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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have daughter passed around to strangers

157 replies

Marasmummy1 · 13/02/2014 19:50

My OH likes to carry baby (3mths old) in his arms while we're out and about and hands her over to complete strangers to coo over which really gets my back up. I've explained my reasons for not liking it (they are strangers, paranoid they'll try to kiss her that sort of thing) but he thinks I'm over-reacting. Am I being a paranoid FTM??

OP posts:
bruffin · 14/02/2014 13:15

love my child but only with my permission and in the in the way I want'.

Its scary how possesive parents on MN seem nowadays. They treat their children like toys, dictating how everyone else should treat the poor thing. There are some really control freaky parents out their and I fear for their children.
It seems human nature to want to interact with babies, its how babies learn.
Never take a baby to a greek wedding, I remember when my little sister was a baby she was passed all over the hall. My mum said one of the things she noticed about greek men when she married my dad was how good they were with children.

meboo · 14/02/2014 13:18

Best thing I ever did letting all and sundry look after my son. He has always been confident and not clingy and is sociable with everyone. He is 11.

Martorana · 14/02/2014 13:20

"Yanbu, not only is it too cold to have her out of the pram in this harsh winter weather, it isn't really safe for her to be carried about like this continually!"

Where do you live, Norway?

As others have said, babies are very good at letting you know how they feel- if she doesn't like it, she'll tell you! Mine loved being handed round!

Bubblegoose · 14/02/2014 13:21

I wouldn't like this. At all. Not because of germs, just because it's my baby and not a puppy.

I too find it weird how people say "well in X country it's acceptable so you should suck it up!" Good for them but that has no bearing on another situation.

Floggingmolly · 14/02/2014 13:22

You frequently passed your dd round various passengers on the bus, DeWe, including the driver? Why??? Maybe I've lived in London too long; but I can't believe a busload of fellow passengers regularly clamoured to hold a complete strangers baby or that you let them Hmm

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 14/02/2014 13:22

Of course it's safe Confused FFS how on earth did the human race survive before we had prams...

Some really, really bizarre and paranoid views on this thread.

Martorana · 14/02/2014 13:23

Well, it is a sort of puppy isn't it? Just another baby animal?

TamerB · 14/02/2014 13:23

she is a small human with feelings and need of rest

Why not listen to he feeling then. If she is held by a stranger and smiling she is happy. If she is unhappy she will cry. They really don't want rest all the time! Poor things!
I think there are a lot of mothers who interpret the baby's feeling to suit their own.

I can't think a mother who is terrified of strangers and thinks them all dirty and irresponsible is doing their child any good. It is partly why the second child is better off, the mother has relaxed.

I am sure that it is the modern day phenomena that is is all about my baby -as bruffin says, treated like a toy. It is such a shame for all-most of all the baby.

TamerB · 14/02/2014 13:25

Most people don't actually want to hold or touch the baby anyway!

HazleNutt · 14/02/2014 13:27

passing child over to strangers when they have not expressed any interest to hold her is weird.

And OP, about the He isn't a believer of men carrying babies in slings - I was out and carrying my 3 month old DS in my arms, just like him. I tripped. Was totally sober, not running, just tripped. Could happen to anybody. If I had DS in carrier and my hands free, I could have grabbed something or used my hands to break the fall, now I couldn't. In some miraculous way I managed to fall in a way that I had bruises all over, but DS was fine, but I get cold sweat every time I think how easily I could have seriously hurt him. I know, freak accident, but it makes a hell of a difference if you have your hands free in such situation.
Get him an Ergo Performance or any other "manly" carrier.

FederationPresidentBarryFife · 14/02/2014 13:29

YAB so so U. It is really depressing reading this thread - It is so great that people are so generous with babies, they love them, they want to hold them.
So people want to connect with YOUR baby, that is so lovely, they are interested, in the baby in YOU, they care. Your baby is surrounded by interested, kind and keen adults. What a fabulous privilege and what - you make them use a fucking hand sanitiser or strap the baby is a sling to out them off. So: you don't like the baby being loved? Experiencing other humans? GET A GRIP!!

Bubblegoose · 14/02/2014 13:34

So people want to connect with YOUR baby, that is so lovely, they are interested, in the baby in YOU, they care.

But that's all about what other people, strangers want. What about what the OP wants?

If someone wants to connect with me or my baby they can stop to say hello.

flatpackhamster · 14/02/2014 13:36

pumpkinsweetie

Yanbu, not only is it too cold to have her out of the pram in this harsh winter weather, it isn't really safe for her to be carried about like this continually!

Really. Where is the danger in a 3-month old baby being 'carried', please?

The stranger part is even worse, all those germs & continually waking up baby to show her off, how odd

The strangest thing of all is how you're treating the dad. You seem to be acting as if he's some mental incompetent who doesn't understand that a baby might be sleeping or cold. What an appalling attitude from so many of you. You're all "oh, what about the baby's feelings" but the dad can go fuck himself, amirite?

FederationPresidentBarryFife · 14/02/2014 13:37

Yes, but the baby has two parents and one seems fine with it. Plus - I understand the impulse to be protective of course - but this is AIBU. And I say she IS being totally U. However understandable, it isn't reasonable to put your personal prejudices regarding strangers ahead of your baby experiencing LIFE. Colds and cold sores and all!!!!

Procrastreation · 14/02/2014 13:41

Not read the whole thread - but a bit Hmm about carrying a baby being unsafe. I've in fact had that comment while I had DD in a sling.

Yes you could trip - but your protective instincts will kick in. I tripped in my own house with DD once - dropped everything but her.

It's to do with assessment of risk. For every 'trip' story - I can give you a dozen stories of buggies rolling away/tipping over/dogs bounding at/finger pinches etc etc.

Don't demonise the bloke for doing things his way.

Bubblegoose · 14/02/2014 13:41

Yes I'm sure this life experience will hold the baby in good stead in years to come. [hmmm]

Have you actually read about what cold sores can do to babies?

Grennie · 14/02/2014 13:44

Cold sores can be seen and so easily avoided. Most people carry the cold sore virus even if they never have cold sores.

flatpackhamster · 14/02/2014 13:45

Bubblegoose

Yes I'm sure this life experience will hold the baby in good stead in years to come. [hmmm]

Yes, I'm sure the baby will be traumatised because dad let some strangers cuddle it.

Have you actually read about what cold sores can do to babies?

Why not hermetically seal the baby to ensure that it never catches any cold?

Bubblegoose · 14/02/2014 13:52

I just don't see the value in having my baby being a prop in a stranger's life. I don't like being hugged by strangers but I don't feel like I've lost out on any valuable human experience!

I don't care about colds and minor illnesses. I don't ask anyone to wash their hands, and I live in a developing country and still take my small children outside. I was just pointing out that cold sores can be fatal to small babies.

TamerB · 14/02/2014 14:54

But that's all about what other people, strangers want. What about what the OP wants?

I think we lose sight of the person and that doesn't seem to matter-the baby! (they are people with their own ideas!)

What about what her DH wants-he is the parent-he is out with the baby and he is equal parent. My answer would be to go out alone and do it my way. I don't expect my husband to dictate to me what I should do with our children when I am out alone with them.
Think of the outcry on here if someone said their husband issued instructions on how they were to carry the baby and who they could talk to and who could have access to the baby! Somehow it appears to be OK the other way around.Weird.
The other people, the baby and the father don't appear to matter as long as the mother gets her way!

ThatBloodyWoman · 14/02/2014 15:58

Bodygoingsouth, just logged back on and wish to respond to your comments directed at me in the wee hours.

I pointed out that a medical emergency is quite different.

Many of us have exposed ourselves to risk to help a child and I think that's quite instinctive.

My personal choice would be not to hand my child to strangers for cuddles.

I don't see how you have somehow twisted that into me being the sort of person who would not administer first aid to a child who needed it. Confused

sadbodyblue · 14/02/2014 15:58

I do think mumsnet is a strange little world.

still I will look out for all those baby snatching paedophiles and old ladies with cold sores, people with weak arms who drop babies, and vile sil/mils with flu.

I hear that a magpie flew away with a baby last week

TamerB · 14/02/2014 16:05

The clear answer is that her DH continues to take her out and be sociable, she can do it her way when she takes her out.

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 14/02/2014 16:19

Years ago when ds was a baby I was on a train coming back from Blackpool. I'd been to meet up with family and was heavily pg with dd1. Ds was 15 months old. A group of drunk men got on and started smoking and drinking. One of them made a beeline for our table. I was polite and didn't say anything to him when he was babbling to ds and taking his teddy and playing peekaboo with it. Ds was laughing. Suddenly the bloke stood up and grabbed ds and stumbled down the train with him to his friends and passed him around the group of men who like I said were smoking and drinking. I panicked and started crying and demanding they passed him back. They found it funny and kept kissing him and saying "ooh isn't mummy scared of us..." Ds started crying at this point and reaching out for me. Eventually one of them realised how distressed we both were and made them give him back. I'd never felt so helpless and guilty that someone had been able to grab my child. When I gave birth to dd1 I told strangers that she was poorly with a cold and therefore clingy so they wouldn't ask to hold her. I'm really not precious about my children I just want to protect them from rough handling. Looking back I'm sure those blokes on the train didn't mean any harm but it was frightening none the less.

ThatBloodyWoman · 14/02/2014 16:25

That sounds like a horrible experience YourMa.Sad