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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH - new baby and ou bedroom

273 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 13/02/2014 00:16

We have a 14 month old DS and a 4 week old DD

DD and I have been sleeping in our bedroom with DH since she was born

However, DH has said tonight that he would like DD and me to sleep in the spare room during the week as he is shattered join the fucking club

He has offered to,domFriday and Saturday nights with DD with expressed bottles so I can sleep then

However, DD is fed exclusively expressed milk (latch problem) so I'll still need to get up to express anyway in the night

DD currently gets up about twice a night. Has a bottle. I settle her and then express for about 10 minutes. Sometimes I put he on the feeding pillow and feed her and express at the same time. She is very good and I do not leave her to cry. DH seems to do a pretty rucking good impersonation of being asleep during all this Hmm

I feel totally pissed off that we are being evicted from our bedroom. DH is 6 foot 6 so saying he can't sleep in the spare room as the bed has a footboard and he can't fit in - which is kind of true.

He has moved DD up to the spare room already - which has really pissed me off. It's like a Mexican stand off as I do not want to leave our bedroom and I feel like putting the monitor next to DH's head and getting him to do the night feeds - not that he would wake up. Plus DD is then in another room from us

I'm just so pissed off. Hearing how DH is soooooo tired. Yes. So am I. We also have a 14 month old DS and I feel that I am constantly "on duty" while at least DH gets to go to work. OK - he does do a lot when he gets in but I do not think it is reasonable for him to basically order me out of our bedroom whilst chuntering on about how tired he is. When we're both fucking tired. And everything to do with the DCs feels like it's ultimately my responsability. And it's like ducking ground hog day. I'd quite like to bugger off for a week and leave him to deal with everything

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 13/02/2014 12:52

Gobbolino You have made me laugh out loud this morning.
I know there are serious things going on here but your sense of humour with all this going on is fantastic!
Just my kind of style.
Keep it up.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 13/02/2014 12:55

Thank you dreaming

Well I do have a cieaner Blush. For quite a lot of hours - double Blush
Hence why MIL probably thinks I have quite a cushy number.

Cleaner comes for 2 hours on a Wednesday too to look after DS so I can pop out if needs be

Re the food - DS is very tall, like DH - and is clearly not starving. So the GP and my mum! said similar that he won't starve to death. But it is quite soul destroying when everything you offer is chucked on the floor. Including things like raspberries that he normally loves. But that's my issue.

I really don't want to give DD formula as I feel that I am lucky to be able to express. But, again, that is my choice. Although DH is keen for her to have the breast milk too, if possible. What I need to do is see how I can cut down the expressing at night without bursting. I can't work out how it was ok with DS to do so but not with her. I think it's habit bibs have got used to it. So I think I need to do enough to take the edge off but not over stimulate supply.

Will look at nursery now for DS. But he's so little and can't speak. What if he doesn't like it and can't tell me? And wonders where I've gone? That makes me cry thinking about it. But, again, that's my issue.

What can I do about the fact that I hate DH? Honestly. I know it's totally irrational but I had a lovely dream last night about packing his bags for him and helping him find a flat.

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 13/02/2014 13:01

I hated my OH both times just after having a baby. I had huge fantasies about him just fucking off and me being a single parent.

It goes away. I even told him about it recently and could make it a joke Grin

ipswichwitch · 13/02/2014 13:02

He's not this dentist is he?

If so you would definitely not be unreasonable in feeding him to a giant man eating plant which would at least solve the bed problem.

PrimalLass · 13/02/2014 13:02

Actually just order a new bed for the spare room. If you do it now you'll feel better.

ipswichwitch · 13/02/2014 13:07

With regard to expressing at night could you initially extend the time between each expressing session a little at a time rather than going cold turkey? Might help with the exploding boobs issue

DuskAndShiver · 13/02/2014 13:09

ha ha ha yes I agree with PrimalLass, get a new bed for the spare room that has no footboard (although why the fuck can't he sleep diagonally like someone else said) and give him the fait accompli that he sleeps there now. Be bland and "reasonable" about it and let him come home to his stuff on the nightstand up there and see how he likes it. ha ha ha ha ha ah ah aha ha ha

(disclaimer - tit for tat is terrible relationship advice, but your tits are taking a lot of strain and so he can take some tat)

cathpip · 13/02/2014 13:11

I would be mightily annoyed if my dh asked me to sleep in the spare room as he was tired, luckily he's not that stupid:). I would calmly tell dh that if he needs more sleep he can go to the spare room and sleep diagonally then he will fit!!

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 13/02/2014 13:16

ipswich - he's this dentist Grin

OP posts:
Lifeisaboxofchocs · 13/02/2014 13:19

op, you seem to be seriously unhappily married. The bedroom issue is a side issue. To me your dh is not being unreasonable. Your approach is the classic 'misery likes company'. You should be working as a team. Sorry harsh, but it is like you have forgotten what marriage and being parents is about. You want your DH to feel as crap and tired as you. What exactly is that going to achieve?

Atm my baby DD is poorly. DD and I in the spare room Sunday to Thursday and then DH takes over on Friday night. The reason we are in the spare room is because DH's suits and everything he needs to get ready for work, are in our bedroom.

Your marriage will either end, or become a nasty tit for tat, if you don't change your thinking.

CinnabarRed · 13/02/2014 13:19

Do have a look at childminders too - I was much more comfortable with DS1 going to a childminder because it felt much more homely. And often there was only one other pre-schooler there during the day so everything was structured around their individual needs.

No-one looking after two under-2s has it cushy.

CinnabarRed · 13/02/2014 13:21

Also, feelings of hatred and/or anger can be a sign of PND.

dreamingbohemian · 13/02/2014 13:37

It's such a hard time for couples. DH and I are very happily married but my god, the screaming fights we had when sleep deprivation was at its worst.

Perhaps break down your approach like this?

(sorry, I like lists!)

  1. Do all the logistical and practical things you can do to increase your sleep. All the things people are suggesting here. You're not going to get very far improving the emotional side until you get some rest. It sounds like among these, you need to prioritise the feeding issues, because DH could be the most wonderful guy on the planet, it won't help until you can sleep all night anyway.
  1. Try to unpack your emotional issues regarding DS a bit, so you have less stress. 14 months is a hard age because they're old enough to be difficult but still too young to really communicate properly or reason with or tell you what's wrong.

Really, don't worry if he rejects food. Try not to take it personally. And I would second the idea of a childminder, it can be a much more homey environment. But your DS will be fine in childcare, millions of children do it, try not to worry.

  1. I think if you can reduce the tiredness and some of the stress, you may find that's enough to stop hating DH. If not, then you can begin to address your issues with him, but it will be easier if you're not feeling so rotten.

Could you try to write down for him where you are coming from?
Perhaps try the trick of starting off with what you are happy about eg I'm glad you're willing to do weekends, etc and then explain what you are unhappy about and what he could do to change that.

And do keep an eye out for PND, it can really sneak up on you.

ipswichwitch · 13/02/2014 13:43

gobbolino that patient in your link is just like my MIL Grin

CinnabarRed · 13/02/2014 13:49

Actually, another reason the whole family benefitted when my DS1 started going to the childminder was that I found it so much easier to cope with his tantrums and foibles when I could discuss them with a trained childcare professional. I started to understand that they were normal! And she gave me excellent tips for managing the toddler years.

Mim78 · 13/02/2014 13:53

Might you be can able to do a couple of nights without expressing? Then you could take him up on the two nights unbroken rest.

When my dd was a baby of of 8 weeks she was in intensive care for two nights and I could not be with her. I was ebf at the time. I found that with expressing before bed and first thing I could cope without boobs exploding and the 8 hours sleep was a really good thing.

I appreciate this might leave you low on store of expressed milk to give but a couple of formula feeds shouldn't hurt. I didn't find it affected my supply afterwards, although a move to mixed feeding as a rule later on did (dd needed prescription formula).

I know I am focussing on you getting some unbroken sleep rather than if you or dh being u, but I just think it might be a good thing for you to have a night's sleep.

cerealqueen · 13/02/2014 14:02

YANBU. And I love you just for writing this:Now a sparrow farting could wake me up.

Totally empathise too, I remember the sleep deprivation built up and used to kick in on Thursday and I hated the world and everybody in it. Not only was Dd waking me, but DP too with his wild animal snoring.

I would take the spare room, make it your little paradise, get an ipad for night wakings, all the best bedding and leave him to it. Then refuse to budge. Let him sleep alone and wallow in his unchanged sheets.

CailinDana · 13/02/2014 14:23

I hated dh a bit too. I hated that he had a gorgeous baby but I had to go through pregnancy (hate it), I had to go through labour, I had to deal with sore bits, bleeding and engorged boobs, I had to do night feeds (dd refused a bottle), and care for both children all day. He was perfectly fit and healthy, well rested and could go to a job he loves every day. And on top of that people thought I was lucky he "helped" and I was made to feel guilty if I interrupted his life in any way (not by him) while my life was unrecognisable! I felt so angry and it was all so unfair.

Thing is, I didn't feel that way after DS. I did feel DH was lucky to miss out on the bad stuff but I felt he was also missing out on loads of good stuff. With DD there was no good stuff because I had PND and that made everything negative. I screamed and threw the buggy across the kitchen one evening (no children around

CailinDana · 13/02/2014 14:26

..then stormed out and drove away in the car (dh in the house with the kids). I felt I was being tortured and I couldn't take anymore. It was horrendous.
Things did get better. And they will for you too.

oliviaoctopus · 13/02/2014 14:27

Dh and I have 2 kids, 1 on the way. He will be working 40 hours now and we are both having only two weeks maternity leave and live in a flat.

Sounds like your dh has never known real tiredness as we are always doing stuff like this and sometimes dh or I have slept on the floor with a blanket over us with industrial ear defenders on! If he was actually tired then trust me he would sleep anywhere.

DuskAndShiver · 13/02/2014 14:29

I stormed off once or twice (at calculated intervals between bfs - on one hand I was totally losing it, on the other, I wouldn't leave the baby hungry. Go figure)

There was once I just sat in the car, while it rained, eating a cold slice of pizza for 10 minutes because I couldn't deal with the screaming until I had eaten something and couldn't eat anything while I was so on edge with the screaming (dp was in the house)

Purplepoodle · 13/02/2014 14:32

We sleep in different rooms (or on the sofa when we ran out of bedrooms) it's a no brainier. OH has to work and drive so I'd rather he was getting enough sleep during the week. What's the point of both of us not getting enough rest.

homeaway · 13/02/2014 14:40

Hi, I have not read the whole thread so i apologise if this has already been said, but could you get a mothers help for a few hours a day for a few months, as this would help you rest during the day and take the pressure off you ?

BuntyCollocks · 13/02/2014 14:58

YANBU. MY DH did this. Sleep deprivation is a legitimate form of torture for a reason.

I'm sorry, it's a huge thread, so I've not read all posts - I did see that your DS was/is tongue tied, and DD has been checked ... is it possible she could have a sneaky posterior tie and/or lip tie that is affecting her transfer? If you're based near Chester or Huddersfield, there are some great resources you can access to make 100% sure.

Expressing is such a bloody faff, I'm so glad my 13 month old DD is down to a very quick morning and night feed as it doesn't matter as much if I have to miss it - I don't NEED to express. You sound like you've loads of milk. If there was a way of sorting out the breastfeeding, it would make your life so much easier as I'm sure you know.

I have every sympathy. My DD did not sleep for more than a couple of hours for 5 months. I survived on 2 hours, broken, a night. DH had more, obviously, but was SOOOOO TIRED.

I would have happily divorced him.

CinnabarRed · 13/02/2014 15:23

CailinDana - you've just described exactly how I felt when I had PND.

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