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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's not ok for a female colleague to texting my husband?

262 replies

WhereIsMyShaow · 15/02/2014 02:41

My dh works in a large company and is the assistant manager of a small team (10ish people), and he has been signed off sick all week as he has tonsillitis.

One of the women on the team sent him a photo of a box of doughnuts saying- look what you're missing out on.

And then saying how much she misses him in work and that it's so quiet without him and he needs to hurry back etc.

Aibu to not like this?

OP posts:
CunningAtBothEnds · 15/02/2014 18:03

ive just eaten 3/5 pack of doughnuts. im gonna eat the other 2...thanks you bunch of dought discussers Angry

everlong · 15/02/2014 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LessMissAbs · 15/02/2014 18:16

Actually OP YANBU. The first part of the text is perfectly fine (about the doughnuts) and a fun sort of remark, very general and non-specific to a workmate who is off sick. Just as everyone on here has said it is.

The second part is completely unnecessary and I would think its flirty because of that, never mind the content: And then saying how much she misses him in work and that it's so quiet without him and he needs to hurry back etc

Nah. That's really sending a message that she misses her flirt buddy in work. Your DH might not be interested, she might flirt with every man, she might be desperate, whatever, but its the second part that makes it slightly inappropriate. Only slightly, but there it is.

What to do about it? Just keep an eye on it I think. She sounds a bit overkeen and desperate and unless she is a stunner or your DH is the easily led type, I don't think you have to worry. There is a certain type of woman that has to send text messages like that to married men, and they do so because they aren't exactly fending men off. I wouldn't worry too much.

AmIthatWintry · 15/02/2014 18:34

lessons learned from MN this afternoon

I don't respect other women Hmm

i can't possibly know what women with a partner are thinking, as I am a sad singleton

oh, and

I'm desperate

....because I send banter-y texts to my friends, some of whom are men

yegods

Viviennemary · 15/02/2014 18:39

She has crossed the line of what is acceptable behaviour towards colleagues. She sounds a bit of a sad person really. IMHO.

I8toys · 15/02/2014 18:41

Another lesson AmI - best be professional with work colleagues at all times just in case.

LessMissAbs · 15/02/2014 18:45

AmIThatWintry because I send banter-y texts to my friends, some of whom are men

Difference being the word "friends". Not work colleagues, about work matters (in this case, sickness absence). If you were good friends with a married man, you would be likely to know their wife too and know whether she was comfortable with bantery texts to her husband or not, no?

AmIthatWintry · 15/02/2014 18:46

Grin and sad too

18toys In a work context we are all consummate professionals. My employer is the largest in the city, therefore it is a foregone conclusion that colleagues will be friends too. Luckily, the OHs of my friends are secure in the fact that my sex/gender has no bearing on me being friends with their husbands/boyfriends

AmIthatWintry · 15/02/2014 18:48

LessMiss, sorry I should have clarified. Some of these are only friends because I have met them through work. And no, I don't know all their wives, they are work friends.

LessMissAbs · 15/02/2014 18:59

I think we must just all be terribly anti-social at the large employers I've worked for AmI. I don't mean that sarcastically, we didn't even have a Christmas lunch at one place.

I have to say I'd feel a bit funny about sending the text the OP described to a married colleague. I might send it if I were single to a man I fancied, whether a work colleague or not, to drop a hint that I liked him. Otherwise, I just wouldn't say all that stuff about missing him, work being quiet when he wasn't there, etc - its just not necessary when its already been said by the photo and the comment about him missing out.

I have a male friend I go to the cinema with quite often, just the two of us. He is in a relationship with my friend. I wouldn't dream of sending him the text the OP describes - its just a bit too flirty and cringeworthy. And yes, I think it sounds a little sad and desperate. What I might do with a male friend in a relationship is send a text remarking on something, a bit like I might send a female friend, so that they can come back with a mutual suggestion to do something about it.

All that "I'm missing you, work is so quite without you" - bleurgh.

sadbodyblue · 15/02/2014 19:07

AmI

don't send flirty texts to married people if you don't know their partners or their general set up as their partners may think that's wierd and inappropriate.

if you know the partner and have that relationship that's fine and different. fun even.

not really difficult stuff here.

what's sad about being single? nothing.

CunningAtBothEnds · 15/02/2014 19:08

4/5 eaten. taken to bath to avoid 5th. dont any of you care?! goddamnut!

Davsmum · 15/02/2014 19:11

I can't see anything 'flirty' in that text!

Its a work colleague. People have relationships with work colleagues and they banter with work colleagues! It doesn't mean there is anything going on or even that the woman even fancies the OP's husband.

Surely there is insecurity in your marriage if a text like that worries you?

If it does worry you then ask your DH if the woman fancies him or if he fancies her.

Not every female who has a laugh with a man is after stealing him!

I8toys · 15/02/2014 19:16

Step away from the donuts Cunning - its for your own good!

AmIthatWintry · 15/02/2014 19:17

Ah but Davsmum I agree, that is not flirty. Anyone that genuinely thinks the text to which OP referred was "flirty" is a bit sad.

Speaking of which "Sadbodyblue" I don't actually think there is anything sad about being single. You were the one who intimated that we singletons wouldn't have a clue about how the poor wee wummin was feeling.

It's not really difficult stuff here to treat other human beings as equals. If one of my friends' partner was so needy and insecure as to post about me tweeting "her man", then FFS, who has the problem here.

I wasn't aware that being married, or living with someone meant they weren't allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. How sad, needy and insecure

sadbodyblue · 15/02/2014 19:18

cunning sounds like a bloody good idea to me. Grin

KatnipEvergreen · 15/02/2014 19:19

The texts are really inappropriate. You just don't do that with a married work colleague.

PiperRose · 15/02/2014 19:19

Sad I don't think that text is flirty, I don't think any of the text my dp or I send are flirty. You and I clearly have very different ideas of what is flirty. Let's leave it there.

I8toys · 15/02/2014 19:22

Am I - let's turn this around if the text is okay and not flirty - so say you were in a relationship - you would be okay with your husband/boyfriend texting a woman at work and saying - I miss you, its quiet without you.

Yes of course your secure self would!!!!

sadbodyblue · 15/02/2014 19:23

AmI really read all of my posts. never said bring single is sad as that's just plain daft.

wummin really?? not worth engaging with that.

you seem very aggressive? needy/insecure yes some people are actually. so best to treat people well I think.

bowing out now.

mercibucket · 15/02/2014 19:25

can you tell us exactly what she said so we can judge?

doughnuts picture sounds quite funny and definitely something we might do at work. rest of it, i withold judgement

but on your thread title, yabvu

FlockOfTwats · 15/02/2014 19:27

I don't know whether YABU or YANBU OP, But...

Can you get him to text back and say "I'll be back at work as soon as my beautiful and attentive wife has stopped taking care of me!"

Do not do this. NEVER EVER EVER do this. Every single person in his office will wet their pants and you will be known by his workmates as the nutter who stands over her husband in a jealous rage making him type out texts to females because she is a paranoid jealous mess.

ViviPru · 15/02/2014 19:28

Well I'd have been firmly in the "male and female colleagues can be friends and text each other in this way without it being suspicious" camp right up until 3 weeks ago. Which was when it turned out my best friend who had zero form left his wife and child for the colleague he'd been having exactly these kinds of exchanges with. Completely out of the blue and without any kind of warning other than the messages.

So while yes that is my specific experience and not necessarily reflective of the OPs situation, I'm of the mind that flirty or not, while the OP shouldn't necessarily jump to conclusions, let's not criticise her for exercising caution.

songlark · 15/02/2014 19:29

I wouldn't like it, I don't think it's her place to be sending texts to men when they're at home with the family. I wonder if she'd like her husband(if she has one) getting texts from women at work. If she does it again I'd be tempted to reply myself saying husband was in bath and left phone with you. Put her in her place in a nice frIendly way.

I8toys · 15/02/2014 19:30

Flockoftwats - it was meant to be tongue in cheek as the thread was getting a little serious! My sense of humour can be taken the wrong way - I apologise.

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