry office (myself included) are completely passed over for promotion once they're pregnant / have children because our male colleagues assume we'll all take this kind of approach. When I mentioned to our global head that this kind of attitude really makes me cross, he actually shrugged and said "That's just what happens. Women get pregnant and lose all interest in their job". She's ruining it for the rest of us. AIBU to want to mark her down in her review for this awful attitude? (Obviously I won't…but dear God I'm tempted!)

Defend your right to be an individual and not judged by another woman's behaviour. Challenge the attitudes where you hear them.

Apols for missing that you challenged it, OP.

As for: As Thyme says above, it's being part of an identifiable group that gives that group a bad name this is discrimination in a nutshell. I simply do not accept that if I fuck up at work I've given all women and/or women of colour in my industry 'a bad name'. That's outrageous thinking.

A willingness to ascribe negative traits or behaviour by one individual to the whole group (let's face it, it rarely happens with positive behaviours) is not natural or inevitable, it is fundamentally unfair.

I can quite see that, someone like your pregnant colleague handing sexists some ammunition is very irritating for you, but she is still not the real problem.

You should deal with it by saying to the man that made the comment, stop being so sexist.
As a manager you should deal with her underperformance in the same way you would a males underperformance, and see it as unrelated to the fact she is pregnant.

When pregnant I am a unpredictable at work, it wasn't my fault that I couldn't get out of the door because my head was down the loo being sick and I had sever morning sickness that went on until I was around 33 weeks pregnant.

I am glad I had the support from my employer and was excluded from appraises. Because it would have been devastating for me as I am normally a good worker without any problems.

Be upset with her as an individual, not a member of a collective

Try to change attitudes with your own performance

Remember that it's pretty bullshit to think the way to get rid of oppression is for all its victims to behave perfectly for their oppressors.

I can't remember who said this but there's a famous quote re racism that's something like: we'll know racism has ended not when a black man is allowed to achieve just like a white man, but when he's allowed to fail like a white man.

We'll know sexism is over when women can be terrible at something and it doesn't mean anything more than that.

Basically your attitude is part of what's impeding progress toward that goal.

Op, cutting to the chase - I think the real issue to get wound up about here is poor performance. Probably clouds the issue to get involved in how she's contributing to negative perceptions in the workplace.
I would go ahead with the appraisal and hold her to account on her poor performance, commitment and time-keeping. Her pregnancy is not a relevant excuse because if she was having problems related to that she was obliged to make you and HR aware.

Unpredictability at work, for any physical reason, can be a reason for under-performance, but only to be taken into account if the person concerned makes their employer aware. Being pregnant isn't an excuse or justification for poor time keeping, missing deadlines, failing to do work etc. The pregnant woman can't just assume she can behave in that manner and act accordingly. No more than someone with a physical problem could.

My bosses once made a remark at a meeting about young female academics moving on/quitting on getting pregnant and put this down as a 'risk' in their risk assessment of our workplace. I challenged this and asked them to note down what percentage of women and men had broken or otherwise left their contracts early- guess what, more men had left early (for new jobs, didn't like it, moved on) than women? It is important to challenge the factual basis of these stereotypes and treat people as individuals. I don't know why you are so cross at this woman, there will always be slackers and people who are a bit lazy- don't you know any guys like that in your workplace? I have a hard time believing only this one woman is slacking and every single other man in the place is working 110%.

I agree with what everyone has said- she's just a person, not a representative for all womankind. I am not sure what you want from her, given you already have in place the correct mechanisms for dealing with underperformance.

OP, I'd find out if she has any issues, pregnancy-related or not, that might explain the under-performing. If not, or if it was then appropriate, I'd talk to her about her performance ahead of her review (I'm assuming that your workplace conforms to the rule that nothing that comes up in a review should be a surprise).

Then deal with the performance issues as you would with someone who wasn't pregnant.

YANBU.

If this woman is having pregnancy related issues that mean she can't do her job properly, she should be on maternity leave already because that's what it's for.

I don't think there's much you can do except make your view on it clear to her, and your colleagues. Not all women are like this, some of us put in extra effort at work when pregnant to prove the point that we aren't suddenly incapable.

The OP's post made me glad I only briefly went back to work in the City after having children. People expect you to behave like a fucking robot, and it is so sexist. Plus it's full of queen bee backstabbers.

I'm currently expecting my first child in the early summer. One of my team at work is expecting hers about a week before mine. And I'm really about to really lose my temper with her. She's resident in a different country where she gets two months of fully paid antenatal leave before starting her maternity leave so she's going off in about a month

Not quite sure how that works, but is there any chance that her getting more leave than you is influencing the way you feel?

"I did challenge his stupid comment. And he then said that she clearly fell into the category he'd identified, which was correct."

According to your OP, the category was "women" or possibly "women who get pregnant". She does presumably fall into the category "women", but probably also falls into the categories "human beings" and a range of categories like "people with brown hair," "people who drive silver cars," "people whose first names start with the letters A-M" and so forth.

It wouldn't be OK to say "people whose first names start with the letters A-M lose all interest in their job" and then when challenged on it say "well, that individual there has lost all interest in the job, and has a first name beginning with A-M" and think that that constituted in any way a justification for the sweeping statement. And if someone did do that you wouldn't just report it here as "he then said that she clearly fell into the category he'd identified, which was correct."

He was telling you that you and the other three and a half billion women in the world would all behave a specific way because someone else the same gender as you behaved that way; because, in his opinion, your gender will predict how you act when the colour of your hair or your favourite music or what car you drove wouldn't. He sees gender as something it's perfectly OK to generalise on the basis of, to the extent that he thinks saying "well, she is in that category" stops the comment being sexist rather than being an example of confirmatory bias.

There is no obvious justification for (1) her behaviour.

But (2) the fact that she's being used as fuel for a stereotype is not her issue. It's the issue of the people who are choosing to use it to reinforce the stereotype while being perfectly happy to ignore all the counter-examples that present themselves. If she'd been the model employee for the last few months they would still believe that "women get pregnant and lose all interest in the job" because it's a preconception that they already held. Your performance and the performance of other women who don't fit that stereotype has done nothing to shake it, because they are only looking for "evidence" that appears to confirm their existing bias. A dozen Ms Perfects will be ignored and the one Ms Abitcrapingeneralactually seized on as confirmation that they were right all along.

Very surprised to see someone who calls herself a feminist blaming women for institutional sexism.

Full of queen bed back stabbers YY

I am senior in a city firm and thank god I work for men to be honest. The only comments I got when I had to miss one (and only one) important meeting with morning sickness was from a woman (a peer) who knew I was pregnant but apparently managed to work until her waters broke, fly to Australia for a meeting when her newborn was days old etc. etc. On me missing the one meeting she spoke to my managing partner 'out of concern that I wasn't coping'.

The managing partner I work for encouraged me to take maternity a few weeks early to spend time with DD1 and promoted me three weeks into my mat leave.

I thank my lucky stars the very few women who preceded me at my workplace had no truck with this kind of disloyalty. And to be fair to them, the senior men were all good family men who didn't spew this crap either.

How should you deal with it?

Well, in accordance with the law and with your company's procedures of course. As with any case where an employee is not performing in the required way.

Follow the set procedures, ensure that all legislative requirements are met. Refrain from making judgements about entire groups of people or allowing others to express those judgements to you.

Deal with it as a single issue with a single employee.

YABU, for all the reasons that have already been stated.

As a member of a rather maligned minority group, I often feel the pressure to be "a good example" to prove people's negative preconceptions wrong. I find this pressure to be a real PITA.

So since you understand how tedious is it to have to be "a good example", I am baffled as to why you are perpetuating this mentality.

I know it's tempting to think that if you play the game and be one of the boys you'll get further, but it's not true, they'll still screw you over.

I don't think this woman need feel herself under any 'pressure' other than the pressure to do her bloody job to the best of her ability.

You need to reframe your skewed and prejudicial thinking.you can't see your own blind spots
Working with alphamales and prejudice you've unwittingly become immersed in it
This pg woman is subject to your derision,simply for being pg.she's not ruined it for all.shes not representing all

Given that you're also pregnant, do you worry that this is how your colleagues see you? Are you putting yourself under strain in order not to "let the side down?"

"My frustration here is directly pointed at this particular and very lazy woman and how she's not helping the situation for anybody. Yes, it's irritating that my industry tends to be sexist but as I see it, I have two options. Shrug, and say that's just how it is, or hold myself up to a higher standard and lead by example."

Your frustration and your irritation are the wrong way round.

Why do you not consider any options other than shrugging or leading by example?

What happens if - heaven forbid- you experience problems with your pregnancy which mean you need to take time off? Does your fine example become diminished? Are you any less of an employee? Have you let your gender down?

There are so many good comments that have been made on this thread OP. I hope you take them on board. Regarding my comment about buying this employee a decent gift, I dont think it is particularly odd. It is most probable that we work in hugely different environments and what is done where I work is different.

I dont think it would be unreasonable to talk to this woman about her current performance but I do think your attitude is horrendous.

My whole point is that she's contributing to the general feeling that women just work until they have a family

This comment is unbelievable! I can only imagine you are stuck in some patriarchal nasty corporate hell hole fighting a one woman battle against a load of misogynists in suits.

Good luck with your maternity leave, I hope it can give you a bit of perspective and rest, it sounds like you need it.

Deal with her as an individuL, as you would anyone else whose performance is below par but take into account the circunstances (ie pregmancy and how that is affecting her)

Having worked in construction myself, I completely agree with you. You need to lead by example. You are being paid to give your best for your time at work, to do otherwise is to perform below par.

If your best is less than before pregnancy, that's fine. If you use pregnancy as an excuse but there's no reason why your performance should affected that's different.