To expect a thank you card from 4 year old?

[tinyshinyanddon]

Went to the birthday party. Brought gift. Then a few days later the mother send out an email to all guests:
"I've decided not to make Lucy write thank you cards thus year. She loves all her gifts, each and every one."
There is more blurb at the start and end about thank you for coming/didn't we have a great time/blah blah blah.
Is it just me or is this rude? Clearly Lucy would not be writing the cards anyway (just signing them) so basically mommy can't be arsed. May be its normal?

Wedding presents may well be different, but its nothing to do with their cost.
At a wedding, you are unlikely to have opened the present. Many guests maybe people you don't see often. People should be thanked sincerely, once the gift is opened. It is likely that a Thankyou card is a good option here, although I have also received a proper personalised email, which said much more about the receiver taking a genuine interest in both me and the gift that's some of the cards I have been sent, which were totally generic. I think weddings are seen as one off events in people's lives and so they may decide to send cards then, whilst using other Thankyou methods for other more common place occasions.

As ever, it's not about the cost of the item, or the format of the thanks. It's about showing a genuine appreciation of the person and the gift. There are many ways to do this. Sensible people can see different approaches work for different people and in different situations and rather than being constrained to a 'one size fits all' policy will adapt their thanks giving to the individual circumstance. Surely that is the most thoughtful approach. And we after being thoughtful aren't we? Have enough confidence in your own judgement about this to do what seems right, rather than worrying what others think. If I know I am my children have been and shown gratitude and interest, then I am perfectly satisfied and will not allow rigidity to make me feel bad.

Personally, we didn't send wedding thank you cards at all, because of other things going on in our lives at the time. Circumstances that meant we were getting married a little earlier than originally planned. We did thank people in person as we saw them, but we did miss people out (not deliberately).

But so what? Do people assume that unless you are explicitly thanked, the receiver isn't grateful or thankful? We were thankful for all the gifts we received, why would people think otherwise?

Wedding presents from a list, where you haven't actually handed it over... there's always a worry that it never arrived. List gifts should always be acknowledged.

laughingeyes much appreciated and back at you .

Needless to say, the thank you note is in the past!

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Doh...the post- way to ruin a joke!

Haha - gotta love it!

Thanks for the flower :p

Hey Flippinada - what do you think about the wedding pressie thank you's?

Can I dodge that one on the grounds that I've never been married?

I think with a wedding, where you don't see them open the presents then a nice email/card or even a phone call would be fine. The manner of thanking someone is less important than communicating it, I think.

I can envisage a situation where someone gets so tied up in knots about doing things the right way (note? phone call? text? email? ) and not wanting to offend that they end up not thanking people at all end up causing offence that way.

and end up causing offence that way.

Nice dodge matey! Ah but you must've been to weddings?!

But from your reply it looks like you'd thank people very nicely in a personal way, whether it be face to face or in writing.

Seff's comment "Personally, we didn't send wedding thank you cards at all, because of other things going on in our lives at the time. Circumstances that meant we were getting married a little earlier than originally planned. We did thank people in person as we saw them, but we did miss people out (not deliberately).

But so what? Do people assume that unless you are explicitly thanked, the receiver isn't grateful or thankful? We were thankful for all the gifts we received, why would people think otherwise?"

Well, it's more than that, it's bothering to acknowledge the other person - if only so that the other person knows you got the present. When I was in my 20s (with very little money) I bought a present for some friends (not close to me - however, it represented a fair amount of my weekly budget). I didn't even go to their wedding. It was from their list. Not one word from them - to this day I wonder if they ever got the gift let alone knew it was from me. It's just thoughtless not to send a card (...in most cases, I see you say there were 'other circs' - if serious, of course people would understand why you didn't send a card!).

Same as with birthdays, as the OP says, normally you don't get any thanks on the day since the present just goes in a pile. Did the child get the present ok? Did she like it? (read also: did the parent like it!) Presents aren't just a random lucky dip - they're a symbol of friendship and all sorts of social things (some of which we'd rather not even acknowledge). There's a load of anthropological lit on it :)

Don't buy gifts for four year olds if you have any expectations of them in return.

YABU.

I have been and given gifts but in truth, I don't remember whether I received thanks or not!

I shall be diplomatic and say I did.

Now, funnily enough, even though I've been in the 'no' camp when it comes to thank you notes for children's birthdays, I did send thank you notes for all my wedding presents, even though I received them in person and opened them in front of the giver, and thanked them verbally at the time.

I've a feeling that I'm going to open up a whole new cultural gulf, but until fairly recently round here it was the case that there was something of a 'ceremony' involving the giving of wedding gifts. In the weeks coming up to the wedding, female friends and relatives called at the bride's parents house with their gifts, which were then all displayed for everyone to see. You called with your gift, bride opened it in your presence, thanked you profusely, then you drank a gallon of tea, ate your bodyweight in cake, and then admired all the presents she had received from everyone else, because the presents were all displayed with the little cards next to them. I think this is also partly why the idea of giving cash as a present was greeted with such horror, it can't be displayed! I haven't been to a wedding for about five years, but this was certainly how it happened at my wedding, all my friends and relatives weddings. However, despite all this ceremony, thank you cards were very much expected. And always received.

When my son was 3 he was given a Christmas present by his great-grandad. We were with them on Christmas day and he (and we) said thank you to him. Come his birthday in February he didn't receive a present from him. Apparently it was because we didn't send a thank you card.

I was always brought up with the idea that if you thanked someone personally for a present you didn't need to write a thank you letter.

Glad nobody does thank you cards here, apart from big occasions like weddings etc. Have heard of people refusing to send thank you cards because the childrens grandmother didn't send one after her own birthday. Honestly!? Get something that matters to care about, rather than such nonsense.

treaclesoda the "showing of the gifts"

wiggles I was waiting to be told that was bonkers and I'd made it up but I see that you understand, so I'm not totally alone!

"I can envisage a situation where someone gets so tied up in knots about doing things the right way (note? phone call? text? email? confused) and not wanting to offend that they end up not thanking people at all end up causing offence that way."

I have to be honest and say that I don't think you could EVER cause offence by sending a small handwritten note of thanks. Especially so with weddings it costs the average guest £400 to attend a wedding, the least you could write is thanks for coming it was a joy to see you.

It doesn't take long to thank someone by card all of this chat about it taking for ever is nonsense.

treaclesoda I think we were shunned because we served copious amounts of drink at ours

I don't think anyone would be offended by it either and I agree that is a lovely thing to do, but clearly some people do get anxious about that kind of thing - look at this thread!

laughingeyes thank you :).