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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it's not ok for a female colleague to texting my husband?

262 replies

WhereIsMyShaow · 15/02/2014 02:41

My dh works in a large company and is the assistant manager of a small team (10ish people), and he has been signed off sick all week as he has tonsillitis.

One of the women on the team sent him a photo of a box of doughnuts saying- look what you're missing out on.

And then saying how much she misses him in work and that it's so quiet without him and he needs to hurry back etc.

Aibu to not like this?

OP posts:

I8toys · 15/02/2014 15:17

Can you get him to text back and say "I'll be back at work as soon as my beautiful and attentive wife has stopped taking care of me!"

sadbodyblue · 15/02/2014 15:23

PiperRose that's great but perhaps the partners of the people you and your dh are texting may not be so pleased.

you do need to tred carefully with other people's feelings. it's not just about how you feel is it? as the op shows.

Thetallesttower · 15/02/2014 15:29

If I got a text from a male colleague suggesting they were missing me and I 'hurry back' I'd think they'd gone bonkers and avoid them in the future. Mine is not a work place in which we all fun text each other and we don't swap mobile nos as a rule unless perhaps a friendship has developed. Depends entirely on the context, in some workplaces this seems fine and fun, in mine it would be inappropriate in the extreme.

It's such a girly attention thing to do though, text a guy some doughnuts with a flirty message, even if it is harmless. Not really career-track stuff.

PiperRose · 15/02/2014 15:30

sad you said that the posters on here who were ok with this are all single, I was pointing out that is not the case.

I have a group of male friends, I have known them since I was 16, all but one are either married or in LTR's I regularly go out drinking with them and am the only female in the party and until last year I was single. I know all of their wives/ partners and not one of them mind me being there. I know this because I trust my friends well enough to tell me if it was causing a problem, and because I trust them to have excellent taste in women and not chose a partner who is controlling or jealous.

PiperRose · 15/02/2014 15:33

I need to know about the donuts. If they were a supermarket own brand I think you're fine, if they were Krispy Kreme's I think you're in trouble.

If it was chocolate brownies I'd be LTB-ing right now!

MBT1987 · 15/02/2014 15:35

You know what? If I didn't get a text from people I worked with saying "Get well soon, we're missing you!", I'd be royally fucked off. I'd assume my coworkers would say "Hey, XXXXXX, MBT's off sick. Can you drop them a text and say we're sparing a thought?".

I wouldn't assume the person designated to send it was trying to sexually groom me, or lead me astray with strategically-placed nipple donuts. Are we really descending in to the sort of society that says "Oh, female coworkers can't text MY husband because reasons!"? What if it was a gay male coworker? Maybe your DH is in the closet because his wife is a horrendous nag that has traumatised him WRT heterosexual relationships?

If your own messed-up world view is such that you can't trust someone you pledged eternal love and honour to, then you should stop the world and get off, before you ruin his life.

If he/she's done this before, then it begs the question of why you're still with him/her. Note that I address that as "that particular person you are with now", not "Dave from Year 10 who copped off with Sheila behind the bike sheds during breaktime 2 days after you did". Judge people on their own merits.

I8toys · 15/02/2014 15:40

Sending a message saying "get you arse back cos I'm doing all your work you lazy git" is different to saying "hurry back, I miss you and its so quiet without you!"

sadbodyblue · 15/02/2014 15:49

piper

no I didn't say every poster who thought this was ok was single I was pointing out those ones who stated they were single also said they were fine with it.

also I added its about context. obviously as you all know each other and are fine with this that's great.

however that's your experience which is obviously utterly different to the ops!

you judge the post as it is not yiur experiences if something totally different.

sadbodyblue · 15/02/2014 15:50

18Toys well exactly.

RandallFloyd · 15/02/2014 16:02

All I will say is OP, ignore all the posters clamouring over each other in a bizarre bid to be the most insulting. It seems to be the thing on here at the moment, especially in AIBU.

Don't ignore your gut. If it's telling you something is amiss then listen to it. Talk to your DH. It may be that it's absolutely nothing but never bypass your instincts.

pandarific · 15/02/2014 16:02

It seems fine - normal behaviour for colleagues in a team (unless there's some sort of dramatic backstory you haven't posted). YABU.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/02/2014 16:03

18Toys... Can you get him to text back and say "I'll be back at work as soon as my beautiful and attentive wife has stopped taking care of me!"

You'd really 'get' your husband to do this? Nauseating in the extreme and would never not seem coerced by the wife.

I8toys · 15/02/2014 16:05

OMFG - it was meant to try and lighten a topic that has got rather insulting to the OP. It wasn't a serious suggestion.

OP - I agree Randall. Just talk to him if you are worried about it.

PiperRose · 15/02/2014 16:07

"I think it's unhelpful for people to say that they get texts and emails from work colleagues of the opposite sex so it's fine for this woman to do it to ops dh.

it really depends on if this woman has form for flirting? if ops dh has form? did he show her the text? it's all about context.

for what it's worth I never trust anyone 100% to not be tempted to play away and affairs of erm start with friendly banter. of course most of this never goes the whole way to an affair but some do.

posters saying they trust their partners 100% are either complaisant, innocent or just haven't found out yet.

if you are totally complacent you are vulnerable. both partners.

nowt wrong with a bit of jealousy."

Sad I think you're the one judging this on their experience, which I take from this post was absolutely awful, and I'm sorry for that, but I would like people are inherently good unless they give me good reason.

MBT1987 · 15/02/2014 16:08

But if we all started communicating with our partners, we'd have nothing to bitch about on here. Then what would we do (aside from having wonderfully happy, sweet, and sexlove-filled lives, obviously)?

pigletmania · 15/02/2014 16:14

Yabvu innocent banter, you sound a bit jealous

sadbodyblue · 15/02/2014 16:25

piper I have been happily married to my dh for 25 years and as far as I know we have both been faithful.

however I was merely pointing out that people do have affairs, often with co workers and I know many who have.

I used to work in a hospital and it would curl your hair to realise who was shagging who were all apparently happily married.

the op is worried. she needs to talk to her dh and seek reassurance.

you shared the fact that you and your dh send flirty texts to other couples and that's fine but that is not the ops experience and that's why she's worried.

I have not posted from my own life experiences but from the view that I understand the ops anxiety and that people do need to be aware if their own feelings and consequences of their actions.

i miss you hurry back is very different to hope you feel better soon as I am fed up if doing your job*

surely anyone can see that.

sadbodyblue · 15/02/2014 16:28

to add I too hope people are generally inherently good but having reached 50 now i also have a healthy dose of cynicism.

PiperRose · 15/02/2014 16:30

I was going to say that I didn't want to highjack this thread with a slanging match, but congrats you got me.

Where have I said that my partner and I send flirty texts to other couples?

MBT1987 · 15/02/2014 16:48

sadbodyblue, there's a difference between a healthy dose of cynicism, and a Hercules C-130 loaded with it. It's perfectly normal to say "Some people are going to cheat regardless, and some may cheat due to relationship issues", but saying "I never trust anyone 100% not to cheat" is just ridiculous. Your husband must be a saint to put up with that sort of suspicion constantly.

I do not, in any sense, think the texts sent by Miss Donut are flirty. If she's got his phone number, she'll have texted on behalf of the team to say "We miss you, get well soon!". And too bloody right they should say that! Not only is he their management, if he's their point of contact and organisation, he'll be spending a lot of time around those people, and most likely be their friend.

In the OP's situation, if I had a DP who got those sorts of messages from a work colleague, I'd think "Damn, even though he's their boss, they're still lovely to him. I picked a good'un", followed by lots of (as long as DP wasn't contagious) smooching and a smile.

If there's a back-story, we haven't been given it, and it's naive to assume there is one - if OP wanted support for her cause so badly, and there was a back-story that would help with that, by God, she'd have given it.

"Am I being unreasonable?" - As it stands, yes. Yes, you are. If you've got actual tangible proof to change our minds, by all means, go for it. Until then, this sort of suspicion is just going to drive a wedge between you and your DH, and if you can't talk about it with him, then you're going to make an ex-DP out of him soon enough.

Now, I'm going back to my lazy Sunday afternoon of fancy beers and Doctor Who. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome to.

TiggyCBE · 15/02/2014 16:49

I believe, if a man is spectacularly proportioned in the 'éclair department', slipping a few ring doughnuts on it makes it more comfortable for the lady.

I8toys · 15/02/2014 16:54

Damn it TiggyCBE I want a cream filled éclair right now!!!!

TiggyCBE · 15/02/2014 17:06

I wouldn't say no to an iced finger.

sadbodyblue · 15/02/2014 17:18

piper as you posted that you are in a LTR and neither you or your partner would mind the other receiving a text like this then I assumed you both sent and received such personal texts yourselves or how else would you know?

I don't do bun fights. not sure what they are but have been in mumsnet far too long and am sadly far too old to take any comments personally.

I certainly hope you didn't think I was being personal as I totally redirect your views even if I disagree.

sadbodyblue · 15/02/2014 17:19

not redirect but respect.

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