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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's not ok for a female colleague to texting my husband?

262 replies

WhereIsMyShaow · 15/02/2014 02:41

My dh works in a large company and is the assistant manager of a small team (10ish people), and he has been signed off sick all week as he has tonsillitis.

One of the women on the team sent him a photo of a box of doughnuts saying- look what you're missing out on.

And then saying how much she misses him in work and that it's so quiet without him and he needs to hurry back etc.

Aibu to not like this?

OP posts:
woollytights · 15/02/2014 08:56

I think its perfectly normal to be a bit pissed off about another woman texting your husband things like that. It doesn't make you any less of a person. It doesn't mean you assume they're having an affair or that you have jealousy issues. Anyone who genuinely wouldn't even slightly care is probably the exception to the rule in the real world.

MrsSchadenfreude · 15/02/2014 09:18

YABU.

MrsAMerrick · 15/02/2014 09:19

YABU unless you have good reason not to trust him. I work in a mixed team, we quite often send each other texts if that person isn't in work, quite often of a light hearted nature. It's part of office banter.

Highlandmum why is it not ok to have colleagues personal mobike numbers? We don't have work mobiles in our team but most of us have each other's personal numbers because we might be meeting somewhere to carry out a joint visit and need to let a colleague know if we're running late.

If the texts were from a male colleague, would you be worried? Tbh, you sound quite insecure op.

harticus · 15/02/2014 09:21

YABU.
And this is why relationships falter - because something innocuous happens like a text from a colleague and the green eyed monster turns up.

How did you find out about the text in the first place?

TawdryTatou · 15/02/2014 09:43

My alarm bells would ring.

Sorry, but they would. Been there, done that, and that is often how it starts.

Cat98 · 15/02/2014 09:56

Yanbu

PiperRose · 15/02/2014 09:59

You are being completely unreasonable. Unless the photo was of the donuts placed strategically on her naked body then this sounds like a friendly text between colleagues

Ask yourself this, if the text worded exactly the same but from a male colleague, would you think he was trying to hit on your husband?

Also, we really need to know how you know about the text. In my opinion if he volunteered the information you really have ABSOLUTELY nothing to worry about. If you're snooping about on his phone you have bigger problems than this one text.

hercules1 · 15/02/2014 10:02

"Unless the photo was of the donuts placed strategically on her naked body" - now that would be a great drip feed!

JohnFarleysRuskin · 15/02/2014 10:04

She's a weirdo to miss her boss.

Isn't it good times when the boss is away or have things changed?

PiperRose · 15/02/2014 10:18

Actually I've just received the following two texts from my female work colleague (ok we're friends as well, but still)

"I heart you" & "I miss your face, when can I see you? X"

I've just shown them to my DP. He's not worried I'm a raging lesbian but wants to know if he can join in.

caruthers · 15/02/2014 10:24

Looks like he's got friends at work.

The sex of those friends is inconsequential, good for him.

manicinsomniac · 15/02/2014 10:26

Eek, I have nearly all my colleagues mobile numbers and use most of them. My 3 closest friends at work are all married men and I'm single. I really hope their wives don't think of me like so many of you would. I really don't think it's bad to have married men as close friends. is it? (have no experience of long term relationships myself so can't say how I'd feel myself.) I've never had any vibes that it's a problem.

I can easily see myself sending any or all of those texts. In fact I probably send far more familiar ones than that.

FreudiansSlipper · 15/02/2014 10:28

he is not your property

its a text nothing more

if there were many texts similar between them then you need to be suspicious of your husband but otherwise stop being so possessive

harriet247 · 15/02/2014 10:59

My dp is fruends with 3 of his staff who are women, it does irritate me when they text back and forth outside of work because hes such a workaholic anyway that i dont want it encroaching on our time together.
I do think it sounds like she has a tiny crush on him (alot of experience here of watching colleagues having affairs etc and it usually starts out like that. But im sure your dp is happy with you,thats why he didnt hide it

Blueandwhitelover · 15/02/2014 10:59

I wouldn't think anything of it really unless there is a back story. I texted the guy I work with when he was off sick and ended the text with miss you luv u lots. However, I am confident that had his wife seen the text, she would have seen it as a friend expressing concern for another friend.
I spend eight hours a day with my colleague, we 'parent and teach' 25 children together, we do spend a lot of our 'free time' talking and the nature of the job means we have some quite personal conversations. He knows what goes on in my life, I know what goes on in his. Most days I spend more awake time with him than with DH.
I'm also 100 per cent certain we would both run screaming for the hills if the other one interpreted the friendship as anything more.
I think you should stop worrying unless you have ever had cause to worry before.

harriet247 · 15/02/2014 10:59

My dp is fruends with 3 of his staff who are women, it does irritate me when they text back and forth outside of work because hes such a workaholic anyway that i dont want it encroaching on our time together.
I do think it sounds like she has a tiny crush on him (alot of experience here of watching colleagues having affairs etc and it usually starts out like that. But im sure your dp is happy with you,thats why he didnt hide it

itsbetterthanabox · 15/02/2014 11:01

Me and my work friend text each other like this. We are friends! I empathise but yabu

HappyMummyOfOne · 15/02/2014 11:08

YABVU, is he not allowed to have friends. Its much nicer to work somewhere where people get along and have a laugh. Most people i know text work colleagues, why would it be unnaceptable?

I had a few send through pictures after missing the bake off competition, i doubt they were all secret code for anything!

ZingSweetApple · 15/02/2014 11:08

piper

Grin
HighlanderMam · 15/02/2014 11:09

MrsAMerrick

I didn't say it's not 'okay' to have workmates personal mobile numbers.

I simply asked 'why?'.

In many jobs there is no need to exchange personal mobile numbers with employees who work under you. Unless you want them to have it.

There is too much stuff in this scenario we don't know to be able tell either way whether this is innocent or not. It could easily be innocent, it could easily not.

OP doesn't like it, her feelings are valid either way.

MrsCosmopilite · 15/02/2014 11:15

I don't think this sounds as though there is anything to worry about unless your DP has form, OP. However, I can appreciate that you may not be comfortable. I would be tempted to turn the tables and consider the following:

  1. Would you be comfortable if the text had been sent from one woman to another? E.g. if a friend had sent it to you?
  2. Would you be comfortable if the text had been sent from a male colleague?
  3. Would your DP be comfortable if you'd received the text from male colleague?
ItsAFuckingVase · 15/02/2014 11:17

YABU!

I really don't get this thinking on mumsnet that people shouldn't be friends with people of the opposite sex or people they work with!! And as for someone being puzzled as to why colleagues would have personal numbers, I'm mates with loads of people I work with as I'm generally a pretty friendly person and we all socialise outside of work - hard to do if we never speak to each other.

Sounds like friendly banter to me, unless as someone said, she has sent a picture of the donuts american beauty style.

dementedma · 15/02/2014 11:18

I love these threads. My dp got a text from someone....must be an affair, leave the bastard.
Did you look at his phone,check his texts?
Is he allowed to communicate with anyone at all?

I get texts and emails from my boss and miss him when he's not in work. We are both happily married to other people - over 25 years in each case -and don't fancy each other in the slightest. Trust me! But we are friends. Its allowed.

Timetoask · 15/02/2014 11:22

I wouldn't mind the picture of the box of chocs saying "look what you're missing", but I think the other text saying that she is missing him and hurry back is overfamiliar.
I would be fuming!
Sorry, but there needs to be a boundary in work relationships.

HighlanderMam · 15/02/2014 11:23

ItsAFuckingVase

It's not that people 'shouldn't be friends with those of the opposite sex'.

I guess that's the point I think needs clarifying, if you are mates and socialise outside of work, that's a fair reason to have personal mobile numbers of your work colleagues.

Is this woman a friend of her husband? Has she heard of her before? Surely if they are friends he will have spoken of this woman before.

Too many questions unanswered.