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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

999 replies

BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 18:45

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Mycatistoosexy · 15/02/2014 04:31

I hate threads like these. Like a thick soup of guilt and desperation for validation.

echt · 15/02/2014 04:39

"I think I know what you mean op, and at 9 months and when they start to move is when they get more ...interesting shall we say and challenging...! Thats the age the baby is handed over! "

Idratherplay that "handed over" says volumes about your rather patronising view of WHOMs.

Sharaluck women on maternity leave also experience the loss of independence. Look on the Employment threads on MN for the number of women who get shafted by their employers while away.

OP You're overthinking this. Your post says "seems' and "imply", so nothing definite said, and you're inferring it They haven't said (if they've said anything at all) that they know what your life is like, only shared their perfectly valid experience of their own.

Sharaluck · 15/02/2014 05:02

Sometimes I think mums on maternity leave often take their job/income security for granted.

I hear comments like 'my baby will now come before work', mums expect flexible hours/part time role changes etc.

I think a mum who has stayed in the same job for several years before having children has already 'proved' themselves and can relax to some extent about their position more.

For me personally when I go back 'properly' into the workforce it will be a full time job, dcs will have to come second as I will need to commit myself fully and will need to prove myself before I can start to ask about flexible working options etc. So there will be added pressures of ensuring full childcare (including emergency childcare).

As someone up thread said, I too envy the security that some wohms seem to have with regard to their future work opportunities.

OhMerGerd · 15/02/2014 05:16

If you're referring to the bit about SAH that involves raising children, sharing a life with a partner and running a home having hobbies, friends etc ... yes yabu ..of course we have an insight into what being SAHM involves. We SAH approx a third of the time what with Maternity leave, weekends, holidays etc.
If you're talking about the bit of being a SAHM that refers to loss of security, independence and sense of personal satisfaction/ achievement that earning your own living brings ... then no YANBU. I really cannot imagine what being a dependent is like but I do think it must be very hard and quite scary.

PlainBrownEnvelope · 15/02/2014 05:30

I was going to say YABU but now I understand that you're talking about the intangibles (self-perception, perception of others, lack of peers) rather than the day to day stuff (crying, tantrums, mess), I'm bordering on YANBU.

On the broken leg analogy, I did break my foot recently. It gave me a good insight into some of the practical challenges of being disabled (which was helpful for my job as I'm a funder in the 3rd sector), but I still don't know what it's like to be disabled because my frustration at not being able to get onto the (allegedly accessible) bus was tempered by the fact that I knew in 2 weeks I'd be out of my cast.

differentnameforthis · 15/02/2014 06:17

Well I worked for 8 weeks after my maternity leave, so I am pretty sure that qualifies me to say that I know what it is like to be a working mum. I remember how it felt to have to rush around doing it all, seeing my dd for a no more than an hour after work before it was her bedtime. Not being happy that the childminder knew her better than I did, using my weekend to get the house straight & so missing out on time with her.

It is long enough to get a good idea of what happens & how it makes you feel. 9mths is ample time to understand what a SAHP does.

There is no competition or awards for parenting, op. Just because they know how being at home full-time works, it doesn't make what you are doing any less important, or what they do any better.

We are all trying to raise our families the best we can, with what we have & what we know.

I don't understand why it irritates you. Now, if you have 7 children & they have one...you might have a point.

differentnameforthis · 15/02/2014 06:25

I think being a SAHM is definitely a lot simpler.

I don't think it is simpler...just different.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 15/02/2014 06:43

Has anyone actually said that being in maternity leave is "the same" as being a SAHM?
Because I have read things like "insight into", "similar experiences" etc and in your OP all you say is that these women "seem to imply" that they know what it's like to be a SAHM.
Now the predictable thing has happened and there's bickering and discontent between sahms and non -.sahms.
So your subequent back peddling and modesty seems disingenuous. It is not reasonable to be irritated by these women. Not is it reasonable to ignite yet another SAHP/ WOHP bate and then claim that wasn't your intention. Some of your comments were guaranteed to make people feel hurt and defensive.
And I agree with who've said that "puzzled" is a bloody irritating passive aggressive term when used in this context.

Lj8893 · 15/02/2014 06:51

It may have already been said but....

I'm on ML, but am not going back to my job. So what does that make me? In limbo?

oliviaoctopus · 15/02/2014 06:53

Its the same as sahms who say they know what its like to be a proper working mum as they had a job before ahahaha err no you dont Hmm

TheRealAmandaClarke · 15/02/2014 06:54

bate = debate. Sorry.

oliviaoctopus · 15/02/2014 06:57

Also 9 months old + arent really that challenging. I never find children are as hard to deal with as sahms make out on these threads. It really isnt that hard. Its not like being down a mine or anything!

nooka · 15/02/2014 07:08

I have had three periods of staying at home and mumming, two short maternity leaves and six months when I couldn't work when my children were much older. Plus I've watched dh stay at home dadding for a few years here and there. So I feel I have enough insight into what being a stay at home parent is like to know it's not for me. I've also looked after my children and our home for long enough to understand what that entails on a day to day basis. Which I expect is all the OPs friends were implying. As I am rubbish at the stay at home bit I can empathise with the limitations and frustrations of that life, but not with how enjoyable/ rewarding it might be, because for me it wasn't.

I also know what it's like to be a single mum as when dh and I split up I was a single mum for half the week. But I can only really understand what my own experience was like, and I know it wasn't very typical. I'd still express some empathy with 'real' single parents as we have some shared experiences. I'd be a bit surprised if they got uppity that I did so on the grounds that dh and I were still jointly parenting, just from two homes so didn't really count. Very odd.

Joysmum · 15/02/2014 07:11

How can maternity leave be the same?

You get maternity pay
You have a job and career to go back to
You have an ongoing works pension
You are on meternity 'leave' not without paid work

oliviaoctopus · 15/02/2014 07:13

Well thats your choice joy. I wouldnt ever put myself in a position where I had no paid work at all, but I like earning my own money. Everyone could have some job if they wanted to. There are always ways around doing some work if you are quite hard working.

roweeena · 15/02/2014 07:20

Bark - i've not read tge whole thread be you sound very bitter, hugely judgemental and slightly pompous

pianodoodle · 15/02/2014 07:30

Yawn at all the post trying to put forth arguments as to which job is harder.

Do men carry on like this regarding what they do day to day? It's really quite sad seeing women trying to undermine each other like that.

pianodoodle · 15/02/2014 07:32

Oh, and things like "It's your decision but personally I couldn't blah blah blah" is just as transparently critical as if you'd said "your way is wrong" Grin

MrsBungle · 15/02/2014 07:41

I can see that the mentality is different in that the mat leave mum has a job to go back to and the sahm doesn't but the day-to-day routine and activities are likely to be the same.

I've had 2 mat leaves of over a year each. First one piece of piss with one easy baby - the second one harder with a three year old and a baby. I work part time and so 2 days a week I stay at home with the youngest and, again, I'm sure my routines on those days are the same as a sahm but the mentality of it is very different because I have a job - I do get that.

wordfactory · 15/02/2014 07:59

I think one of the main issues that always comes up in these threads is the idea that if a parent works they're not raising their DC.

First, I'd be interested to know if those with that view believe their husbands are not raising their own DC. And is that how their DH feels? I'd be surprised if they did.

Second, it assumes that raising a child is actually to do with nappy changing and cooking and cleaning. But I question that. Does a disabled SAHM not raise her child because she can't change nappies or taxi her kids? Does a Dad with a cleaner not raise his child?

Surely raising a child isn't about who irons their clothes, but about who takes responsibility for them. Who provides for them? Who plans for them? Who is constantly considering their wellbeing?

This is what being a parent is about. And this is usually the hardest part and weighs far more heavily than considerations over packed lunches.

LCHammer · 15/02/2014 08:00

If you make a 'proactive decision' to SAH then you will be thinking 'this is the rest of my life' and trying to make the best of it. I imagine you'll be thinking and re-evaluating along time. Much as when working you'll be Re-evaluating your options and whether to go p/t, go for a promotion, move somewhere closer to home etc. I don't understand the dichotomy.

MorningTimes · 15/02/2014 08:03

One of the big differences is the reply to the question "What do you do?".

Saying "I'm at home with the children" feels a lot more disheartening (to me) than talking about your profession. I always tempted to justify myself by saying "This is what I did before" but I bite my tongue because I know I shouldn't have to say it.

I've also heard conversations amongst mothers on maternity, at playgroup, along the lines of "I need to go back to work, do something with my brain, I'd go mad of I was just a mum" etc.

It's like the difference between someone going to a particular destination for a holiday & someone who lives there all year round.

tiredbutstillsmiling · 15/02/2014 08:04

I had 10 months off to have DD & will have same with my next DC. I was a SAHM during that time. What else would I have been? I wasn't teaching, I was staying at home taking care of DD & "running" the home. What do you differently to what I did? Not being argumentative, just interested why you think your experiences are different apart from you do if for an extended period an I did it for 10 months.

Original poster
BarkWorseThanBite · 15/02/2014 08:08

macdoodle Fri 14-Feb-14 20:55:51
"I suppose I think being a SAHM is about making a proactive decision to raise your children yourself"
Come on you said this, what did you mean by it then? The implication is that your choice is the better one?

It is a better decision for ME Macdoodle It does not mean it would be the best choice for you

OP posts:
LCHammer · 15/02/2014 08:10

There was a point made about volunteering or commiting to things if you know you'll SAH. I don't do it because I don't have the time, that's pretty straightforward. Also I don't feel the need to commit to volunteering or other community stuff because I don't need the companionship this would provide. I can imagine this would be more important if you had to make it part of your 'proactive choice' about your life. Or have I read this wrongly?