Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

999 replies

BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 18:45

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

OP posts:
capsium · 15/02/2014 18:53

It all seems so individual. It doesn't really offend me if someone says they stay home to focus on their family or go to work to contribute to society as I recognise both points of view and think both are true for the people saying them and not absolute fact.

Brilliantly put Sillylass I think also that you can contribute to society by focussing on your family and focus on your family by going out to work. Needs must. You can also make up your mind to enjoy what you do, I think.

MrsMagnificent · 15/02/2014 18:54

Yey *TeamWill's" son Grin

Must be very proud.

TeamWill · 15/02/2014 18:56

Thanks Mrs proud and pondering how broke I will be .
Am off to have a Wine

morethanpotatoprints · 15/02/2014 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

capsium · 15/02/2014 18:58

Wishihadabs being a SAHP does not necessarily mean you are economically inactive either...

mumandboys123 · 15/02/2014 19:00

"I suppose I think being a SAHM is about making a proactive decision to raise your children yourself"

I would love to make a 'proactive decision to raise my children myself' but as my husband walked out and refuses to provide for our children financially, I'm a bit buggered. I could be on benefits at the moment as I have a child under 5 but I choose to work full-time because I believe that as a healthy adult with professional qualifications, that is the right thing to do.

So...if I am not raising my children, who is? I take full responsibility for clothing and feeding them and keeping a roof over their heads. I make decisions about their welfare, health, education and any childcare they may require. I read with them and make sure homework is done. I keep a clean and tidy(ish) house and we all go out in freshly laundered and ironed clothes every day. We are clean as we bathe regularly. We do a variety of activities as a family and we all have our own 'stuff' that we do. We eat well (thank god for slow cookers) and get regular exercise. We go to the park, have picnics, walk on the beach, go on day trips and I know who their friends are and have them over on play dates/for tea etc. when we can.

I am not sure how anyone thinks my children's lives would differ if I were at home? True, I could pick them up the second the school bell goes but that's the only difference, surely? I still actually drop off and pick up at the school gates. I earn a good living and my children understand that - they know how hard I work and what I do to pay for them to go to the cinema or buy them a new pair of shoes. I am 100% there for them 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Can you tell me what a SAHM mum does for her children that I don't do?

Or perhaps it would suit people better if I had my children adopted into a family where there was a SAHM to care for them better than I am doing?

RufusTheReindeer · 15/02/2014 19:00

teamwill you will be very broke???and very very healthy

waltermittymissus · 15/02/2014 19:01

Geuine question for the WOHMs on here.

Why do you feel the need to be so insulting about SAHMs to make your point?

You're having a go at OP for doing the reverse, why is it ok for you to do it?

Someone said upthread that SAHMs start these goady threads because of their own insecurities and unhappiness. Is that why there are so many goady answers on here? WOHMs insecurities and unhappiness?

Wishihadabs · 15/02/2014 19:01

Sorry but I thought that was the definition the OP was using.....giving up work, giving in your notice etc.

MetellaEstMater · 15/02/2014 19:01

Awww! Fantastic news TeamWill. Congratulations to your son!

Bonsoir · 15/02/2014 19:03

Absolutely. Just because one is a SAHM doesn't mean you don't have investments to manage or PT income. It's a bit like being retired in many ways. You still have to manage your finances.

MetellaEstMater · 15/02/2014 19:04

walter I've been out most of the day so haven't seen these insults but from what I've seen nobody has been insulting SAHPs but defending their position against the usual crap about WOHMs not actually raising their own children and the consequent implication that their children are suffering/neglected/unloved etc.

Procrastinating · 15/02/2014 19:06

I work from home while looking after my 3 children. No childcare and a full time job. I have done this for 9 years, through babies and toddlers.
Do I beat kewcumber? (probably not)

My problem is that I don't know which side I should be on in all this. Should I goad SAHM or WOHM?

waltermittymissus · 15/02/2014 19:07

I think it depends on perspective tbh Metell because I've seen SAHMs on here having to defend themselves against being called parasites, being a scourge on society (not a direct quote!) and teaching their children to be dependent and not self-sufficient.

Pretty bleak on either side I would say.

Original poster
BarkWorseThanBite · 15/02/2014 19:07

OrangeFizz99 Sat 15-Feb-14 13:06:39
Exactly wants - as soon as per school starts the sahm is also part time under these strange 'rules'.
bark has now avoided this question for 18 pages.

I asked about 15 pages ago OrangeFizz My oldest 2 are already at preschool and youngest will start next year. I am to be honest struggling to understand your point

OP posts:
RufusTheReindeer · 15/02/2014 19:08

See that's weird metella

What I've seen is a SAHM having a pop at WOHM and WOHM having a pop at SAHM and SAHM having a pop back

Sounds like a group of children saying "but he started it" at the end both "sides" have said dumb, stupid, insensitive things

waltermittymissus · 15/02/2014 19:08

*I work from home while looking after my 3 children. No childcare and a full time job. I have done this for 9 years, through babies and toddlers.
Do I beat kewcumber? (probably not)

My problem is that I don't know which side I should be on in all this. Should I goad SAHM or WOHM?*

You could be me! Grin

Though I've been working less than 9 years from home.

MrsMagnificent · 15/02/2014 19:09

Why do you feel the need to be so insulting about SAHMs to make your point?

I don't think I have been insulting in the slightest...

RufusTheReindeer · 15/02/2014 19:09

procrasinating

Join the dark side...and by that all the WOHM and SAHM and confused M who are trying not to goad anyone

ivanapoo · 15/02/2014 19:10

My friend is a SAHM but uses childcare one or two days a week so she can have time to pursue hobbies, sort stuff out, think about starting her business, her older child can enjoy nursery while she spends time with baby etc. she can afford it and it enriches her family's life.

I work part time and my son goes to childcare two days a week.

Yet she is defined completely differently to me. It's madness.

MetellaEstMater · 15/02/2014 19:11

Bleak is the word walter. So depressing.

There was a fantastic post doing the rounds on Facebook this week, which was an imaginary letter from a SAHM to a WOHM and vice versa. Both acknowledge the huge amount of work, sacrifices and love in both roles. They both rang true from my experiences of working and being at home (admittedly for mat leave, which as I said upthread I agree with OP is not the same as being a FT SAHP). I wish I could find a link to post, and can't C&P from my phone.

waltermittymissus · 15/02/2014 19:13

Saw that too, Metell. Didn't read it though! Now I wish I had...

I hate this shit. And it saddens me that so many posters are being drawn into slagging each other off to defend their own positions.

nethunsreject · 15/02/2014 19:14

Why does this even matter??!

LCHammer · 15/02/2014 19:15

The only insults I've seen have been from SAHMs. I've reported two posts. If you see any personal attacks, report.

MetellaEstMater · 15/02/2014 19:16

Found it!

carolynee.net/a-letter-from-a-working-mother-to-a-stay-at-home-mother-and-vice-versa/

Must admit it had me welling up Blush