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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

who is being unreasonable here .... my mum or my dad ( please as im caught in the middle lol )

85 replies

mummywithsmiles · 13/02/2014 13:52

So my parents split when in was 5 ..however dad has always been apart of my life.
He met his partner when I was 9 and she had 4 kids ( I was the youngest of all the kids )
Her eldest son 3 yes ago had a daughter and they asked my dad if her daughter could call him grandad as she his dad wasn't around neither was the mums and my dad had been around for the last 10 years or so - this wasn't an issue.
Fast forward 3 yes I have a lil girl and the whole thing of her calling dads girlfriend gran has come up...now my daughter has a gran my mum who loves her v much. She is very offended about her being called gran as she isn't my daughters gran and she is.
Step mum has been OK , I don't dislike her she has done some really nice things for us but has never really included us as an whole family it was a bit like my dad,her and her kids and then my dad and us.
But she has been quite supportive whilst daughter has been sick and gave us some money.

So dad wants her to be called gran like he is to her grandaughter but my mum doesnt .

OP posts:

SingMoreWhenYoureWinning · 13/02/2014 14:43

I think your mum is bu. 'Gran' or 'Nan' etc are often used by more than one member of the family.

There could easily be multiple grandparents anyway. My children have seven biological grandparents living, 2 grandfathers and 5 grandmothers (mine and dh's mums, both of my grandmothers and one of dh's.)

They are Nanna Dot, Nanna Sue (both wanted to be a 'nanna'), granny, nain and mamgu.

My own grandmother was just 'Nanna' growing up. Since we had dc and my own mother then wanted to become 'nanna' , MY grandmother has become 'nanna dot' even to me...because when I would say 'nanna' to the dc they'd come back with 'which one?'.

AtiaoftheJulii · 13/02/2014 14:45

It's awkward, but it's true that it's not up to your mum. My dh has a step mother, let's call her Jo. When our dd was born, she was going to be Granny Jo. Now, my fil always calls her Josie, and as he called her that in front of the kids, that's what they have actually grown up calling her. Which is nice as no one else calls her that, and sort of works as she's not a blood relation, but I do sometimes feel a bit sorry for her as she is a much better grandmother than my MIL but didn't get the formal recognition!

MIL never talks about her, so wouldn't comment on her title, but she did tell her then-husband (he died) that he didn't get a title because he was "nothing" to the children.

So, um, your mum is BU.

Original poster

mummywithsmiles · 13/02/2014 14:45

Her paternal gran if she sticks around unlike her Son will be nan so originally it was
Nana and nan. Dads girlfriend wasn't even really thought of until dad come to visit daughter ( she hasn't been disc arched from hospital yet) and said nanny c is coming to see you soon in which my mum got a wee upset, probably because first grandchild and my mum has barely left her side and his girlfriend has yet to see her once in 6 weeks yet.

OP posts:

Timetoask · 13/02/2014 14:45

I am with your mum on this one.

SingMoreWhenYoureWinning · 13/02/2014 14:46

I also call my dads godmother 'Auntie Lou' even though she's actually no relation to me.

I think tagging a title onto a name is nice for important extended family members. If it was a gf your dad had shacked up with 6 months ago I'd say your mum had a fair point, but she's a long standing family member and (to me) 'deserves' a title to recognise that.

Littletabbyocelot · 13/02/2014 14:46

My father's wife (not my step-mum as I was an adult when they met) will be some version of granny to my twins. This isn't about the adults, it's about not creating artificial family differences for my kids. It would be natural to say 'grandad and grandma' so why shouldn't they? So I think your mum is being unreasonable - no-one else's relationship with her grandchildren takes away from her.

Having said that, if my dad insisted on my step-mum being called grandma, I'd probably be quite annoyed. It's not a right, it's something that I'll choose to do until the littlies are old enough to choose for themselves.

Original poster

mummywithsmiles · 13/02/2014 14:49

Icelolly I've never called her step mum and vice versa always dads girlfriend and partners daughter to her.

My grandad on dads side died before I was born , she remarried before I was born ... I love her husband as a grandad but have never been allowed to call him grandad by my dad.

My nan will also be called granny.

OP posts:

Weegiemum · 13/02/2014 14:50

In our family (both my and dh's parents are divorced):

My Dad and Stepmum (fwiw I stayed with my Dad when my mother left when I was 12) are Grandpa and Gran.

MIL is Grannie.

FIL is Opa (he's German). His wife died recently - she was Auntie Kat.

My mother and her husband were Granny and Grandad but as we've had no communication with them for almost 10 years now () it doesn't really come up.

But I've told my dc that I have "dibs" on Gran when the time comes!!

hamptoncourt · 13/02/2014 14:51

your mother is being unreasonable. Is she normally this controlling?

WelshMaenad · 13/02/2014 14:52

I think the more people a child has in their life that loves them and looks after them, the better life is for that child. And if you want to acknowledge that caring role with a 'pet' name, that's entirely up to you.

My own grandmother died when I was eleven, but I had a really close relationship with her sister, my great aunt. My children called her Granny (my own mum is Nonna, and MIL is Grandma). MIL used to go off on one EVERY TIME the kids mentioned Granny in her earshot. "She's not actually their Granny though, is she??". We saw Granny weekly and MIL about three times a year and she doted on my children, so I had no problems telling MIL that we would call Granny 'Granny' if we so chose but it was a real bugbear for her and she drove me crazy over it, and I hated her for it. It was so petty.

If YOU want your DD to call you stepmum Nan or Gran, do it. Your mum will have to swallow it, sorry.

PandaNot · 13/02/2014 14:54

We have this situation too. Both my dh parents are remarried. His stepmother has been in his life since he was ten, his current stepfather only since he was 22 so there is a difference in status as he's never had a 'father' role, he just happens to be married to his mother at the moment. All the biological grandparents are grandma/grandad variants. The step-grandparents, for want of a better term, are called by their names. His step mum understands this and has no problem at all with it. His mother however insists of writing cards etc from grandma and grandpa - we write back using to grandma and J! The standoff will go on I think bit since we never see each other face to face we can cope. I'm with your mum on this.

sweetheart · 13/02/2014 14:55

We had a slightly similar situation to you several years ago when our dd was born and our nieces and nephews.

We have on my side grandma and granddad
On my husbands side we have nanny but then we also have granddad and sarah (let's say )

When dd was first born even though me and dh call Sarah by her name we tried to introduce her as "nanny Sarah" to the children of the family. Over the years the children have developed their own relationships with her - none of which are very strong (same situation as yours, she has HER family and we're not part of it) the children have dropped the "nanny" part of their own accord and now just call her Sarah too. They obviously have decided they don't feel close enough to her to give her the honour of being their nanny.

Nanny0gg · 13/02/2014 14:57

My mother died before I met my DH, and my father married again when I had my DC. I never thought of her as my stepmother, but she was the only granny my DC had and that's what they called her.

It's hard for your mum, but to be honest (especially as it's a different name), she really doesn't get to have a say.

Jess03 · 13/02/2014 14:58

I think you should address your mum's feelings, recognise with her that she's made a bigger contribution and will be closer to your dc whatever the step mum ends up being called. I would say to your mum that it's not right to score points or make step mum feel bad especially as this is a very long standing relationship and what she's called won't change the facts on the ground.

peggyundercrackers · 13/02/2014 15:01

my dd calls her gran her mum or mummy - because thats what we call her and she copies us, my nephew did it and so did my niece because they copied us. when you correct her you get a frown and a wft look from her then she just says mummy, we just laugh, sorry i cant get precious over a label or title...

Original poster

mummywithsmiles · 13/02/2014 15:05

I just feel like I don't want to upset either of them ..BTW I don't even know dads girlfriends view lol ...she hasn't bought it up once, I have had one Congo with her since daughter was born when i rang to say thank you for the card and money she sent and all she said was I'm sorry I haven't visited her its not that I don't want to its that I know it was a really personal time for all of you and didn't want to intrude ( daughter was extremely poorly )

I know my mum is passionate about it because my mum is actually a really civil person and has always welcomed Dad and his girlfriend in tto our home and doesn't have any issues with her but has had a fee with my dad but always leaves them to the side.

My mums issue is i was never seen as one of there whole unit. My dad was her kids step dad but I wasn't her step daughter.

OP posts:

Pigletin · 13/02/2014 15:09

I would go with your father on this one. You say you are afraid your father's partner will treat the two little ones differently, but if you give them different names you will be setting the tone for that. Maybe now is the time to show that you make no difference between how your child will call your mother and your father's partner. Like one of the posters above said, I don't think it' a good idea to create artificial family differences for kids.

Original poster

mummywithsmiles · 13/02/2014 15:16

My dad is popping in soon to drop some stuff off I will discuss it with him ... Just wanted to clear some thoughts in my head first.

OP posts:

Gonnabmummy · 13/02/2014 15:20

Not easy to try imagine but do you think that if your mum had been remarried this long she would expect/want husband to be grandad?

BreakOutTheKaraoke · 13/02/2014 15:21

Calling your stepmum a different name might set her out from her cousins in the future, if you think you'll socialise with them at the future. I know I'd have felt a bit let out as a kid if all my cousins got to say nanna and grandad, and I had to say grandad and Pauline, or whatever.

For what it's worth, my stepdad has always been his name to me, not Dad. I have a dad. but as soon as DD was born, they were all Nanna and Grandad. He might not be my blood relative, but he's going to be in my mums life forever if all goes to plan, so he's going to be in DDs life too. DD is 10 (today!) and has never questioned why I call him XX but he's still her grandad.

sunbathe · 13/02/2014 15:26

I'd go with your mum.

Your 'step-mum' wasn't really there for you, was she? Apologies if I've got that wrong.

And there's no rush to decide anyway. Your dd will probably pick up on what you call your dad's wife.

firesidechat · 13/02/2014 16:06

It's not the name, it's the acknowledgement of a relationship or non relationship!!!!

Sorry, just had to say that because some posters seem to be going off on a tangent here.

It's a close one, but on the whole I would side with your mum. The two situations aren't the same because you have a mum on the scene and your step brother didn't have a dad.

You probably can't really make this decision. If your dad's family insist on his wife being a gran/nan/whatever then it will almost certainly happen. Children take the lead from the adults around them on the whole or just maybe your child will decide for herself.

Tough one.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/02/2014 16:10

Personally I think your mum is BU - what does it really matter, she sounds very jealous!

However, at the end of the day your DD will call her what seems natural to her....my mum always wanted DS to call her Gran (as that is what we called her mum) but he just called her nanny, as he had another nanny.

If this is the main problem in your mums life tell her to thank her lucky stars.

Joysmum · 13/02/2014 16:14

This isn't about the name, it's about the relationship. I'm an only child but now one of 5 since my dad got remarried. My step mum is very much a nan to my DD. At first though, my dad's relationship was new and I didn't know how things would work out so she was not a nan. My dad was pushing me to get my DD to address her as such and I was not having any of it!

As time progressed and it became obvious that all of us a a pretty close family, my daughter started calling her nan and quite rightly so. She's been a nan to my DD so it's only right.

eltsihT · 13/02/2014 16:18

I have 2 step grandmothers and always referred to the. As Aunty (insert name here) So was pretty determined that my step mil would be Aunty (insert name here) however she looks after the boys once a week and deserves to be Granny (insert name here) the boys biological grannys, for want of a better term are simply granny.

I would see what you are comfortable calling her, and see how it pans out

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