Spoonyfucker™ has Spoonyfucked AGAIN, and this time he's Fuckered the Kenwood<<ranty super duper serious thread of rantness>>

[HoneyDragon]

He wanted to juice oranges to make some weirdy made up concoction to cure his cold.

Pointed out the juicer and kitchen machine. Offered to show him how to use in a helpful fashion, as you would with any appliance someone hasn't used before, but as a qualified engineer he elbowed me confidentially out the way and then dutifully applied eleventy tonnes of unrequired brute force and smashed off the base.

Why? Why do I cohabit with a SpoonyFucker, it's an incurable condition. Lord knows we've tried.

You Spoonyfuckers just can help Spoonyfucking.

ShoeWhore has just reminded me that I'm responsible for teatowelfuckery.

When my OH is in the kitchen trying to cook I have a habit of collecting up tea towels to wash. He once made me laugh so much by doing some comedic routine as to how he turns round and his handy absorbent prevent burny hands implement has disappeared once again!! I honestly hadn't registered I was doing it until he looked so confused spinning around the kitchen and I was watching him wondering what the hell he was looking for.

Was amazed to discover I was on the previous spoonyfucker thread... as the discoverer of the subspecies that specialises in trashing gardens and is known as the secateurfucker.

I'm clearly spending too much time on here !

God knows I don't do a right lot housework-wise and DP does most of it. However, I have always done the washing. Always, always, always. I've never ruined anything, he's never run out of boxers or socks, and if he's asked for something to be clean by a certain date, it's done. I don't mind doing it.

So what the actual fuck possessed him to put a wash in on Saturday that consisted of a cream tablecloth, a cream fitted sheet, four cream pillowcases, a pair of mint green pyjamas and a new pair of red socks? On a boil (or as near as dammit) wash? I'd be happier if he'd put the duvet cover in as well and ruined a whole bedding set instead of half of it. Washyfucker.

I forgot to mention that I also am the owner of a its-time-to-go-out-so-I'm-gonna-spend-an-hour-in-the-loo fucker

Bowels clearly set for any time we have to leave the house so im stuck dealing with two kids who are wrapped up ready for the park and getting pissed off waiting

We have a passive agressive war going on at the moment about washing up. I like to reuse my tea mug all day. He likes to wash it up the moment it leaves my lips. I hide my mug. He finds it and washes it up and then leaves it soggy on the drainer so I have to dry it before reusing it.

I turn my back on the spoon (saved in an empty tin of tomatoes specially for stirring sauce) for more than a second and it's in the washing up. Not washed up of course. Just in the cold dirty water.

Last night he not only mouth breathed in my face (affectionate snuggling he would call it) but he snored in my face too. Smelly and noisy. What a keeper. And this was after he had the nerve to ask me if I was feeling 'hormonal'. Yes. I am eight weeks pregnant and full of morning sickness, but that is not why I am crying. I am crying because the children just smashed the TV. Most people would cry. Even non-pregnant ones.

Oh yes, I have a huggy fucker too. Right in the middle of chopping stuff up is when I really want a hug, not all the rest of the fucking day.

Oh God, I have a spoonyfucker too! Only, he thinks that wooden spoons are evil. He stirs everything with a giant spatula. And then tries to serve up with said spatula. And then wonders why he's spilt stew everywhere.
Is there such thing as a spatulafucker?
He's also a knobfucker. We still haven't reached a consensus on the correct definition of simmering.
I think we need a support group.

Oh the 'are we all ready to go? Right, I'll just go for a wee then'!!!!
My dad used to do that, and so does DH.

Yes, the needing to go for a bathroom break at inappropriate times. I call him ten minutes before tea is ready, ask him to get his drinks/lay the table/give him his ten minute warning, and then as soon as I'm dishing up he has to go and spend 30 minutes on the loo. What would you call it? Inconvenienteshitfuckery?

He does this in restaurants too, I got bored with all the faux-sympathy from serving staff and now I just take a book. And eat the choice bits from his plate, of course

Oh yes, the Washyfucker does that too! Will give me a countdown at ten minute intervals from an hour before the time he says we need to leave ("Apprentice, you've got an hour!", "Apprentice, fifty minutes!" etc.), then as I'm putting my coat on and walking out of the front door, it's "I'll just go and have a dump". Lovely

He doesn't realise I now add twenty minutes on to the time he says I've got left. Bowels-rule-his-life-fucker thinks I'm daft.

Oh I have a main-course-drinkfucker. Slowly finishes his drink during the starter/ wait for main course, then as soon as the main course hoves into view he decides he needs another drink, right now and he cannot possibly eat another mouthful without one. The number of times I have finished my main while he sits there with his arms crossed looking agonised at where his drink should be. Gah.

Huggyfuckers!

Thank you!

My SpoonyFucker DH is a fully fledged surveyor. RICS and all that. He has managed to order all the wrong sizes for our new bespoke non returnable windows.
Apparently someone (err who?) should've checked the dimensions before the order went in.

gardener

Yes mine does that. I've taught him to line them up.

You look like your married to an alcoholic but I don't want to kill him.

This thread has had me crying with laughter - so much so I had to show it to DP who was worried about my hysteria. He has since become potential Threadfucker - ahem - "it would be much funnier if it was Spoonyfecker instead of Spoonyfucker". I glared at him. Hard.

Mine goes to the loo immediately before every meal, just as I'm serving it, knowing full well it is ready & being served. He also finds stuff to do in the garage & with the car etc etc blah blah such that we are late leaving the house for everything. Then he drives too fast to make up time

Mine goes to the loo when ever there's anything to do with DS... eg bedtimes...

I have a huggyfucker! Right in the middle of cooking dinner, emptying the dishwasher, making the kids lunches and he wanders in wanting a cuddle. And looks all hurt when I growl at him to fuck off or get stabbed with the very sharp knife I'm holding. There is a time and a place

Good lord. Aside from giving me the biggest laugh I've had in weeks, this thread has done something truly astonishing: reminded me that XH did have a few good points. Principle among these was being better at fixing things than breaking them. The only time he laid a finger on the washing machine was when it needed fixing and then he actually did fix it!

My dad was the one for washing up before you'd finished. I remember picking up a piece of toast, taking a bite and trying to put it down again, only to find the plate had gone. He was also the one who chivvied everyone else to get ready while he sat in his dressing gown studying the Financial Times, and would only saunter upstairs to dress when we were all waiting by the front door. (And then throw a massive wobbly because his shoes weren't where he was sure he'd left them and it must be Somebody Else's Fault. As though any of us would dare to touch his shoes.) Nowadays, I'm afraid, I've grown up to be the one who goes for the last-minute wee that mysteriously takes 20 minutes when everyone else is standing around in their coats.

My mum was Washyfucker. She shrank more jerseys than most people own, and everything pale ended up a pinkish shade of grey. As for her method of cooking vegetables, suffice it to say that she believed in boiling them into submission lest they should crawl out of the pot and strangle someone. As she abhorred waste, so included all the outer leaves and stalks regardless of age or condition, it may actually have been a wise policy. When she died (not of strangulation by vegetable, I hasten to add) we cleared out her big walk-in larder and discovered items there that we couldn't even put an age to, because they pre-dated the introduction of use-by dates; but I am pretty sure that the half-used bottle of Camp coffee had come with them when they moved into the house, in 1959. My mother was the sweetest person on the face of the earth, and scarily intelligent, but running a household was not exactly her forte.

Oh truly how expensive annoying.

Actually DH is quite a good fixer of things. He has done all sorts of household repairs that have worked splendidly and not caused any kind of havoc.

So why doesn't he play to his bloody strengths?

Even though I earlier outed myself as a slight spoonyfucker
I feel the need to come back and even things out a little. My DP has his own, far from perfect, fuckery.

He is also a kitchen huggy/kissyfucker. It seems like so many OH's do this so I deduce that it must be some form of kinkyfuckery going on.

He is a stealingIngredientFucker - at no time ever will he think to go chop raw onion, cabbage, peppers as a snack but will stuff them in his gob as fast as I'm chopping them to use for dinner.

He also has some UnhingedEx-ChefFuckery going on - he's obsessive about dates/stock rotation/storage. It drives me insane.

His worst offence imo is his persistance in the opening of the oven door exactly when I don't need him to. He will sometimes remember to ask what's in there before doing so but not always. So for that reason I name him KillerOfYorkshirePuddingsFucker.

** in his defense though - he's not English and never cooked Yorkies before so didn't realise his cruel act of opening the oven door would result in killing them.

See, He's worse than me and my spoonfuckery fades in comparison :)

Id love to be a spoonyfucker myself! Sadly Im the only fucker who can cook in this house!

A philosophical question: I think DH is a knobfucker but he's adamant I'm a boileverythingtodeathfucker.

How do you tell who's right?

Oh my goodness - I'm SO pleased there's a word for this.
My DP is a spoonyfucker!