To expect a thank you card from 4 year old?

[tinyshinyanddon]

Went to the birthday party. Brought gift. Then a few days later the mother send out an email to all guests:
"I've decided not to make Lucy write thank you cards thus year. She loves all her gifts, each and every one."
There is more blurb at the start and end about thank you for coming/didn't we have a great time/blah blah blah.
Is it just me or is this rude? Clearly Lucy would not be writing the cards anyway (just signing them) so basically mommy can't be arsed. May be its normal?

You could actually give them out with the party invitation and save time and paper- they are so predictable and soulless.

Fascinated by the 'it's not my culture' from people who appear to live in the UK. A quick googling of thank you etiquette confirms that it is indeed the cultural norm and expectation in the UK and elsewhere.

I think of party bags as thank yous and sometimes put a thank you card in them. Not sure if you went with a child or not tho as haven't read whole thread. Older friends /relatives definitely a thank you card means a lot but not with kids. It's a bit odd to say I'm not sending thank you cards but I think I actually put something similar in an email once :-0.
Blah blah I'm boring myself lol

well, I'm in the UK, albeit in N Ireland, which from what I read on mumsnet does appear to be rather different, culturally, to England. I'm almost 40, no one ever exchanged thank you notes for birthday presents when I was a child, and no one that I know does it now either. Despite what google might say, I promise you, I'm not just making that up, its the truth.

I really do feel in the minority now, making my kids (14 and11) write their thank-you letter, but will continue to do so.

To friends invicta - when they all use social media and email?

invicta - my children all write their letters too. They have done this since they were able to hold a pencil. Now that they are a little older I require that they write enough to engage their audience and go onto the second side of the paper. It is a way for godparents and other long distance family friends to find out a little more about their interests. When I was a child, thank you letters sparked off long term correspondence with other family members. It engendered a love of the letter form. I still have a box full of letters exchanged with friends on their travels, exchanged with lonely great aunts, exchanged with old friends who had moved away, exchanged with youthful romantic encounters. Social media is a different form and delightful in its own way, but nothing beats rushing to the doormat and seeing a hand written letter. My son and his girlfriend write a letter to each other every week…..they also phone, text, FB message each other.

So this thread demonstrates that we are all different and have different conventions. In my family, the hand-written letter holds sway. I don't think the world's forests are threatened by our penmanship.

Tamer - they are written to everyone who sent a present, including the lads that live down the street. If someone can be bothered to buy a present, then I make sure that they can be bothered to write a thank-you letter. If nothing else, it's good for hand writing practice!

Small children write with pencil and paper at school. Sending written letters is therefore appropriate, as is a phone call, if they are used to speaking onnthe phone. They don't send emails or text. Later on, they move to these mediums of communication, so they may then choose them to convey their thanks.

How about instilling the importance of saying Thankyou and allowi g the children some say in how they express it as they get older? Parents do need to make sure it is said somehow, but less rigidity seems important. We want our children to continue to thank for presents after we stop nagging them. Of they have had a say in how they do it and found a means that works for them, they are far more likely to continue to say thanks into the future.

This thread seems to show the difference between 'the spirit of the law' and the 'letter of the law' to me.
The key thing we want our children to do is to be genuinely thankful for gifts and kind actions shown towards them and to express is. This is the spirit of what we want to teach them.
Letter writing has become the letter of the law to some. I suspect many children get to an age where the parent no longer harrassed them to write and then stop saying Thankyou altogether. They have not learned the principle of thanks, just that letters are a duty.
I think this idea of teaching our children general principles and showing there is often more than one way to express that principle is very important.
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my children all write their letters too. They have done this since they were able to hold a pencil. Now that they are a little older I require that they write enough to engage their audience and go onto the second side of the paper. It is a way for godparents and other long distance family friends to find out a little more about their interests. When I was a child, thank you letters sparked off long term correspondence with other family members. It engendered a love of the letter form

Exactly-it is what I required mine to do-to people who were not there as they opened the present. I did not require them to write a quick note to someone they could thank in person. It is like writing lines as a punishment! Who on earth wants 'Dear X thank you for the x I shall enjoy playing with it/using it. love x-when they can give a verbal thank you -or they are over 13yrs and communicate with their friends in different ways. Of course I expect 14yr old to get pen and paper and write to granny(at least 2 pages)-I don't expect them to do it for friend they will see on Monday and are probably conversing on line with anyway! And I don't let them get away with the above- 'Dear x' letter which is a waste of materials and effort!

I do get irritated that a computer note, written by mother, is the height of good manners and a genuine, spontaneous communication by other methods is rude. I know which I prefer. Going back to Mrs Bird and Paddington -mentioned earlier-a complete waste; Mrs Bird would far rather he went into the kitchen and had a chat and told her how much he appreciated the marmalade. (I would assume he was in there anyway and goodness knows why he was writing the letter!!)

Yes, Yes TamerB.
It is this difference between trying to win respectability by being seen to do the right thing, but missing the point about genuine thankfulness.
I would rather a child said Thankyou to me in person and meant it. I hope I wouldn't say to them 'I look forward to your letter of thanks' but showed them I appreciated their attitude.

It is this difference between trying to win respectability by being seen to do the right thing, but missing the point about genuine thankfulness

In a nutshell. The parent with the computer is producing a soulless solution because it is easy-churning them out with a quick cut and paste and then claiming the high moral ground. And I wouldn't make a 4 yr old churn out 10 or more identical cards-enough to put them off genuine letter writing for life! Make sure they go up to the friend and say 'thank you'.

TamerB - I do agree. I was referring much more to the long distance letter writing.
ChocWom - I agree about instilling genuine thankfulness.
And last of all…I totally agree about not seeing out 10 identical soulless cut and paste cards.
I do also think that the thank you should come from the child and not the parent, whether it be verbal, by text, or by letter.

Goodness me, a consensus!

YANBU - very rude not to send a card. I always send. Actually, that's a lie - I still owe a couple of cards from Christmas, but this is on my mind. I think it's poor show on my part.

One exception when you might not send: you see the person after the event, they thank you for the thing you gave. In which case, a card on top may seem a bit pointless (however, it's still nice to rcv one). REALLY surprised people on here think otherwise - unless part of the culture (as it seems to be in Ireland).

Otherwise, do those same pile think Christmas cards, or indeed birthday cards - when you see the person regularly - are pointless too?

Sorry - that was a bit confusing - I mean, if the person thanks you in person after the event 'DD really liked the pet fish you gave her' type of thing = then a card on top is a bit OTT. Or even if the mother sent each person an email thanking them for the thing they gave. How much time does that really take? An hour? Bet she spends an hour on here pissing about

I've not heard of writing thank you letters after a party for four year olds. The thanks are given at the time. It was a bit silly of the mother to send an e-mail saying the DD wouldn't be writing thank you cards.

Is that part of it? That it's supposed to be a bit of a chore? That if something only takes a few minutes it's not worth doing?

That seems to be a running theme throughout this thread, that the "rudeness" is that it was just too easy for the mum in the OP to write an e-mail to everyone rather than taking the time to do it individually.

Also, why is it always about the mother? The mother is sending the e-mail, the mother is the one making the child write the notes. It seems like it's just another stick to beat ourselves with, or making us feel like we match up to the other mums.

I think thank you cards are a waste of time u gave a gift the child said thanks what more do u need??

Goodness! This is the most traffic one of my threads has ever had. I think I will leave it here but just to clarify and not make me sound like (such) a curmudgeon, little Lucy did NOT say thank you at the party. The gift was handed to her mother which i think is commonplace as Lucy was running about with her friends. Her mother put it in the black bag and we never saw it again (i.e. the presents were opened at home, again quite normal). I was there with DS (3) and DD (6). Lucy doesn't see DS or DD regularly: different school, different activities but we try to get the kids together 3-4 times a year.

As for "why is it always the mother?" - I don't know why, but I do know that in my family while I work 2 part time jobs I am still the planner of parties, buyer of gifts and all the other minutae of raising 3 kids. My DH is paid to work long, sometimes unpredictable, hours in a stressful environment and is home with the kids when I go to work. I feel he pulls his weight but the social planning/playdate/parties stuff is my realm.

I didn't necessarily mean your situation specifically, just something I noticed throughout the thread (admittedly, talking to mainly mums will always skew numbers!).

Do the husbands think it's rude to not receive a thank you card? Do they even notice?

I suppose I just find it sad that people assume someone is rude unless they prove otherwise. Again, not necessarily you, I just always thought it was people in MIL's generation that mainly thought that way.

I'm really interested to know what all the "no-need-for-a-thank you-card" people think about wedding present thank you's. Are they in the same category?

If you got married and received a lot of gifts would you ...

1. say nothing
2. try to individually (and in person) thank Every. Single. Person
3. send a generic email to all saying we loved our presents and glad you came to our wedding
4. Send individual thank you cards

And for those who say they would treat a wedding differently as the presents are much more expensive, they're actually not. Not all of them. I've been to weddings where the gift list ranged from £5 to £500 and everything was purchased off it.

So would you send a thank you for the 500 point present but not the 15 pound one because you see it differently than a birthday present?

Because £10-20 is about what I might spend on a close friend's birthday party present! It depends on the suitability of the gift actually, not the cost of it, but I am using that example for the sake of the question.

I wrote individual letters to all. Value had nothing to do with it.

But you're a thank you card advocate anyway, right?

I'm interested in those who think birthday thanks are unnecessary waste of time and what they think about wedding present thanks