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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

999 replies

BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 18:45

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CrispyFB · 14/02/2014 20:24

cakebar is right about giving up a career and not knowing if you will be able to get it back. It's one thing a few years down the line, but I'll be out for at least eight years in a technological field so my chances are not that great and there are no guarantees when I do decide to return at all.

We actually have no choice about me being at home because childcare costs are too high once we had two, however it WAS our choice to have four DC. I don't regret our decision, it was what we both wanted and I do enjoy being a SAHM, but that doesn't mean I don't feel wistful about what I've given up, not just the career I worked hard for but also including my financial independence and do not know if I will get it back. That is a hard adjustment to make as I'm fiercely independent, and one that mothers on maternity leave do not have to face.

I do think most of the differences are purely psychological, which in turn can affect some physical aspects to a degree.

A WOHM who has never properly quit her job can experience exactly the same day to day life as a SAHM but she will usually have a different perspective. I was six months into maternity leave with DC2 when I took voluntary redundancy and although nothing physically changed, so much did internally. Far more so than I would have expected, it really took me by surprise.

So it's the same, but different Smile Well, in my experience.

Sleepyhead33 · 14/02/2014 20:24

Zipfork-that's exactly how I read it.

maillotjaune · 14/02/2014 20:26

As Widow says I don't ever have these conversations with people IRL but then perhaps they come on MN to complain about me later Grin

Philoslothy · 14/02/2014 20:27

I do wonder if posters tell mothers that they are not raising their own children in real life.

parabelle · 14/02/2014 20:27

YABU, I took nine months off with both children so the second time I had a toddler and a baby. I was a SAHM for the nine months I was off. I really don't see what the difference is between me and any other SAHM for that period.

potatofactory · 14/02/2014 20:28

'puzzled' - is so irritating. it ranks with 'genuine question', which is about as bad as 'polite notice'.

I'm referring to your initial post.

Aboyandabunny · 14/02/2014 20:31

Am I a less of a mother because I work? I don't understand.
Maybe I am a bit busy to comment on the Wanted Down Under and Homes Under The Hammer threads but don't think that detracts from my child's wellbeing.

bbcessex · 14/02/2014 20:31

I work full time, travel a lot, do long hours... My friend is a SAHM, has 4 children, teenagers now, she never stops. She thinks I'm great, I think she's great...

I don't know how any of us do it, we are all bloody brilliant :-)

Original poster
BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 20:35

Thanks Ginicooper At least I'm not going barmy and someone gets what I mean!!

OP posts:
macdoodle · 14/02/2014 20:38

"I suppose I think being a SAHM is about making a proactive decision to raise your children yourself"
I work and raise my children (single handedly actually), who exactly do you think is raising my children? Cheeky cow.

morethanpotatoprints · 14/02/2014 20:47

macdoodle

It means that some sahps have decided to raise their dc without having somebody help them when they work.

Original poster
BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 20:48

CrispyFB VERY JEALOUS of you as would dearly love DC4 Blush

Yes, yes - agree with all you say. I am happy with the decision to be a SAHM. We were fortunate that that was an option, but I suppose it is like this... so many women are keeping lots of plates spinning. If you are on Mat Leave - your work-life plates is spinning away...

As soon as you make that decision to not go back, then it clatters to the ground. Whether you can go back to the same career, or ever reach the same level again, and all these issues - well - it is all unknown, isn't it?

Being a professional woman used to be an important part of my identity. At one time it was THE most important thing to know about me. If you are on mat leave you still have all that intact.

I really don't understand why people are being so rude to me. It is a bit annoying.

OP posts:
TheFabulousIdiot · 14/02/2014 20:50

Magine it's just about as puzzling as a SAHM claiming they know that working mums are buying designer handbags just because that's what they spent their money on when they were working.

Shrugs.

Sleepyhead33 · 14/02/2014 20:51

And back to...who is raising your child when they start school then? Are you delegating that responsibility to teachers?
As I said earlier, I am a teacher and do not see myself as raising other people's children -anymore than nursery staff do I imagine!

clockwatching77 · 14/02/2014 20:51

A bit on the fence on this one. If you only have one child and one period of maternity leave than no, I don't think it really compares. If however, you have one than period of maternity leave than I do think it is the same.
I realised just how easy one was when mil took 27 month old away for a few days leaving me with 3 month old. (Not my choice)

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 14/02/2014 20:51

If you can be classed as 'making a proactive decision to raise your children yourself' while still using a nursery/preschool for (I'm guessing the full amount of free hours) 15 hours a week, am I not making the same proactive choice even though I'm only using a nursery for 21 hours a week? Except in those 21 hours ago I'm doing paid work? What is the difference in those two situations?

Original poster
BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 20:51

Zipfork You have an attitude problem. No where did I say looking after children or being a SAHM is a higher moral purpose. All I said was, it means you cannot have a career at the same time and that it is different to being on mat leave.

I also haven't said anything about it being harder or more worthy. FGS.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 14/02/2014 20:52

Maternity leave really isn't the same as being a long term SAHM.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 14/02/2014 20:53

I think I know what you mean op, and at 9 months and when they start to move is when they get more ...interesting shall we say and challenging...! Thats the age the baby is handed over!

I have a friend who had Mat leave and was out every day (no problems with that but it was almost desperate to have something booked every single day to fill the hole day) she went back work at 9 months and does 4.5 days and baby is with CM.

she was hyper critical of her cousin who had 4 and was sham saying what does she do all day and so on...

macdoodle · 14/02/2014 20:53

Nope sorry still dont get it? The implication is if you dont choose to be a SAHM , then someone else is raising your child? And that is frankly nonsense and very insulting. I raise my children, no one else does. Someone else may look after them some of the time, that doesnt mean I am not raising them myself.
How would it sound if I said WOHM have made a "proactive choice to support themselves, without freeloading off someone else". Sound good to you?? No of course not!

Original poster
BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 20:54

Aboyandabunny Fri 14-Feb-14 20:31:01
Am I a less of a mother because I work? I don't understand.
Maybe I am a bit busy to comment on the Wanted Down Under and Homes Under The Hammer threads but don't think that detracts from my child's wellbeing.

Gosh Aboyandabunny no, of course you aren't less of a mother.
However, I am less of a worker because I don't work.

When people say, "what do you do?" I can't say "I'm an economist" because I haven't worked as one for years. Presumably, when people ask you what you do, you say "I'm a what-job-you-do"?

OP posts:
macdoodle · 14/02/2014 20:55

"I suppose I think being a SAHM is about making a proactive decision to raise your children yourself"
Come on you said this, what did you mean by it then? The implication is that your choice is the better one?

itsbetterthanabox · 15/02/2014 01:56

I wonder if this would be said to a man who took a years paternity leave?

MrsMook · 15/02/2014 03:37

Goodness knows where I fit in this. I always did supply teaching and had a constant flow of work until thd 2nd trimester of DS1'S pregnancy. I fell out of the loop for casual supply after a bout of long term work, and my pregnancy dates fell badly against the seasonal patern of work. In total, I was not working for 16m until a suitable opportunity came up that fitted with family life, and I worked for 6m. That qualified me for Mat Allowence again, and I happened to end up not working through the pregnancy until now when a suitable opportunity has come up, DS2 is 10m. My only career plan is having a set criteria of what work is suitable and provides benefit to our family and being available for such opportunities, and spenfing timd with my family in between. I'd say I've experienced both sides of the work/ parenting balance.

It's something that's come up in general RTW conversations umpteen times, and is just a bit messier than the usual decision of returning to previous work or leaving. Only once did I meet someone who took up issue with it. I was 30 weeks pregnant with DS2 and already clearly struggling with mobility from SPD. She took great exception to me saying that it wasn't practical to me looking for and starting a new job a month previously as it was neither I. The interests of my health from the effects pregnancy had on me, and what school would employ a 5-6m pregnant teacher with mobility problems who was only avaliable for half a term. I got a load of sanctimonious yrubbish about her working through 3 pregnancies while wearing a lead apron. Lovely. She failed to understand the point that continuing to do something from the start of pregnancy is different to taking it up over halfway through at a point when your body is beginning to struggle and would be exacerbated by the demands of the job. It had no bearing on her life, and the only two people affected by the decision were me snd DH who eere financially accomodating it.

Which kind of brings me back to the point of who cares if someone is on mat leave/ working parent/ SAHM as long as they are making the best decisions for the life of their family unit. It's unreasonable to particularly care about other people's choices unless they have a direct bearing on your life.

Sharaluck · 15/02/2014 04:08

I understand where you are coming from.

And I can understand why some sahms feel like this.

If you're not financially secure and you know you will find it difficult to get back into the workforce, some sahms struggle with losing their independence. Mums on maternity leave have not experienced this feeling.