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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a thank you card from 4 year old?

321 replies

tinyshinyanddon · 12/02/2014 03:48

Went to the birthday party. Brought gift. Then a few days later the mother send out an email to all guests:
"I've decided not to make Lucy write thank you cards thus year. She loves all her gifts, each and every one."
There is more blurb at the start and end about thank you for coming/didn't we have a great time/blah blah blah.
Is it just me or is this rude? Clearly Lucy would not be writing the cards anyway (just signing them) so basically mommy can't be arsed. May be its normal?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 15/02/2014 14:01

I would phone Auntie Mabel and thank her, same thing really, your thanking the person for gift. As long as they are thanked, does nit matter how you do it!

ChrisMooseAlbanians · 15/02/2014 14:08

Waste of paper if you ask me. If I receive a thankyou card it goes up for all of about a week, then in the recycling!

MrsDeVere · 15/02/2014 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seff · 15/02/2014 15:08

Why is there a difference between a standard, written letter with just the name changed and an e-mail with the name changed?

Is it the physical act of writing it? Why?

ShakesBooty that example shows that even people who say please and thank you and think they have good manners can still be rude. Manners are subjective, my MIL is obsessed with thank you cards but can still be ridiculously rude sometimes (IMO).

laughingeyes2013 · 15/02/2014 15:32

Flippinada - in answer to your question (and I note your unnecessary sarcasm!) no, I don't think parties magic themselves out of nowhere.

I recognise the hard work parents out into making a party enjoyable for their children, I am a parent too Smile

But there are more views on parties than just yours; for example, some parents detest giving up a whole day for a kids party, especially when it's not even a close friend they see very often.

Somewhere you will always find someone potentially complaining about 'their lot'.

But it's all about the kids. It's about children simply having birthday fun and receiving presents and thanking people nicely for them. It's not about the hard work and sacrifices adults make!

And people are just being silly about sending thank you cards for thank you cards. It's an argument that no one in their right mind will ever take seriously.

And this thread is about the etiquette of how to best say thanks in this modern world, so I would prefer not to divert from that topic anymore Wink

TamerB · 15/02/2014 15:33

It is a modern thing since the computer. When I was young you just thanked the party giver in person-the same with my eldest- but 10 years later, with my younger one, it was the norm for the mother to send out short, duplicate, letters on the computer. She wouldn't have written 30 by hand or expected the poor little 4 yr old to write them. Ask the 4 yr old what was in the letter and what you actually gave and he/she wouldn't have a clue! Mother either did it or said -'write your name here'.

TamerB · 15/02/2014 15:38

Interestingly does anyone hand write the things? Does anyone do an individual one that doesn't cut and paste? (assuming you have more than 4 children at the party) Does anyone make a 4 yr old labour over a whole pile without you doing the bulk on the computer?

pumpkinsweetie · 15/02/2014 15:42

Yabu, this isn't about you, it's about small children having fun.
Thank you has already been said & I'm sure enough was spent on the party in the first place!

NewtRipley · 15/02/2014 16:22

Tamer

When mine were little I was known to have written a few with my left hand to put an end to the torture of cajoling DS1 to write them

Marylou2 · 15/02/2014 16:29

YANBU. To be fair this is a great way to sort the wheat from the chaff. I really don't care to socialise with people who have poor manners.

brooncoo · 15/02/2014 16:36

It just seems intolerant and that folk like to feel offended and feel superior to to others. It's been explained that things change and that it isn't always the norm or expected where some people were brought up (why do I keep picturing Hyacinth Bucket) but people still feel that it is only their way that counts - intolerance and all about them feeling good about themselves.

TBH, for those that judge those who don't send the right kind of thank you card to your taste - I would prefer you to keep your present.

NewtRipley · 15/02/2014 16:50

yy brooncoo

Manners mean a lot to me; just not the "right kind" of manners

TamerB · 15/02/2014 17:01

When mine were little I was known to have written a few with my left hand to put an end to the torture of cajoling DS1 to write them

And you think people didn't know? Hmm
My nephew used to send computer ones written by his father-the language was pure BIL-it just used to give me a wry smile and the thought it might have been better to pick up the phone.

NewtRipley · 15/02/2014 17:04

yy Tamer

And that's why I stopped

TamerB · 15/02/2014 17:08

There is also the question of when you stop. It might be 'sweet' if you try and write like a 4 yr old-but not if you try and write like an 8 yr old.

NewtRipley · 15/02/2014 18:36

Tamer

I hasten to add, it wasn't something I did frequently, but we had a time when DS1 hated writing - had a real thing about it.

And as I said - we only sent them to people who we had not seen to say thanks to, or who we knew would appreciate a written Thankyou rather than text/email

OP's example doesn't fit either scenario

TamerB · 15/02/2014 18:40

We had blood sweat and tears over thank you letters- mainly mine! We didn't send them to people they could thank in person or party friends who didn't appreciate them!

treaclesoda · 15/02/2014 18:56

I'm finding the idea of sorting the wheat from the chaff on the grounds of 'manners' strangely hilarious. Essentially it's just sorting into 'people who exactly share my point of view' and 'people who don't'.

So, I was raised, and live, in a part of the UK where thank you notes are unheard of for a child's birthday party. Believe it or not, people here do thank each other for presents, but just not in writing. If I moved elsewhere and hosted a party, how would I have any idea if they were expected or not? I'd not much like to be judged for the crime of being from somewhere else. Although I suppose the wheat from the chaff thing could work nicely for both parties in such a scenario...

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 15/02/2014 19:12

I think the phrase 'sorting the wheat from the chaff' being uttered by a parent about a thank you note is about as good an indicator of poor manners as you are going to get. What an oxymoron that post is. Here, have this with your thank you letter... Biscuit

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 15/02/2014 19:15

And that's not for you treacle soda, we cross posted.

brooncoo · 15/02/2014 19:19

Yip, wheat from shaff workes both ways though I don't think that poster realised the 'shaff' are probably grateful she deems them to be unworthy company (lucky escape for the ill mannered shaff springs to mind).

brooncoo · 15/02/2014 19:20

Or 'chaff' even, oops! Us ill mannered louts can't even spell!

ChocolateWombat · 15/02/2014 19:28

Have read first and last page of this thread.
The parent did send a Thankyou. It may have been poorly worded, but it was a Thankyou. And the child is 4 and probably can't manage a whole letter...maybe not even their name.
I think it is important to say Thankyou for gifts. It might be in person, by text, email or letter. It is rude to not say thank you at all, esp when presents come in the post and the sender doesn't know you have received them. I think the precise form of Thankyou is not so relevant. We live in an age of many forms of communication and any of them can be used. If people have nothing to worry about, beyond if they received thanks in the form of a letter, their lives must be pretty empty.

Limara · 15/02/2014 19:37

The kid is 4 so YABU. However in a perfect world a thank you letter would be lovely but it isn't perfect and we're all different and have different expectations and things that take up our time. I don't get thank you cards but I know instinctively the recipricants will be grateful about whatever I've given them. It's subjective.

sara11272 · 15/02/2014 19:57

I was always made to write thank you notes as a child...I hated it.

But clearly something has rubbed off as I now get my children to do them (albeit without quite the levels of neat handwriting/amount of newsy content I had to do).

And I do think it's rude not to thank people after the party, as in 99% of cases, presents are not opened at the party (in fact, I can't think of a single party where the child opened the presents there and then).

I am a bit judgey about this, and I'm not a fan of generic 'thank you for the present' notes as I think it's nice to know your present has been associated with you.

However, I'm realistic and having seen that most people don't write thank you notes at all, a generic note is better than nothing. I do notice when we don't get one at all, and I agree with people who say it makes you a bit less inclined to bother thinking about an appropriate gift in future.

Incidentally, I do hand write notes, I've never done them on the computer, even for whole class parties. If this makes me old fashioned so be it. I just feel bad until they are all done. And when we've been to a party, I often text to say thank you to the parents - particularly if it's someone we don't know well, ie you wouldn't necessarily expect to be invited.

I do think it's strange that there are whole swathes of people who never receive thank you notes of any sort - round here there's a definite mix of all approaches.