to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

[BarkWorseThanBite]

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

You breastfed your unicorn, amanda?

Surely being on mat leave and knowing its finite and temporary makes the whole exp different and like an extended holiday and sthg to be cherished and Savoured. I say this as someone who to

Took nine months and then went back to work rather reluctantly ft. But hey don't be annoyed ........ Just make your choice and stick to it. I can't complain about my choice
As it's all mine

Barksworsethanbite, why do you find it irritating? Nobody knows what anybody else is life is like regardless of if you work or stay at home, single parent or dual parent. It's not a competition. Then again I must be a terrible parent not only did I not breast feed I put my children into nursery and omg I gave them sausage and chips for their tea tonight, and oh horror milk....and I don't even have enough imagination for unicorns just flying pigs!

Oh, bark, you're hilarious! And woefully ignorant of how most of the world lives. I see that others have already put you staight, but since your comment was directed at me, I shall chip in too. Only around 10% of the world's population live in the developed world and as such, may have the option of one parent not working without the family actually starving to death.

In the developing world, well, yes, parents care for their own children. While holding down full-time jobs. Both parents. And more often than not, the children too. The exception being all the children being raised by their grandparents instead while their parents travel to find work to support them.

The idea that women are home caring for baby across the globe is incredibly naive and uninformed. Most women in the world keep on working either with their baby strapped to their back or cared for my older family members.

Staying home and baking with your offspring is a position of incredible privilege.

Bravo and hear hear, Annie.

That's not fair.. Some parents will choose to SAH and have financilal hardship as a consequence. Some will SAH on benefits. It is an incredible privilege but for a different reason.

I think Annie is saying that in many parts of the world choosing to stay home all the time is impossible unless you want to see your family starve. Whilst this government seem to wish the same to be the case in the UK and to force parents on benefits out to work, this is not currently the case in the UK.

Can open, worms everywhere

I don't think YABU.

Staying at home during mat leave is different to being a permanent SAHM. Not necessarily in terms of how busy you are or what you do for the kids but totally different financially, socially, psychologically both for the mum and the people around her.

Working women are taken more seriously (not how it should be but unfortunately is true in many situations). Nor are they dependant on their OH. SAHMs are put into 2 categories - either very well off and priveliged to be at home, or lazy and not setting a good example. They generally are not held in any kind of high esteem. No one goes 'oh wow ur a SAHM'. Whereas if you have a job people seem to think only then are you contributing to society. I think it's much harder to be in a job that's got no end, no fixed hours, no certificate, no pay and no recognition.

So basically, no, being at home knowing you will go back to a job is not the same as being a SAHM. no woman who works has to prove that she's contributing to society whereas a SAHM will always have to. Plus she never leaves work.

Oh and I was at home for 9mth and now work. My mum was a SAHM.

I always felt as if I was take seriously as a SAHM and was often revered as a much better mother than I actually am.

My dh was a SAHD for four years. He was no better/worse a parent before or after that time. There were pluses and minuses for us as a family but he really enjoyed the time, so that was good. Our children don't seem very different now they don't have their dad around all day. The same amount of baking/gardening/shopping occur but they are more involved in it now because they are older and we are busier.

They do more enrichment stuff because we have spare funds, so it's not a stretch for them to do clubs, activities etc and we plan to travel in a way that wasn't possible.

I think that the OP is really just looking at her professional working peers here and comparing her life as a mother who has stopped working to theirs, without recognising that neither are really very typical.

philo - good for you. Depends on individual situations and social circle but the current govt pushing for parents to go back to work just shows there is a huge body of opinion that don't recognize that SAHMs are contributing. Also have heard myself numerous times about women I know who have become SAHMs that they are wasting their education, wasted taxpayers money in getting educated, took someone else's place at uni for no reason. Very nasty and narrow minded but unfortunately more common than you think

Illstartexercisingtomorrow no woman who works has to prove that she's contributing to society whereas a SAHM will always have to. Plus she never leaves work.

Exactly how does any SAHM have to prove to society that she's contributing? She doesn't! There is no government agency coming round to check your contributing enough. Whereas a working woman will always have to prove she's contributing - maybe not to 'society' but certainly to her employer - otherwise she'll lose her job.

Plus she never leaves work The 24-hour job applies to every mother, regardless of whether they spend some of those 24 hours doing paid work.

Annie
Well said I agree with you 100%
Essentially I think we may be debating a 'first world problem'

Permanently
Yes all mothers are mothers 24 hours a day whether they are in or outside the home.
Just because you walk out the door to work doesn't mean you are no longer a mother during the time you are away, obviously, when yiu get back from work your job continues.

Of course SAHMs don't have to "prove" their worth to society, and it would be pointless for them to try to do so. All good parents contribute to society, regardless of whether they SAH or WOH, by raising happy, ethical and responsible citizens.

The choice to stay at home may well be of value to individual families, but I don't believe there is any net benefit to society, as it's equally possible to raise "good citizens" if both parents go out to work.

I contributed a lot to the economy as a SAHM . Gym membership , tennis lessons , lunches out , afternoon shopping, crafty lessons, days out with the children .

Philioslothy - it may come as a surprise to you, but you can do all those things and go to work!

I don't really see how it's like Common People except if you have absolutely no choice but to quit work forever in order to provide full time childcare. For most parents it is a temporary period, and for many (including the OP) it is very definitely a choice. That's not to say that for some people it might be very very difficult not to have a parent at home (although it really doesn't have to be the mother).

Besides which is staying at home with your children really equivalent to slumming it? If you don't enjoy it then the option of getting a job is still there, so feeling resentful (which is what the song is about) is a bit self defeating as there are usually options available.

I have been reading this thread from the start and I still don't get what it was exactly that you found annoying OP!

You have a point in that there are some differences (as pointed out by you and many others), but I also think the way one feels about being a SAHM makes a difference. And most people do not see it as a permanent thing anyway.

I have mostly been a sahm for the past 13 years and I do not see what there is to get so annoyed about!

I had my 2 dc 19m apart so worked for a yr between them whilst pg with num 2. I ended up leaving my job after dc2 because I didn't want the hours they offered but I didn't call myself a SAHM if someone asked,even though I had a year off with dc 1 and then a year plus with both until I started little bits of work, because my intention was ultimately to go back to work. I didn't want to be defined just as a mum but also as a professional. So I'd say I'm a teacher/research assistant but at the moment I'm off with my kids.
So I see what you mean, but at the same time I've experienced the stress of 2 young children together, the highs and the lows so i do know very well what it's like. I only went full time this September when mine are in y3 and 4.
Do you ever intend to return to work? (sorry if you've covered this haven't read whole thing) According to you, what length of time off qualifies you to say you're like a SAHM if one day you plan to work?

Borsetshire- I thought that too. With the exception of gym membership (not my bag- would rather go for a walk in the fresh air) I've done all those things while also having a job.

Ok Janey I confess that I have been a member of the gym for 9 years and have never actually been in the gym.

They do a great coffee, have free wi-fi and I do occasionally use the pool. The kids do a variety of stuff there and DH does use it too.