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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have daughter passed around to strangers

157 replies

Marasmummy1 · 13/02/2014 19:50

My OH likes to carry baby (3mths old) in his arms while we're out and about and hands her over to complete strangers to coo over which really gets my back up. I've explained my reasons for not liking it (they are strangers, paranoid they'll try to kiss her that sort of thing) but he thinks I'm over-reacting. Am I being a paranoid FTM??

OP posts:
Martorana · 14/02/2014 05:50

Breaking news, folks. Babies and adults are different-and like different things!

bodygoingsouth · 14/02/2014 06:02

the debate turned to the fact that people might breathe germs on a baby.

babies can also breathe germs into people. that's life.

it's a nonsense attitude and an unhealthy preoccupation with some posters.

op I am sure your dh doesn't hand over your baby to strangers and bugger off.

massive overreaction.

TamerB · 14/02/2014 07:35

People keep equating babies with themselves and personal boundaries etc. it is entirely different. The baby doesn't have those issues. If the baby doesn't like it their response is immediate and obvious. They don't put up with something so as not to hurt feelings! They are perfectly happy if they continue to be happy and relaxed.
The answer appears to be to let DH and baby out alone and then she doesn't have to watch.

Booboostoo · 14/02/2014 08:18

YABU OP. People are idiots, they kiss babies when they have cold sores (yep, friend brought 9yo daughter with massive cold sore to meet my newborn and I had to stop her from kissing the baby), they can pass on colds which is not the end of the world but who wants to nurse a newborn with a cold, they have diseases like whooping cough which are usually fine in adults but life threatening to the very young, etc. Why take the risk with complete strangers?

Booboostoo · 14/02/2014 08:19

YANBU obvsiously, sorry OP!

Electryone · 14/02/2014 08:25

Until MN I never realised how many odd paranoid people there are, not about the germs but about the child stealers we apparently have just waiting on a random stranger coming up and asking them to hold their baby so they can scarper eh?!!

PenelopeLane · 14/02/2014 08:25

I don't like my dd (4.5 months) being passed around so get where you're coming from OP, but my reasons aren't germs, more that she gets very unsettled when more than a couple of people she doesn't know cuddle her in a short space of time. Maybe am being precious - albeit precious second born - but I don't care, it upsets her so I don't like it. I didn't mind so much with my pfb DS though as he didn't mind.

TBH I'm not too fussed about germs anymore though. Nothing a stranger could give her is likely to be worse than all the bugs DS brings home from daycare.

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 14/02/2014 08:33

Sorry but you are being PFB. I can't believe people are so ridiculous about someone kissing their baby. No, babies don't drop down dead of they cone into brief contact with a coldsore ffs! And the comment about someone's arms not being strong enough literally made me laugh out loud.

You should lighten up, I think it's lovely. Best place for a baby is in arms - slings good too as they save your arms :o

TheScience · 14/02/2014 08:37

Babies do die from exposure to cold sores, so I don't think that's a ridiculous concern tbh.

TallGiraffe · 14/02/2014 08:41

Babies bring joy, let them spread it with cuddles!

We are a clergy family, from the first week our son was at church he has had hundreds of cuddles by doting old ladies. It made a lot of people happy, and now I get to enjoy peaceful church services because he spends te service toddling off to spend time with his fan club!

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 14/02/2014 08:44

I'm sure they can, but it's not as common as earlier made out on this thread. Babies can die from catching a cold too in rare circumstances, maybe all children with baby siblings should be barred from schools and nurseries.

TamerB · 14/02/2014 08:49

I'm sure people don't do it if the baby is unsettled and doesn't like it! It appears to me to be the mother who is unsettled and doesn't like it while the baby enjoys the attention!

Where do you know all those people with cold sores? I have seen one the entire winter- and I doubt whether he would have been amenable to holding a baby let alone kiss it!

FamiliesShareGerms · 14/02/2014 08:57

OP I'm afraid I'm with your OH (who is entitled to bring his child up in his way too). You are being ridiculous. As are the posters with concerns such as people "not having strong enough arms" to hold their precious bundle.

There's a difference between that "pass the parcel" thing that can happen at big gatherings, which I didn't really like but DS did and it meant that eg auntie who only sees us once a year got a cuddle while DS was little. But I doubt very much that happens most days when you are out and about, does it? Are you really complaining about one or two people getting a little cuddle?

In any case your LO will soon be too big and wriggly to carry for any real length of time in his arms, so you will both need to use a sling when you are out.

CarolineKnappShappey · 14/02/2014 09:04

I would be more worried about your DH being such a numpty about using a sling.

Grennie · 14/02/2014 12:10

When I was younger in the UK, nobody seemed to mind if old ladies played with or had a cuddle from random babies. I think it is the more natural order of things. Most babies enjoy this - and if they don't they soon tell you! And many elderly people enjoy this.

I do find the modern attitude of you shall not touch my baby or toddler or interact with them, but you shall be very accomodating and understanding when they are being a pain, a strange one. It treats the baby more as a pssession and is a very individualistic view. I blame Thatcher and the conservatives for ushering in a generation of people who do generally look at the world in a very different way.

TamerB · 14/02/2014 12:15

How true, Grennie. It is supposed to be 'love my child (however irritating or badly behaved) but don't touch! So many parents believe 'my child, my rules' -which is only true if you stay at home without visitors.
You never used to have this attitude and now all strangers have germs and cold sores!
I bet her DH never hands her to more than 2 or 3 people an outing, if that. OP doesn't want her handed to anyone-even if they put on a gown and mask and were sitting down so they didn't drop her!

Xenadog · 14/02/2014 12:21

YANBU!

Why would it ever be appropriate for your child to be passed around to strangers to touch? I don't understand that.

It wouldn't be acceptable for a 7 year old to be picked up by strangers so why a baby? As for the comments about how they do things abroad - so what? That's their culture maybe but it isn't ours.

OP definitely put your baby in the sling.

Grennie · 14/02/2014 12:26

Xenadog - It used to be our culture too. And the difference is most 7 year olds would not like this, we recognise that. Most babies do.

oldwomaninashoe · 14/02/2014 12:56

I do not agree with passing around newborns, DS1 caught my sil's cold and for six weeks had difficulties feeding because he was so congested.
I never ask for a cuddle of a newborn as I also think being passed around unsettles them, as they get older and a bit more resilient I think it does no harm and its nice to have your DCs admired Grin

TamerB · 14/02/2014 13:04

People insist on seeing all children as the same.
Of course you don't do it to a 7 yr old!! A 7 year old wouldn't like it. The baby is fine. If the baby doesn't like it the baby doesn't allow it.
Why on earth would a baby be like a 7yr old? or an adult? Confused
Someone once said you wouldn't treat a piece of china like that as if what was good for valuable porcelain was good for a human!
I comment on abroad because we are always told how they are child loving and the British are not. The British are not because they are scared stiff of offending the mother who is very clear on 'love my child but only with my permission and in the in the way I want'.

DeWe · 14/02/2014 13:06

Dd1 used to be passed around a lot. Particularly on the bus, she frequently was passed between the passengers, even one of the bus drivers used to like to have a cuddle (obviously the bus was off at the time).

She rarely was ill-she had her first cold at 14 months old, and had only had one ear infection at 8 months, and no other illnesses.

pumpkinsweetie · 14/02/2014 13:10

Yanbu, not only is it too cold to have her out of the pram in this harsh winter weather, it isn't really safe for her to be carried about like this continually!
The stranger part is even worse, all those germs & continually waking up baby to show her off, how oddShock

What happened to people just peering into the pram?

TamerB · 14/02/2014 13:10

Babies are people-not a possession!
They have their own ideas. You could hand round my DC1, you couldn't hand around my DC2. The first loved it, the second didn't. It was obvious to all.
Is OP really saying that her husband hands around an upset, protesting baby? Hmm I suspect husband and baby love it-OP dislikes it.
As soon as they can walk and talk people have to take notice and stop transferring what they think onto the child.

pumpkinsweetie · 14/02/2014 13:11

and it isn't pass the parcel, she is a small human with feelings and need of rest

MerylStrop · 14/02/2014 13:13

I never minded with my 3. Wouldn't have liked it especially in the first two or three weeks but after that was glad to have the opportunity to pass them over to the lady in the bakers or the librarian for a bit. Made everyone happy.

It's your prerogative though OP, if you don't like it explain to your OH. I'm sure he doesn't just hand her over willy nilly without using his judgement as a parent about to whom and in what circumstances.

Snurk at antibac gel

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