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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH - new baby and ou bedroom

273 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 13/02/2014 00:16

We have a 14 month old DS and a 4 week old DD

DD and I have been sleeping in our bedroom with DH since she was born

However, DH has said tonight that he would like DD and me to sleep in the spare room during the week as he is shattered join the fucking club

He has offered to,domFriday and Saturday nights with DD with expressed bottles so I can sleep then

However, DD is fed exclusively expressed milk (latch problem) so I'll still need to get up to express anyway in the night

DD currently gets up about twice a night. Has a bottle. I settle her and then express for about 10 minutes. Sometimes I put he on the feeding pillow and feed her and express at the same time. She is very good and I do not leave her to cry. DH seems to do a pretty rucking good impersonation of being asleep during all this Hmm

I feel totally pissed off that we are being evicted from our bedroom. DH is 6 foot 6 so saying he can't sleep in the spare room as the bed has a footboard and he can't fit in - which is kind of true.

He has moved DD up to the spare room already - which has really pissed me off. It's like a Mexican stand off as I do not want to leave our bedroom and I feel like putting the monitor next to DH's head and getting him to do the night feeds - not that he would wake up. Plus DD is then in another room from us

I'm just so pissed off. Hearing how DH is soooooo tired. Yes. So am I. We also have a 14 month old DS and I feel that I am constantly "on duty" while at least DH gets to go to work. OK - he does do a lot when he gets in but I do not think it is reasonable for him to basically order me out of our bedroom whilst chuntering on about how tired he is. When we're both fucking tired. And everything to do with the DCs feels like it's ultimately my responsability. And it's like ducking ground hog day. I'd quite like to bugger off for a week and leave him to deal with everything

OP posts:
WhereIsMyHat · 13/02/2014 16:13

Ok , forgive me if this has been covered but why can't he sleep in the spare room and you and DD in your room?

ShatzePage · 13/02/2014 16:19

Would you not consider mix feeding? Formula is not actually poison you know despite the agenda many on here push.

My dh has never got up in the night with any of our 3-I honestly thought that was quite normal until I spoke to friends! I did get the rage though when he would ask why I was tired when I did'nt even go to work!Hmm

If your dh is a dentist then you are loaded-get a cleaner,get a nanny or au pair so that you can at minute during the day.

LaQueenOfHearts · 13/02/2014 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kandypane · 13/02/2014 16:23

Yabu and i feel sorry for your OH

SoonToBeSix · 13/02/2014 16:29

Yabu what is the point of your dh being awake just for the sake of it. You can nap in the day your dh cannot.
If your dh will feed the baby while you express on Friday and Saturday than logically he is helping and you are getting more sleep.
You chose to breastfeed which is a good thing but you need to accept men don't have breasts so obviously you are going to get less sleep that is hardly your dh fault.

softlysoftly · 13/02/2014 16:38

Can't you just tell him that Saturday and half Sunday day he is on duty? So you sleep / lounge whatever and only rouse your arse to express? That really is the only practical help that he can give if he can't feed at night.

If that is a payoff for splitting rooms them so be it, it would be illogical to make him sleep in a spare he doesn't fit into just to validate your irrational rage.

And don't get me wrong, I never said you were "odd and hippyish" to choose to express, nor did I say his attitude was right (I EBF high needs Dd2 to a year and it was fucking painful) but there is no point in burning more energy in rage! You need to get your lawyer hat on, tell him it's the tone rather than the practicalities that are pissing you off and work out a plan whereby you can sleep.

ComposHat · 13/02/2014 17:01

The 'only' a dentist bit so he didn't need sleep gave methe cats bum. only disdispensing injections and using power tools in other people's mouths

Presumably drivong there and back?

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 13/02/2014 17:04

You aren't the Op who had a dentist husband who was telling her child birth was not that bad compared to dental work are you? Hmm

Either way yanbu, it's shit your dh thinks he can tell you where to sleep and what to do..and yes if you are a first time mother you can sleep when the baby sleeps in the day (in theory) but when you have a 14 month old running loose? Um no.

I had the same aged babies OP, it's a fucking nightmare, you have my sympathies

Poloholo · 13/02/2014 17:20

OP YANBU and your husband's attitude would totally infuriate me. He doesn't get to make all the decisions.

On a practical note could I second nipple shields? My baby just couldn't latch properly but after 2 weeks someone suggested nipple shields and they immediately worked. I kept expressing once a day as it provided some convenience for me but apart from that I was able to BF full time. If you haven't tried or haven't tried recently it would be worth a shot. I found Medela by far the best.

LaQueenOfHearts · 13/02/2014 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waterrat · 13/02/2014 17:29

Gobolino - re childcare for a non verbal child - you will know how they feel! My 21 month old has been going to his childminder for a few months and he literally runs towards her he is so excited to see her - he doesn't need words

If you use childcare he will get to have aomeone energetic focusing on him while you will get to rest and be a better mum when you do have him / modern life is bullshit - for tens of thousands of years people raised children in communities or tribes - you would have had lots of hands on support with a newborn and toddler - so find the modern equivalent and don't feel bad.

Laura0806 · 13/02/2014 17:31

I haven't read the rest of the thread but I don't really see why you are upset. i did this with all our children. I can't expect DH to be woken all through the night and then do a really stressful job on top. I know I work too looking after our 4 children but its not the same as having to be mentally alert. Our youngest still waked up 5/6 times a night because she is horrendous and we noth really struggle with exhaustion so you have my sympathy but I do this your DH is being reasonable

oliviaoctopus · 13/02/2014 17:35

Laura - how do you think people get on with it when they have jobs? Mums have to go back when their children are still waking v regularly. Why shouldnt a man wake up?

JeanSeberg · 13/02/2014 17:38

But she's not working so the question is irrelevant. If/when she goes back to work then they reassess the situation so that both can function at work.

oliviaoctopus · 13/02/2014 17:44

They wont they jean as women married to men like that will never get them to help as they clearly cant cope.

MotherOfInsomniacToddlers · 13/02/2014 17:47

I know how you feel op I have the same age ago though thd youngest is now 17 months. I have to say though his proposition seems reasonable, we didn't have a bed in the spare room so I would always say dh could sleep on the sofa if he wished. When I eventually have baby 3 I hope we have a spare room set up for me and baby. I also exclusively expressed for one child and bf the other so I really do know where u are coming from, you are tired so it feels unteasonable

Stevie77 · 13/02/2014 17:51

I totally get you! that'll be me in 5 weeks time sobs I do not miss the newborn stage at all. What's your DH actually complaining about if he's not being woken up? Can he use some ear plugs?

Could you get DS into some childcare, even for 1/2 day a couple of days a week? Would give you a chance to re-group and get some rest/sleep late/sleep in? Or get a babysitter that could come and play with him/be another pair of hands so that you could get some rest?

LaQueenOfHearts · 13/02/2014 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

halfwildlingwoman · 13/02/2014 18:13

It is simple maths. There is one of him, he can go in the spare room. There are two of you, you stay where you are.

I know this won't be popular, but I agree with La Queen about formula. Maybe give it another 2 weeks, to get her to the six week mark, then give formula at night. Buy the readymade stuff, and its very easy to do at night, even a dentist could manage it. Grin I mix fed DS and he is fine! I continued to BF until he was 13 months and I know that I couldn't have done that without the occasional FF. As you know she will take a bottle, it won't mess with your supply, it actually increased mine although some people will deny this statement, yes you evil NCT lady, I won't forget

mouldyironingboard · 13/02/2014 18:28

I know a dentist who killed a patient that had a severe allergy to adrenaline so it does matter if your DH is too tired to work effectively.

I would also suggest ff even if it just gets you through a few nights. Your mental health is more important than DS missing out a small amount of breast milk. I can honestly say that ff helped save my sanity when I was at a similar stage.

cerealqueen · 13/02/2014 18:34

The OP mentioned upthread the spare room bed is too small for her DP.

HappyMummyOfOne · 13/02/2014 18:41

Not nice to mock him re "only a dentist" considering he has to work so you dont have to and pay the staff you use house wise.

If he has to work, he needs to sleep. The person home in the day doesnt have clients, deadlines and can map their day accordingly.

As for staying home is harder than working, im sure surgeons, doctors etc would all agree with you Hmm

maddening · 13/02/2014 18:44

shove the mattress on the floor - he doesn't have to worry about a headboard then.

if both beds are suitable for you then he could swap the beds around and he stay in the spare room.

ShatzePage · 13/02/2014 18:49

Ah you are like clockwork happymummy-do you have a klaxon that goes off whenver anyone mentions being a sahm because you seem to pop up like magic with a snide wee comment LOL

BrandNewIggi · 13/02/2014 18:49

Happy your comments are really starting to wind me up, I'm sorry to say! The OP isn't working? I read the ages of her dcs and my first thought was thank fuck that's not me - it will be lovely, but it will be very hard!
I would agree someone with a long drive in the morning might need sleep more than someone at home, but that's about it.