to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

[BarkWorseThanBite]

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

I think it depends where you live. Round here, it is a fairly naice place and sahms are more common than wohms. A couple of times I've had my usually friendly neighbours recoil in horror (followed by deep sorrow for our poor neglected child) when I've told them I'm back at work and our dd is at nursery. Being a sahm is very much the ideal in these parts. I have no issue with this. I've made my choices, other people have made theirs. As long as our dcs are happy, I don't care about another mum's choices.

I think whatever you do, us mums just can't win. It would be nice if we could set the standard by not judging each other, but supporting each other in the different choices we've all made. I hate seeing all these passive aggressive links to blogs about why one way of life is better than the other. We all do what's right for our own families, and maybe if we stopped judging each other, then the rest of society might follow suit.

I read Philiosothy's comment as tongue in cheek, reacting to the misnomer that all SAHMs spend their days in the gym, having tennis lessons, lunching with friends etc.!

Head down to a David Lloyd gym any weekday Metella and you will see that there are many that do just that after dropping their children in the crèche. I am sure there are many others that don't.

This reminds me of a home schooling thread...

Home schooling mum: 'I take my child to a museum every week, we discuss literature and politics, study core subjects, watch the news every day, paint, draw, read, go for bike rides, swimming, gymnastics, football every week.'

Me thinking: I work FT and do all of that every week too!

Yy to gym crèche - that never seems to count as childcare or institutional setting!

bark - yes you're children will be going to school. Then what are you under your own definition of martyrdom? Are you no longer raising them then?

As a single mum working 45hrs+ a week, I thoroughly resent the implications on here:

1 - that it is a 'lifestyle choice' - no it is a necessity so that my children learn to value and respect the value of earning a living and not relying on hand outs.

2 - that by working full time I'm not 'raising my children myself'. How dare you?!?! Who the hell else is raising my children?

Metalla - I have read back and feel I may agree with you - the random "crafty stuff" threw me off the scent!

I stand by my later post though - the crèche at DL is packed daily with newborns - toddlers while their Mum Spin, play tennis and sip coffee. (I'm not bitter!).

Argh *your

Must admit I'm on mat leave at the moment and my baby will be in the gym crèche once she reaches three months (DD1 will be at preschool). It will be a lovely change from my work day routine of a 6.30am class before the children wake up(not as stressful as it sounds - gym is on my street and the classes are 30 mins high intensity sessions!).

Oh I love a good bit of WM/SAHM bashing for a Sunday morning. Goes well with my Olympics viewing

OP you sound unhappy with your choices.

I am a WOHM. I took 12m ML x2 DC.
I'm not sure how I fit into your criteria.

I work 4h per day whilst my DCs are at school. My SAH friends are normally visiting friends/family, at the gym, grocery shopping, doing housework, whilst I am at work. DH does the morning school run, I do the afternoon school run, plus squeeze in a bit of cleaning before pick up.

The only difference between me and my SAH friends is I have less free time for myself, and I earn money.

When DCs were toddlers, most of my SAH friends sent their DCs to the local playgroup for 2.5 house a day, whilst mine went to nursery for 4 h. Do you REALLY think there's much difference?

You sound like you want some reward for your sacrifices. Like you want some proof that your children will turn out better as a result of the sacrifices you have made. Odd IMO.

"As a single mum working 45hrs+ a week, I thoroughly resent the implications on here:

1 - that it is a 'lifestyle choice' - no it is a necessity so that my children learn to value and respect the value of earning a living and not relying on hand outs.

2 - that by working full time I'm not 'raising my children myself'. How dare you?!?! Who the hell else is raising my children?"

Choosing to not work when physically able to and rely on others, be it a partner or the state, to pay for your every need is a lifestyle choice. Working to provide food, shelter and warmth is not a lifestyle choice, its a necessity.

Dont let the "raising my children myself" comment wind you up, its just a poor attempt of justifying why they have opted out providing financially for their chidlren. I wonder how their spouses actually feel knowing they pay for their every need yet are viewed as not being a parent most of the time as they go to work.

Happymummy you're just as insulting and goady as OP, IMO.

SAHM aren't all lazy good for nothings who want to live off handouts which is what your posts are implying!

I would imagine Walter that there are exceptions wherere the SAHP is independently wealthy but imagine they are rare. Therefore the majority of SAHPs either rely on another adult or the state for their every need. Thats not goady, just a fact. Unless of course they have a magic money tree in the garden

I do think maternity leave is different from being a SAHM as I have said up thread, more from a mental point of view than a physical

I also think that a caring nursery/cm/grandparent can give a child the same opportunities and fun that an at home parent can (if not more! Child number 1 could paint at home, child 1 and 2 could only paint if daddy was home and by the time child 3 turned up I'd ditched the paint)

Obviously a working parent is bringing up their child

Some SAHM are at home because they feel they have to be in the same way that some WOHM feel they have to be at work. Some SAHM are at home because they want to be and they enjoy it in the same way that WOHM work for the same reasons

But itit I think that a parent who properly home eds gives a child a lot attention more than a working parent or a SAHM of school children

And a committed SAHM of pre school age children does more of the boring jobs (like nappy changing) than a full time working parents, happy to agree that a working parent does a lot of the fun stuff

And I know that most of us agree, we are just coming to it from different angles

HappyMummy do think my choice to be the SAHP was a lifestyle choice, when faced with my DC's SEN?

Many people are facing similar situations, be it caring for a child or elderly relative or through illness. Yes I could have been the breadwinner but it would not have made financial sense since my DH's field is much more lucrative than my own.

I don't claim benefits, we are financially stable enough. So we are not a burden on the State and I don't intend us to be either. It is part of the reason I would justify my decision. It is only too easy to imagine my DC struggling with the quality of childcare that was available.

I don't class myself as a carer either, it is not my occupation. It is the adversarial process of the SEN system and not my DC's needs that would have made it difficult to hold down a job.

OP

Your DC only only help with things. Bloody Hell you haven't trained them well - our DC make us breakfast in bed which they then eat half of

[slack WOHM emoticon]

happy not everyone works out of necessity, I know plenty who do it because they love their jobs and some because they were slowly going mad at home

And good for them, it would have been a different story if I had loved my job! Or if I could figure out what I want to do when I grow up

happymummy, jesus your cute username name is in stark contrast to your snarling posts, isn't it?

glad you aren't bitter

And I know that most of us agree, we are just coming to it from different angles*

Yes, I think the majority of us are!

happy you're phrasing your posts to be deliberately antagonistic. The only other person I've seen do that is the OP, who has an agenda.

There are plenty of SAHMs on this thread who haven't mocked WOHMs but who will be made to feel rather shitty I'd imagine, by posts like yours.

The difference between sAHM and WohM is that for SAHM it's the whole day everyday doing those things...the chores the childcare the cleaning the lifts. It starts at six and ends at when the house is ean and children in bed and stuff ready for next day. It most often is for a bigger family of schoolchildren , toddler and baby.
The difference is there is no work and no money.

I have been both. Worked when I had one and didn't work for a few years after number 2. They are now older and it hasn't made a jot of difference to them. For me there were pro and co ns to each.

The secret is good childcare. It s really not worth a bun fight. Each to their own and all that.

Also once sahomedom has been the case for a while its hard to find work between 9 and 3 and who will allow days off for emergency childcare.

And no status.

Your post is not clear, Newyearchanger. Are you actually saying the SAHM has all work and no pay? Or no work and no money?