Spoonyfucker™ has Spoonyfucked AGAIN, and this time he's Fuckered the Kenwood<<ranty super duper serious thread of rantness>>

[HoneyDragon]

He wanted to juice oranges to make some weirdy made up concoction to cure his cold.

Pointed out the juicer and kitchen machine. Offered to show him how to use in a helpful fashion, as you would with any appliance someone hasn't used before, but as a qualified engineer he elbowed me confidentially out the way and then dutifully applied eleventy tonnes of unrequired brute force and smashed off the base.

Why? Why do I cohabit with a SpoonyFucker, it's an incurable condition. Lord knows we've tried.

You Spoonyfuckers just can help Spoonyfucking.

I have a spoonyfucker too!! Never knew there was a word!
He is better at cooking than me, but sometimes I like to experiment, and this doesn't sit well with his engineer/mechanic brain!
He is also a cantfinishanythingfucker, no room in my house is finished!

composhat surely not so! I'm the proud owner of a 30 year old Kenwood Chef which is still going strong.

Honey has a perm?? how did I miss that.

Wow 30 years! Better than our kettle (18 months til the lid broke) or the coffee percolator that developed a constant drip just out of warranty.

Oh god I've got a spoonyfucker too! DS was also a spoonyfucker but now he has his own place and his GF can deal with it.

I recall one Sunday lunch time draining all the lovely meaty goodness from the roasting pan into a jug ready to decant into a saucepan to make beef gravy and DH waltzed in and tipped the lot down the sink. We had to have bisto instant fucking gravy.

He also waits until I'm in the middle of cooking to come in and be huggy, yet when I'm sat on the sofa doing nothing he doesn't come near me. I'm guessing this is a huggyfucker.

Compo. Did you try to juice oranges on them?

Oh yes, my husband had the potential to be a real knobtwiddler.

However, my rule is that if you interfere with it - you have volunteered to DO it -

When he attempted to tell me how to drive, I would pull over and make him drive.

When he decided to turn the heating down on something I was cooking, I handed him whatever utensil was in my hand and went to sit down at the pc.

Thanks for volunteering, Husband Dear. It is now in your capable hands.

he has learned now to stay the fuck out of something unless he actually does want to take over because once I have handed over due to interference, no power on earth, no grovelling apologies, no attempt to duck out of the house will get me back. He's doing it or it doesn't get done.

He learned.

However, there is no consequence for the throwing away of my magazines so I am yet to sort that one out.

No honey straining soup through the percolator.

Mine is a lightfucker. If I'm in the kitchen he turns off the lights behind me, including the wee one above the hob and the spotlights under the cabinets. It drives me mad, I live like a fucking mole.

I have a kitchenroll fucker. He'll take the last kitchen roll out of the cupboard because he needs it for some DIY shit. But not tell me he's taken the last fucking one. I'll then go to get another one only to find they are all gone.

Also, online delivery fucker. 'Is there anything you can think of I need to add to the order?' 'No'.
After man bring (which is what it's called in our house) has been 'oh, didn't you order any chocolate coated fuck nuggets?' No, because you didn't say we had run out when I asked!

Dear God DH is a lightfucker, a Derrenfucker and a kitchenrollfucker too.

He walks into a room and adjusts the lighting regardless of who's in the room. Uses the last of things and treats that as Top Secret info. And when I finally snap at all the fuckery goes into super solicitous mode. Which causes more chaos.

Oh this thread should be in classics. The mirth

I also own an angry engineer who blames the designer every time he breaks a perfectly usable object.

Although spoonfuckery is not in his remit. He is definitely a dishwasher avoider and likes to leave dirty ceramics on the sink drainer. Apparently I load the dishwasher better than he

DH insists I'M a spoonyfucker, all because I once, about 5 years ago, stirred the paella he was cooking for dinner. I thought I was being helpful in ensuring that the bottom of the pan didn't get burned rice stuck to it.

DH is a huggyfucker too! So irritating. I will be using the biggest, sharpest knife in the block and he'll decided that's the perfect time to grope hug me, but sits on the opposite side of the room when we're watching a film 'together'. No logic.

He also walks into the bathroom when I'm in the shower, in order to say something that he thinks is really urgent (it never is) and leaves the door wide open when he leaves again. Our house is a draughty Victorian terrace. So I'm left standing in an icy blast, naked and screaming at him to shut the door.

I've started doing the same to him now, it's funny how when I ask him to shut the door I'm high maintenance, but when he gets antsy about the same thing it turns out I'm the unreasonable one

'Chocolate coated fuck nuggets'

Yy to huggy fucker!! Is it possible to have multiple fucker personalities?

I have a couple more!...
DP is a light fucker, already mwntioned turns of lights left right and centre and then leaves all the fucking doors open as he does it so whilst we are saving pence on lighting we are wasting fucking pounds heating the fucking garden!
And he's also an edgyfucker! He HATES corners! Won't butter the edges of the toast, hoover the edges of the room, paint the edges of the room or mow the edges of the fucking lawn! Apparently edges are for stowing CRAP!

Mine is generally pretty good in the kitchen - he can be let lose with kitchen implements although DIY gadgets are definitely a step too far. However, he makes up for it with the condiments... Off to do baking with DS - all baking powder thrown out 'because it was out of date' - similarly, ginger, cinnamon, various flavouring and food colouring - which of course would have worked perfectly fine even if it went 20 years beyond its bbf date... (perhaps the baking powder wouldn't but all the others would)

Man bring! That's inspired, Pipbin, I'm borrowing that.

DH is a Sellbyfucker. He is haunted by the memory of stomach upsets past which I suspect were nothing to do with sell-by expired food, but anyway. When I cook (he never does) he sidles in and starts poking and sniffing and saying 'Is that still good? It looks funny. I think it's gone off. I'm not eating it.' etc etc repeat to fade.

It drives me mad. He admits he has no idea himself whether something is 'still good' or not (why he can't tell I don't know) so he nags me. I tell him it's fine, he keeps on. There have been times I've given up, thrown the meat in the bin and told him to sort out his own dinner. Now I'm cannier. He often eats meat on or past the sell-by date, I just hide the packets from him. It has never had any adverse effect on him.

Even worse, he turns 'Is it still good?' into a three-act opera then happily sits down and eats it anyway.

YY to the huggyfucker, it is so annoying! My lightfucker is also an engineer, got to be something in that.

I wish I had lightfuckers, my lot are just electricitywastingfuckers, they never turn the lights off.

Oh dear I am not just a spoonyfucker but a knobfucker as well

Dh has his very own brand of spoonyfuckery though - he likes to put utensils in the dishwasher while I am still using them. So I reach for the wooden spoon to stir the bolognese and it's gone

Is this his revenge for my spoonyfucking I wonder?

My DM is prone to tidying up while your cooking, my dear nan was once heard to complain "your mum, would wash it up before it gets dirty!"

'Twas pretty much true, she is a washthespoonyou'restiring withfucker

Yy to huggyfucker, why? why would you want to hug someone who is wielding an 8" long kitchen knife?

He is also a noddingdonkeyfucker, after the huggyfuckery in the kitchen he will then sit at the opposite end of the sofa making no contact with me and fall asleep, wake up after his head has fallen forward, fall asleep again and do this until I hit him because he's dribbling.