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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

who is being unreasonable here .... my mum or my dad ( please as im caught in the middle lol )

85 replies

mummywithsmiles · 13/02/2014 13:52

So my parents split when in was 5 ..however dad has always been apart of my life.
He met his partner when I was 9 and she had 4 kids ( I was the youngest of all the kids )
Her eldest son 3 yes ago had a daughter and they asked my dad if her daughter could call him grandad as she his dad wasn't around neither was the mums and my dad had been around for the last 10 years or so - this wasn't an issue.
Fast forward 3 yes I have a lil girl and the whole thing of her calling dads girlfriend gran has come up...now my daughter has a gran my mum who loves her v much. She is very offended about her being called gran as she isn't my daughters gran and she is.
Step mum has been OK , I don't dislike her she has done some really nice things for us but has never really included us as an whole family it was a bit like my dad,her and her kids and then my dad and us.
But she has been quite supportive whilst daughter has been sick and gave us some money.

So dad wants her to be called gran like he is to her grandaughter but my mum doesnt .

OP posts:
Calloh · 13/02/2014 13:56

I think he's being unreasonable. Is there a way this could be resolved amicably? One be called Nan, one Gran?

What does your partner's mother want to be called? Often there are more than one gran.

Would you be able to say step-gran?

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumEEEEK · 13/02/2014 13:59

Sounds like a tough situation and I can understand both side's POV but really the question is, what do YOU want to do. Who do you want your daughter to call 'gran' - both, one, or neither?

The situation with her eldest son is different as his dad wasn't around - your mum is, and biologically, she is your daughter's gran.

Would it be possible to find a compromise you're happy with? (If you are happy with one, of course). Your mum is 'Gran', your step-mum is "Grandma (her name)" or "Nanny (her name)" - she's still included, she's still being called a grandmother, but having her name there might create a distance if that's what you're aiming at.

At the end of the day, the decision isn't up to them at all - it's yours and, when she grows up, your daughters :)

MrsSquirrel · 13/02/2014 14:01

Maybe she could be Granny [Name] or some variant of nan/gran and her name.

ApprenticeViper · 13/02/2014 14:02

Would your step-mum settle for being called nana, nanny, grandma or another name of that ilk?

If Gran is the preferred name, then I think that as a blood relative your mum should get first dibs on it really.

My mum's parents split up when she was in her teens, and both my grandparents had re-married before I was born. The step-grandparents were always called by their first names not helpful Grin

Original poster
mummywithsmiles · 13/02/2014 14:03

Seek have reservations because I know my dad will treat both girls as equal but I do feel that step mum will treat her granddaughter diff to my lil one so I do think that if she is to class her as a nan then she should be treated like her other granchild as my dad treats hers like his own but I do feel for my mum.

OP posts:
Rowgtfc72 · 13/02/2014 14:04

Fil is grumps and his partner is granny ( name). Works well for us.

Cringechilli · 13/02/2014 14:05

Your mum is being unreasonable IMO. My parents are divorced so my dc have 3 sets of grandparents. All are granny, nanny, nanny Joyce, grandad Bill or whatever. My dc didn't know which were the biological grandparents until they were old enough to ask (aged about 3 or 4).

You should say to your mum that actions speak a lot louder than words - her presence and actions towards your child will define her position, not her title or your stepmother's title.

ScarlettMantleplume · 13/02/2014 14:06

I agree that whatever your mum wants, it will be up to your daughter. DS even calls his great aunt Nanny Mary because he heard me calling her Aunty Mary and his cousins calling her Nanny. I think my own DM was less than chuffed at having to share with her sister, but tough really! *not her real name.

Original poster
mummywithsmiles · 13/02/2014 14:08

Its not the nan or gran thing my mum doesn't want her to b called gran or nan ha

OP posts:
Original poster
mummywithsmiles · 13/02/2014 14:12

My mum is nanny and does deserve her title seen as ages taken us both in and visited my daughter everyday in hospital ...for 5 or more hrs to help me. ......dads girlfriend has never even called herself my step mum so just found it strange she wants to b called nan...maybe I will just leave it and say its up to dd when older enough

OP posts:
Funnyfoot · 13/02/2014 14:18

Leave it to DD they come up with their own in the end. My DC'c call PIL little nanna & granddad my parents big nanna & granded. Maybe she will call her nanna so and so.

lljkk · 13/02/2014 14:19

The more gracious person is the one who will accommodate.
If they both dig their heels in then I would choose for them, add a name to make it easier, like

"Granny Amy" & "Granny Sarah".

steff13 · 13/02/2014 14:21

What does your daughter call your husband's mother? Most people have more than one grandmother, it's not unusual for there to be multiple people in a child's life called grandma or whatever.

Honestly, I can see your mom's point, but it seems a bit silly to be fussed about it, IMO. Calling your stepmother "gran" doesn't take anything away from your mom.

TheNightIsDark · 13/02/2014 14:21

My stepdad is the DCs grandad. They call my actual dad by his name. We don't see a lot of my dad whereas my stepdad treats them as blood.

Can she be nanny x or granny x or something?

KatyN · 13/02/2014 14:22

I'm not sure how hold your little one is.. but when my son was born I named all his grandparents different names.
grandma and grandad for my parents
nanny and grandpat for Mil and her partner
Nanna and grandad for my fil and his partner.

I was a bit unhappy with two grandads but they wanted that. 2 years on my son calls everyone their assigned name except my dad who is called his christian name. he overheard my dh calling my dad his name and picked it up.

So I can see everyone's problem, but try not to get too worried because your daughter might fix it herself in a year or so!!!

k

Lottiedoubtie · 13/02/2014 14:24

I think your mum is BU and quite bitter tbh.

Your DD will know who the 'real' relation is, but to her who she likes/spends time with will ultimately depend on how they treat her not what she calls them.

Original poster
mummywithsmiles · 13/02/2014 14:29

My daughter is 6 weeks old and not even home yet so is calling no1 anything ha
But yh her dad isn't around if his mum wants to be involved she will be nan/gran. I think my mum is being a bit precious its her first grandchild.

OP posts:
thegreylady · 13/02/2014 14:29

I have a unique pet name given by my step dgc (who I love dearly) It starts with gran then the pet name. We have lots of blended families in our lot and no one minds at all. Dsgc have Grandma Nana and me Granxxxxe. They have Grandad, Grandpa and Big Grandad :) My own dgc in UK have Grandma (me) Granny (their other blood gm) and Nana (step gm). Tbh I think your mum is being very unreasonable its the person's interaction with the child that counts not the name.

Gonnabmummy · 13/02/2014 14:31

If you don't have a problem with her having a name like gran or nan then she should have.
I think your mum is being unreasonable.
Your step mum isn't your dads latest fling or short term girlfriend (in which case I'd understand)
Both mine and my partners parents have split and are all with new long term partners/wife/husbands which all have a title, yes I know grandparents galore but none have them have been put out by this as they are all mature adults.
There's too many to have different names so we just have nanna x and nanna y

MaryWestmacott · 13/02/2014 14:36

I think your mum, while understandably miffed, doesn't get to decide who is and isnt' in her DGD's life. Your StepMum is part of your life, she's not the reason your parents split and the fact that her future DGC will have a step-grandmother is one of those things following on from parents divorcing. You weren't raised in a nuclear family, your mum can't start stamping her foot that you aren't going to act like it now.

You don't mention what your MIL is called, it's normal for there to be more than one 'granny/nanny/nan' in a DCs life, is your MIL part of your DD's life and what's she called? I would go with something different to what your mum is called, so if your mum is nanny, then your SM could be "Granny [Name]" - it's different enough, and if she's the only one with her name used, it will show the different relationship.

Callani · 13/02/2014 14:36

Coming from an (extremely) blended family, I had 3 Grandmas, 2 Grannies and 1 Nonna growing up - never got confusing, nobody minded and everyone was happy. I always knew that Grandma 1 was Dad's Mum, Grandma 2 was Mum's Mum, Nonna was Dad's step Mum and so on and so forth but all that mattered was these were lovely women who wanted to be involved in my life.

I think your Mum is BU not letting your step mum be called grandma or whatever. Surely it's better to have more people who love your daughter?

KellyElly · 13/02/2014 14:37

It's not up to your mum. She has her relationship with your DD and has no right to dictate terms on anyone elses. She is being U.

BillyBanter · 13/02/2014 14:38

The name doesn't matter, it's the relationship. I think your mum IBU.

Perhaps suggest to your mum that you train DC to call step gran Witchety-hagface McBastard so that she won't like her as much as 'gran' to show her how ridiculous she's being in thinking it's the name that matters not the relationship she fosters with her GC.

MaryWestmacott · 13/02/2014 14:42

Cross posted with you re MIL - have you tried mentioning to your mum that there's a good chance your DC will have another granny/nanny in her life anyway? Your mum is being silly she will get over it.

Sadly, it's often when first grandchildren are born or when you get married, that's when you see that your parents who might have shown you as happy friendly divorcees when you were a child, really don't like each other and aren't happy with the step parent relationship you have! This is when the "friendly divorce" mask can slip. But that's your mum's problem, not yours. resist any attempt by her to make her emotional problems about her exH's DP (who wasn't the reason for the divorce by the sounds of hte timings) your problem.

Icelollycraving · 13/02/2014 14:43

Do you consider her your stepmum or your dad's wife?
Back your mum up. Awkward situation,one I have. I am nc with my dad,he doesn't even know I have ds. My mum has been with her husband for nearly 20 years & would love for him to be called grandad. My sisters had their dc first & they call him by his name,I followed that. It would have been a bit confusing for one grandchild to call him grandad.