to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

[BarkWorseThanBite]

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

I reckon doing something for 6-12 months is probably long enough to have a good idea about what it entails.

I was a full-time WOHM for 5 months and that was long enough for me to know I didn't enjoy it very much.

capsium this is not about your personal circumstances. Just because you have your own money and property doesn't mean most SAHM do. Most don't and are dependent on their husbands for money - this is the point I am trying to make. And sadly, money is what pays the bills, the mortgage, the kids school trips.

If both parents work, of course they are both dependent on each other. But here we are talking about a situation in which only one parent works and the other one stays home.

Pigletin Have you the figures to show whether I am representative or not?

what a spectacularly unpleasant way to describe my CM OP

I suggest you haven't read the OP then bonsoir! She seems to feel she can only be truly happy with her choice providing she can convince herself that no working woman understands how hard it is to be at home!

capsicum, no figures - I am not a statistician. It's enough to hang around these forums to realize that you are not representative. Even if I'm wrong and you are in fact representative, I don't see how it negates what the previous poster had stated:

unless you are independently wealthy then you are very much dependant upon your DH. He earns the income not you and as you dont work he provides for your every (financial) need.

The old " my husband cant do his job without me at home" chestnut. There are some truly helpless men in this world aren't there. I wouldnt be proud to say my husband couldnt do his job without me, he doesnt need me to babysit him

Thousands of families have both adults working and manage. Some work hours around each other, one does normal office hours so they can use childcare or if both work long various hours a nanny is used.

Pigletin is spot on re SAHMs fooling themselves that they are not dependant upon their partner for everything.

HappyMummy 'my husband cant do his job without me at home' I stand by this. It is true for us. The child care needs would make it very difficult for him to focus on his career. Less so now, with older DC but still difficult. DC would suffer. Yes there has been SEN added into the mix with no extended family nearby for us. But I would be kidding myself if I thought my contribution was insignificant.

Why is it preferable to have a nanny? I could understand this if work was your absolute vocation, but for me the paid work I have done never has been.

And you can still be dependent on your partner's income even if you both work. Financial dependence is not only the preserve of the SAHP.

It's best for our family that I'm at home at the minute.

I've never considered anyone else's arrangements and really couldn't care less about them.

I've got my own stuff to get on with :)

Why does it matter? As someone with fertility problems who may never become a mother I think you should all count your blessings and shut up with the 'my life is harder than yours and you can't understand what it's like'.
Why is this a problem for you op? What difference does it make?

I think the two partners are dependent on each other for money - the wohp simply would not have as much of their salary if the sahp wasn't covering the childcare. This is why I feel very strongly that both partners earn that salary, and also if and when the sahp goes back to work, it's joint money that should then be spent on any required childcare (so working is not automatically defined as pointless if the childcare costs are more than the new salary).

That said, I think you are more vulnerable as a sahp, and more so the longer it goes on, depending on your original qualifications and experience, savings, whether you're keeping your own pension going, things like that. Relationships do sometimes break down, it's a fact of life, and I see quite a few mums whose youngest children are now at school all chasing the same small number of local school-hours jobs round here. Options are limited. So I think it's worth doing whatever you can to keep your foot in the door of an employer, or your business, or keeping your skills up, even if it means keeping some part-time work going and using some childcare, if you can do it in a way that doesn't conflict too much with your personal views about what counts as acceptable childcare. Everyone compromises in some way or another.

Then you've got factors like the security of the wohp's job, the security of your relationship, debt levels, travel considerations, all sorts. Again, more reasons why everyone has to compromise in a different way. Two people could equally disagree with the idea of nursery for under twos but one of them could still end up feeling they have to choose it, and for reasons that really might not be obvious to their friends. It's impossible to generalise.

Quintsezilla this isn't the same - someone who has only been on mat leave has NEVER been a SAHM. I worked for years prior to having children, so I have experienced being a worker

So, does it then follow that if somebody works for just 9 months or 12 months after finishing Uni, and then go on maternity leave, they have no experience of working?

What is it that defines the experience? The length? The intent to either work or not at some point in future?

How will you regard your own Sahm-hood if in two years time you return to work? Will another sahm diss your experience saying "oh, you were only a sahm for 3 years, this is not enough time to know what it is really all about"?

I cannot see that subtext in the OP's post janey68.

FWIW I do think that FT long-term SAHM and FT long-term WOHM when your DP is also a WOHP are very different lifestyles.

Or, how will it be regarded if somebody works for 9 months, or 12 months, then are made redundant?

How does it differ if they become pregnant after being made redundant, become a sahm, and have not made up their mind whether to go back to work or not?

heres a question that probably wont be answered here......

if a part time worker is described as part time as they are only at work for a percentage of the working week, why is a parent of pre school aged children always a full time parent, even if they are only doing the parenting a percentage of the time? The part time worker may be thinking about work when he/she isnt actually there, but they are still only part time, why is it only parenting that is automatically regarded as full time, even though the toddler is in childcare all day, and to suggest otherwise raises hackles?

thats always intrigued me.

That said, the OP's views on childcare are so offensive, ignorant and blinkered it is breathtaking. Now nursery workers are only there because they are too stupid to get a better job? How about those who see working with children as a vocation and do it despite the poor pay and conditions because they love it and see it as valuable? There are many excellent people working in childcare who set a great example to children and do a brilliant job with them. Good childcare can enhance a child's development alongside good parenting. It is crucial that we respect and value everyone doing the very important job of looking after children, whether they are that child's parents or a paid professional.

Jellycake If you enjoy working with children and are able and bright, then surely you would consider a career as a child psychologist or a pediatrician? Nurseries provides some of the most lowly paid miserable jobs in existence - the staff turn over in some of them is shocking.

There are admittedly some fabulous jobs working with children, and I'm not knocking those, but the quality of childcare in many UK nurseries is shocking and it does nobody any favours to pretend otherwise. Sorry.

In your original OP you say they imply they know want being a SAHM is like.
I think that this is about your insecurities and need for validation that giving up your career was worth it.
I would stop worrying about what you think other people are thinking and concentrate on enjoying the time at home with your DC.
Most people are doing all sorts of different combinations of SAH/WOH/WAH and we are all different.
The women you talk about sound nice and you might end up with no friends if you carry on being annoyed with other people because you think they are implying something which they probably are not.
Im sure they are just trying to find common ground - its something we all do.

For what its worth I WOH now but was both SAHP and WOHP in that my DP and I worked around each other with no childcare.
I enjoyed my days at home and my days at work and at times equally didn't enjoy them either depending on how I was feeling.
Such is life.

bark - Most nursery workers do it for the love, and would find it much easier than you if you find being a sahm hard.

Agree with Quintsezilla that there are so many shades of the SAHM/WOHM thing that you could always come up with "oh, but you don't know what it's really like".

Most children in the UK go to school at 4 which only gives you a very limited period of SAHM-ing unless you either have multiple children or choose to home-school.

And even if you have been a worker before, that gives you absolutely no experience of what it is like to be a worker with young children.

What it boils down to is that nobody knows exactly what anybody else's life is like because you are not that person living exactly that life. Hardly seems worth pointing out.

ssd you cant be a part time parent you are either a parent or not.
I as an adult haven't see my DM this week - she is still my mother .

but the quality of childcare in many UK nurseries is shocking and it does nobody any favours to pretend otherwise. Sorry.

That I agree with completely.

Bark, you say in one post 'I can't go to work....so I have to stay at home'. Then, in a later post, you say you're 'lucky enough to stay at home and appreciate the opportunity to do so'.
I'm not entirely sure therefore whether you do have a choice, or are forced through lack of child care to stay at home, and it's really none of my business anyway. But the one thing I dislike is those who have to stay at home, because they cant afford childcare, but masquerade this as a choice that they made in 'raising' their children. I think we're all entitled and free to make our own decisions as we wish, but to dress it up in a way that is more likely to encourage guilt or competition between parents just grates.

Most low-paid service workers, be they nursery workers, food industry, care home, cleaners or whatever else do it because they have little choice.

if a part time worker is described as part time as they are only at work for a percentage of the working week, why is a parent of pre school aged children always a full time parent, even if they are only doing the parenting a percentage of the time?

Because parenting is not the same as childcare.

BarkWorseThanBite

You sound put out by what these two mums said to you at toddler group.

Have you thought a bit about why this situation annoyed you? Did you feel they were condescending? Are there any aspect of being an unemployed mum that bother you or where you feel you are making too big a sacrifice?

I can't help it, I really don't want to judge your post negatively but you come across like you want some kind of 'well done' for giving up work badge .

Did you use to be a successful professional or did you have any job at all? If yes, did you enjoy it or were you glad to get out?

Threads like these are really unpleasant imo. Not everyone has a choice to stay at home. Not everyone wants to. I guess if a mother is quite intelligent and interested, it would probably get way too boring to not work at all. I am not working now, after dc2 and although I love being with dc all day long and pottering about at home or in the garden, I find it mind numbing. That's why I do OU modules in the evenings when everyone is asleep.

Also, I really doubt that there is a homogenous experience of being an unemployed mum.