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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

999 replies

BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 18:45

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/02/2014 10:31

NewYear
You could argue once the children are school age the difference doesn't stack up.

I get up around 6.30 pack the lunches and do the bf. DH and I get the DC ready and he takes them to school and I go to work. He picks them up and does dinner and I help with HW. We then have to clear up and get ready for the next day. And repeat.

RufusTheReindeer · 16/02/2014 10:38

absolutely agree chaz

As a SAHM of a 15, 12 and 10 year old my days are easy, then all hell breaks loose at 3.30

But as they get bigger even that's changing, I don't see the 15 year old til tea time!

As a SAHM of a 4 year old 1 year old and a newborn my days were full, sometimes wonderful and sometimes a pain in the bum and sometimes thankless boring drudgery

Wouldn't swap a day of it! Except possibly when number 3 got out of the buggy when I told him not to and the whole overladen shopping full thing crashed to the floor, watched by all three of my children and everyone in the library saw me go into meltdown!!!

capsium · 16/02/2014 10:40

Chaz Depends on your working hours and the volume of homework I would have thought.

My DH does not get in till it is time for dinner. By then I have cooked and helped with the written homework. Then the reading and quizzing / revising is done later and DH helps with that and at weekends.

Primary schools are setting more and more homework for younger children IME, which requires parental support.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/02/2014 10:50

I work 9-6.30/7 but my eldest is 10 so often waits for my help (DH's first langauge isn't English so it makes more sense for me to help).

What I was getting at is that a decent WOHP doesn't expect to come in on a school day and leave the SAHP or parent who works shorter hours running around while they sit on their backside. It's a long day for everyone and life is pretty repetitive for both parents.

Jinsei · 16/02/2014 10:53

I work FT, and have never had a problem providing appropriate support for homework - I agree that primary schools are giving more and more of it! However, I see my role as facilitating dd to complete the homework independently, not to be there at every step of the way...

FutTheShuckUp · 16/02/2014 10:54

I'm a bit confused as to how people with all kids in school can class themselves as stay at home mums. Isn't it a bit like a WOHM but the kids being the out of home part?

oliviaoctopus · 16/02/2014 10:55

Even when getting in at 6/6.30 we were still doing homework every night in reception. Homework is hardly a big deal.

RufusTheReindeer · 16/02/2014 10:58

fut I am a mum, who stays at home

Sides if I was something different like a lady who lunches I wouldn't be able to post on this thread

RufusTheReindeer · 16/02/2014 10:58

Ooh thought of one

Abandoned mum!!!!!

FutTheShuckUp · 16/02/2014 10:59

Mum who can hear herself think momentarily? Bit of a mouthful though

capsium · 16/02/2014 11:02

I agree it is a long day.

This is why when there are extra things going on, such as what I have written about in my previous posts, making the decision to be a SAHP is understandable. Added to this some working parents are away a lot.

Not saying you don't understand this Chaz but there would appear to be some on this thread that dismiss these situations as a rarity. Personally I don't think them that rare, but wouldn't harp on in RL as it would feel ungrateful and disloyal to my family. There are probably quite a few like me who keep relatively quiet too. I wouldn't choose to be anything else than stay at home and I don't resent it. The stick has got a bit much sometimes though.

I think people make the choices that suit their own families.

capsium · 16/02/2014 11:03

Jinsei depends in the quality of teaching and differentiation....

MrsMagnificent · 16/02/2014 11:05

I don't really understand what the point is meant to be here?

SAHP life is different from WOHP. I don't see anyone really disagreeing that the two scenarios are different.

Does either one make you a better parent? I don't think so no. Different contributions are made by both.

People can say, "I could imagine what being a SAHP is like because when I was on maternity leave I felt..." without them actually thinking that they know all the in's and out's of a SAHPs life. All it is is someone drawing on their own life experience to them it is similar. Not the same but similar.

Universally it isn't harder to be one or the other, for one person being a WOHP is harder than being a SAHP for another it's easier. There is no proof that either or benefit children. So what exactly is the problem?

I get the impression from OP that she thinks she is superior to working parents (presumably that includes her partner). OTOH some other posters think that a SAHP is beneath them. I just can't help but wonder, why does anyone care? As long as you are doing what you want to do and what you think will benefit your family the most what does it matter?

capsium · 16/02/2014 11:05

Fut for want of a better phrase. I don't really call myself anything in RL, apart from my name of course!

Philoslothy · 16/02/2014 11:07

BorcestshireBlue Sun 16-Feb-14 06:19:49
Philioslothy - it may come as a surprise to you, but you can do all those things and go to work!

I do work and still do all those things, however when I didn't work I did more of them .

MrsMagnificent · 16/02/2014 11:08

Either or benefit children more*

Philoslothy · 16/02/2014 11:19

MetellaEstMater Sun 16-Feb-14 08:32:07
I read Philiosothy's comment as tongue in cheek, reacting to the misnomer that all SAHMs spend their days in the gym, having tennis lessons, lunching with friends etc.!

I was addressing the point that SAHM don't contribute anything. I live in a village, SAHM are very much the backbone of our village. We volunteer in school. , support the vulnerable members of our community, run community events. Of course working people do those things to, but it stands to reason that you have more time if you don't go to work .

I wasn't being sarcastic , that is what my life was like as a SAHM.

The letter on the internet made me want to vomit in my mouth tbh , I don't see life as either a SAHP or a WOHP as about sacrifice. That just sounds a bit worthy and shit.

Jinsei · 16/02/2014 11:41

Jinsei depends in the quality of teaching and differentiation...

In what sense? All of dd's homework is project based, so differentiation is built in. We talk a lot about what she's going to do, how to research and how to structure things, but I encourage her to do the doing by herself, otherwise it becomes my work, not hers. She manages to produce some pretty good stuff, and she's acquiring really good skills in the process.

I suppose it's different if you're doing worksheet type stuff, and it's at the wrong level, so I get what you mean about it depending on the quality of what's set.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 16/02/2014 11:44

Yes the Internet letter was a bit "worthy and shit"
But tbh describing sahms as " the backbone of the community" due to a bit of voluntary work has a similar nauseating and eye rolley effect on me.

Writerwannabe83 · 16/02/2014 11:44

I actually think I'd feel guilty being a SAHM knowing my DH was going to work everyday to earn money to provide for us all whilst I stayed at home and spent it.

exhaustedmummymoo · 16/02/2014 11:45

Ooh see this is still raging. I'm guessing barks your two friends work part if they go to toddler group? I think if you work part time you do get a bit of an inkling of what it's like being at home with children. Agreed there is nothing to break up the monotony of being at home 24/7, but in my situation with OH working away I often have weekends with my pre-schoolers where as my SAHM hand theirs over to partners and escape for a day! Also I took full 12 months mat leave with my second, and really hated asking OH for money so I could take my children to a group (£2 per child and 50p each for drink and snack) and I cheekily asked for an extra £2 so I could get a fancy pants coffee) grudgingly he gave the £5 for children. but I was reminded that I had a coffee holder on my buggy (birthday prezzie from him) and therefore I should make my own coffee and take it to the group!!!
I would hate to be fully dependant on OH, because if we ever seperated or god forbid widowed I would be fully up the creek without a paddle, and this would have a much worse impact on the children than them going to nursery for 20hrs a week!

Philoslothy · 16/02/2014 11:49

TheRealAmandaClarke Sun 16-Feb-14 11:44:11
Yes the Internet letter was a bit "worthy and shit"
But tbh describing sahms as " the backbone of the community" due to a bit of voluntary work has a similar nauseating and eye rolley effect on me.

We live in a village in the middle of nowhere. Nobody is interested in us, we are quite dull . The state support and infrastructure that you might find in towns or cities just does not exist . There are no meals on wheels, the internet is patchy, public transport is rare and unreliable . There is also hidden rural poverty. In that sort of environment people who step up to help others are invaluable. SAHM often have more time to do that .

Philoslothy · 16/02/2014 11:51

writer I did feel guilty and tbh that is the main reason I am not a SAHM now , even though I would like to be and we could afford it .

capsium · 16/02/2014 11:53

Jinsei Project work is differentiated by outcome though. If there has not been the teaching on how to plan, structure and research or how to answer the question correctly you end up doing that teaching yourself.

Similarly if your child requires extra support with reading, understanding, processing, fine motor skills as a parent you provide that extra support at

And this is only when considering project style work. The differentiation has to be even more finely tuned for work sheets.

My experience is of having DC that are perfectly able to do homework set but with the added complication of (some) teachers who have possessed low aspirations for them. So the teaching has not met potential. For a better quality of project work, reading comprehension etc I have ended up teaching at home for a number of years. Otherwise their potential might never have come to light.

OrangeFizz99 · 16/02/2014 11:56

There are lots of solutions to the shit state schools in the uk.

One if to work ft and use the private system.

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