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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

999 replies

BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 18:45

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LCHammer · 15/02/2014 14:53

Enlighten us. Use bullet points to make it easier.

janey68 · 15/02/2014 14:56

If you think so bonsoir!
Many of us believe there are many different ways to be a WOHP or a SAHP.
I think I understand the experiences of some of my SAHM friends more than I understand the experience of a WOHM who does a job I know nothing about. And I certainly feel I've got more in conmon with SAHM generally than with a WOH who doesn't have children. I think the parenting experience is perhaps a greater 'connection' than whether we work or not

capsium · 15/02/2014 14:56

?

LCHammer · 15/02/2014 14:56

(That was to Bonsoir, BTW. Who, bizarrely, despite not living in the UK or having little children anymore, has a lot to say about nurseries here.)

capsium · 15/02/2014 14:56

? To LC

capsium · 15/02/2014 14:57

X post. I see.

Bonsoir · 15/02/2014 15:00

Really? I don't find that whether people have DC or not has much to do with whether I have something in common with them. Maybe because I have a lot of interests that have nothing to do with DC?

BorcestshireBlue · 15/02/2014 15:01

Is this still going on! It is a Saturday, true, the weather is pretty awful, but some you seem to have been here all day.

We are all raising our children, it does not matter if we work or not. There are some fantastic working parents and some fantastic stay at home parents; there are some pretty awful ones too. Staying at home or going to work does not give you the monopoly on being a great parent - it is who you are as a person that does that.

janey68 · 15/02/2014 15:07

No bonsoir, I didn't say I necessarily have anything in common with people just because they've produced a child. I said that on balance I would perhaps have more in common with parents generally, than with someone who happens to have a job. Because there are loads of jobs which I have no interest in, or knowledge of. I am completely in agreement with you (for once!) that actually there are other factors aside from children and work which are relevant in how much we have in common with others. Smile

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 15/02/2014 15:22

Replying to op

I'd agree. You are on mat leave if you're on mat leave. Your a sahm if you don't go back to work. You're a redundant sahm if you're made redundant and then are a sahm. But I'd say you only really say the redundant bit up til it's official as then you are simply sahm. Or maybe unemployed.

I view a sahm as someone with at least one child over one who is not in any paid employment but maybe either uses some childcare or volunteers or parent type group.

Can't see that catching on quickly on forms though. Quite why all this makes you cross is beyond me as it's a massive waste of energy?

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 15/02/2014 15:24

Well, I never used a nursery but have a great cm who definitely doesn't have a lowly miserable existence. She loves her job and her minders.

OP, you haven't responded to the point that childcare is not just for the benefit of the parents but that it can be a necessity to keep the baby fed, clothed and sheltered. My pt job brings in £1000 pm after childcare - we couldn't pay the mortgage without this. We don't go on holiday, we don't go out much, I haven't had a haircut in over a year - my wage is for survival, not luxury. Poverty disadvantages children hugely and for many families working is not a choice. So childcare is unequivocally not solely for the benefit of the parents. And good quality childcare can be found.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 15/02/2014 15:24

mindees not minders.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 15/02/2014 15:25

And I meant nearly a year, not over a year.

AnnieLobeseder · 15/02/2014 15:31

capsium, please, you're picking a fight where there's none to be had. Of course it's whole different ballgame when additional needs are involved. I haven't claimed otherwise. Confused

But you can't that there is no such thing as a SAHP outside the wealthy top 10% of the world's population. It's not an essential job like a nurse, doctor, teacher, farmer etc. It's just not. So I don't understand why some women seem to think they deserve a medal for choosing that path for themselves.

AnnieLobeseder · 15/02/2014 15:32

...But you can't *deny

Retropear · 15/02/2014 15:38

Sorry it has been reported that many parents actually do want more time with their children and longer than a measly year of maternity at home.

I hate these discussions.Few families want or have 2 time full time working parents from birth or a sahp forever after the birth.Most families have and want something in the middle and I think more importantly so do children however insignificant that is for some.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/02/2014 15:42

How can I you call a full year off work 'measley'?

ballstoit · 15/02/2014 15:44

Well, I work all the hours that the DC are at school, then do all the stuff at home that sahm do and I'm a lone parent.

So I think you'll find I win at 'hard done by' bingo...which is strange as I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life Grin

May I suggest that if you're not happy with your life, you get off your arse and change it op, rather than trying to persuade yourself that it's everybody else's fault.

OrangeFizz99 · 15/02/2014 15:48

Im guessing, retropear that you have never run a company!

A year is not measly.

Are you saying that gov money would be better spent on longer mat leaves rather than schools, the nhs or emergency services?

capsium · 15/02/2014 15:48

Sorry Annie not my intention to fight with you.

However I do think there are a lot of situations where being a SAHP makes sense, even for those outside the top 10% of earners. You made the statements without considering additional needs, which are not that uncommon. Elderly parents can be very needy, a lot of people get ill and need caring for as well as people having children who at some point may have additional needs. Catering in some way for additional needs is a pretty normal part of life.

The additional needs may not be forever but getting schools or any State institution to cater for any additional need involves a not inconsiderable degree of work, added to this you have to pick up the slack yourself, to safeguard the future.

macdoodle · 15/02/2014 15:49

me too ballstoit, I am a single parent, with a hard busy job. But I am the happiest and most content I have ever been and dont feel the need to criticise others choices!

feelingdizzy · 15/02/2014 16:14

Do those who see SAHM important also extend that right to me and other single parents?
I have reared my kids happily alone(that means I do absolutely everything).I went back when they were 12 weeks old . I was a social worker and re-trained to become a teacher I had to like millions of others. We are fine, they are great almost teenagers now. Our life is not lesser.

capsium · 15/02/2014 16:22

feelingdizzy absolutely important, not that you need me to say it. I'm sure you have had an effect on the lives of lots of people.

HoleyGhost · 15/02/2014 16:28

Reading the thread title made me tthink of Pulp's Common People - "you will never understand ....because if you called your Dad he could stop it all"

Being a temporary SAHP on a career break, on met leave or with the security net of substantial private funds IS different. You can always change your mind.

morethanpotatoprints · 15/02/2014 16:29

As a family we are bottom 2% and I am sahm.
Some of us are skint, not well off at all, but are happy doing what we choose.
It isn't a luxury at all, in fact most luxuries go, especially when the dc are little and need more.
There is also tax credits/FTC if you are not one of the wealthy ones.