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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's not ok for a female colleague to texting my husband?

262 replies

WhereIsMyShaow · 15/02/2014 02:41

My dh works in a large company and is the assistant manager of a small team (10ish people), and he has been signed off sick all week as he has tonsillitis.

One of the women on the team sent him a photo of a box of doughnuts saying- look what you're missing out on.

And then saying how much she misses him in work and that it's so quiet without him and he needs to hurry back etc.

Aibu to not like this?

OP posts:
Morgause · 15/02/2014 06:49

Can't see that she did anything wrong.

YABU

TidyDancer · 15/02/2014 06:53

I'm not seeing anything wrong with those texts. Is there a backstory to this?

It just sounds like friendly banter to me.

ZingSweetApple · 15/02/2014 07:00

how do you even know about the text?

I never look at DH's mobile, unless he wants to show me some funny texts or photos.
(and even then I don't really care coz I don't like being disturb when I'm on MN! Grin )

I think it was just to cheer him up and wouldn't worry.
unless the box of donuts were placed on her naked body.

so YABU

RedFocus · 15/02/2014 07:02

I agree with fatnotfit.
My husband gets texts like these all the when he's on leave but luckily they are from his male colleagues as he doesn't work with any women. I call them his work husbands Wink

DrankSangriaInThePark · 15/02/2014 07:14

Did he show you the text?

Or did you find it?

Would you be similarly suspicious about a male colleague texting him?

I really don't get all this current "female person texting male person, hold the front page!" stuff. I work with a bloke called Dave. (really, and he's from Burnley, but as far as I know, not in possession of a truck) and because he's a right laugh, I must get about 50 texts a week from him. Which usually make me snort out loud on the train on the way home.

Then I tell dp what Dave had to say.

But that's because Dave doesn't fancy me, I don't fancy Dave, and dp isn't jealous and paranoid. Even if he were, and got weird and thought Dave was inappropriate, I'd tell him to stop being a paranoid arse.

Similarly, a single female friend of mine is always chatting on FB threads with a bloke she works with. He is married, she isn't. It is allowed.

HighlanderMam · 15/02/2014 07:16

There are a few questions that pop to mind.

Why does this work mate have his personal mobile number to start with?

What was the exact wording of the message?

Has this woman shown form for being a flirt previously in some way?

Do you trust your husband?

From what you've written, the 'look what your missing out on donut pic' - I'd not be bothered. The whole pining, 'oh I miss you, it's so quiet hurry back' - I'd say was over friendly.

HighlanderMam · 15/02/2014 07:18

Oh, and yanbu to not like it. You feel how you feel and that it fair enough.

It's what you do and how you rationalise it that makes you unreasonable or not.

HighlanderMam · 15/02/2014 07:21

*that is fair enough..

HicDraconis · 15/02/2014 07:24

I send texts to my colleagues all the time. Mostly "are you free for 5 minutes, I need a loo break!" type messages, but a couple of them I get on better with and send chatty type messages. I'm the only female in a dept of 12, should I stop?

YABU and insecure, unless there is some kind of history or backstory which would have alarm bells ringing.

EauRouge · 15/02/2014 07:30

It wouldn't bother me. Without the exact wording it's hard to say but it sounds like she's just worried about him.

hickorychicken · 15/02/2014 07:34

YANBU i was on the verge of having an EA a few years ago with a male colleague and those are the kind of texts it started with. I nipped it in the bud but it could easily progress. The picture of the donuts was just an excuse to text him.

RubyrooUK · 15/02/2014 07:35

As others have said, it's all about context. My colleagues and I frequently text each other. If someone was ill, we would text them to make them smile and wish them well. I might say "come back soon, it's too quiet and we are missing you!"

I can't think of a single occasion that any employee of mine has been off for a whole week either, so I would probably consider that they must feel really ill and send a couple of texts.

My husband's team would do the same. So unless you have other suspicions or worries, this alone wouldn't upset me.

chrome100 · 15/02/2014 07:51

Whaaaat? It's just a text. YABU (and jealous).

louwn · 15/02/2014 08:13

Have I missed something, are men and women not allowed to be friends? I'm married and one of my best friends at work is a bloke. He texted me a photo of himself wearing a silly costume the other day and we joke calling each other 'work husband and wife'. My husband knows all about it and has no problem with ir at all - why are several of you married to people you can't trust?!

MrsBungle · 15/02/2014 08:17

Wouldn't bother me. Don't you trust your dh? Just sounds like work-colleague banter to me.

littlewhitebag · 15/02/2014 08:18

I can't see the problem with this at all. At work we all have each other's personal numbers and any of us would be glad to receive a text from a colleague, male or female when off unwell. She just sounds like she is trying to be friendly. Males are allowed females friends in work. It does not mean they are having an affair.

BlueDesmarais · 15/02/2014 08:19

Donuts sounds normal, but 'I miss you' and hurry back is weird. If I had a male colleague texting me that I'd be handing the info to management.

takingthathometomomma · 15/02/2014 08:20

It depends on your relationship and whether he usually has female friends or not. It wouldn't bother me now, but it would have a few years ago when our relationship was more rocky.
It sounds to me like she was just being friendly.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 15/02/2014 08:23

And what was your dh response

AwfulMaureen · 15/02/2014 08:24

I wouldn't mind if it were a fun text...my DH and I both have friends of the opposite sex. Do you have reason to mistrust him?

ElenorRigby · 15/02/2014 08:25

YANBU she needs to keep her bloomin donuts to herself.

hercules1 · 15/02/2014 08:27

Dh has lots of female work colleagues he exchanges texts with. He floss get texts along similar line all the time. Never thought anything of it and rarely see them anyway. Would be v annoyed if he read my texts tbh.
Yabu unless you have a reason not to trust him.

feelingvunerable · 15/02/2014 08:27

I think the op is getting a hard time on here.

Plenty of affairs are started/carried out this way and I speak from experience.

It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks,if it makes you feel uncomfortable then it's wrong.

The don ought thing would be fine with me the other part I wouldn't like as it over steps a line to me.
I would speak to your husband calmly and tell him how you feel.

maddening · 15/02/2014 08:41

another one fine about the donuts picture - similar texts been sent from colleagues to absent colleagues when treats have been brought in.

the wording is a bit weird yes - that's what would upset me.

FriendlyLadybird · 15/02/2014 08:47

Yabu for saying a female colleague shouldn't text your husband.
Yanbu for feeling uncomfortable - they're your feelings and you can't help them.

Whether yabu about this particular text depends on lots of things that you haven't yet told us:
How you saw the text
The exact wording
Whether this is a one-off or part of a series