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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's not ok for a female colleague to texting my husband?

262 replies

WhereIsMyShaow · 15/02/2014 02:41

My dh works in a large company and is the assistant manager of a small team (10ish people), and he has been signed off sick all week as he has tonsillitis.

One of the women on the team sent him a photo of a box of doughnuts saying- look what you're missing out on.

And then saying how much she misses him in work and that it's so quiet without him and he needs to hurry back etc.

Aibu to not like this?

OP posts:
sadbodyblue · 15/02/2014 11:27

I think it's unhelpful for people to say that they get texts and emails from work colleagues of the opposite sex so it's fine for this woman to do it to ops dh.

it really depends on if this woman has form for flirting? if ops dh has form? did he show her the text? it's all about context.

for what it's worth I never trust anyone 100% to not be tempted to play away and affairs of erm start with friendly banter. of course most of this never goes the whole way to an affair but some do.

posters saying they trust their partners 100% are either complaisant, innocent or just haven't found out yet.

if you are totally complacent you are vulnerable. both partners.

nowt wrong with a bit of jealousy.

vaseoftulips · 15/02/2014 11:35

How nice that someone in work actually cares. If I dropped down dead in my office everyone would probably step over me to get out of the door.

You are either overthinking this or don't trust your DH.

zipfork · 15/02/2014 11:36

It's unsettling because it implies there could possibly be a female colleague at his work who's secretly a little bit in love with him, sitting at her desk missing for him and wanting any excuse for little contacts to brighten up her day.

Equally there could just be a colleague there who's a friend who would laugh hysterically at the idea of getting together with the OP's dh. It also doesn't tell you anything about his view of her either, so I wouldn't worry intensely about it.

I think that's why it's unsettling though. It takes two people for an affair to start, and it's not a nice thought that half of what you need for the foundations of an affair (the colleague with secret feelings) might be there even if the dh hasn't even noticed!

It's so vague though, and no one has actually done anything wrong. All the texts do is hint at a possibility of a lovesick colleague. If you're worried you can keep an discreet eye out to see if there are loads more texts, but there's nothing you can say without looking like a jealous loon.

WhereIsMyHat · 15/02/2014 11:38

If it was a male colleague, would you care?

sadbodyblue · 15/02/2014 11:39

VaseOfTulips sure that's not true Flowers

StopSquabbling · 15/02/2014 11:41

I work in a team of men and get many texts from them.

YABU.

ItsAFuckingVase · 15/02/2014 11:41

Highlander Man

Not necessarily - I don't talk about all my mates to my DH, and I doubt he'd have a clue who I text or who texts me, unless he sees me laughing at a text and might ask me to share it.

Aside from that, there are 65 of us in my department. I have mobile numbers for most and most of them have mine, just incase we need them for anything, and we occasionally text each other hello if we haven't seen each other for a little while, even if we aren't mates as such.

It isn't text messages that start affairs. Its interaction full stop. Does that mean we shouldn't interact with other people just incase we can't control ourselves? Its ridiculous!

OddBoots · 15/02/2014 11:44

They are the kinds of texts I'd send to my boss if she were off sick and I don't fancy her at all.

HighlanderMam · 15/02/2014 11:44

I agree sadbodyblue.

It is unhelpful and besides the point really whether anyone else is comfortable with their other halves doing the same. They have all the facts they need to know how they feel in their case.

My other half would never get a text from a female employee at his work because his place of employment would never expect employees to use their own phones for communication that needs to take place at work.

He also isn't 'friends' with any of the women at his work, if he became friends with one of them I would know because we talk about our days, what happened, what amused us, what pissed us off etc.

It's besides the point because in my case my other half isn't really interested in being friends with most of the people he works with. He has proper friends that he chooses to be friends with because he likes them, not because he happens to work with them. That's just him though.

ItsAFuckingVase · 15/02/2014 11:46

SadBodyBlue

Actually, I trust my DH to speak to whoever the hell he wants as he's an adult and can make his own decisions. If he's going to have an affair then he's going to have an affair. He might feel a spark with someone at work, or someone he meets on a night out, or someone he speaks to at the supermarket. That isn't me being complacent, its me not trying to control things that are frankly beyond my control.

sadbodyblue · 15/02/2014 11:47

exactly, context is all.

HighlanderMam · 15/02/2014 11:48

ItsAFuckingVase

Not necessarily - I don't talk about all my mates to my DH, and I doubt he'd have a clue who I text or who texts me, unless he sees me laughing at a text and might ask me to share it.

Aside from that, there are 65 of us in my department. I have mobile numbers for most and most of them have mine, just incase we need them for anything, and we occasionally text each other hello if we haven't seen each other for a little while, even if we aren't mates as such.

This ^ is all about you though, not the OP. Like I said before, it could easily be innocent, it could easily not.

ItsAFuckingVase · 15/02/2014 11:48

Aaaargh! I'm not friends with people I work with just because I happen to work with them!!!!! I count myself lucky that I've made friends with them and get to spend my working day having fun with friends. I do have other friends, but I don't differentiate between them.

TiggyCBE · 15/02/2014 11:51

YABU.

ItsAFuckingVase · 15/02/2014 11:51

No, Highlander Man you're right.

OP clearly this woman is chasing after your husband and he is going to be so utterly flattered that an affair will soon commence, if it hasn't already as there is no reason at all in the world for a man and woman who happen to work together and may or may not be friends to ever text each other.

Hmm

All anybody can do on mumsnet is give an opinion, and that will often be based on their own experience or a shared experience as we just don't generally have enough information to give an absolute answer.

sadbodyblue · 15/02/2014 11:51

ItsAFuckingVase

yes of course but the op is aware of the text and is uncomfortable with it. it's probably innocent on her ops behalf and in the woman's but it equally might be a little root to something that would hurt ops marriage.

now she knows she can chat to her dh about this woman and just keep a weather eye on things.

there's nothing wrong in striving to protect those you love from either being harmed or harming you.

HighlanderMam · 15/02/2014 11:54

ItsAFuckingVase

Do chill your beans, stop getting all worked up, it hurts my eyes when people use too many exclamation marks.

Again when I said -

It's besides the point because in my case my other half isn't really interested in being friends with most of the people he works with. He has proper friends that he chooses to be friends with because he likes them, not because he happens to work with them. That's just him though.

I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about my other half.

It's not all about you.

Are you always so me me me about everything?

HighlanderMam · 15/02/2014 11:56

ItsAFuckingVase

What is this all about?

OP clearly this woman is chasing after your husband and he is going to be so utterly flattered that an affair will soon commence, if it hasn't already as there is no reason at all in the world for a man and woman who happen to work together and may or may not be friends to ever text each other.

Who said that? Are you always such a drama?

sadbodyblue · 15/02/2014 11:56

op clearly this woman is chasing after your husband and an affair will commence

see that's just daft and noone has said that at all.

some of us have just said the ops feelings are valid. of course they are. and that although the text is probably innocent forewarned is forearmed.

people do have affairs you know, even those whose partners trust them 100%.

sadbodyblue · 15/02/2014 11:58

HighlanderMam exactly so.

honeybunny14 · 15/02/2014 11:59

The missing him bit would bother me so yanbu

RedToothBrush · 15/02/2014 12:04

FFS Its ruddy doughnuts!

Sorry, but I think you are massively insecure and clearly want your DH to have shitty cold relationships with the people he works with and not be friends with them.

Would I have a problem with DH getting doughnut texts? No.
Would I think it flirty if a male colleague sent me doughnut texts and said the office was boring or quiet without me? No.

Its nice to have good relationships with both male and female colleagues and office banter and saying the office is shit without someone is pretty normal to me.

I REALLY don't get all the insecurities and suspiciousness of women to this.

ITS DOUGHNUTS AND THEY ARE NICE AND HAHAHAHA I'M EATING YOURS!!!!

Oblomov · 15/02/2014 12:07

OP?

TiggyCBE · 15/02/2014 12:08

I bet they hide in the stationery cupboard, get naked, and rub each other with doughnuts.

HighlanderMam · 15/02/2014 12:09

OP needs to return and give more details for us to be able to help/advise/judge further.

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