DH - new baby and ou bedroom

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

We have a 14 month old DS and a 4 week old DD

DD and I have been sleeping in our bedroom with DH since she was born

However, DH has said tonight that he would like DD and me to sleep in the spare room during the week as he is shattered join the fucking club

He has offered to,domFriday and Saturday nights with DD with expressed bottles so I can sleep then

However, DD is fed exclusively expressed milk (latch problem) so I'll still need to get up to express anyway in the night

DD currently gets up about twice a night. Has a bottle. I settle her and then express for about 10 minutes. Sometimes I put he on the feeding pillow and feed her and express at the same time. She is very good and I do not leave her to cry. DH seems to do a pretty rucking good impersonation of being asleep during all this

I feel totally pissed off that we are being evicted from our bedroom. DH is 6 foot 6 so saying he can't sleep in the spare room as the bed has a footboard and he can't fit in - which is kind of true.

He has moved DD up to the spare room already - which has really pissed me off. It's like a Mexican stand off as I do not want to leave our bedroom and I feel like putting the monitor next to DH's head and getting him to do the night feeds - not that he would wake up. Plus DD is then in another room from us

I'm just so pissed off. Hearing how DH is soooooo tired. Yes. So am I. We also have a 14 month old DS and I feel that I am constantly "on duty" while at least DH gets to go to work. OK - he does do a lot when he gets in but I do not think it is reasonable for him to basically order me out of our bedroom whilst chuntering on about how tired he is. When we're both fucking tired. And everything to do with the DCs feels like it's ultimately my responsability. And it's like ducking ground hog day. I'd quite like to bugger off for a week and leave him to deal with everything

Fuck 'on his knees with exhaustion'. He's asleep, much like my snoring pig husband is next to me while I'm up with newborn DD.

this, well newborn son.

also. I can completely understand, even though i don't breastfeed, because ds1 had a 45 min sleep cycle. So i knew the hell of knowing I'd be woken soon.

I feel I must clarify. My husband is not a pig. He's amazing and I feel very lucky to be in the obvious minority.

He does snore, though.

Feel the need to clarify that dh is amazing too, but newborn doesn't seem to want his dad, so it's all ob me.

he did just wake up and offer to take him again though.

Mine's not a pig, either. He's arranged his holiday plus paternity to get 6 weeks off, so I have support in the horrendous first weeks. But when he goes back to work he'll be on the sofabed (no spare room this time around) as he could make mistakes that could get him fired. And that could have a terrible impact on our family finances.

It isn't that OP's husband is even saying anything that outrageous in the sense that his job = their financial security, and some people DO get fired or make atrocious professional mistakes when sleep deprived after babies. It's the lack of awareness that finances are the ONLY reason his suggestion isn't appalling, and that he should therefore be appreciative, apologetic and aware he's a lucky bastard to even dream of getting that much sleep, when his wife is getting almost none and working her absolute backside off around the clock. He's effectively suggesting he has a far easier life than she does, and while money is a good reason to go that route, the undeniable side benefit to him is one he is choosing to ignore, in favour of patronising and pretending his own selfishness is reasonable. That's the really shitty part.

I think the problem is that sleep deprivation can make otherwise nice people ruthlessly selfish arseholes. Which is why new babies make so many marriages a battle zone until the baby sleeps a little more reliably.

Is there anyone else who can offer some support, OP? As in come in the day and look after your eldest and do some housework and cooking, so you can stay in bed and at least try to rest?

I remember that stage of tidnrss when splitting up seemed the only way to get a rest, if we argued and dh suggested we were going that way, I'm not gonna lie, I was tempted just so I would get some rest

Op it's the principle that's bothering you isn't it? It never bothered me tbh it kinda makes sense. Plus you get to do everything how you want, not have to think about if you wake him up etc.

What happens the rest of the time, he is good when he gets home, does his share at the weekend?

Ds was still a shot sleeper when I went back to work, think up all night twice a week, if he slept through it was only till 4am. And I don't know how I made it through work. I think it's only as my boss is someone I've worked with for 20 years that I was in trouble. I was literally struggling keep my eyes open in the afternoons.

Him getting some sleep so he works properly does not take anything away from how tired you are, or how much you are dealing with. You've got two very close together and I couldn't have coped with that.

Ps I think that it is a bit harder with a second as you can't sleep when they sleep cause you've got another one bouncing around. It's been a long time since you had any proper rest isn't it.

Yes, I've read the op and the thread. I read specifically that the newborn is bottle fed with expressed milk and another poster saying that you didn't have to express every night. Hence my question asking if she could express extra or freeze some or something so that 2 nights a week she could get some sleep without having to wake.

I also - having read the thread - didn't jump on the "selfish bastard" bandwagon because on the whole, things like this are less about one person being a selfish prick and more about both partners with tiredness, stress and disrupted sleep unwilling to acknowledge each other's problems either because they're too tired to see past their own or because they feel nothing can be as bad as theirs is.

I'm not saying the OP isn't entirely reasonable to need a break and she's entirely reasonable to want to sleep in her own bed. But her DH isn't unreasonable (and not a selfish cunt either) to want a night or 2 of completely undisturbed sleep before going to work where he may be responsible for someone else's life.

perfectstorm just said what I was thinking only far better.

It is horrendous when you are sleep deprived and I do symposthise. It does get better! However, if as you say you need to get up anyway, what us the point in making DH have a disturbed night as well? Unless he can be of help to you, there us no point in him being disturbed just because you are to make things fair!

If you move to spare room for a while DH will be better rested and more able to help when he can. I found it really useful grabbing a nap.in evening as soon as dh came home!

When he comes in, he gives DS a bath and gets him to bed then looks after DD so I can sleep then. He also does the sterilising etc too. So he does do plenty. He also looks after them at the weekend.

However, I strongly object to being told that this is "helping me out". Er no. It's called being a parent

For those who asked, he's only a dentist so I think he'd be very unlucky to kill anyone!

perfect - that's very interesting re the expressing. I had to do the same thing for DS. I've kept a note of all my expressing for him sad git and I was able to drop the night expressing at this age. But with DD, I'm getting so engorged and I'm in agony if I don't express every 4 hours. . Not sure how I can sort this. I'm expressing about 1.5 litres a day so have loads and would love to stop the over nights too.

My parents have been down staying with us loads so I have had tonnes if help and, on the face of it, DH does do a lot at the weekends and when he comes in at night. Not that he should be congratulated on that.

But I still think he is an insensitive arse weasel.

Oh and I've seen every single lactation consultant and midwife going. They all declare that DD has a perfect latch and everyone is stumped about why she can't transfer milk efficiently.

At least with DS, he was in the ScBU for a bit and then had a horrible tongue tie and couldn't latch on, so ii new what was wrong

love - yes! I'm seriously contemplating divorce so I can have every alternative weekend off. And I am not moving out of the fucking house. So DH can enjoy nights of unbroken sleeps. In his bedsit. I'm keeping our fucking bed too. Let's hope the bed sit bed doesn't have a footboard!

MILus a nasty, unhelpful cow. Who never got s y help from FIL or her horrible parents. I strongly suspect she's behind this as she'll be telling DH he's doing too much

You have fallen into the 'I'm more tired than you' argument with your DH.
Neither one of you seems to care about how the other feels. Does he do a stressful job? You say he has to cancel patients if he doesn't go to work - doctor? Not the least stressful job in the world.
He shouldn't be ordering you about or patronising you but TBH, unless your spare room is a box room full of rubbish, I would move in there (until the lovely new, extra long, spare bedroom bed for him was delivered).

this sounds so familiar to me, the expressing, the exhaustion, the fights. YANBU - your husband doesn't get to turf you or the baby out of the bedroom. if he has a problem sleeping he can move to another room and contend with headboards, footboards and the like. good luck!

to be honest I can't see what the issue is here, unless there is more stuff going on than you have said I don't understand why divorce is being mentioned!

You are obviously very tired.

What is the problem with you going in the spare room? Other than being jealous that DH is getting sleep (but him not getting sleep doesn't help you get more so is sleep deprivation for the sake if it)

There is no doubt my from experience that's b'feeding mum is the most exhausted parent. It's brutal, unrelenting & I personally resented (and still do resent) DH for every bastard hours sleep he got more than me.

I thought I'd punch him if he dared say he was tired. I also wanted a divorce so I could sleep!

But.. That's the way it goes I'm afraid.

My DH cannot cope hadn't got the bollocks to be up several times a night. Sleep deprivation builds up on him & he fails to perform simple tasks.

One of you has to take the brunt & in afraid it's you.

Shit isn't it.

Make the spare room into a lovely den, buy a fucking tv or kindle! Take up offers of 'help' (I know, I know their his kids as well!) and get through this.

My DH is exactly the same, I love him but when it comes to sleep he is much weaker than me. Adorable Twat that he is!

Hmm. He's a dentist you say? Well, if he has any sense, he will get his receptionist to spread out the big jobs a bit and fill the rest of his day by tinkering around in people's mouths ( like my dentist does in mine @£40 a time.) to ease the stress.

YABU and a teeny bit selfish. I was about to say 'let him sleep in the spare room' until I read that he doesn't fit in the bed.

You are both tired. Neither of you is going to win the 'i'm more tired' battle. He has to work. You have to get up anyway to express. That's a decision you jointly. Therefore in my opinion, there is no point in both of you being awake in the night and surely its better for one of you to sleep, and as he cant sleep in the spare bed then you should. My DH slept in a different room for 15 weeks until our DD was moved into her own room. Yes, I had the bedroom and he had the spare room, but he would have had the bedroom if he didnt fit in the spare room bed. He had to work, and had to have gotten enough sleep to be able to function at work. I had to breastfeed. The solution was for us to have separate rooms until DD was old enough to go in her own room.

No advice op.

But if neither you or your dh want the spare room can me and ds have it?

We don't have a spare room. I have dp snoring on one side and ds on the other. Ds is 9 weeks tomorrow and ebf. If we had our own bed I'd feel more confident co sleeping and we would all get more sleep.

Sympathies also as you sound knackered but what can he do to make you happy? He's already suggesting doing 2 nights a week which seems fair enough.

If you have to be up anyway, why should he be? What's the point if both if you being tired and why would you want him to be?

I certainly wouldn't fancy have a tired dentist making mistakes in my mouth! It's dangerous.

He's tall, of course he can't sleep in a bed with a foot board! Let's put shorter people in shorter beds so they can't sleep and see how they go.

Has your new baby been checked by a tongue tie expert? I say that because I had DD checked by midwives and breastfeeding experts, who all declared her fine. It was only when I got a referral to a surgeon that her tongue tie was discovered- she has a 'sneaky' posterior tie that isn't obvious when you first look. You can feel the tie if you run your finger left and right under her tongue.

Has anyone actually assessed her suck with their finger in her mouth, to feel what she's doing when she's sucking?

Something else to check for is upper lip tie, if you lift her upper lip does it move freely or is there a piece of skin tethering it to her gum? The jury is out whether or not lip ties on their own can cause breastfeeding problems, but they do tend to go hand in hand with lip ties.

PS well done for keeping up with the expressing. I exclusively expressed for DD till she was 3 weeks old, at which point she was able to latch for the first time ever. It took us till 12 weeks to get her exclusively breastfeeding and off bottles. So I know how exhausting it is!

The newborn stage is crippling. However you feed.

I don't really understand the upset though.

I moved into ds' room for about 7 months (really crap sleeper!) as it didn't make sense for us all to be up every 45 minutes.

Yes, the patronising tone would fucking annoy me. But the proposed solution is not an outrageous one.

Your dh does need to be able to focus and concentrate more during the day. Dentistry is quite a precise skill, and I wouldn't want my dentist to be overtired and likely to make a slip... Yes, looking after the two dc is also hard work (it does sound as though you have had a lot of help ) but it doesn't take a lot of concentrating.

I think the competitive tiredness has to stop. There's no point to it.

I'm missing something here OP. You say he's pulling his weight so why the venom towards him? What else is going on that we don't know about? I agree he needs a full night's sleep, especially as he's offering to compensate for this at other times.

I hope you can resolve it and things look less bleak this morning.

I sympathise with you but really the best solution is to just move into the spare room.

I think your DH sounds fine, he is doing everything he can to help (except sleeeping in a bed that is too short for him, but fits you.)

TBH I wouldn't want a tired dentist anywhere near my mouth.
Can you get someone to look after DS for a few hours so you can sleep in the day too?

There are specially formulated multi vits and minerals for post natal women also for men.
They can really help with tiredness, so could be worth trying.

Best wishes to you all.