Spoonyfucker™ has Spoonyfucked AGAIN, and this time he's Fuckered the Kenwood<<ranty super duper serious thread of rantness>>

[HoneyDragon]

He wanted to juice oranges to make some weirdy made up concoction to cure his cold.

Pointed out the juicer and kitchen machine. Offered to show him how to use in a helpful fashion, as you would with any appliance someone hasn't used before, but as a qualified engineer he elbowed me confidentially out the way and then dutifully applied eleventy tonnes of unrequired brute force and smashed off the base.

Why? Why do I cohabit with a SpoonyFucker, it's an incurable condition. Lord knows we've tried.

You Spoonyfuckers just can help Spoonyfucking.

Halloooo Pidge. Not seen you around for a while.

Arsebiscuit. Now he gets to be the engineer who obtains and installs the replacement parts. The twat.

Wotcha Pidge

Original spoonyfucker thread

I had to go to a preschool party this afternoon. I threatened dh with a stainless steel copper bottomed pan to stay the fuck away from the slow cooker whilst I went out.

And bitterly pointed out that the reason I have stainless steel pans are because someone thinks a fork is a adaquate utensil to stir stuff and doesn't understand why I rage over Teflon coated pans after that someone has forkyfuckered themi to a scratched useless mess.

I'm now home. I have locked him in his shed with instructions to go and Captain some industry until dinners ready.

I don't think you should get a new appliance - with eleventy tonnes of brute force oranges can surely be pulped with the bare hands?

When you want to juice oranges, just get him to hold up his fist and place the bowl underneath his elbow.

You haven't said what he said when he broke it.

Or was he unable to talk because you shoved the appliance somewhere painful?

He remained convinced it was fixable.

Then retreated to "well how was I supposed to know...."

Before seeing the look in my eye.

Then he just retreated.

you mean like this?

for you!! I hate spoony fuckers gives dp the evils

NO ONE TOUCHES MY KA but ME for this very reason!!

It's out of bounds!!!

DH not only bought me Teflon saucepans for Christmas in 2012, he then (once I had got over the screaming abdabs about having saucepans for Christmas) managed to spoonyfucker them into scratchy oblivion.

He also broke my stick blender using the whisk attachment to mash potatoes and my 'magic bullet' blender trying to twist it back off the wrong way (left handed issues)

I don't know about spoonyfucker, mines more like stupidfucker.

DP is a spoonyfucker. I didn't know there was a name for it.

Last week he threw away the celery because it was limp. Well yes, but it was destined to be fried to make the base for a caponata. Grr.

Weeping with laughter.

My husband throws away magazines I haven't read because he simply decides for no reason I can see that I must have read them.

does this mean he too is a spoonyfucker?

I did almost make him walk back to derbyshire from the scottish highlands when I found out he'd thrown away my woman's weekly fiction feast [old and proud]. he was unable to explain why he had just decided it had been there too long instead of asking me if I had finished with it.

Oh yes. Dh will throw at a load of perfectly fine potatoes because they are 3.6 seconds past their use by date, but will happily pour milk that smells akin to stinking bishop in his tea, and then look surprised when his tea tastes funny.

My mum does this kind of food fuckery too. Threw away chorizo sausage because the packet had been opened for two days

I've got flu. Proper flu not just a really bad cold. I have been in bed all weekend.

I just checked the kitchen

It's going to take me weeks to right his "helping" and I daren't even look at the washing! Every now and again I would regain conciousness to hear the machine going and just cry a little.

Will he buy you a new one?

How does a frozen pizza take 45mins to cook? Was it stored in liquid nitrogen?

Well, thankfully I can just replace the broken bit. So I'd be pushing it to blow the finances on a kitchen aid.

He has tried to convince me it will work with the base smashed to bits.

I have pointed out it wobbles furiously.

He again thinks this is fine.

I have suggested he test it with the food processor blade in on speed and if it doesn't ricochet off and remove his ear I'll keep using it.

He's not tested it yet.

I'll order a new bit tomorrow.

Dear god, he really is a spoonyfucker isn't he!

XDH doesn't even live here anymore but he still regularly spoonyfucks his way around. He threw a loaf of bread out the other day because he 'presumed it was off'.

Dh and I have just had a right laugh realising that he is indeed a certified spoonyfucker.
He stirs anything in sight regardless of requirement.
Has broken not one, not two but three window latches.
Managed to throw an entire parcel of brand new china that hadn't even been unpacked across a hotel room and destroyed them all.
Broke the bowl my brother carefully carried all the way across Peru for my Christmas present. And the candle holder we brought home from Lombok.
Is the death of ALL wine glasses, and plates, and bowls. god knows why we got granite worktops, the combo of him and granite is hideous to behold.
And then, as op's spoonyfucker did, destroyed my hapless Kenwood. By throwing it in the style of a rugby ball across the kitchen and blaming his 'grip less hands'.

There are many more examples- inanimate objects quake in his presence.

DH was lighting a candle (re melted from old ones no less) last night and managed to knock a cat ornament and the candle plate thing off the mantle piece and break both of them, a vase and a different cat ornament
Useless spoonyfucker

Gonagle

I believe shat you have there is not a common or garden Spoonyfucker.

I suspect you actually have on your hands a Lesser Spotted Cak Handed Bastard*

• I know this because I am one

Oh arse

*that, I meant that!

Ahhh. This makes sense, it really does. Is there any course of action other than to not develop attachments to any of our belongings/household fixtures and fittings etc?
Nothing is safe. Nothing.

I have a confession.

I think I may be a spoonyfucker I just can't help stirring things when people are cooking. However I never suggest other ways of doing it. I am only a minor spoonyfucker.

Buggering up your Kenwood is a step too far though. Silly over confident spoonyfuckering by your dh there!

DH is a spoonyfucker. He's obsessed with stirring whatever is in the slow cooker. All meat comes out shredded because he's in there every half hour hour, poking at it. FFS the entire point of a slow cooker is thatyou can leave the poor bastard thing alone for eight hours.

He's not an engineer though, he's an analyst. So although he manages to function in the kitchen like a relatively normal person, he has to ask me a million questions about what I'm doing.

Why did you put sugar in the bolognese?
Um, cause mumsnet told me too and it works.
Right, but why?
I don't know.
And you just slosh a bit of wine in?
Yes.
You don't measure it?
No.
And what's that you're putting in now?
Beef stock.
Oh. How come beef?

Wasatch!