Spoonyfucker™ has Spoonyfucked AGAIN, and this time he's Fuckered the Kenwood<<ranty super duper serious thread of rantness>>

[HoneyDragon]

He wanted to juice oranges to make some weirdy made up concoction to cure his cold.

Pointed out the juicer and kitchen machine. Offered to show him how to use in a helpful fashion, as you would with any appliance someone hasn't used before, but as a qualified engineer he elbowed me confidentially out the way and then dutifully applied eleventy tonnes of unrequired brute force and smashed off the base.

Why? Why do I cohabit with a SpoonyFucker, it's an incurable condition. Lord knows we've tried.

You Spoonyfuckers just can help Spoonyfucking.

My DM is a lidfucker - DS (15) was cooking rice (absorption method) to go with the chilli I'd made for him & her (I & DH were away) & she kept lifting the lid & checking, even though he cooks rice lots & knows how to do it. He kept texting me in horror & then rage as it became soggier & soggier

My DMiL is a pastasaucefucker. DS then aged 8 was cooking some sort of puttanesca sauce while staying with her & DFiL. It was absolutely perfect (he thought), nice & thick & tasty, & she added a big glug of water from the kettle & a huge pinch of salt

DH makes lots of comments but as he does no cooking at all he knows better than to be critical & certainly wouldn't actually touch anything unless specifically asked.

I think I may have a touch of Spoonyfuckery

Oh yes. Dh will throw at a load of perfectly fine potatoes because they are 3.6 seconds past their use by date

I know someone who throws food away if it gets near the use by date.

Threw away perfectly good mushrooms. Unplugged the oven to make coffee. Keeps interfering with the fire even though he puts it out and dicking about with the slow cooker.

And he breathes in my face at night. Mouth breathing. Fucker.

Breathing. Mine does that too. Bastard.

Very interesting. I think DH has a touch of this too, but his offending activities are not so much stirring the pans, but coming in once everything is on to cook nicely and making minute changes to the gas/hob oven temperatures. He gets screamed at for even looking at the cooker now when I am cooking.

It's kind if knobfuckery I guess...

Chester I too have a knobfucker. It gives me the rage because he tweaks them whilst I am cooking and the first I realise because I'm MNetting is when the pasta boils over on my bastard clean hob.

Oh dear god.

I may have just had to explain to my husband why I was snorting.

Honey dragon I'm blaming you for "lesser spotted cak handed bastard".

How does it take 45 minutes you ask?

Funny that, I asked the same question. And followed it up by asking how cheese on toast takes 45 minutes too.

The answer probably lies in forgetting to turn the oven on but not wanting to admit it. Or possibly doing something else for 30 of the 45 minutes.

Took him a whole day to make a spinach and ricotta pie with filo pastry when we were first dating. No veg just the pie.

I trained my DH right from the start. Get the fuck out of my kitchen, especially when I am cooking. He is allowed in to make tea and wash up. That is all. When I'm cooking he might stand in the door way and talk, but that doesn't last long.
I think this comes from Mother who is very similar. I don't think my father has set foot in the kitchen for the last 15 years now. She never throws anything out either, she honestly has food colouring that has a price label of 3 1/2 p on it.

I have a TakeItToExtremesFucker.

Yesterday I was coordinating pasta, meat, sauce, veggies all to be ready at the same time. He asked if he could make himself a cup of tea. The kettle is right next to the hob in the corner so NO, there's no room!

Two mins later the DCs are harassing my ankles and in danger of getting boiling water on them etc - and I ask him why he's fucked off into the lounge instead of watching them. He says, "Oh, you told me to get out of the way."

Out of the crucial square foot, TITEF, not out of the DC watching zone!

my dad was a knob twiddler... drove my mum to distraction.

ex decides he wants to use the kettle just as i am doing tea... it is also in the corner next to the cooker.

i found a casserole dish in the drawer last week as he helpfully put it away.

bowls where plates go, etc.

he faffed about with my carefully organised cutlery drawer and the thing has never been right since.

Ah so that's what DH is, a knobfucker! He's also a spoonyfucker, but the knob twiddling really makes me blood boil - I'll have a pan of pasta happily simmering on the stove, and come back to it with barely a bubble after DH has 'corrected' the gas.
He's a much better cook than me and I rely on my fecking timer and systems to get edible food onto plates, so when he messes about with it I get really flustered and tend to shout a lot...

The best is when I get butter out of the fridge to soften and DH wanders through 20 minutes later, sees it and puts it back in the fridge. I wander back through after an hour, thinking 'that butter will be ready....' only to find that it's rock hard in the fridge!

I have a cupboardfucker. Instead of stacking the pans/bowls/plates nicely in size order he jams in what he can then leaves the rest on the side.

Do not get me started on the cutlery drawer!

Anyone else out there live with an empty boxfucker? Uses the last tea bag, puts the empty box back in the cupboard and then looks surprised that the box is still empty an hour later?

I have an empty box fucker, if the boxes aren't put back in the cupboard , they are left on the work top waiting to grow legs and walk to the bin.

Anyone else have a BinBlindnessFucker?

He walks PAST the fucking bin to put rubbish on the work top, puts rubbish in the bin the next day! Seriously, why? Just put the rubbish in the in before you go past it

DD2 would call her dad a gadgetgrabbingfucker.

He's a brilliant geek, if the router has gone potty or the computer operating system has crashed big time, he will fix it. If it needs a soldiering iron or the fiddliest of repairs he's brilliant.

However, he is totally impatient with remote controls, smartphones and computer soft wear. He cannot accept that DD2 can work the vile digibox remote better than he can. Nor will he let any of us show him how to use any computer interface, even if we use it everyday.

And most irritatingly of all he can write a custom android kernel to make a tablet jump through hoops and make the tea, but he can't reply to texts.

He spoonyfuckers and nobtwiddles too!

In his defence, I would like to say that every Kenwood branded product I've ever bought has been flimsy crap. So he may not be wholly to blame for busting it.

I have a washing/wastyfucker!
He INSISTS on doing the washing. Sadly he has worked out washing by temperature but NOT by colour! Many a white item is now dirty grey because of it. And don't even get me started on the bloody tumble dryer!!
He is on pain of death to go near ANY of my tiny gorgeous white baby clothes!
He is also a wastyfucker! He constantly leaves little piles of jars and bottles and newspapers all over the kitchen. And even worse, in my bloody kitchen cupboards. You open a door and a huge heap of carrier bags falls on you. Or you can't see out of the window for empty jars!

I wish I had a Spoonyfucker but he is allergic to the kitchen
I just have a Derrenfucker - he thinks he is being nice by plottingpreempting/predicting/ but he is to mindreading what Gove is to education and guaranteed to fuck it up every time.

honey Give us an update on your perm

My DP sympathises Honey because I done exactly the same to our juicer

Who knew that there was a special name for people like me ( everyday's a School day on MN :))- I like stirring things and adding ingredients when DP cooks too, although he doesn't find it amusing.

Poor appliance :(