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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

999 replies

BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 18:45

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ssd · 15/02/2014 12:38

team, so are all workers full time then, no matter how much of the actual working I'm doing?

OrangeFizz99 · 15/02/2014 12:39

How do you know anything about the standards at uk nurseries op?

oliviaoctopus · 15/02/2014 12:40

I dont bonsoir. I am doing a masters in social work in sept I will have to leave childcare to do it, and its really a wrench. Lots of intelligent people in childcare.

ssd · 15/02/2014 12:42

the op isnt wrong saying that about standards in UK nurseries, I've worked on many of them and temp'd in others and I found is depressing, usually for one brilliant worker there would be ten shit ones.

oliviaoctopus · 15/02/2014 12:42

The pronlem is people like back and bonsoir who have high earning dhs only operate in financial terms. Its hard for people like that to understand someone doing a low paying job for the love of it.

capsium · 15/02/2014 12:42

FWIW I don't think there is one right choice concerning whether there should be one SAHP or not. There are an endless variety of choices best matched to an endless variety of situations.

However I do think it laughable when some parents come across as 'Holier than thou' because they do a bit of part time filing (as necessary as it is) for pennies rather than be a SAHP. Even though there are some very valid reasons why you might choose to be the SAHP, SN for example (not all of which are obvious to an outsider).

I have come across this and people thinking that as a SAHP it is my 'Duty' to volunteer for everything that the school might ask for.

Me bitter no...

ssd · 15/02/2014 12:44

its the working poor who operate in financial terms, people like bonsoir see more than us as they arent constrained by money worries.

OrangeFizz99 · 15/02/2014 12:44

But how does the op know this, right or wrong?

Original poster
BarkWorseThanBite · 15/02/2014 12:46

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 15-Feb-14 11:25:08
Bark, unless you are independently wealthy then you are very much dependant upon your DH. He earns the income not you and as you dont work he provides for your every need. If you were not there he would simply use childcare.

I agree with the poster who made the comment re wealthy husband being seen as a trophy. So many on here admit they chose their partner for his earning potential (recent thread) and it was saddening to see. Surely parents want more for their daugthers than then studying for x years only never to use it as its their ambition in life to find somebody else that will do all the work.

Working shows children you can do it all rather than send the message that boys need to work hard and earn and girls get to opt out of working.

What a horrible post Happymummyofone My children's mummy could not be replaced with a childcarer - what a disgusting thing to say. Also, just because I am not working atm does not mean I could not get a job ever.

OP posts:
Wantsunshine · 15/02/2014 12:46

Of course being on maternity leave for a year is long enough to know what being a SAHM is. Especially if it is your 2nd or third child you are on leave with. Op do you have issues with being a SAHM, is it because you want to make it out that you are doing more that you are and people that have been on maternity see it as an easy option?

zipfork · 15/02/2014 12:47

Nursery for an under two would be far down my personal list of childcare options, and I made compromises to avoid using it for some dc, but I'm under no illusions that everyone can or should avoid using it. People's circumstances are so different.

OP if you want to persuade people that it's worth avoiding full-time childcare, for babies, then you'd do much better to accept its basic validity as one of many options, and work on changing opinions about its relative desirability. Sweeping statements about it being just for convenience, and people not raising their children themselves, won't persuade anyone of anything other than that you want an argument.

OrangeFizz99 · 15/02/2014 12:49

Op - getting a career back after many years at home will be tricky. It is hard for an employer to have the time and energy to retrain people after a huge gap, your cv is unlikely to end up top of anyone's pile.

I know a few sahm who presume that a few years down the line they will go back into the workforce at the same level they were pre children. I find it very hard to believe.

janey68 · 15/02/2014 12:50

Bingo!

The 'I've worked in nurseries and they were shite.'

Says more about you then, not the hundreds of thousands of working parents who are really happy with their childcare choices. Nurseries are among the more expensive forms of care anyway, so a parent is hardly likely to use one they aren't comfortable with... They could look for another form such as cm which tend to be cheaper.

If you're really worried about the care of other people's children, then save your concern for the children cared for by a parent who are neglected or abused. Or for parents who need to work but can't afford childcare and have to use unpaid relatives who may not even be doing the basics such as feeding healthy meals, strapping the child in safely in the car. Look no further than MN for examples ...

I suspect though that this point which always crops up on these threads, isn't triggered by genuine concern though, but by an insecurity.

TeamWill · 15/02/2014 12:52

Er ssd Im not really sure what your point is ? Confused

My DS is going out later - does that make him my part time son ?Grin

capsium · 15/02/2014 12:54

Some of the outside childcare, as in preschool and school, has been shite for my DC Sad.

Adding SN/SEN into the mix can really change your perception of things.

Shouldn't be like that though...

Lauratheexplora · 15/02/2014 12:55

bark, reading the rest of the thread I really wonder why oh why what these mums said annoyed you?

You sound so very content and at peace with your choices, especially considering your views on UK nurseries, so what is it that's pissing you off enough to star a thread which is frankly just Turing into an 'unemployed mums' v. 'Employed mums'.

What's the point and why do you seek justification?

Lauratheexplora · 15/02/2014 12:57

jayne68 yy to your last post!

Op, are you originally form outside the UK?

MothratheMighty · 15/02/2014 12:58

'why is it only parenting that is automatically regarded as full time, even though the toddler is in childcare all day, and to suggest otherwise raises hackles?'

Because if there is a problem, they are still your problem. Waking up in the middle of the night, being ill, being suspended, needing to be at the front of your mind all the time, whatever else you are doing.
In a PT job, if they ring you up and say 'we need you on Monday' you can say 'Sorry, I'm not available'
As a parent, if you are working and they ring you up to say 'She's broken her leg, developed the plague, dismembered a PE teacher and is suspended for a week' there is nothing you can do to delegate that to someone else. It's your problem.

janey68 · 15/02/2014 13:00

Capsium- I have every sympathy with parents who cannot find or afford quality childcare which helps their child to thrive. And as you say, throw SN into the mix and it makes things far harder.

I don't think anyone would disagree with you on that. But there's a big difference between saying what's worked or hadn't worked for your own individual situation, and extrapolating from that, that everyone else should think or do the same. The OP has been extremely judgemental about other people and its truly bizarre, because if she felt totally happy about her choices then I don't see for a minute why she would even care whether working mums know what staying at home is like

TheRealAmandaClarke · 15/02/2014 13:02

Is it like having a mink coat and knowing a couple of women who have faux fur coats and being annoyed because they are claiming to understand what it is to have a fur coat because they have experienced the warm-furry-ness. But you know they can't possibly understand what it's like to actually own a real fur?

Do ppl with real Ugg boots feel like that about those with fake Uggs?

Wantsunshine · 15/02/2014 13:02

When kids are in school is a SAHM the only part time. Is someone who works school hours only therefore a SAHM as they would be the same as someone who doesn't work at all.

chocolatemartini · 15/02/2014 13:05

Surely every sahm/ working/ wahm situation is different? I know several sahms of 3/ 4 kids whose husbands earn shedloads, their lives with nannies and cleaners etc, lunching in nice cafes every day, are very different to the sahms I know who don't work because their salaries wouldn't cover childcare costs or who are single mums on benefits. Not that money buys happiness or anything Envy but it can affect your workload and lifestyle quite a bit.

OrangeFizz99 · 15/02/2014 13:06

Exactly wants - as soon as per school starts the sahm is also part time under these strange 'rules'.

bark has now avoided this question for 18 pages.

ItitwrongtofancyHarryStyles · 15/02/2014 13:07

ssd I'm not sure if you are being mischievously obtuse but:

When I'm at work I'm still a parent. Because, uhh, I'm a parent. My children are not sometimes my children.

When a SAHM goes to the gym/a class/out for dinner and are not physically with their children, they are still a parent.

(And on a more nitty gritty note, even at work, I take calls or emails about the kids, sort arrangements, speak to them on the phone, come home early if needed etc etc - I'm not a non parent at work in a literal or actual way)

Lauratheexplora · 15/02/2014 13:11

Whoops, I am sorry I used the wrong term Blush. Not Unemployed v employed mothers.... Unemployed would indicate being available for work. Apologies, English is not my first language Blush

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