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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a thank you card from 4 year old?

321 replies

tinyshinyanddon · 12/02/2014 03:48

Went to the birthday party. Brought gift. Then a few days later the mother send out an email to all guests:
"I've decided not to make Lucy write thank you cards thus year. She loves all her gifts, each and every one."
There is more blurb at the start and end about thank you for coming/didn't we have a great time/blah blah blah.
Is it just me or is this rude? Clearly Lucy would not be writing the cards anyway (just signing them) so basically mommy can't be arsed. May be its normal?

OP posts:
BazilGin · 15/02/2014 08:08

To me, the idea of thank you cards is bizzare and must be a British thing? In my country, you either thank in person or phone the giver to thank them. I would be embarassed to receive a thank you card from a child, I just find it bizarre.
Yes, it is polite to say thank you but if you think you deserve bloody letters for being oh so very generous and buying a present for a child whose bday party you were invited to, then I'd rather you didn't buy anything at all!
YABVVVVU.

TamerB · 15/02/2014 08:17

Very true, catsize, but they were proper letters. As ShakesBooty says, they go straight in the bin- the mother wrote them on the computer- a waste of paper! I grew up,in NW and if you went to a party you gave the present and they opened it and said thank you. The joy is indeed sucked out. The child buys the present and doesn't get to see the exciting bit, it being opened. They just get a sort note from the mother- if they looked at a friends it would be identical apart from name and gift. I know which I prefer. My children never read the thank you letter- they didn't need to, they were all the same!

Bogglescrabblechess · 15/02/2014 08:27

An email, letter, FB message or text are all acceptable thankyous. A photo or drawing can always be attached. The wording of your friends email was a bit crap though.

feelingvunerable · 15/02/2014 08:31

Yabu

A thank you on the day is enough for me.

lottieandmia · 15/02/2014 08:31

YABU. What is wrong with a thank you email? I would much prefer that rather than extra wasted paper card that is a waste of trees and will go take up extra space in the recycling bin.

bouncysmiley · 15/02/2014 08:33

Does anyone still do thank you cards? Yabu. It's a waste of money in my opinion, a verbal thank you is sufficient after all they also provided the party!

NaggingNellie · 15/02/2014 08:38

wow, yes yabu they are 4 Hmm

HoratiaDrelincourt · 15/02/2014 08:49

I really hate it when presents are opened in front of party guests.

It's almost impossible to manage a child's reaction to the gifts - gleeful announcement of duplicates for example. And what about the child who has brought the cheapest present? Everyone knows, though it's between the giver and recipient.

TamerB · 15/02/2014 08:53

Mine always took a cheaper present! What happened to 'the thought.....' It is all very materialistic .

pigletmania · 15/02/2014 09:19

Horatia not much you can do when your 2 year ok'd swipes then from the pile and your not quick enough, or your dc with ASD throws a mealtdown as she can't wait after the party

HoratiaDrelincourt · 15/02/2014 09:23

True, piglet, but that's quite different from setting aside twenty minutes from a two-hour party for present opening. It's really not the done thing round here, so the one family that do it stand out like a sore thumb.

jennifleurs · 15/02/2014 09:27

Well I must be an old fuddy-duddy then because not only do I always buy or make with DS Thank you cards for people who give him Christmas/birthday presents, I also don't let him open any birthday presents at the party, I make him wait til we get home!

This is because he likes to take his time ope ING and looking at presents (toys with little parts etc) and I don't mind this but suspect excitable younger guests wouldn't, and also it breaks up the day as the actual party has enough excitement - this stops the anti climax of getting home I feel.

I wish parents said thank you more. DS has been to parties when he was in reception and Y1 and we spent time choosing gifts for that child making sure it was something they would like etc and never had a thank you text/call/note or mention in person.

Of course DS never noticed or remembered because he's a child, but I did.

I wouldn't want people to think I was so rude, so we always send them.

AppleAndBlackberry · 15/02/2014 09:33

I don't mind being thanked by text, what I dislike is not being thanked at all which seems to happen quite a lot these days. I then worry that they didn't get the present and it got lost somehow.

minionmadness · 15/02/2014 09:43

I must be a fuddy duddy too then jennifleurs.

I always ask my dc make/write thank you cards when they have been given presents.

I guess their school friends mums feel the same as we've always had a note or card to say thank you for presents after attending parties.

laughingeyes2013 · 15/02/2014 10:14

Those saying YABU don't send cards and so of course would feel uncomfortable if you heard 100% YANBU's! Wink

A generic email to everyone is not personalised and so isn't really on, it's nothing short of lazy!

If it were a personal email that's a bit different, still not the best choice but better than nothing I suppose.

You have, after all, spend a lot of your time choosing and buying and then wrapping up the present; a card in the post is minimal effort in return.

However I also agree that if the present giver witnesses the present being opened and it thanked immediately that is case closed Grin

candycoatedwaterdrops · 15/02/2014 10:25

I'm surprised at the adults who have never sent a thank you card. Did you never get a cheque in the post from great auntie Mabel?

treaclesoda · 15/02/2014 10:26

My DD has attended dozens of parties and whilst I have never received a written thank you for a child's birthday present, I have also never given a present to a child and not been thanked, in one way or another, usually in person by the child at the party and then followed up with a text from the mum afterwards.

Maybe that is why I feel quite laid back about it all. If I frequently gave presents that weren't acknowledged in any way I think I would feel quite differently.

treaclesoda · 15/02/2014 10:28

I've never sent a thank you card, and no, I never have received a cheque in the post or anything of that sort. I have never ever received a gift from a relative that wasn't given in person.

flippinada · 15/02/2014 10:37

And presumably you think parties happen by magic laughingeyes, with no expense or effort on the part of the host?

MrsCosmopilite · 15/02/2014 10:41

DD is 3. If we can't do verbal thankyou's (with hugs for giftee where appropriate from DD), then we use a thankyou template, and she writes her name on the bottom of a generic letter.
I suspect the mother lost the list of who got what and panicked.

But you did get thanked.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 15/02/2014 10:42

Last party DS went to, I added the present to the ocado order, wrapped it in paper I had already and did a card from a multipack I bought on eBay.

Since th party host personalised and laminated invitations, booked the soft play but still provided the party tea personally, including plates etc and handwrote a thank you note, yes, SH went to a lot more effort yhan me!

flippinada · 15/02/2014 10:47

In case anyone thinks I'm completely graceless, I do agree not thanking someone is bad manners but honestly, why on earth would anyone take offence at the manner of saying thank you?

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 15/02/2014 12:46

catsize we must be from different towns Wink

When going to a child's party, you are always thanked at the handover, which is enough for me. For the majority of my friends and all family, at birthdays and Christmas, you've thanked at the handover or say it on the phone next time you speak.

I don't think the email was rude at all so YABU there but I wouldn't have needed that email either. So to expect a further note seems over the top and not even from the 4 year old, from the mum doing her duty, that's seems RU to me.

I am not against thank you notes if that's your thing, but I am against people thinking that's the only way to say thank you and that people who don't send them are ignorant. The whole 'proper' thing is for your own benefit, not the recipient as you have no knowledge of if they feel thanked or not. Unless the recipient thanks you for the thank you note and omg where does it end?

My friend is a serial thank you note writer on behalf of her kids. When I give her child the present, she doesn't say thanks, she opens it, then without fail, shakes the wrapping paper and looks in the empty paper to see if there's anything else and on one occasion even muttered 'is that it?' (£12 hello kitty sparkly top from next). Now, I got a thank you note from her mum, but it only made me think 'yeah whatever' and not the 'oh isn't that lovely and the done thing' that it seems to be built up by some posters. If the child had said 'thank you shakes' when I handed it over, it is case closed.

So OP, have you sent thank you PMs to everyone who posted on the thread? Haven't had one for my earlier one and am feeling PO Wink

TamerB · 15/02/2014 13:52

Of course I send a thank you note to Great Aunt Mabel if she sends a cheque in the post- or in actual fact I don't, I send her a nice long, newsy letter. If she hands it to me in person I thank her there and then. I may possibly phone her rather than write a letter and have a long chat. The one thing I don't do is write a short note on the computer that is virtually identical to any other thank you.

Pregnantberry · 15/02/2014 13:59

No one in DSS's class sends thank you cards. We just send them to relatives to thank them for presents if he wasn't able to in person.