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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

who is being unreasonable here .... my mum or my dad ( please as im caught in the middle lol )

85 replies

mummywithsmiles · 13/02/2014 13:52

So my parents split when in was 5 ..however dad has always been apart of my life.
He met his partner when I was 9 and she had 4 kids ( I was the youngest of all the kids )
Her eldest son 3 yes ago had a daughter and they asked my dad if her daughter could call him grandad as she his dad wasn't around neither was the mums and my dad had been around for the last 10 years or so - this wasn't an issue.
Fast forward 3 yes I have a lil girl and the whole thing of her calling dads girlfriend gran has come up...now my daughter has a gran my mum who loves her v much. She is very offended about her being called gran as she isn't my daughters gran and she is.
Step mum has been OK , I don't dislike her she has done some really nice things for us but has never really included us as an whole family it was a bit like my dad,her and her kids and then my dad and us.
But she has been quite supportive whilst daughter has been sick and gave us some money.

So dad wants her to be called gran like he is to her grandaughter but my mum doesnt .

OP posts:

thegreylady · 13/02/2014 16:27

We all called Mum's mum Mother. Mum's gran was known as Mother Surname. Dad's mum was Grandma.

RagamuffinAndFidget · 13/02/2014 16:40

My parents divorced when I was very young and my Dad has been remarried almost twenty years - my Stepmum is Nana, my Mum is Grandma (as was her Mum to me) and my MIL is Nanny. My DSes also have a Great Granny (my Granny). It all works, no one gets confused.. there are lots of names that can be used for grandparents, can you just pick one for your Stepmum OP?

firesidechat · 13/02/2014 16:48

The name is irrelevant though and it's not about confusion as such. It's about the OP's mum not wanting her ex husband's wife to be a gran/granny/grandma/nan or any other variation.

I do sort of get why she would be bothered about this and, without knowing the circumstances of the parents breakup, it may be for a good reason.

Becoming a grandparent is very emotional and the mum may be letting her emotions get the better of her. A bit of understanding would be nice.

firesidechat · 13/02/2014 16:50

A bit of understanding would be nice.

I don't mean the OP should be more understanding, but that perhaps the dad could leave it for now, not push it and just see what happens instead. These things have a way of working themselves out.

Original poster

mummywithsmiles · 13/02/2014 18:29

I think the prob

OP posts:

Original poster

mummywithsmiles · 13/02/2014 18:35

I think the problem is that to my mum being a gran and deserving the title is important.
Me and so called step family were never close, the dad of the other little one wouldn't even know what I looked like. It was always dad coming to see us taking us out etc without girlfriend I went to their house maybe once a yr and she came to my 18 the.
We went newyork with 2 of her kids ,me and my sister and the whole thing was seperate she went of with hers and dad went of with us.
Also my dad has always treated her kids like his if she goes over to be there houses he goes where as not the other way.
I guess my mum feels now there's a baby she all of a sudden cares.

OP posts:

Lifestooshorttosleep · 13/02/2014 18:45

My parents split when i was very young and my relationship with my dad and his partner sounds like yours OP, not really a part of their family unit, unlike my step sister. When my daughter was born, it seemed natural to me she call my Dad's partner Grandma. This is what my step sisters kids call her, and despite the fact she is much closer to her own daughter's kids, it's never bothered me. I just didn't like the idea of my child cslling my dad as Grandpa and his partner as......her first name, which I felt was wrong. My own mum has never raised it.

LittleBabySqueakSqueak · 13/02/2014 18:52

My stepsibs' mum is Grandma and my mum is Grandma Firstname to their children. Mum feels a bit of a sting at not being a "full" grandma but understands and wouldn't dream of saying anything.

My stepdad is Grandpa to my DD because my dad died before she was born so there's no conflict.

Gonnabmummy · 13/02/2014 22:04

It's a funny thing, but the situation was similar for me.
In fact my dads partner was the reason I left home at just turned 18 she was new in the house and didn't do thing as my mother did I was bratty and left.

Now only 4 years down the line, I have a little boy of 5 months and she's been amazing I don't call her mum I call her, her name but she is nanna to my little boy. She is the only person who has had him over night and the only person I trust to take for longer than an hour in the pram. (DP parents live a couple hours away)

I don't think my relationship with her matters to much even tho we've gotten closer since I left and done some growing up but she is the best grandparent I could ask for around my lb

GimmeDaBoobehz · 13/02/2014 22:30

The name shouldn't matter.

Each woman's actions will mark their place in DDs life.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 13/02/2014 22:31

The name shouldn't matter.

Each woman's actions will mark their place in DDs life.

DoJo · 14/02/2014 00:02

Kids have ways of working these things out - I wanted my son to call my step-dad grandpa as I wanted to acknowledge his role in both our lives, but my son has made up a name for him all by himself which is even more special as he is the only one called that!
For now, I would say that you aren't going to impose any names on anyone - you have been through a rough time and although I can see your mother's point of view, it really isn't an issue until your daughter can speak.

(FWIW - I would secretly encourage her to use a made-up, neutral name for your dad's wife - that way she has a 'pet name' which reflects the relationship they have and hopefully nobody's toes will be trodden on!).

innisglas · 14/02/2014 00:18

YOu're mum is being unreasonable. I only had one grandmother who was not very nice to me, but my daughter had two loving grandmothers and now my granddaughter has me, her father's mother and the wife of her grandfather (my ex), as well as a few honorary grandparents. The more the merrier.

YellowTulips · 14/02/2014 01:06

My DSD has a Grandma and a Nan. My mother (with whom she has a good relationship) is simply called by her name.

Everyone is happy with this. I don't think it's appropriate to enforce false familial titles in this situation. IF everyone wants to call X Granny, that's fine, but pushing the issue is counter productive.

The relationship itself is far more important to the "title" attached to it - as demonstrated by my Mum and my DSD.

I think your father is being unreasonable. What's right for one situation doesn't set a precedent for a different set of circumstances.

maggiemight · 14/02/2014 01:18

Would Stepmum, Dad take offence if not gran,nan etc
what about Baba (I think that's Chinese for gran) or some made up name, who cares really, DD will just accept what you use.

I think I would tell a white lie to DM and say she is not Gran or Nan then let a version slip in in a year or so once DD is talking. By then DM will prob not care, she will be DD's fav GM by then and that's what will matter most.

CouthyMow · 14/02/2014 01:34

Use Nanny? In my family, you can have as many grandparents as you are lucky enough to get. That includes step-grandparents. They are still Nan / Nanna / Nanny / Granny / Grandma, or Granddad / Pops / Buppa old Scottish thing / Grandpa / Gramps.

It's NOT for your mum to decide. It's for YOU to decide. Either your mum or your dad will have to swallow some hurt by this, as the two positions are impossible to join.

In this, I think that the person being nice about it (your Dad), their wishes should be looked at before the wishes of someone who is acting 'hurt' and 'offended' over something NOT hurtful and NOT offensive. (Your Mum).

Your. DC having someone EXTRA to love her as a grandparent does not in any way detract from the relationship between your DC and your Mum. It's not like your DC has 100 units of love to give to her grandparents, and that your mum will get less if your DC has a special 'grandparent' name for your stepmum. Your DC will have an infinite number of units of love for grandparents, and brokering a close relationship between your stepmum and your DC will only enhance your DC's life.

Your mum is being childish IMO.

CouthyMow · 14/02/2014 01:37

Actually, on reading further posts, your mum ISNT being childish, it's your stepmum being odd!!

In which case, I would not give her a 'nanny' name, especially if she is not going to treat your DC the same as her bio GDC. THAT is a big thing that DOES make a difference.

If she wants to BE called Nan then she has to BE a nan...

PenelopeLane · 14/02/2014 04:39

My DCS have 'natural' grandparents and 'step' grandparents, the step grandparents gets called their names as well as the grandma/granddad part, ie Grandma Rose and Granddad Bob. We find that works well to differentiate.

Anyway you don't have to call them anything at first, so in your case I'd just wait and see what evolves

Hissy · 14/02/2014 07:33

Suggest to your dad that when the 'grannys' behave equally toward you/your dd then equal titles will be bestowed.

If she starts now, your step-mum might have a shot at being 'gran' or whatever you choose.

Caitlin17 · 14/02/2014 07:46

I agree with your mother. Your step mother is not her grandmother.

If I were the stepmother you could offer to "compromise" and call me " nanny" or any of its variations which I really dislike in the sense of grandmother and I would hate to be called.

Obviously not if she would be happy to use it.

nkf · 14/02/2014 07:51

Why would she call her granny? Makes no sense.

Foxy800 · 14/02/2014 07:56

It is so hard when there is extended family. BOth mine and my exes parents are divorced and were when dd was born, exes dad is remarried and my dad is engaged so in the end we agreed (and they were all happy with it) that my mum was nanny, my dad was grandad, exes mum was granda, his dad was grandpa, his stepmum was nanny ...name, and my future stepmum was nanny.....name. They were all happy as was dd when she was old enough to call them by their names.

Another poster suggested a compromise of maybe something like nanny.I would suggest trying the same.x

MiniSoksMakeHardWork · 14/02/2014 08:04

Is there a pet name you could use for your step mum instead? My mum's mum didn't want to be grandma/nanny/nana etc so we call her a nickname of her first name. Might work for you. Your mum gets the formality of grandma but your step mum isn't left out either. I guess it all boils down to how naming conventions go in your family. As an adult I still call my aunts and uncles Aunt A, Uncle B rather than just by their first names. Friends are known to the children as auntie/uncle x,y,z. Just because we think it's polite and teaches the children they should be polite to their elders. If your family doesn't go in for that kind of thing then there is no need for anyone to get upset over what is just a name at the end of the day.

I also think that your mum is foolish for bringing this up at the moment when you are quite rightly more concerned with getting your daughter home than who calls her what before she can even speak.

Hissy · 14/02/2014 18:49

Fwiw, my mum's H tried to insist on us calling him some kind of name for dad. I was almost 40 when they got married. Ffs.

He tried the grandad bollocks a few months later, I refused that too. He is known to my dc by his first name only, as I call him too.

Just as well, cos now he's shown true colours, he doesn't deserve to be called anything repeatable now anyway.

Original poster

mummywithsmiles · 14/02/2014 18:56

I spoke to my dad ...I said if she treats her like she treats her sons lo she can be called whatever she likes but if she doesn't I won't allow it as wouldn't want my did feeling like she's the less worthy grandchild x

Haven't said anything to my mum yet lol

OP posts:

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