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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

999 replies

BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 18:45

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Wishihadabs · 15/02/2014 19:16

Oh so you can still be a SAHM if you work then ? Just not outside the home ? Or just in school hours ? C'mon what the OP was getting at (I think ) was that these other mum's didn't understand what it meant to have burnt your professional bridges. FWIW I think I am much more present for my dcs after school than the Parents who have been working from home. On my days off I have shopped, cooked and taken some exercise during the day so I can be totally available for them from 3:30

Bonsoir · 15/02/2014 19:19

Your a SAHM if your primary day time occupation is bringing up your DC. You don't have to sacrifice every second of your day to child-focused activities. But you need no or very little childcare.

Bonsoir · 15/02/2014 19:19

You're

waltermittymissus · 15/02/2014 19:22

Not necessarily Wishi I do all school runs, play days, cook, extra-curricular activities and pick up DS from nursery too..

I have to do a lot of my work in the evenings when they're in bed or when they're just having 'chill' time (an hour of tv/reading/tablets).

I'm totally available for my dc. I'm just always bloody knackered! Wink

MrsMagnificent · 15/02/2014 19:23

Do you know I don't think I am above anyone because I work.

I am a single parent, I have no choice but to work. If I had the choice between staying at home and working I would still work though. Does my DD suffer because she attends nursery? Absolutely not. Would she benefit more from me being at home? Absolutely not.

I admire women who stay at home with their kids but I don't think they are better than me or me them.

It's personal choice, why does it need to be a case of one better than the other or one harder than the other?

Saying that because you don't work you are "more present" for your children over parents who do work is a load of bollocks. All my cleaning, tidying, getting things ready for the next day happens when DD is in bed. Any time I spend with DD my attention is with her. It's comments like this that piss people off because you sound like you consider yourself superior because you do chores during the day. What you doing during the day makes no difference to how present you are with your kids in your time at home.

Wishihadabs · 15/02/2014 19:23

We use 4 hours Childcare a week. But we both work 30 hours a week OTH. Are we both SAHPs ??

Wishihadabs · 15/02/2014 19:25

Just my experience

BarkWorseThanBite · 15/02/2014 19:28

Bonsoir Sat 15-Feb-14 14:50:21
I think that this thread has amply provided evidence of the OP's point that WOHMs don't understand why and how the lifestyle of a SAHM is wildly different from their own!

Grin
OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 15/02/2014 19:28

Mrs I don't know who that is to?

I was just picking up on Wishi's point that she's totally available to her dc from 3.30.

I was saying that I am too, even though I work in the home and not outside it.

MrsMagnificent · 15/02/2014 19:33

walter It was to Wishi. I agree with your post 100%

BarkWorseThanBite · 15/02/2014 19:33

jellyandcake Sat 15-Feb-14 15:24:02
OP, you haven't responded to the point that childcare is not just for the benefit of the parents but that it can be a necessity to keep the baby fed, clothed and sheltered. My pt job brings in £1000 pm after childcare - we couldn't pay the mortgage without this. We don't go on holiday, we don't go out much, I haven't had a haircut in over a year - my wage is for survival, not luxury. Poverty disadvantages children hugely and for many families working is not a choice. So childcare is unequivocally not solely for the benefit of the parents. And good quality childcare can be found.

When I said that baby day care is not for the benefit of the baby I was responding to criticism that SAHMs send their children to preschool/playgroups/school. I think this is different, as you send a child to thse settings to benefit the child - becuase it aids the child's development.

I appreciate that a parent might need to work and that might necessitate childcare, but the baby only needs the day nursery because the mother is not available - it is not necessary for the baby's development in the way that preschool is good for a 3 year old.

Is that clearer?

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 15/02/2014 19:35

Ah thanks for clarifying Mrs, as I said, always knackered! Grin

OP, doesn't baby need daycare because the father is also unavailable? Or do you need to have a vagina to be so judged by you?

BarkWorseThanBite · 15/02/2014 19:36

AnnieLobeseder Sat 15-Feb-14 15:31:38
But you can't that there is no such thing as a SAHP outside the wealthy top 10% of the world's population. It's not an essential job like a nurse, doctor, teacher, farmer etc. It's just not. So I don't understand why some women seem to think they deserve a medal for choosing that path for themselves.

What rubbish - most parents worldwide care for their own children. Organised childcare in day nurseries are a relatively new idea -they didnt' exist in Britain at all til the 1980s.

OP posts:
LCHammer · 15/02/2014 19:39

1980s?!?!

janey68 · 15/02/2014 19:42

Bark- you're projecting. No one is saying a baby needs nursery. The point is, that many of us find that we can use childcare and it is equal to the overall experience our children would have if we didn't use it.

In other words, my babies spending some hours during the week with a wonderful childminder, and then from about 15 months spending some hours a week in a nursery gave them an overall experience just as good as they've have had if I'd been home every day. (And as a P/T working mum I loved my days off and my children had a damn good experience with me too!)

I'm not claiming using childcare was better- just that it provided a good balance and an overall equally positive experience. Plus I got to keep my hand in my career.

Wishihadabs · 15/02/2014 19:43

I was making the point that there are many different ways of doing things and they all have advantages and drawbacks. So my dc have a parent at home after school 4 evenings out of 5 and all the benefits of 2 professional nearly ft salaries coming into the house. Sadly I didn't see them Thursday morning through to Friday night this week. But I think OP's point was that a "real" SAHP have given up paid employment for the foreseeable future. Which you can't really relate to if you haven't done. Even if you do as much Childcare as a SAhP. But OP do correct me if I have misinterpreted you.

mercibucket · 15/02/2014 19:43

yeah, go read a bit of thomas hardy

they used to dangle the baby off a blanket tied to a tree (rock a bye baby) while the mums worked in the fields

it ends badly in the hardy novel

janey68 · 15/02/2014 19:45

Oh and has already been pointed out, it's highly enlightening that you don't even give the father a mention. Parents who use childcare do it because both parents work. Not because the mother works. It speaks volumes that you don't even think to mention that. Maybe in your opinion the father of your kids is lower down the pecking order than you are. Some of us have partners on an equal footing to ourselves.

thinking101 · 15/02/2014 19:57

Not all SAHP claim benefits, there are a few posts up thread that assumes this and it makes me annoyed.

waltermittymissus · 15/02/2014 20:02

There are more rational than irrational women on this thread, thank goodness.

Mostly, we all just want to get on with our own lives, doing our own thing and not be judged by people with either giant superiority complexes, or massive insecurities about their own life choices, resulting in sweeping insults and attempts to put down people who are making different decisions for their children.

Nobody should have to defend her position this much. It's exhausting!

cory · 15/02/2014 20:05

Bark, not only do you know very little about pre-1980 history; you also know very little about the rest of the world today.

Do you really believe that poor rural mothers in Africa and Asia can afford to sit at home looking after their children all day without contributing to the economy?

Are you not aware that in many parts of Africa it is women who do pretty well all the work on the land?

That it is very common for women to leave their village (leaving their children in charge of relatives) to seek for work in the towns?

That the whole maid system in the Middle East rests on women who have left their own countries, and often their own children, behind top find work?

That an awful lot of the everyday products we use- clothing, shoes, handbags etc- are produced by mothers in China, India and Pakistan who take on this work to support their families?

The situation, in other words, is very similar to what it was in the west in the pre-war period: in poor families, child-minding will be done by anybody who is not able to contribute financially by growing crops, minding animals or bringing in a wage: aged grandparents, older siblings, the ill and the infirm. Able-bodied people are needed to bring in money.

oh, and btw childminders did exist before the 1980's.

BarkWorseThanBite · 15/02/2014 20:05

waltermittymissus Sat 15-Feb-14 19:35:40
OP, doesn't baby need daycare because the father is also unavailable? Or do you need to have a vagina to be so judged by you?

Apologies - yes, the father or grandparents etc would work too, though given it is a young baby the mother would be preferable, as presumably as she is best placed to breastfeed.

OP posts:
WidowWadman · 15/02/2014 20:08

bark - hate to break it to you, but it's perfectly possible to breastfeed and WOHM (even fulltime)

morethanpotatoprints · 15/02/2014 20:09

I don't think it matters if a sahp has benefits tbh.
If a family has tax credits because of income, they would get this irrespective of whom was working.
I know sahps who do and do not receive benefit.
I know different families on the same income some with both parents working, some with one parent working, all receiving tax credits.
What the hell does it matter.

RufusTheReindeer · 15/02/2014 20:09

Thought the OP said that

"Organised daycare in nurseries did not exist " in Britain in the 1980's

She didn't say anything about any other form of childcare

Loads of women took their children to work, massive amounts still do...but that wasn't what she said

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