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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

999 replies

BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 18:45

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SetPhasersTaeMalkie · 15/02/2014 08:52

I don't think you're puzzled in the slightest OP. Just out to cause a bit of trouble. Amazed to see so many people taking it seriously.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 15/02/2014 08:53

Well you're very easily surprised then because it does give you an "insight" into what it might be like to be a sahm.

Or maybe your life is so special and untouchable that no one can possibly imagine it. Is that the point?

Shot. Hiding this bloody irritating smug fest now.

Standinginline · 15/02/2014 08:53

Tbh I found being a stay at home mum to a baby (I have two children ) mentally exhausting. Even though my second one was good as gold it's still mind numbingly boring.

However ,being a SAHM to a toddler is soooo much easier for me ,and that's with a hyperactive one. I love it. Never gets dull ,he's starting to communicate.

So yes YABU.

ItitwrongtofancyHarryStyles · 15/02/2014 08:54

Hercules - it's not the housework you've missed out on per se, it's the housework + sanctimonious self sacrifice that you haven't put in Wink

hercules1 · 15/02/2014 08:54

So in your opinion your dh isn't raising your kids? How bizarre! Didn't you say in an earlier post your 2 eldest go to preschool? How does that fit in then?

MissBeehiving · 15/02/2014 08:55

My children are being raised by wolves

My DCs are at school and I work school hours so in practical terms I fulfil the same practical functions as a SAHM without the sacred covenant and hazing ceremony obv.

TownhouseMummy · 15/02/2014 08:55

Widow wadman, when I discussed school, this includes "pre-school" too.

Oliviaoctopus I didn't intend to suggest my life is harder. In many ways it's probably much less stressful. One of the reasons I choose up stay at home is that I don't want to be juggling childcare and a career (and I am fortunate that I am in a position to sah, although financially we're not as well off). It's just different and spending quality time with children whilst not working out of the home is not the same as sending them to daycare for the majority of the day.

PenelopeLane · 15/02/2014 08:55

As someone currently at home with 2 under 2.5 and technically on mat leave, who is currently trying to decide whether or not to go back to work in October, I find it bizarre that to the OP that one decision will make all the difference to whether I am a "real" stay at home mum or not.

Either way I'm still me, living my life, changing nappies, going to toddler groups, having good days and bad days and doing everything I can to be a good mum to my children.

And by the way it's hardly "a few weeks" - even if I do go back to work, by the time DS turns 3 he would still have had a stay home parent for two of his three years.

summermovedon · 15/02/2014 08:56

YAB silly and U. It is a bit like an utterly deee-lightful mother I met and ran from at a birthday party, who announced that being a working mum was a "lifestyle" choice, but of course these working mums couldn't possibly then be spending any sort of "quality" time with their school aged children. You don't get a medal for being a SAHM any more than being a working parent. And you can not bloody compare it to lone parent vs DH who works away ffs. Ridiculous and patronising.

cory · 15/02/2014 08:57

But won't some women on maternitry leave also have been coping with a toddler and older child?

Dh and I have had all sorts of different arrangements: me at home fulltime, dh and I both part-time, me at home part time and childminder, me at home fulltime but writing a book etc etc.

I can't say any one of them has given me any special deep insights that the other arrangements failed to give.

Nor do I believe that my insights are deeper than the ones that dh got.

Or those of my friends who couldn't afford childcare, so husband and wife had to work in shifts (not at all uncommon around here).

In all cases we were looking after our children.

LCHammer · 15/02/2014 08:57

I'm sorry - but that is nothing like being on mat leave for a few weeks, is it?

You've downgraded the M/L from 9 months in your OP to a few weeks now. You're doing well. Fan the flames a bit more.

Original poster
BarkWorseThanBite · 15/02/2014 08:58

WidowWadman Sat 15-Feb-14 08:28:42
"If a child spends a part of their day at daycare, this us time when the wohm is not taking direct responsibility for their play, learning, discipline and emotional well being (how can they, they're not present?)"
But children of SAHMs spend time in preschool and later school, too?

That's true WidowWadman I take your point, but I think the difference is about whether the separation is for the benefit of the child or the parent. Someone who is using 8 to 6 daycare for a 10 month old - the baby doesn't benefit from this - it's for the parent. A 3 year old going to preschool - the parent may appreciate the break, but it is state funded because it benefits the child.

OP posts:
macdoodle · 15/02/2014 08:58

Yep me too. OP you're arrogant smug and judgmental, and playing it as a oh I'm just saying I just don't understand is plain passive aggressive. Did you mean to do up WOHM because you just keep digging that hole bigger.

capsium · 15/02/2014 08:58

I think as parents we have to be very careful when justifying our choices, that we don't judge other people too harshly for their choices.

We are all different, our family's needs are different. We have different strengths and weaknesses.

Personally, I am quite single minded, a bit of an all or nothing kind of person. Juggling and conflict of loyalties stresses me. Added to this if my heart is not in something I can be quite ruthless about dropping it. People pleasing is not my mission in life, although I do agonise over upsetting people sometimes but needs must.

Probably why SAHM suits me, my priorities are more straightforward. Although not completely, I still sometimes stress over balancing the needs of my extended family over our nuclear family sometimes. When I was working I would still stress over family commitments and work.

If money was a real issue and my working was the surest way of raising funds over economising, or liquidising some assets my priorities would change though.

I really do not expect others to have real insight into my life, although I am thankful for some attempt, unless they project so much they end up being grossly patronising. That is where I am likely to metaphorically shoot them down just a little, if my temper gets the better of me, just to fill them in. Grin

oliviaoctopus · 15/02/2014 09:00

townhousemummy - My children come to work with me, and its not that hard. I hate cheesy quality time. I just am with my children like Im with my friends or whoever. Its really not a big deal, hard or anything else.

bickie · 15/02/2014 09:00

I can see where OP is coming from because if I'm really honest - I guess I feel the same - but the opposite. On my day off, when I just wear gym kit to drop the kids off, I am self conscious in case anyone thinks I am a SAHM. I could have chosen either financially so a bit different I guess. But I am so proud of the fact that part of raising my children is showing them I can care for them emotionally as well as financially. I would never give up that part of my identity. So I guess OP is talking about - she wants to be identified with the sacrifice, as I want to be identified as not becoming dependant on my DH.

macdoodle · 15/02/2014 09:01

Wow that was plain bitchy, maybe that mother has been left by her husband, and HAS to work to keep a roof andfood oover that baby's head. So definitely for it's benefit. You sound like a right mardy cow.

Quinteszilla · 15/02/2014 09:01

Please tell me if have you lost your insight in to working life now that you no longer work?

It seems to be the logical consequence if working mums no longer on maternity leave can't express themselves about the time spent at home.

hercules1 · 15/02/2014 09:01

Yes, I have missed out on self sacrifice!
I love my job and it pays well. I have a good pension too and good job security. Looking back , youngest is 10, I am very glad I didn't give up my career. If earn more than dh and could carry on financially by myself.
The choice about being a sahm is trivial to me now and wouldn't have made a jot of difference in how my dc have turned out yet I have a career etc.
I have worked bloody hard over the years, as has dh, harder and more pressured than had I stayed at home but then I would have done no more housework being at home than I've done whilst working. I've never understood women who find housework takes all day.
Good luck op and I hope that you don't regret your choice when dc are older. I don't regret mine and it's worked out well as financial independence is important to me.

capsium · 15/02/2014 09:01

I just want to be identified as me.

PenelopeLane · 15/02/2014 09:02

I think as parents we have to be very careful when justifying our choices, that we don't judge other people too harshly for their choices.

^^^ this

LCHammer · 15/02/2014 09:02

sending them to daycare How does one do that? I've always had to walk or drive them or drop them off at CM. Is there a door-to-door service so you can trully send them off and not have that be a big part of the daily juggling? Also open to suggestions about how to cart them off.

macdoodle · 15/02/2014 09:02

Ooh sorry that was to OP thread to quick for me.

CaptainSinker · 15/02/2014 09:02

You come across as Passive-Aggressive and judgemental. Why does it matter what others think? You make the choices that are right for you and your family.

I work full-time. I am not coming on here greeting that SAHPs don't know what my life is like.

Working parents are also raising their children. When I am not there my toddler DD is with her Dad (SAHP) or grandparents. Soon she will be going to nursery. Am I not raising her when I am not in the room? Who raises your children when you go to the toilet? You seem to want to bring other people down to justify your own choices. Try being a bit more happy in yourself. But keep in mind that if you claim any tax credits, subsidised playgroups, child benefit etc other people are working to support your choices.

This whole manufactured debate is very silly. Parents are just people doing their best for their children.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 15/02/2014 09:04

someone using 8-6 daycare.... It's for the parent
What a bitchy, unfeeling, smug and judgemental comment to make.

Perfect trolling and I fell for it.

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