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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

999 replies

BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 18:45

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

OP posts:
thinking101 · 15/02/2014 11:26

happy well adjusted children

Jinsei · 15/02/2014 11:28

Good childcare can enhance a child's development alongside good parenting.

Yes indeed. DD spent four hours a day with a nanny when she was very small, and I genuinely feel that this was a tremendous benefit to her in many ways. Our nanny brought strengths that were different from those offered by my husband and myself, and I believe that she made a real contribution to my dd's development. More than five years after we moved away from the area, our old nanny is driving half way across the country next week to see my dd, as she does every year. The bond remains very strong. Not all childcare is sub-standard! Wink

ssd · 15/02/2014 11:30

you seem to have raised a lot of hackles here op.

as a mum of older kids heres my view.

mums who argue that they are full time mums even though they are out the house 9 hrs a day are kidding themselves on.

mums who think giving up work entirely for the benefit of their kids are kidding themselves on.

kids will get by in most situations.

we all do whats right for us as a family and sod everyone else.

posters on mn who bang on ad finitum about how right their choices are/were come across as protesting a bit too much....

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 15/02/2014 11:30

Stop reading it Where

I don't listen to comments about being a working mum, being a young mum blah blah blah.

You made the decision that was best for you, screw everyone else!

capsium · 15/02/2014 11:32

HappyMunmmy

Bark, unless you are independently wealthy then you are very much dependant upon your DH. He earns the income not you and as you dont work he provides for your every need. If you were not there he would simply use childcare.

Not necessarily correct. I, for one, am not replaceable by childcare. If we were both working it would have been difficult for DH to make the career choices he has. On several occasions he has had to work away. This has benefited his career. If we were both working this would be much more difficult. He is dependent on me as I am on him. Our extended family do not live nearby. We couldn't live together if they all did and would have to choose between families to live near.

In a way I am independently wealthy because I possess the drive to do what I think is right and the hope to think it is possible to achieve this. So when we have faced problems we have got through them,.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 15/02/2014 11:33

I was at home for 14 months before going back to work. My DS now goes to nursery 2 days a week and I can assure you that my DH and I are raising him. What an insulting thing to say.

God, parenting's always a fucking competition isn't it.

(I meant to write this reply last night but couldn't get on mn for hours).

Jinsei · 15/02/2014 11:35

mums who argue that they are full time mums even though they are out the house 9 hrs a day are kidding themselves on.

Why is that, then? I don't kid myself that I do the same amount of childcare as a SAHP (though actually, now dd is at school, there isn't a huge difference). However, I do think I am a full-time mum. Working to provide for my child is also a part of parenting, is it not?

Do dads who WOH cease to be fathers while they're at work? Do SAHPs cease to be full time parents when their kids start school?

No, we are all parents, all of the time.

MothratheMighty · 15/02/2014 11:35

No, they really can't understand how relaxing and wonderful life is as a SAHM if they've only had a little taste of it.
The hours spent nurturing and enriching and trotting to the park to feed the ducks, cooking lovely meals with organic components, the time to spend making sure your nest is lovely.
The washing and ironing and hoovering and hand-crafting Christmas decorations and gardening and all those other lovely lovely activities.
For years, I had several SIL who were SAHM, two have never worked. I have no idea what their lives are really like, but then they don't understand mine either. Fortunately we don't play top trumps, we accept the different choices we made.

janey68 · 15/02/2014 11:36

Usually right- once again, showing yourself to be totally unable to quote other people accurately.

I didn't say there is anything wrong with being proud of ones husband. I am proud of my husband for all sorts of things, including being a great dad, and really good in his profession.

I think there's something really weird about the OPs view, where she smugly gloated about the fact that her husband earns a lot of money. She was presenting that as some sort of reflection on her. Like I said, talk about living vicariously through another person...

OhMerGerd · 15/02/2014 11:36

@barkworsethanbite

Lol. This whole thread is stupid isn't it. There is no ideal way to parent and we all make choices on a matrix of indices so complex it makes no difference what another family does.
But I think your sentence about how your family is not dependent on the state in any way gives much away about your perspective. You're making a lifestyle choice that many cannot afford and then claiming some sort of moral high ground ... For what? to Justify your choice to yourself? You don't have to justify it to anyone else you know.

Btw my family is not dependent on the state in any way either, (though I am glad the state would pick up the slack if need be and I don't begrudge a penny of my top rate tax that pays to keep children out of poverty) but the difference between us is that I am not dependent on my DP or parents either and neither is he. I don't think people who are dependent are beneath me, I can't understand why you would choose it because I do find the idea of being so scary. That's my hang up I guess.

Anyway ... :) hope you have a lovely day. I am enjoying mine lounging with the DP and DD. Too windy here to go out .

WhereIsMyHat · 15/02/2014 11:36

Thanks Puds11

You are correct, I must not read these threads they're just annoying and make you feel crap. Off to click the hide button, have fun everyone.

MetellaEstMater · 15/02/2014 11:38

And MN is the only place where I get told in not raising my own children and leaving them in the care of less educated strangers just in it as a commercial transaction Where.

But these threads to come up enough to make me wonder if some of the women I meet when dropping off DD at preschool are judging me when I head to the tube and then they see a nanny or grandparent at pick up.

Pigletin · 15/02/2014 11:38

In a way I am independently wealthy because I possess the drive to do what I think is right and the hope to think it is possible to achieve this.

I am not sure your drive and your hope will be of any use when you go to the supermarket to buy groceries.

Foodylicious · 15/02/2014 11:40

Why is this topic always some sort of competition?

Everyone should do what they like and stop banging on about how hard/easy they have it compared to others and how much better this way is than that.

Have some self worth and stop looking for validation in other people.

capsium · 15/02/2014 11:41

Pigletin It has been already actually. Groceries is an area where it is possible to make huge economies. I have managed to save us £5,000 a year recently on groceries.

usuallyright · 15/02/2014 11:42

Janey, you always invest an extraordinary amount of time to vigorously defend your position as a wohm. Why is that? I work and yet I am somehow able to see how spiteful the wohms become on threads like this. Why can't you see this? And why do you spend an inordinate amount of time defending wohms on threads like this?

ssd · 15/02/2014 11:42

jinsei the way you only quoted back to me a small bit of my post shows your insecurities, nothing more.

Pigletin · 15/02/2014 11:46

capsium that still doesn't answer the question of who pays when you go to the till. I find it difficult to understand how women don't see that they are in fact dependent on their partners for MONEY. Yes, you could be providing other help, support, childcare, etc. but money is something that SAHM are dependent on their husbands (unless of course they have an independent income or savings).

janey68 · 15/02/2014 11:48

Metella- I think we all know that when the snidey comments about 'sending your children off to be raised by less educated low paid strangers' pop up, the real subtext is:

' I have decided to give up work because that's what I want to do. However, I want everyone else to realise what a huge sacrifice I've made, so I'm going to desperately hope that my children will be noticeably happier, do better at school, and end up with a more successful life than the children of working parents. That way, I've got some sort of tangible 'proof' that I did the right thing'

The SAHP that I respect are the ones who are really honest about the fact that they are Making the decision which suits their family. They don't claim any moral high ground, they don't think their children are going to be 'better' than the children of working parents, they simply know that they are doing the right thing for them
And these SAHP would never feel the need to start this type of thread..... Interesting, that!

Jinsei · 15/02/2014 11:48

jinsei the way you only quoted back to me a small bit of my post shows your insecurities, nothing more.

Er, no. I have many insecurities, but my decision to WOH is not one of them. I read your overall post and agreed with much of it, but I disagree with your use of language. You're free to defend your choice of words if you wish, but please don't patronise me by assuming that I disagree because I'm insecure. Hmm

littlemslazybones · 15/02/2014 11:49

Either I am very shit with babies or very good with children but I think comparing maternity leave to SAHM-ing like saying you know what it's like to take a pleasant walk through a park because you once ran through a war zone.

janey68 · 15/02/2014 11:50

Oh and usually right, it's not an 'inordinate' amount of time. About 10 mins so far on a Saturday morning, alongside doing other things. I wouldn't dream of starting a thread to 'defend my position as a WOHM'... Why would I?
I will, however, defend WOHM when they are attacked with the sort of shit the OP has spouted Smile

capsium · 15/02/2014 11:50

Pigletin I have money and property, although no income. I could pay. My husband is dependent on me also. He could not have progressed in his career as easily without my support.

If both parents need to work surely they are equally dependent on each other if they need both saleries?

MothratheMighty · 15/02/2014 11:50

Will you please stop talking sense janey, it's not in keeping with the spirit if this thread at all.

Bonsoir · 15/02/2014 11:53

janey68 - I don't notice anyone suggesting they are sacrificing anything and requiring applause because they decide to SAHM. That subtext is a figment of your imagination.

However, some SAHMs (not all) use the extra time with their DCs to pass on specific skills that are not easily available for hire.