to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

[BarkWorseThanBite]

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

No need to read the thread back as I've read it already whilst posting. Perhaps you could post one example?

alarkthatcouldpray - and I don't know anyone who did keep sending their older DC to nursery. Just goes to show yet again that we all have different experiences, eh?

usuallyright, any "attacks" on SAHM, were made to sepcifically show the OP how ridiculous her assumptions were. She started the thread, and then seems quite shocked that we didnt all say, oh yes well done, of course they have no idea, you made the best sacrifice ever, because of course the best thing for the child is to be with their mother 24/7!
I WOHM, out of choice and necessity, I have 2 DD's and am a single parent. I also have a professional, quite stressful,well paid job which I love. I am lucky enough that I work flexibly, so actually spend quite a lot of time raising my children myself.

I know very few people in RL who feel that they got the work/life balance exactly right. Most people have worries and regrets, and some are defensive about their choices (because admitting those regrets out loud is too scary).

Why is it so hard to acknowledge that there are good and bad things about being a WOHM or a SAHM. I made a choice and I have regrets; I am very aware of the disadvantages of the path I chose, but I also want to feel that what I did has some advantages.

People who chose a different path from me have those same feelings, and a lucky few people feel that they got the balance just right. They are usually extremely grateful to whatever unusual set of circumstances made that possible.

Metella I was the same? I stayed home with DS for 9 months while umming and ahhing over returning to work.

I do know what the pressures are of being a SAHM, because I did it for the best part of a year. I am sad it wasn't for me, because I honestly felt like I would be a natural mother pre DC and not want to return to work.

examples: telling someone to eff off and clean their oven. Calling sahm ing a 'shrunken lifestyle' asking what you'll do when the husband leaves in 10 years, they'd be 'climbing the walls' etc... same old, same old...

@Barkworsethanbite ''SAHPs consider the benefits that they bring to the family in how the children will be raised and judge that they justify the risk and the downsides'

Depends how you want your children to be raised and what values you think are important. I'm not one who sees many benefits from any one person being financially inactive and dependent on others for the food they and children eat, clothes on their backs or roof over their head. I'd be very concerned and quite frankly ashamed if I did not make use of my skills, talents and education and would consider that to be huge risk to how my children were being raised, to set them an example that involved a parasitic dependency on another person, or a family trust fund or the state. In fact I've always felt that such an example in 21st century is a huge risk to children's future well-being and development and DP and I have moved hell or high water not to expose them to that risk. It would have been easier time wise for one to SAH but weighing it all up we decided that taking that decision would just be for us as parents to make our lives easier and that the children would benefit from learning independence, socialising with their peers and developing skills in a safe and secure envirlaziness is not a good enough excuse to

When I said it must be scary to be. SAHP I meant it must be a a dependent. To know your children are being set an example of the dependency culture.

I think this may have moved on a bit but...

I work part time but know exactly what it is like (physically) to be a SAHM to my two dc. Because they are 4 and 7 and I work school hours, so I do everything with them that a SAHM would do. All pick ups, drop offs, clubs, homework etc. Similarly I know what it is like to be a SAHM to a toddler and a baby, because I was on mat leave for a year with dc2.

However, I have never experienced the emotional side of knowing that I would be out of work for years and years, not earning anything and not knowing whether I would be able to get back into a rewarding job when the dc were grown up. So if that is more what you meant then I guess you are being slightly less unreasonable.

I am at home with toddler DD every day but work part-time on a self-employed basis in the evenings.

Am I a SAHM? A WAHM?! Does it matter?! I don't see that it does to be honest. Somebody else's choice (or, quite often, lack of choice due to financial or other constraints) to work or stay at home with children is completely irrelevant to me. So I suppose I don't understand why people care.

If people are going to quote, they should at least try to put it in context. The reference to 'shrunken world' was about people with a mindset like the OP. It wasnt a pop at SAHM in general. The fact is, a SAHM who is perfectly content with her choice won't be starting a passive aggressive thread on MN attacking WOHM. The comments on here have been to the OP, not SAHM in general. The OP has shown herself to be judgemental and extremely small minded.

I'm not one who sees many benefits from any one person being financially inactive and dependent on others for the food they and children eat, clothes on their backs or roof over their head. I'd be very concerned and quite frankly ashamed if I did not make use of my skills, talents and education and would consider that to be huge risk to how my children were being raised, to set them an example that involved a parasitic dependency on another person, or a family trust fund or the state.

This is a very narrow take on things. For one thing the SAHP may have contributed financially in a very significant way for years. There are plenty of way to make money. They may own valuable property or have investments for example, which can have quite a significant effect on financial security. If SEN or SNs are added into the mix the cost of even adequate childcare, if you can find it, can be exorbitant. Skills and talents can be put to use elsewhere and can have real life value as opposed to monetary value eg caring for someone, volunteering.

OhMerGerd - I don't think that's a fair analysis. I agree that there is benefit to modelling two independent working parents to children. But there is also benefit to keeping the childcare/domestic tasks within the home instead of outsourcing, particularly if one parent has a well-paid job with highly antisocial hours. It's not dependency so much as co-dependency.

That being said, it's a foolish SAHMs who doesn't make sure they maintain their own savings and investments in case the worst happens.

I usually find that people who vociferously criticise....sorry 'discuss' other people's choices are generally insecure about their own choices.

The oven response was because the op was very smug about her dh bring a high wage earner and insulted anyone would think otherwise.
The what will you do if, not what will you do when, comment was not an insult! Unless misquoted as you did. Have a look at the relationship threads if you believe it to be a non issue for sahms.

Usually, can you find an example which you can quote accurately and where you have understood the context?

Actually, as a WOHM, I agree with the OP. Obviously, women who have been on mat leave do understand the day to day mechanics of looking after small children, but psychologically, I think it's quite different. On mat leave, you don't lose your sense of identity outside the home, like many people do when they become SAHMs. You don't lose your long term financial independence, or your pension provision. You don't sacrifice your career prospects. I think it must be quite frightening tbh.

It would be interesting to look at the number of posts from mothers complaining that they do everything around the house and that their children won't help or perceive it as the role of their mother to do all the housework, and then see if there is a corrolation between that attitude and the number of years the mother was a SAHP. In that it is seen as their job, and that TABU to expect other members of the household to take on washing/cleaning/cooking etc.
OH was the SAHP in our case, he worked at home at weekends and some evenings.

so now sahms are parasites who ought to be ashamed? Lol!
Still, it's better than being called a prostitute, which actually happened on one old thread :)

How is a WOHM saying that being a SAHP would have her 'climbing the walls' offensive? When I say I'd climb the walls if at home all day, it's a negative reflection in me, not SAHPs who have the positive attributes (patience etc.) to be at home. Seeing the expression as a pop at SAHPs is a prime example of martyrdom - looking to be the victim.

please don't patronise Hercules. I understand perfectly. I can also gauge the implicit message between the lines, usually dropped in casually with the sole intention of causing offence.

Sorry, just to clarify, I agree with the OP's assertion that being on mat leave is different from being a SAHM. I do not agree with her view that having a SAHP is a preferable way of bringing up children.

ooh look at me, I'm just sat here expressing my innocent opinion #innocent face

Its 50/50. A parent on maternity leave knows whats its like to look after the child/chidlren without the constraints of work as well. On the other hand being on maternity leave rather than a SAHM means you have the knowledge that you are still employed, have the financial means to support yourself rather than the burden being on a partner etc.

Mums on maternity tend to say that if asked what they do rather than say they are unemployed for x months.

Jinsei

On mat leave, you don't lose your sense of identity outside the home, like many people do when they become SAHMs. You don't lose your long term financial independence, or your pension provision. You don't sacrifice your career prospects. I think it must be quite frightening tbh.

I felt the fear but did it anyway. This is because it was what I wanted, if I am very honest, and for us it has been right.

I worked for years but geared up for the changes on having DC. I made sure I was in a position somehow where it was the only choice to make. Was this is because it was the right thing to do for us or was it because I wanted it? Or did I want it because it was the right thing to do in our circumstances? Not an easy question to answer. Going forward I just look at making the best decisions to suit my family and myself.

There have been events in our lives that would have been very difficult to cope with if I hadn't made the decision I did.

I am broad minded enough to understand that some parents want to be SAHP. But I confess, I cannot begin to get my head round why anyone would see it as a source of pride and be smug about the fact that they have a high earning husband. Talk about living vicariously though another person! It's as bad as mothers who have aspirations for their children yet dont go out and grab these things for themselves...

Fair enough to be proud of ones own achievements, but to brag about the fact that your husband had a high flying well paid career...?
That's exactly the sort of thing which lays people like the OP open to being criticised back. I can well understand the comment about 'getting back to cleaning your oven' if a woman is pathetic enough to use her husbands salary as some sort of 'trophy'. It's on a par with some sad middle aged man thinking that having a younger woman on his arm is some sort of achievement