to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

[BarkWorseThanBite]

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

itiswrongtofancyharrystyles Perplexed by your outburst. Didn't the fact that I told you I elected to be a SAHM give away my secret agenda that I think being cared for at home by your mother is a preferable way of raising children?

Not everyone who SAH 'gives up' their career, I paused mine for a couple of years, my husband paused his for a couple of years with our second. Neither of us stopped working completely, even though we were SAH til both went to pre-school aged 3.

Perhaps we weren't SAH enough?

I wouldn't find it helpful to think of giving up careers- in a 40 year career in which we are going to have to work til 70 I would think of it as a temporary pause. My mum didn't return to work til we were at secondary school but still had a 20 year career subsequently.

We all have different experiences so unless you have exactly the same life as someone else you can't know what it's like. There is no one standard for a SAHP or a WOHP. I WOHP mostly, do hours that suit school hours and have one day off during the week. I don't spend that day off doing the housework, this week I spent the whole day on the sofa with my cats. I watched several episodes of Breaking Bad and they mainlined catnip, do not suppose anyone else did that.

Can't we just accept everyone's different and support people in those choices instead of point scoring and trying to make others feel guilty for the choices (or what life sometimes forcing on them).

TownhouseMummy Sat 15-Feb-14 08:55:08
Widow wadman, when I discussed school, this includes "pre-school" too.

Oliviaoctopus I didn't intend to suggest my life is harder. In many ways it's probably much less stressful. One of the reasons I choose up stay at home is that I don't want to be juggling childcare and a career (and I am fortunate that I am in a position to sah, although financially we're not as well off). It's just different and spending quality time with children whilst not working out of the home is not the same as sending them to daycare for the majority of the day.

Totally agree with you TownhouseMummy Can't believe anyone can seriously think it is

I was having a discussion yesterday with one of the mums saying her mat leave was up soon and she had no idea how she was going to cope working full time with everything she does now.

We agreed that its easier on housework as the house stays tidier and cleaner, and that somehow, whether you are a SAHM or a WOHM everything gets done.

Gets odder and odder this thread. Dh worked nights for a few years so we swapped over childcare- as I came home he went to work. Used a mixture of nursery, childminders, Montessori, grandparents, shift working over the years and in recent years before and after school care.
Dc benefitted massively from these including clothes, food and a roof over their heads. I admit to being selfish but my wage hasn't been my own to spent on shoes and make up for the last 18 years!

What the fuck is daycare? I call troll.

OP does it really matter? Only someone insecure in their own choices would be bothered about a comment made at a toddler group. As your children get older (and you get more cynical) you will realise how ridiculous the mind games played by mums of toddlers and babies are - I have been dragged into it in the past and now I just shrug and walk away!

Usual - I challenge you find anything you do with your children that I don't do with mine.

As your children get older (and you get more cynical) you will realise how ridiculous the mind games played by mums of toddlers and babies are - I have been dragged into it in the past and now I just shrug and walk away!

Well put. I'm not wasting a Saturday on this thread.

It is a viable choice for some ppl mrsdevere
As is claiming the moral high ground.

"aibu to think that I am a better parent than you because my husband earns enough money that I don't have to go out to work? "

Do people have time to discuss this shit. Really?

My life is harder than yours, I do more for my kids than you blah blah blah.

It's is why I waited so long to have a kid. The thought of becoming 'one of them' was so depressing. Luckily I've found loads of mothers are in fact normal human beings who don't read criticism and judgement into every passing comment from friends and acquaintances. Surely this pish only really exists on MN.

Aarrrghhh! So annoyed I re read rather than hid.
Right. Hiding now. Sorry for delaying it.

Whenever these threads come up in AIbU I feel like shouting go and hang out in relationship thread for a bit. The number of SAHM the other end of the jjourney of 'raising' their children. Who are left by their DH after 20 years if marriage is hear breaking. If course I am not saying it happens to everyone. But it is a very slippery slope to create an identity only around your ability to be at home with the children.

Quinteszilla Sat 15-Feb-14 09:01:19
Please tell me if have you lost your insight in to working life now that you no longer work?

It seems to be the logical consequence if working mums no longer on maternity leave can't express themselves about the time spent at home.

Quintsezilla this isn't the same - someone who has only been on mat leave has NEVER been a SAHM. I worked for years prior to having children, so I have experienced being a worker

Ah, it all becomes clear now. What the OP actually wants is recognition for the sacrifice she has made for her family.

Well, here's the bad news, OP. There are no medals for self-sacrifice and martyrdom. Never have been.

And all this "I'm doing what's best for my children" is bollocks too because I can assure you that pretty much all children turn out fine whether they have a SAHMs or not.

The truth is that most SAHMs stay at home because it's either what they want or it's just more convenient given their particular family set-up. Apart from the unfortunate few who can't afford to work.

We all make our choices, we all do our best, we all raise our children and frankly, nobody else cares.

Bark, so giving up your 'professional' career is what sets you apart from others. Do you regret it more than you thought you would? It certainly seems to be weighing on your mind.
Do you think it is easier for women to stop working if they were not professional?
And you are being judgemental about women who work. You talk about children being in child care for ten hours a day when it has been pointed out to you several times that very many people manage to work while their children are at pre-school (like two of your children)and school.
What insight do you have into the lives of working mothers?

I am with my DC for probably 80% of their waking day each week but I also work a couple of shifts a week (in a career type job) I don't use child care.

Yep - OP's either a twat or a troll. Either way why don't we all move on...

Is this about properly giving up a career then? Because I was a SAHM for 5 years, and sort of viewed it as an extended maternity leave I suppose. I never thought I wouldn't resume my career at some point. But I had a pretty good understanding of being at home with small children and no personal income, because that'a what I was doing.

Bark, you have never been a working mother. Not even for nine months. You can't possibly have an insight into the life of a working mother.

That's true re viable choices. Had I had dc with someone who earned a massive wage then I might have been a sahp. I'll never know as it's never been an option for one of us not to work.

Oh and one more thought before I tootle off...it's amazing how quickly children grow up.

When your kids are 13 and 12 like mine you might have a very different view on your past choices...

I think your just trying to make out your doing something impressive barkmummy when really what your doing isnt that big a deal at all.

hercules1 Sat 15-Feb-14 09:01:23
Yes, I have missed out on self sacrifice!
I love my job and it pays well. I have a good pension too and good job security. Looking back , youngest is 10, I am very glad I didn't give up my career. If earn more than dh and could carry on financially by myself.
The choice about being a sahm is trivial to me now and wouldn't have made a jot of difference in how my dc have turned out yet I have a career etc.
I have worked bloody hard over the years, as has dh, harder and more pressured than had I stayed at home but then I would have done no more housework being at home than I've done whilst working. I've never understood women who find housework takes all day.
Good luck op and I hope that you don't regret your choice when dc are older. I don't regret mine and it's worked out well as financial independence is important to me.

Yes Hercules can totally see how you are pleased with your choice. Work was very important to me before my children came along, and used to be the key thing in my life. I hope I too can look back in 10 years and feel equally pleased with my choice. I think we just need to understand that different things are important to different people and respect those choices.