to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

[BarkWorseThanBite]

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

Capsium, that is a really nice thing to say, thank-you. Like you I am doing my best for my family , like you life didn't go as planned but hopefully you have found peace in the life that you got landed with.
We all need to decide where our energy goes and it sounds like you are using yours to make a difference in your families life.

The thing about parental leave is that it's all about striking a balance which is reasonable to everyone.

I'm interested to know how a maternity leave of, say, 3 years, would work in reality? Many women want 2 or even 3 children, so a woman having a baby and then another one a couple of years later is still not going to get 3 years off with the second one, so will she then be complaining that she doesn't want to return to work yet? Alternatively, she may decide to take 3 years off, then return to work for a few weeks and take another 3 years off! And then possibly do the same thing once or twice more? Is that fair on the employer, who potentially has a decade or longer of not being able to make a permanent appointment to a role? Meanwhile, what about the poor woman or man who may be desperate to get a mortgage or start their own family, but has the insecurity of endless 3 year contracts because another woman is 'sitting' on a permanent contract for a decade, while possibly only having worked for a few months of that time?!

And that's even before you begin to look at the problems with jobs where training and knowledge needs to be bang up to date...

Personally I think a year is totally reasonable... But I know many women who run small business find even a year too long for an employee to be off, and having not run a small business myself, I respect their view.

So- it's all about balancing rights for everyone- not greedily thinking that our own individual preference should be promoted by the govt.

Yeah but who wants a competition over who is the most hard done by?

I'm never going to say my life is shitter than yours because it would be ungrateful and insulting to the people I love.

I can always change my mind regardless of funds. Money cannot buy everything either. What is desirable is the means to gain the money, the drive, skills and determination, not the money itself. Money can be squandered if you don't know what to do with it.

it's not half as annoying as wohms who say they do everything a sahm does plus a full days work.
Oh no you fucking don't.

This x 10000000

My last comment was in reference to HoleyGhost's post.

Ah do it really has descended into a slanging match here. A few months back a poster wrote the extremely eloquent post that said if we were all stay at home mums we would look like a society designed by the Taliban which I think just about sums up my view. I genuinely don't care what anyone else does but I see huge value in the role of a stay at home mum having being raised by one even though I work away from home. I value a society with choice where our daughters are exposed to both women staying at home and working out of the home. I would hate for my daughters to feel their lives were preordained to staying at home if they have children. I want that to be an option but not a definite.

wombles

That annoys me too, I must admit.
I understand what they mean though. They work and run a household, the same as a sahm runs a household. I think sahms probably do more things, not necessary the same as a wohm as there is obviously more time. I think sahp probably does more than housework to support the family.
Don't mean that nastily, but I spent a full day last week doing stuff for dd that I couldn't have done had I been working that day.

morethanpotatoprints - I think that some (but no means all) SAHMs are motivated by the desire to give their DC a much richer, deeper and more varied cultural life and experience of the world than they feel would be achievable in childcare (or, indeed, at school). Obviously, when SAHM undertake to do this, it is time and energy consuming. DC may not perform better in public examinations (which measure a fairly narrow range of skills in a prescribed manner) than DC who have had less cultural input but those DC are nevertheless very different to DC who have spent a great deal of time in institutional settings.

I would love to by a SAHM but the reality is that if I were we would be homeless as we could not pay the mortgage.

The OP is being smug about the fact that she can stay at home and if only it was a simple choice. How nice to have been able to earn pots of cash before having children so that the mortgage is almost paid off. Lucky her. For most people that isn't the reality.

I completely agree about public exams measuring a narrow skill set. But I confess to finding the rest of that post baffling. Am tempted to ask for some evidence of this 'rich cultural experience' which is evident in home schooled children, and those with non working parents, but not in children of working parents....
But somehow I expect I'll just get some anecdotal ponderings...

Each to their own... Stay home if you want, home educate if you want. It doesn't mean your children will have a richer experience than anyone else's. Of course, if you feel that your own children can only have the rich cultural experience you aspire for them to have by home ed or giving up work then that's fine- and good that you - and your partner- are prepared to make the necessary sacrifices for that to happen. Just don't fall into the trap of assuming that other parents aren't giving their children an equally rich experience.

Reading the thread title made me tthink of Pulp's Common People - "you will never understand ....because if you called your Dad he could stop it all"

Being a temporary SAHP on a career break, on met leave or with the security net of substantial private funds IS different. You can always change your mind.

i think what you will find Morethan & Wonbles is that working parents are just far more efficient at managing their time than SAHP. This is because they have to be - Endless hours to spend on Mumsnet are just not available

I work between 40 and 50 hours a week, pick up my children several days after school, ferry about to various activities, help with homework etc etc - the same as all other parents I imagine - There really is no argument to have.

As long as you are confident and happy with your decisions then it does not matter!

Bonsoir

That's it exactly.
We are all different and decide to do things our way.
There is no right or wrong or indeed a best way to organise our lives.
We do what is right for our dc with the resources we have.

My children are at school. I do everything a sham would do but I work, I like being paid

Borcestershire

I agree with you, however, still maintain I couldn't do half as much as I do for the family, if I was working 40/50 hours a week, even if like you suggest I was efficient at managing time.
It suits me though, many people it doesn't suit.

Having a giggle at 'institutional settings'! Sounds like an orphanage!

Bonsoir, unless you've invented time travel, your DC will spend largely the same amount of time culturally enriching their lives as the next person. How rich it is will be determined more by background, education etc than by the minute-to-minute organisation of their time.

"institutional settings" is not a value judgement - it is, like "outsourcing', merely a describer.

What is school if not an institution?

LCHammer - of course you can organise your DCs' cultural life. I spend an inordinate amount of time both imagining it and executing it. Some of it is fortuitous, but, frankly, not all that much!

Bonsoir - you need to go out more.

I'm rather exhausted by just how much going out it all entails! I think that on the contrary I should like to spend more time at home!

I am expecting child number five, I have spent many years as a SAHP and a WOHP.

As I said before apart from the school run I cannot think of many things that I did as a SAHP that I don't do now.

The main difference is that I spent more time doing things and had more leisure time.

Of course I am certain that by the standards of the SAHM on this thread I was probably a crap SAHP.

As a SAHP my day started at 7am - so I could have a leisurely breakfast with DH or ride my horse before DH left the house. Everything was done by bath time. As a WOHPy day, during term time starts at 5am and ends at midnight. To be honest I have had enough and am considering not going back to work after this baby is born. Not a grand gesture about putting the children first but I simply want to go back to shorter days and leisurely breakfasts.

This is why making sweeping statements about parents is daft. For every mother who wants to dedicate herself solely to passing on mystical skills to her children I guess there is another like me who wants to get to get up later in the morning and have more leisure time.

Bonsoir - if you are exhausted then imagine how exhausted and suffocated your DD must be. I'm not being mean here, honestly. Give her some space. Find a hobby. Go out for yourself.

Besides looking after the child/children during the day if not old enough to be in school, what exactly does a SAHM do that a WOHM doesn't?

I must have missed the fairies that do the housework, the bits of admin that need doing, taking children to activities/parties etc. Its not that hard to clean a house and pay a few bills via online banking. They are things adults just do.

Am surprised to hear SAHMs mentioning housework, usually on MN they still expect the husband to start on the house and childcare as soon as he walks in through the door after work.

I will admit morethan that DH works shift which enables me to do the job I do and be around for the children - we are very fortunate to some extent. Having my own financial independence is something that is very important to me.